#TD03

Dear Diary,

When I grow up, I want to be like my dad. He's a lawyer and an amazing cook! He's super strong and intelligent. I'm lucky to be his daughter. Above all, he's a good man, the sweetest man in the world. He not only protects me but also protects other people. Not all heroes wear capes, sometimes, they wear suits and holds a briefcase. One day, I will be your sidekick. I'll wear a pink suit. We'll save people's lives.

I love you dad. You will always be my hero.

Last night, I cried so hard after reading a letter that I wrote to my father a year ago. I've been wanting to read that letter to him for the longest time but he was too busy. That letter now is burried deep into my heart, with his initials.

My body turned numb as I watch his coffin slowly got burry down on the ground. My tears had gone dry from all the crying and I felt completely dehydrated. The weather seem to dwell on my emotions.

The rain was pouring heavily. My yaya and my grandmother was right beside me. Yaya was holding the umbrella for me. And mom was nowhere to be seen.

I sniffed. My throat felt dry. "Is mom coming? She said she'll be home by...now."

Grandma gently patted my back. "Your mom called me. She said that her flight got delayed and she still needs to finish some work."

I smiled weakly. My hands had gone cold from waiting, so was my patience. I wiped my cheek and thought there were tears but it turns out it was the raindrops. I heard the sound of their cries behind me.

As the rain continues to pour, the visitors all went to the tent to not get wet by the rain. Grandma asked me too but I remained in front of my father's grave.

"Trisha.." I heard Keith's voice

I remained silent.

"I'm sorry," he muttered

It was bearable to me now that he's beside me but I wish mom was here too.

"I can't...I don't think I can live anymore."

I felt his hand behind my back and gently patted it. I let myself cry once again. My chest felt heavy. I could barely catch my breath. My mind couldn't process what happened. Now that Daddy's gone, a part of me had died too.

"Trisha."

"Mommy. Bakit...bakit ngayon ka lang po?"

She sniffed as tears stream down her face. "I'm sorry princess. I'm deeply sorry.."

I could feel the lump forming inside my throat. My heart shattered while watching her cry in pain. "It's been two weeks mom. Hindi mo naabutan si d-daddy," my voice trembled

She went closer to me and wiped the tears from my cheeks that I was not aware of. "I know anak. I don't have an acceptable reason. I just- I'm sorry."

"Do you not care about daddy? Is your work more important to you that's why you missed his funeral?"

She swallowed hard. "No. I l-love your daddy. I love you both so much. Things just got too complicated. If only...I wish I had been there. I hope you can forgive me anak," she pleaded

I slowly shook my head. She cupped my face and hugged me.

"If you love us then you would have chosen us first," I said in between sobs. She hugged me tighter. "I can't believe daddy's gone."

"I promise to protect and take care of you anak. I'm sorry I was late. I won't leave you anymore." she continued to console my weary heart but it only longed for dad even more. She laid my head on her chest and kissed the top of my head.

We were envelop by silence and all we could hear were soft whimpers. My heart felt heavy and I could feel my body getting weaker as each passing second. I closed my eyes and heard daddy's voice inside my head.

I love you both...

***

"Tama na kakahalo diyan sa kape Trisha," yaya reminded

I looked at her who's washing the dishes. If she hadn't called me then I probably wouldn't have stopped.

I smiled weakly. "Sorry. Hindi ko napansin."

"Baka maaddict ka na sa kape."

I put the teaspoon on the sink and got my cup of coffee. I then went upstairs to my dad's office. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Daddy. Your coffee is here," I forced myself to smile. I walked around his empty office and stopped at his desk. I placed the cup of coffee on top of it.

There was a long moment of silence. It gave me chills everytime I go to his office, I can feel his presence. It brought back so many memories. I remember like it was just yesterday when we were talking on the phone with mom. I closed my eyes, hearing the familiar sound of my laughter.

"I miss you daddy.." I whispered

When I opened my eyes, I saw our family picture sitting on his desk. I picked it up and smiled weakly. My eyes roamed around in his office. It's half empty. There were still some books and cases on the shelves.

I held the cup of coffee. It's now warm but the room was cold.

Every night, I would wake up because of a bad dream. Sometimes, I dream about dad. It's hard for me to go back to sleep again so I would go to his office instead and sleep there together with the cup of coffee I made him every morning. For some reason, there's something pulling me into his office. I don't know perhaps I was sleep walking. Strangely, I wasn't scared at all. It felt right. I was able to sleep better here.

Mommy would scold me because she'd always catch me sleeping on the floor and not in my room.

"Trisha. Wake up anak."

I could hear her angelic voice again. I felt her arms on my shoulder. I slowly opened my eyes and got up. I chuckled softly when I found myself sleeping on the floor again.

"What are you doing here again? I told you to sleep in your room, hmm?"

She helped me get up but my body was too weak to move. She remained kneeling in front of me. I rubbed my eyes.

"I'm sorry mommy. Maybe I was just sleep walking again."

"Hmm. Let's get you back to bed. It's late na."

"Really? Akala ko po hapon palang."

"No. It's past midnight. Come." She held my hand and helped me stand up. I only realized now that I was wearing my pajamas. We walked towards the door but before we exit the room, I looked behind me and saw the cup of coffee on top of the desk.

It must have gone cold by now but not as cold as my young heart.

***

I sniffed. "Sabi nila naaksidente raw si papa," I told Keith

Honestly, I didn't know the whole story. I have yet to figure out. All I know is according to the news, Dad got into a car accident. He was found inside his car and immediately rushed him to the hospital but it was too late. Mom didn't even let me watch the news about his death anymore. That it was too much for me to handle.

I admit, I was scared to know the truth. Mom as well. Right now, we're still mourning for his death

Keith tried to comfort me as much as possible. Just being able to tell someone how I feel was hard especially it's only been weeks since he died. My friends and my teachers consoled me and their emotional support had reached me.

"My papa was a good man..." I said in between her sobs. I thought I have no tears left to cry anymore but the way Keith's looking at me with sympathy made my heart ache

He was kneeling down in front of me. He held my hand and squeezed it gently. "If you need me, I'm always here..."

His voice reminded me of dad whenever he comforts me too.

"Thank you Keith. Sorry din ah kung kanina pa ako iyak ng iyak," I chuckled softly and immediately wiped my tears. He must be tired of seeing me cry. Eventhough, he didn't let go of my hand. I couldn't help but to shed some tears

Eventually, I calmed down.

"Saan ka na pala mag-aaral? Lilipat ka na pala ng school. Akala ko magiging schoolmates pa rin tayo," I forced a smile

He looked down on the ground. "Yeah, I'll transfer to a different school in highschool. My sister will go to school soon. I think she'll study here."

Hot tears began to form in the corner of my eyes once again after hearing that he's going to transfer means we won't be able to see each other as often as we used to. He was surprised when I suddenly stood up so he did too.

I didn't want him to see me cry so I hugged him instead, slowly wrapping my arms around his waist. I felt his body stiffened

"H'wag mo kong kakalimutan ah? Friends pa rin tayo kahit magka-iba na tayo ng school. Mamimiss kita," my voice turned weak. I couldn't help but to cry once again. I hugged her even tighter, afraid to let him go.

"I won't. I promise," he said and gently patted my head

And that made my heart calmed down. I held on to that promise when I moved to the states with my mom.

"Mommy. Bakit po kailangan natin na pumunta pa rito?" I asked her when we finally landed and arrived at our hotel

"Because mommy has work here, 'di ba? Hindi naman pwede kitang iwan sa Pinas. From now on, I'll bring you wherever I go. I want to make up to you sa mga oras na wala ako sa tabi mo."

I pouted and sat on the bed. I touched the sheets and it was soft and comfortable. "Are we going to stay here forever?"

She put down our things on the side before facing me. "Pwede naman. We can start a new life here. Gusto mo ba? Naghahanap na ako ng magiging school mo dito."

My lips parted. "I don't want. I don't want to study here either. Mas gusto ko po sa Pinas. I was sad when I left Kai. I'm sure he felt the same way too," I trailed off

She sighed. "Naisip ko na mas maganda ang magiging future mo dito. I know you're still not used to it but eventually, you would. I'm sure you'll love it here kapag tumagal-"

I shook my head. "Mas gusto ko po sa Pinas. At first I thought, may tatapusin ka lang na work dito at short vacation tapos uuwi na tayo. Besides, I'll be lonely here kapag nagwork ka na."

She walked towards me and cupped my face. "Hmm, okay but I can't promise yet. Depende pa rin."

I was about to speak but then her phone suddenly rang. She took it from her pocket and excused herself. I sighed and watched her enter the bathroom to answer the call. I roamed my eyes around our hotel. There's only one queen size bed for us two. What caught my attention was the balcony. I stood up and walked towards it.

As soon as I entered, the noise from the streets and cars echoed inside my ears. I was surprised by the tall buildings and billboards from afar. The sky was blue and the sun was out. The wind blew to my hair. I smiled and inhaled deeply. I held to the railings and looked down. There were cars driving on the road and people strolling through the streets.

"Hello!" I greeted then giggled. Of course, they couldn't hear me up here but it was nice seeing them. It made me want to go for a walk to and explore the city.

I stayed there for a while then went back inside. Right in time, I saw mommy got out of the bathroom too

"Mommy! Pwede ba tayong gumala?" I said, my voice filled with excitement

"Tomorrow nalang anak. Pagod pa si mommy. Aren't you tired from the flight? Magpahinga muna tayo."

"Hmm, okay po."

"Kumain pala muna tayo. Nagpa-room service ako." She then went to our luggage and fixed our things. I followed her

"Mommy. Can I borrow your phone? I'll just call Kai," I smiled

She then gave me her phone. I thanked her and went to the bed. I dialed Keith's number. After a few rings, he finally answered.

"Kai! Hello!" I greeted

"Tris? Hey. You called," he chuckled softly

"Yes. Buti sumagot ka. We finally landed sa Cali. Nasa hotel na kami."

"Glad you arrived safely. Kamusta diyan? How long are you going to stay there?"

"I'm sorry kung biglaan kaming umalis at hindi ako nakapagpaalam sa'yo. Hindi ko pa alam kay mommy e. Miss na nga kita.."

He wasn't able to reply right away.

"I miss you too."

My smile grew wider. "Yiee! H'wag kang mag-aalala. May pasalubong ka sa'kin pag-uwi ko."

He chortled. "You don't need to."

"Bukas maglilibot kami ni mommy. How about you? Kamusta?"

"I'm doing good. Just studying at the same time, binabantayan si Kate."

"Kamusta yung bago mong school? Maganda ba?"

"Actually-"

My brows furrowed when I he suddenly called his mom. I waited until he returned his call to me.

"Kai? Are you still there?"

"Yes. Uh, sorry Trisha. Mom is calling me. I'll talk to you later."

I felt a bit disappointed. I let out a sigh. "Gano'n ba? Sige. Just call me again kapag di ka na busy."

"Sure. Balitaan mo rin ako. Ingat kayo ni tita. Hope you enjoy your trip!"

I nodded. "Ikaw din."

After that, I hung up the call. I felt sad cause our conversation was too short. I want to talk to him more. I stood up and returned the phone back to my mom. I noticed she had already fallen asleep on the bed. In the end, I was the one who opened the door for room service and ate alone.

Weeks had gone by and slowly I got used to the environment. Mom and I went to the mall and bought pasalubongs. She also bought me a lot of clothes and shoes. She was spoiling me too much. Also to cheer me up whenever I remember daddy. We then went to a restaurant and ate good food. The people here were sweet and kind.

"So, how do you like it here so far anak?" she asked as we eat ice cream

"Maganda po mommy. I had fun! Bukas po ulit ah," I giggled. "Ang dami naman po nating binili. The clothes all look pretty!" I looked at our paperbags on the chair

She smiled. "I hope you like it. Masaya rin ako na nakapag-bonding tayo."

"Well, if only daddy is here with us too. It would have been more fun," I sighed

She held my hand and comforted me. "Daddy will always be in our hearts."

"I miss him more now."

"I miss him too."

When we got back to our hotel, instead of taking a rest from our trip, I immediately called Kai to tell him how my day went. I was extremely excited to make kwento but in the end, I got disappointed when he didn't pick up. I called him again but to no avail. He must be busy with school or maybe resting. I forgot we have different timezones.

I was sad at first but then I decided to tell everything to my diary instead.

Dear Diary,

Today is the first time I felt happy again since the day we lost dad. Mommy and I finally landed in California for a quick get away but I feel like we'll be staying here much longer than I expected.

At first I didn't want to leave. Akala ko hindi ako magiging masaya. I'm having fun here at the moment. Mom and I went shopping and bought pasalubongs. Mom also enrolled me to a new school and I met new friends. I feel nervous and excited at the same time. Hindi pa naman ako fluent sa English. I hope they won't bully me like my old classmates.

To be honest, I don't know if I'll be happy staying here for the next one or two years. I miss home. I miss my friends. Maybe this happiness will only be temporary. Maybe this is just a way to fill the void inside me...from my dad's death. Parang may kulang. If only he's here with us. I wouldn't doubt my emotions.

I want to come home soon.

I miss you..