˗ˏˋ dark clouds and blurry moons 'ˎ˗

➷

Amoli sits on the terrace couch with her knees pulled up to her chest, eyes focusing and then periodically unfocusing on the moon.

It looks particularly pretty today, a little brighter. Happier. Clearer. Amoli had briefly wondered if the universe was subtly mocking her. Since the weather had been cloudy for the past few days. And now that it's clear, she thinks it's because the clouds are hovering over her head instead.

I can't be friends with you, Amoli.

Heaving a sigh, she settles her chin on top of her knees.

Amoli understands why Mahika had said that. God, of course she understands. She might have been the one to carefully pluck out the subject of friendship amongst the sea of heartstrings between them, but how she felt about it wasn't very far off from how Mahika did.

The more she thinks about it, the more ignorant, foolish the idea seems. Friends? She had wanted to be friends with her? With the girl she physically ached to hold hands with? With the girl who had breathed permanently resident butterflies inside Amoli's belly with just one kiss?

Not one, her subconscious points out, and she feels her chest as well as her face warm at the reminder. It wasn't just 'one kiss'.

It was two years worth of longing tying itself into an undoable bond between them. The second they had allowed their fears to be pushed aside, they had also shattered any possibilities of ever becoming 'friends'. And no matter how desperate Amoli is to not let go of Mahika's hand completely, it doesn't seem to matter.

She might be selfish enough to try, but the universe too, is cruel enough to fight her every time she does.

They've been back to square one over and over.

"Counting stars?"

Amoli jumps in surprise at the sudden voice, eyes widening comically before she takes notice of who it is. She squeezes her eyes shut and shakes her head in exasperation at Naina's form now standing near the stairs.

"Don't sneak up on me like that."

Naina looks amused as she makes her way over to where Amoli is sitting. "I didn't sneak up on you, Amo. In fact, I was pretty noisy." She gestures at the space beside Amoli with her chin. "Mind if I join you?"

Amoli thinks back on the incident in the car and her heart begins to pound inside her chest in anxiety. But it's not like she can make up an excuse and run away now. And frankly, she's too tired to.

"Of course, not."

The space beside her on the couch dips and then there's silence between them.

Amoli's eyes are back on the moon, but instead of one, she sees a blur of two. Too lost in her thoughts to bring her eyes back to focus, Amoli barely notices it when Naina reaches out and puts her hand on top of her head, ruffling her hair a little.

It's something Akash does when Amoli looks like she isn't feeling the best, and the thought of Naina catching on to the habit makes Amoli smile a little. It's an absentminded, lost smile, but it's there.

"You know, don't you?" Amoli asks without looking at Naina, blinking slowly with the corners of her lips pulled back down. "About... Mahika and I?"

Naina's voice is soft when she replies. "I do."

Amoli expects herself to panic.

She's had this scene inside her head for a while now — Naina finding out that every time Amoli looks at her best friend, her breath catches in her throat and stays there until she looks away. The image had always been followed by something negative, something ridiculous. Everything but simple acceptance.

But now that it's finally out in the open, Amoli doesn't feel much.

Because she feels like she has already messed things up. So it doesn't matter how people around her feel about it. At least for now.

"How?" she asks, because she knows there's no way in the world Naina heard it from Mahika. When she turns to look at Naina, there's an affectionate smile on her face.

"Mahi came out to me a few days ago." Her voice is soft as ever. Amoli feels her breath speed up. Oh. Oh, my God. "Although she didn't have to," Naina adds, leaning back on the couch to stare at the sky.

Amoli turns in her direction, arms still wrapped around her knees. "Because you could tell?" She asks that as a half-joke, because Amoli doesn't like it when people say things like, 'It was obvious'. Makes her feel like all of that heartache people went through carrying the weight of their locked feelings was for nothing.

"No," Naina says, turning to look back at Amoli. "Because she shouldn't have to."

Amoli feels the corners of her lips dip, mouth parting in the slightest at Naina's words.

"No one should have to 'come out'," Naina says, emphasizing the last two words with air quotes. Amoli looks away because her eyes have started to water, and it only gets worse when Naina adds in a whisper, "And that includes you too, Amo." Amoli wipes a stray tear off her cheek with the back of her hand, letting Naina reach out to hold her other hand. "No one questioned Akash and I's relationship, did they? Because who loves who should frankly be no one's business except the two people in question." Then as an afterthought, she hums and adds, "Or three. Or four. Or more. I don't know."

Amoli hangs her head and chuckles.

"Bottom line is," Naina says, leaning forward to bump her shoulder against Amoli's before meeting her eyes with a serious expression on her face, "just... please be happy. That's it."

The warmth that Naina's words radiate brings a real smile to Amoli's face, and she finds herself at a loss for words, just silently squeezing the hand in her hold with gratitude. Naina reaches out to tweak her nose.

"You and Mahi were really out there pining for each other under the whole 'we hate each other' pretense, hm? Had us all fooled."

Despite the tinge of pink on her cheeks, Amoli jokes, "Yeah, we had each other fooled too."

Naina's jaw drops open in surprise, and it takes her a few seconds to collect herself before she asks, "Wait, seriously?"

Amoli nods sheepishly. Whenever she thinks about it, she can't believe it either. How were we that dense? "The arguments were a hundred percent real."

"Oh, my."

Shaking her head in disbelief at the reminder, Amoli asks, "How did you even figure out that we liked each other?"

"Past tense?" Naina comments, and Amoli just feels her face heat further but she doesn't say anything. After a second or so, Naina adds, "Let's just say that I've known Mahi a little too long."

Lowering her head onto Naina's lap, mostly to hide her face but also because Naina has always felt like more of an elder sister than just her brother's wife, Amoli mumbles, "I... like her but I feel like I don't know her at all."

"Hm," Naina hums, carding her fingers through Amoli's hair. "I would say ask me anything you want, but I also know you should be asking Mahi everything you want to know about her."

Biting her lower lip between her teeth, Amoli asks meekly, "Even if they're... very simple questions?"

"So you do want to know about her," Naina teases, but before Amoli has the chance to get embarrassed and take her words back, she adds, "Well, yeah, I still think you should just ask her. But..." She coyly tilts her head from one side to the other, putting Amoli more on edge than she already is. But then she adds, "Maybe, I could just tell you little things. Like... hm," she pauses again, this time genuinely thinking. "Let's see... you know Mahi can't lie? Like, at all."

Amoli turns her head to stare up at Naina. "Really?"

Naina nods, and then rolls her eyes. "She's bad at hiding her emotions."

"Oh. Right. Right. Yeah." She thinks back on all of the times Mahika tried to look nonchalant about being annoyed with Amoli but ended up with her frustration written all over her face. It's a little funny and a little sad at the same time, considering Mahika had managed to hide how she truly felt about Amoli for so long despite being an open book.

"It's why people find her a bit intimidating at first, I think," Naina adds as an afterthought, and Amoli thinks, Yeah. I've had firsthand experience of that. "When she doesn't like something, it shows on her face." Naina's lips lift from one corner, as if there's a memory playing inside her head. She shakes her head. "Let me think of more. Hm... she cannot go through her day without drinking tea at least thrice—but I think you knew that already." She looks down, and Amoli nods in confirmation. Strong ginger. Less milk. Needs to be burning hot or she scrunches her nose in distaste. "She tried to get used to coffee during her first year of college, but she claims it makes her sleepy. Horrible at texting. She barely ever replies, and when she does, her texts look like she typed them out with her eyes closed."

Amoli giggles a little, eyes back on the moon but mind on the girl sleeping downstairs.

"A complete nerd for X-Men. You can't ever ask her to recommend stuff for our movie night on saturdays because she's just going to want to rewatch one of those damn X-Men movies."

"Do you know her favorite?"

"First Class."

"Mhm, I have no idea what that is."

Naina sighs. "I could have said the same if she hadn't made me watch it six times last year alone."

Amoli covers her mouth with the back of her hand and laughs.

"One of those movies always makes her cry. I can't remember which one it is, though. She's a huge softie. And a giant romantic at heart." Naina looks down, probably to check Amoli's reaction to that but ends up chuckling when she finds the girl pointedly avoiding her eyes. "She's a very affectionate person," she adds softly. "She always notices little things about people. And you know that one friend who remembers everyone's birthdays? That's Mahi. The rest of us are careless. And, well... forgetful. We're usually chilling away with no idea of anything whatsoever, but Mahi would already be getting everyone together to plan something out a week before we're supposed to celebrate."

A pinch of warmth begins from the middle of Amoli's chest and then spreads across every bend and curve of her body like wildfire. She thinks about how easy, how effortless it would be to just... let herself fall further. Deeper. To ignore the consequences and complexities of even considering being in a relationship with another girl. To throw everything at the back burner except how badly she just wants to run down the stairs and tell Mahika, I don't care about anything. Nothing matters. I like you and I want to be able to tell you that without letting a million other thoughts suffocate the words until they're dead and gone.

Except, Amoli knows they're never truly gone. They seem to cower under her fear and insecurities more often than she would like to admit, but they're always there; hiding in the crevices of her subconscious, ready to pop out every time her eyes meet Mahika's.

"What are you thinking about now, hm?"

Amoli lets the feeling of Naina's fingers gently caressing her hair wash over her soul, trying to hold on to the undiluted serenity that the gesture brings her, and whispers, "A lot of things."

Naina taps her forehead lightly with her index finger. "Care to share with a friend?"

"Can I... ask you something instead?"

With a smile, Naina replies, "Of course."

"Aren't you... afraid? About how everything in your life is just... changing?"

Naina's smile doesn't stray. At all. And if she feels off about the change in subject, she doesn't say anything about it. "You mean with the moving and everything?"

Amoli nods once, hesitant.

"I guess I was. At some point." Naina shrugs, and then leans back to tip her chin up and stare at the stars. "The thought of leaving everything behind scared the absolute hell out of me. It dimmed with time, though. And like, I'm... nervous? Still. I know I am." She tilts her head to one side in thought. "It's not because I doubt my decision, though. It's just because I don't know what to expect." Settling her elbow on the head of the couch, she rests her temple on her knuckles. "But then I think about it a little, and... it can't be bad is what I believe." She peeks down at Amoli. "Does that make sense? I've spent enough time with Akash to know that life with him wouldn't get dull." Naina swats at Amoli's shoulder when she pretends to cringe. "No need to get dramatic. He's your brother. I get it. But I'm just saying," she drawls, rolling her eyes. "I trust him. Honestly? When you love someone and the way you feel about yourself when you are with them, it's usually more than enough to help you choose between what you fear and what makes you happy."

As the words slowly sink in, the sight of the moon before Amoli's eyes becomes clearer.

With the first blink of her eyes, she notices the start. And then with the second, the absence of the dark clouds from over her head.

"I don't..." she starts, blinking a few more times, her voice a mere breath in the silent night. "I-I don't think I love her, though." Yet.

Naina lets out a little, 'ah'.

And then with a shake of her head and a smile, she says, "I think you and I both know that won't take a lot to change, Amo."

➷

a/n

hey, hi, sorry it's kind of been a while since i updated if you were waiting and you're still here, please know that i appreciate you more than anything. working on this book always brings me joy and i promise i'm going to try and go back to the old schedule as soon as i'm able x

i also wanted to ask you guys if you would want to share your favorite music with me if i made an open collab playlist and handed it over to y'all? let me know if any of you would be interested in this bec i crave new music and i've been too tired to look for some myself.

thank you so much for reading!

don't forget to stay hydrated, eat as much as you can, and take care of yourself, yeah? and make sure you check up on your friends! give your pet a hug and a kiss on the forehead for me.

have a good day/evening ahead <3