Connie was having a pretty mediocre day, which meant for her it was a stellar day. The sun was shining so hard she had to close the blinds a bit so it wouldn't blind her by glinting off the floor. Her cereal was pretty much mush by the time she'd stopped staring into the distance, but she promised herself she'd make something protein rich for lunch and dinner.

She was now 23 years old going on 24, living a life she'd thought she wanted but quickly realized was ultimately useless.

Finishing her bachelors had been monumentally rewarding, but it had come with a massive and irreplaceable cost. She'd made new friends, she'd grown closer with her parents after moving out, she was widely liked or at least respected. Life had been good.

She sighed, dumping her food into the garbage disposal. "No use in trying, Connie. Maybe tomorrow."

Her phone buzzed and she filled with a recently familiar dread. She always got off work at three in the afternoon, and he would call when he had the freedom. It was around that time, and he was still her very best friend despite everything.

Staring at his picture lit up with his gorgeous wife kissing his cheek made her stomach fill with bile, but she swallowed it and put on the cheerful voice she was accustomed to using for Steven. "Hey, Steven! What's up?"

There was silence for a moment, a very long moment. It stretched so long she worried maybe the call hadn't connected all the way, but as she moved the phone back he sniffled. "Hey, Connie. I-I don't know if you're busy or anything–,"

"No, I'm not busy," She said quickly, berating herself for being so lenient. He was someone else's husband and not hers. She needed to get over it completely instead of circling back to high functioning depression as her therapist called it with a shake of her head. "Are you okay?"

Those three words were often the breaking point for her in therapy, but she hadn't ever expected to hear the heartbroken sobs on the other line. "N-no. I need s-s-someone with me here r-right now, Connie! I-I'm going to– to lose it!"

Connie forced herself to grab her keys like a normal person. "Where's Audra?"

"Out."

The sharpness in his tone startled her enough to kick her into full sprint mode. Now she was wrestling on her shoes and putting on a top without so much cleavage to be respectful. "Uhm, if she can't be there, I can be there in five."

There was a bit of shuffling on his end and another shaky breath as he tried to compose himself. "You live t-ten minutes away."

"I can be there in five minutes, Steven," She promised, sliding into her car and revving her engine so it wouldn't die on her. "This scholar speeds."

He chuckled, but it died out quickly. "Connie... I..."

He sounded like he was nervous suddenly, but her mind went to the darkest places possible for no apparent reason she wanted to digest outside of journaling. "Hey, whatever happened we can figure it out toge– I mean, we can figure it out as long as we're best friends, yeah?" She furrowed her brow in frustration at herself and the red light, then realizing no cars were coming or going, sped through it. "Sorry, got distracted by a red light."

Steven sighed heavily. "Right. I get it."

The sadness in his voice hurt her to no end, so she accelerated a bit more until she was crusing 60 in a 30. "Shiva, please don't let the cops be on patrol today. I'm gonna do something a little naughty," She murmured, pushing on the accelerator. The car chugged, staying at 60 as she slammed her hand on the dash and pumped with her foot. "Come on, Montessa, work with me dammit!"

Thank the stars it slowed down enough that when she passed a couple of cops on an adjacent street they didn't notice her. She smiled and sure enough Montessa got the message and sped back up to a nice 75 in a 40 until she was nearing Stevens house rapidly. "I'm almost there, Steven. Hold on."

He broke down again, blubbering something about friendship and she found a parking spot right where Audra would normally park. "Is it okay to park anywhere? Is Audra going to be home soon?"

"I don't know, Connie. I don't know anything anymore."

Connie flew out of her car with the box of tissues she'd grabbed and shoved open the front door.

Instantly she felt two emotions fighting to create a burning in her chest: guilt and sadness. Their house was so beautiful; there was a window seat out the front window perfect for reading, an office just off the main living room with a massive glass window, a computer and a few instruments lined up perfectly, and a massive kitchen with two too many kinds of ovens and the faint scent of dessert lingering there. And that was just what she could see standing at the front door.

Well, that and Steven slumped against the master bed looking absolutely distraught. She didn't physically see him, she caught his eye through the mirror hanging on the back of their bathroom door. It was strange to her, seeing Steven used to make her nauseous with hurt. Things happened and they grew apart, it was mutual-ish. Neither wanted to break up but they'd assumed it was for the best.

His hair had grown long enough that he kept it in a beautiful and slightly messy bun nowadays, a few perfect coils rebelling to frame the soft cheeks he was still sporting, that baby face on what was clearly now a grown man. His shoulders had gotten broader, he'd gotten taller...

Steven had gotten handsomer.

But he was not hers to notice that about, so she shoved that down and set her keys on the counter, wondering if she should make her debut as an incredible actress on Empire Row. At this rate she'd win awards. "Hey, Steven. What's the matter?"

As soon as she got close he spread his arms for a hug first like he always did before exchanging formalities. Steven was a hugger at heart, and she liked to think he saved his best very ones for her; one hand on her lower back and the other lightly holding her head to his chest. He was safe like that, genuine to no end that she could find. Another surge of guilt rose in her about how much of a liar she was to him. He took his signature deep breath as soon as she was pressed against him and let it out slowly. She could almost feel his eyes shutting with minor solace even if his heart was racing like mad from whatever he was upset about.

But she couldn't indulge. She was too much of a selfish creature and she would melt into so much contact when he needed her to be solid for him. Connie tried to end the hug but Steven wouldn't let her go at first. "Steven, what happened?"

He held her at arms length away suddenly, eyes darting from her face to look at the phone lying open next to him. "S-sorry. I just really needed a hug." His voice cracked and he didn't bother to try to cover it, dropping his head. "If you're braver than I am, and I know you are, you'll be able to read and see more than I could bear to."

Bear to? Connie's stomach dropped as she noticed it lying there, lighting up with new messages every once in awhile. "Okay." There she went again, being selfish and awful. This wasn't her business but she grabbed the phone and read the first message anyways. "What the fuck...?" Her eyes widened to dinner plates and she scrolled as far as she could go, but there were still messages loading. She couldn't believe it, so she kept going.

Sixteen minutes of complete silence save for a sniffle here and there from Steven was achieved before she reached the very first message from Audra to some guy named Anders.

'New phone, who dis?'

The Anders person answered right away according to the time stamp. 'Audra, you minx ; ). When are you able to come back to America?'

'Oh, sometime soon I'm sure. Charity awaits and all.'

Connie had to slam a hand over her mouth as a bunch of word vomit almost forced its way out. Charity work?! That's what she used to describe her time with Steven?

She was on a roll, she had to find out more. The messages were more or less the same, and then some were very explicit that she had to scroll by for a ridiculous amount of time before she got to something else.

'The kids miss you!' and a picture of twins with bright blonde hair and brown eyes like hers. One was clearly fair skinned to look more like their father genetics wise but one was distinctly different from the other despite his light skin. It didn't quite match, and Connie could confidently guess why.

Audra was was similar. Her blonde hair found some purchase in being curly like Stevens, but from African American roots. Audra was actually albino black, her pigment hadn't come in due to a genetic abnormality, and she was by far the most gorgeous woman Connie had ever seen. Her blonde fro and those chocolate eyes along with her perfectly contoured face, her beautiful curves and her voice. The woman could sing, and she loved to sing with Steven. He'd play her his music and she'd sing along. Connie thought their voices were made for each other, and that's all she'd let herself think.

"You look like you're going to be sick," Steven noticed, looking pale himself. "Tell it to me like it is just... be gentle. I only just found out."

Connie really struggled with how she was going to be able to gently tell Steven he'd fallen in love with a Dirty Double Crosser. How does one tell The One That Got Away that his seemingly perfect wife that he just found out has been cheating on him for a length of time he couldn't even bear to find out... has also been cheating for maybe three or so years, or had kids and continued the relationship with the father and their children after she'd met Steven? Which was worse?

No matter what way she twisted it, it wouldn't be gentle, but she tried her damndest. "Can I hold your hand, Steven? I know that's not very appropriate but–,"

He grabbed her hand without hesitation and squeezed. "Stop it. I hate when you say that, it drives me nuts. Just say it, Connie. And then hold me while I lose four years of my life and the dignity that came with it."

"She has kids. Recent kids," She murmured. That was probably a bit too blunt, but genuinely, what could she say?

Steven's eyes went dark. "You're going to hate me for this, but I knew that."

Connie startled. "I-I'm sorry?"

"Well, I didn't know-know, but I had my suspicions when she disappeared out of country for a very specific nine month period." His thumb brushed across Connie's fingers. "She told me she miscarried overseas during the charity drive in Haiti. I destroyed myself over it, wondering if it was because I'm a hybrid but doctors said I was fine. She refused to get checked and spent a few weeks really depressed so I guess if I think about it..." He swallowed and cleared his throat several times but still barely choked out, "She probably missed her real family."

Connie's heart, the heart that she'd sworn could know no sadness deeper than being a stupid naive teenager and parting with Steven, shattered. An overwhelming, heart wrenching, gut punching feeling made her tear up as Steven broke down harder than he had over the phone, tears falling on her hand and revitalizing her, but not healing her pain. "Oh, Steven."

He collapsed into her arms far heavier than she'd ever felt him and she tipped in mute surprise. But he'd begged her to hold him while he mourned and that was exactly what she was going to do.

And mourn he did. He went through every stage of grief in his sobbing alone. From the gasping, broken cries to wailing that he didn't understand, and what had he done so wrong to deserve this? How could it have happened like this? Hadn't he gone through enough? Then he regressed into himself, crying softer but bunching up her shirt in his hands as he grew angry and disgusted. He couldn't even bring himself to say anything. He just trembled, glowing with rage he'd long ago learned to contain for the sake of innocent people everywhere.

He went silent, still clinging to her on the plush carpeting she remembered them getting. They'd ran into each other at the housing appliance store as Steven had their house built, his eyes shining like the stone in his stomach. Connie had smiled politely and gone with Audra's choice: a deep mauve without too much light or dark, and not too much pink either. It had undertones of brown she'd fallen in love with on sight, and Steven had groaned with the prettiest smile she'd ever seen as he lost before they excused themselves and Audra walked away saying, "See? That Connie is excellent wife material." She'd stood there, staring off into the distance as miserable and embarrassed tears welled in her eyes. She wanted to hate Audra, but Audra wasn't being malicious. It was just her teasing Steven, and he hadn't seemed to mind but Connie did mind. She minded enough that she froze in time for 20 minutes before leaving her cart where it was and sobbing in the backseat of her car under the cover of darkness.

Anyways, here she was laying on the very same carpet holding the pieces of her broken ex boyfriend over her chest and trying to not notice that she was indefinitely slowly suffocating under the added mass from his dismay.

This was all so shocking to her, and that was the worst part. She'd never seen this coming at all. Connie wasn't really a jealous type, she didn't wish them an ill marriage even in her mind or loathe Audra for "stealing" her soulmate. She hadn't done that, so why would she be hostile with Audra?

No, Connie just cried about it every once in awhile. She'd find time after working longer hours than a clock and then come home to not find her wonderful, endlessly talented and beautiful Steven ready to listen to her vent about her terrible day. Day after day she hoped with everything in her soul that she was in a coma and would wake up to him holding her hand after being asleep for 20 years. She'd trade 20 years of her life to have him, but he was not hers so instead she took 20 years off her life by eating ice cream in a scalding hot bath, losing her appetite and crying. It disgusted her. What kind of horrible sick person loves another person into their marriage to someone else? What kind of washed up loser cried about her ex years after she'd seen them through thick and thin with their new and better lover? She'd even helped plan the proposal because she was just grateful to still be in his life at least. She should've moved on.

She'd attended Steven's wedding too. It was gorgeous, magnificent and surprisingly pretty intimate. She'd expected a grand ballroom with strict dress codes and gems everywhere, but save for the Crystal Gems, no others had attended. Garnet had grabbed her in between last minute Maid Of Honor duties (that's right, she'd gotten sucked into helping the love of her life marry someone else) and told her it would get worse before it got better. She hadn't the foggiest idea what that meant and it had freaked her out enough to nearly cry about it. Again. But no, this was not her wedding to make a scene at. She wasn't going to be ridiculous and ruin their night just because she was full of herself. During the vows Connie had literally had to go mute and blind by disassociating. The pictures showed her as stoic and beautiful according to Steven when she'd griped to him, worrying her mother's Resting Bitch Face was showing. Others hugged and smiled sadly at her, which only made the night worse. Audra patting her shoulder and giving her a sympathetic smile as she prepared for the first dance made Connie's depression reach the lowest it had ever been.

It was like everyone but Steven knew.

As Maid Of Honor, she'd been asked to make a toast. It was too big of an ask, and she'd forced herself to get violently ill by ingesting as much soy as she could. Sure she wouldn't get anaphylaxis, but she would grow faint and break out into cold sweats before the miserable burning erupted in her torso and she was quickly replaced without a second thought. She'd made sure no one would notice and it went swimmingly... kind of. It was a hot day that day, hotter than expected. She'd told them she'd gotten heat stroke and that's why she was so jittery as the few lurking by the front doors on their way to grab presents asked what was wrong.

Everyone believed her but Steven.

When she'd opened her eyes and blinked away the harsh hospital LED's she recognized the hand encasing hers so gently.

She turned, staring into the eyes of what she'd assumed would be the world's angriest groom. He'd have to be stupid not to know, and by the curious head tilt he was giving her, he did. "Why... did you almost kill yourself at my wedding?"

Her eyes widened and she scoffed in offense, reaching for the nurse button to kick him out for such an offensive and preposterous accusation. She wasn't trying to kill herself, she was trying to not make a toast by any means possible including but not limited to killing herself. That was very, very different, she'd told herself confidently. And– and it was quiet; she'd found a replacement (Audra's best friend) and as she left Kelsey promised she'd make it seamless. Besides, if she had died at the wedding, who cared? She wasn't suicidal, just pretty content to die whenever. "I think that's the most hurtful thing you've ever said to me, Steven."

He blinked, but gripped her tighter and yanked the cord so the remote dropped from her hand. "Don't kick me out. W-wait, uhm..." He scanned the room nervously. "I didn't mean it like that. It was a joke. Don't you know you're allergic to soy, NiNi?"

Of course she did. "Really, Steven? I had no idea. Next time you'll have to baby sit me."

He cracked a smile. "Yeah, at my next wedding I'll for sure babysit so you don't make this a habit." She opened her mouth to ask a question, but his eyes flickered to pink. "But I'm really serious when I tell you not to do it again. I... Don't think it was on purpose. But regardless, please be careful. I need you."

He'd left without a word of goodbye and confused her so much she started to panic which sent cortisol into her blood which provided a lovely and much stronger rebound reaction that required benadryl through an IV and another Epipen stabbing.

So she'd nearly died on her ex boyfriends wedding day to avoid the toast, got very obviously called out by now married said ex boyfriend who didn't seem to be mad for some reason, then was stabbed twice. As far as weddings where you watch the love of your life kiss another woman and say forever, it had gone pretty well.

Connie's eyes shot open from the quick nap she'd fallen into, thankful to be away from such a vivid recalling of his wedding and the events thereafter. The front door was opening and that was not a good sign no matter what way she looked at it. She tried to nudge Steven, but he held onto her tighter and continued snoring. They weren't in a precarious position by any means. He was off to her side now with his head buried in her neck. Their arms were wrapped around each other, but it was more friendly than anything.

Still, Connie prepared for shit to hit the fan in every conceivable way.

Audra sauntered in as happy as always but stopped at the door and tipped her head in automatically suspicious but playful confusion. "Okay... uhm, what is this Connie? Don't tell me my MOH is tryna steal my mans now." She laughed, but it fell flat when Connie didn't attempt to pick it up this time. She had no loyalty for Audra if she had none for Steven and that was, as Amethyst would say, the 4-1-1, yo.

A million nasty things wanted to tear out of Connie. She wanted to call her a vile, evil, cowardly whore. She wanted to call her a filthy Jezibel, a liar, a cheater, a skank. Whatever hurtful words she could think of she wanted to sling at her until she bled from verbal abuse alone. Instead, she held Audra's gaze from her spot on the floor, making sure she'd follow her eyes and moved hers to the phone next to her hand.

Audra stared at it in blank horror, what was probably a multitude of emotion battling for territory of her face. "Shit."

Now Connie allowed herself to feel some anger on Steven's behalf, not hers. "Is that really all you have to say? He's been crying since three in the afternoon! It's Midnight!"

Audra's face dropped into concern, genuine concern that made Connie gag softly. "Has he really?" When she nodded, tears welled in her eyes. "I don't know why I did it, just that I'm in too deep and I don't know what to do anymore."

Connie didn't know how she could trust those tears. Audra had always seemed like such an honest person, she was real to no end and had a very thin filter. She was bold and confident and not afraid to tell someone off if they needed it. But was that all fake too? How could anything she was be real if she cheated for that long and kept up such a beautiful facade?

It baffled her, but before she could answer, Steven sat up like he was possessed with a second wind. They stared at each other and Connie tried not to feel like she was intruding when she definitely was, but she couldn't leave when he was clutching her hand so tightly.

Audra kept crying. Steven was out of tears for the moment, so they just kept staring at each other. After a minute had passed, Steven broke the eye contact to stare down at the carpet. "Your kids should have a house, Audra. They shouldn't be living in a trailer park so young, it's dangerous with the roads so close."

She sniffled in surprise. "What?"

"I said your kids shouldn't be living in a trailer park. Cars, unsupervised children, splat." His knees went up so he could rest his chin on them and he sighed wistfully, almost verbally wishing they were his without having to say it. Instead he mumbled, "It's a pretty easy line of reasoning to follow, Audra. You're a smart girl."

There was no mistaking the You Fucked Up feeling in the room and Connie was now suffocating under that. Maybe today just wasn't her day to be allowed to breathe correctly, maybe crying had increased her endurance.

Audra's eyes moved to Connie trying to make herself a smaller target. She wished to not be perceived but then again, when had wishing ever done her any good? "So... are you guys together now?"

Connie scoffed a disbelieving and furious laugh. "What?! It's gonna take Steven so much time to recover from this, and that is the last thing on my mind!"

Steven squeezed her hand and stood, pulling Audra into what looked like a final hug. "I'll see you soon, okay? I need some of that time right now."

She nodded, trying to keep her composure. "I'm sorry, Steven."

"I know you are, Audra," Steven murmured kindly. "I can't begin to imagine your regret, whichever way it goes." His hands raised and he wiped a few of her tears away. He seemed to attempt a smile but kissed her forehead before turning and walking past Connie to open drawers and dressers.

It was fairly apparent what he was doing.

Audra started sobbing and begging him to stay, pleading with him and tugging on his arm, pulling at a man who could be undeterred if he wanted to be. He was expressionless. One could almost believe he was packing for a business trip. Steven showed neither happiness or sadness, nor anger.

The emotion bomb that was Steven Universe had no emotion left to give at the moment, he'd given it all to his wife in their years of marriage and then cried the rest out on the carpet they'd picked out freshly engaged and in love.

"I should go," Connie whispered to no one. Neither were going to hear, so she briskly left and cried the entire way home.

As soon as she got there she sent a siren to her therapist over email and sat by the toilet all night. At around 8 in the morning she was asked if she was available, and before she could comprehend the new world she was living in she was facing down a smug therapist.

"So it finally happened, huh?"

Connie was taken aback and tucked a strand of her unbrushed hair back. "I'm sorry?"

Jeanne forced the smile away and pulled out her laptop. "Connie, what happened?"

She spilled everything she could remember from beginning to end, she'd written it down beforehand knowing she'd ask these questions that felt so violating. But looking down at them she could no longer place memories to the things she'd written. "I think I'm really tired. The memories are fading fast..."

Jeanne pursed her lips in concern. "I'm going to ask you something, and it'll be a great exercise for not being defensive." Connie clenched her fists but quickly undid it. "Do you think this may be your worst nightmare?"

Connie scoffed. "I'm refusing to let myself feel any way about it, Jeanne."

"Come on, Connie," Jeanne encouraged patiently. "Let your walls down."

But she just couldn't be bothered to even try. She grew defensive and upset at the mere mention because it made emotions start to gain pressure and it wasn't her thing to be upset or cry over so she shouldn't feel anything but sympathy and empathy, but a healthy amount.

A week went by and no calls or messages from Steven. Connie refreshed every messaging app she had him on all day every day. She'd gotten written up twice until they realized how ill she was looking and took one of them back before sending her home on PTO. Connie had practically begged on her hands and knees, but her boss shook his head and told her if she didn't leave she'd be fired.

So she trudged back to her car and drove back home sobbing. Everything was terrible. She'd gotten written up twice before ten and then sent home at 10:09. How embarrassing was that? She was falling apart over something she shouldn't care so much about, and she'd had it.

Jeanne was unsurprised when Connie burst in with disheveled work clothes and sobbed, "Jeanne, this is hell! What is happening to me? Why does everything hurt so badly?"

"Connie, you are one of the kindest people I know. You think you're a selfish and terrible person for loving Steven through his marriage to someone else, but you have consistently proved that you are anything but that when you have stayed loyal to your best friend without interfering in any way. You've helped Steven plan a perfect proposal even though I told you not to cave in if he asked and been his confidant through all four years. You were his Maid Of Honor and yes, you nearly kicked the bucket trying to escape it, but you're far kinder than I would have been. You've hung out with them for extended periods of time whenever they wanted your company which again, was a thing I suggested you not do because you don't have to be that nice if it's making you so sick you're starting to look tired every time we meet and you can't eat. Connie, you aren't losing your mind over them breaking up. You're hurting to this extent because Steven is hurting. You cannot know what he's going through, but your heart is trying in some hapless attempt to take his pain away by empathizing too hard. It's not going to help Steven that much but I think it will be a good segue to eventually restrengthen that bond as best friends first once you have reorganized your priorities and are taking time for yourself while he's gone. You're empathetic to your core even though you like to pretend you're jaded. When Steven hurts, you hurt. That's part of friendship: empathy and the pain that comes with the kind of close friendship you and Steven have. It's never once tapered off. Not in college, and not now."

Connie had gawked at her, but eventually slumped into a seat and cried. She grieved their relationship, she grieved all the nights she'd wasted trying to move on too soon and only ended up stunting herself because dammit, no one was Steven. She grieved hard, and only at the last minute of her session did her tears lessen enough to say thank you.

After that, she realized something in the next week: She was still in love with the teenage version of Steven. She was still, in her mind, best friends with teenage Steven. She needed to be in the present and not the past, and for that next three weeks where Steven was absent the first thing she did was message him every morning to say she missed and cared about him and then she'd spend the day trying to ground herself during an extended PTO request Jeanne had helped her make.

It was a shaky start to say the least. She made bad decisions trying to stay lucid and only ending up in a bar bathroom on a Tuesday with complete strangers and her closest girl friend Anna strip testing cocaine and then just taking it like nothing. She felt nothing for so long, not even regret for what she did. At least, not until she got the worst flu she'd ever had in her entire life.

She was feverish almost to the point of calling a hospital, she was freezing cold and clogged up and lonely.

That's when another realization hit her. She was so lonely, but not because she never hung out with people. Connie was a really good masker, she could hang out with groups of people and seem completely fine when she was on the brink of jumping in front of a semi. Life was crazy that way, but she was beginning to at least notice with a more regular bedtime that she wasn't so tired. She was lonely for herself in a way. She missed being Connie and not this heavy shell.

Things weren't good. They were still bad. Connie had nagging guilt about doing a drug based on peer pressure, but more than that her desperate need to escape the emptiness life presented at every turn. She was miserable at college and buried to the neck in work. She loved her friends, but the trade off was her sanity fading into a fun little neurosis once in a blue moon. She'd lost her boyfriend, the one that she'd thought she'd be walking down the aisle to immediately after graduation. Her life had been planned, she realized, and lives couldn't be.

She had to roll with the punches and there were two options: duck or take it right in the face and shake it off. Currently there was no fight back button that she could see, but there was no give up button either. Connie had sat with herself and mediated every night, trying to find if she should be admitted.

Thankfully the answer was no, she just needed to take a step forward.

Connie was in a really good mood one Friday, and had decided she was ready to revisit a park she and Steven used to frequent on dates. They both loved nature endlessly and had gotten lost in the woods time and time again. The only thing with these woods was that it lead into Jasper's old territory, which Steven would rather avoid. That compelled her to go there. Something about that first fight being one of two brutal beatdowns, both mentally and physically... it felt like change. She needed some change.

The trees were healing, some even miraculously so. It was a miracle how the forest was thick with the smell of fresh flora. Pollen coated her light jacket almost immediately and she was pleased she didn't have any pollen allergies. She sneezed from the concentration anyways, but smiled. The wildlife was bouncing back too. To her left she heard rustling and spotted a fox out in the daylight, a rare sight she hoped meant good luck. It weaved in and out of the lower hanging bushes and tall grasses looking for food before it burrowed away again in search of peace from the harsh sunlight. Birds flitted and cheeped, gossiping about the other breeds and then fleeing the persnickety Blue Jays and Ravens. Chickadees hopped from branch to branch only to find a squirrel and turn tail feather to another better tree away from what she liked to think was their rival. Survival of the fittest, darwinism, was everywhere.

A stream, heavy with rushing water and slippery rocks and surrounded with lush mosses and grasses spread out in front of her. Feeling a bit whimsical she grinned and clutched onto her backpack to make sure it was secured tightly. To jump would be stupid and borderline suicidal, but she was accepting that maybe sometimes that's what she was.

So, she jumped.

A force knocked her off her feet and then knocked her breath out of her lungs. At first she'd thought she'd been attacked by an animal and tried to figure out which had such a bare pelt.

Turns out, it was not an animal. Well, not really.

It was a Steven, or at least one of his forms. He was half corrupted but it didn't seem painful or like it hurt. Before she could take in more than his horns and the darkness surrounding his Diamond pupils he scrambled off of her and brushed a hand through the air like erasing a white board. They faded into nothing and he crossed his arms, facing away. "Why are you here?"

He sounded angry, and she supposed he had every right to be with the way his life had turned out at such a young age of 25. But she refused to let him be mad at her for being in nature, her most comfortable biome. "I wanted to go to a place my demons would prefer not follow me to."

He sighed and turned, drinking her in from head to toe less than casually before he whistled and Lion burst through a portal. He climbed on and sighed heavily. It sounded like that much effort alone reminded him of the ache in his chest. Without saying much else than, "I'll be back, I promise," he disappeared into the forest again.

Connie plopped down where she was and tried not to think about the way Steven felt against her just moments before: powerful, wild, a little feral but mostly human still. He'd covered her with arms caging her in from above to save her life. It had never crossed her mind that she might need to be saved from herself out here when she was so chipper, but she indulged in the grass below her fingers and pretended it was as tickled as she was at how the world seemed to decide maybe she should get something to make her feel a bit better.

Hours passed, they must have while she hummed and sang stories to the nature around her. Soon, the first glimpse of a firefly filled her with so much joy she couldn't help but murmur how beautiful everything was in the dusk hours. She knew she should leave, especially with the nocturnal creatures tending to be a bit more violent than the dormant flowers around her but she didn't.

Large, crunching footsteps behind her after a bit made her freeze and slowly grab the switchblade she'd brought with her.

"Don't stab me, that would be impolite."

Connie stood up fast and met eyes with Steven holding a torch. "Oh! Hi... How are you?"

"I'm really great actually! My entire life went up in flames recently but, you know, whatever!" It fascinated her that he could be humorless and funny at the same time, but she didn't want to seem like she was rude so she muffled the laugh with a nervous cough. It didn't work but he laughed too. "Why are you still here?"

Her eyes widened as she scrambled to find an answer that didn't sound stupid. "I sprained my ankle earlier. Thought this was as good a place as any to become some lucky creatures next meal." She gestured to the grass. "Healthy greens." Then to the water. "Fresh, cold beverage."  And lastly herself, though she was a bit self conscious about bringing attention to all the nothing she felt she had to offer. "Protein. Calcium if it's an animal that likes bones too."

A smile began to spread over Steven's face. "Right. Your ankle seems fine, you're putting good weight on it."

She panicked a little at being caught and winced sharply, lifting the weight off of it and groaning. "Ow, ow... It comes and goes..."

Steven burst out laughing and nodded, throwing up the torch and bubbling it in midair. "Well, there's no hospital out here. I suppose I'll just have to heal it."

She was sure he could see how deeply red she turned as her foot returned to the ground. "Oh! Uhm... I guess?"

"You're a really, really bad liar, Connie," He murmured, shaking his head.

She scoffed and felt her armor reappear. "I'm actually a really great liar, I'll have you know! You don't even know that for years I've been–!" Her hands slammed over her mouth as she realized he was very obviously setting her up.

Steven raised an eyebrow and tapped his temple. "Nice catch. Come on then."

"What?"

He sighed and knelt a bit, tapping his gem twice and then the ground. His footprints illuminated in the way he must have come from and Connie gasped. "I'm being selfish because I'd like my best friend to stay, but we're also three miles into the woods and I'd not really enjoy fighting a bear on the way back to your car."

Connie tucked her head shyly. "You are a bear."

He stared at the footprints before turning to meet her eye with a tiny grin. "I can be much bigger than a bear. I'm stronger than a bear. Faster too... more dangerous." His eyes skimmed the ground and he sighed. "And unfortunately, nicer than a bear."

She giggled but paused. Was this her wise mind, or her emotion mind telling her to go with him? "Can you give me a minute?"

He nodded and tucked his hands in his sweatpants pockets. "Right on. Take your time, Connie."

Like a lunatic, she sat where she stood and pulled out her CBT workbook to go through the flowchart and find where she was at. If it was emotional, she couldn't go. Not if she respected Steven, and not if she wanted to learn to respect herself.

Steven was patient and still as a statue. He was always a polite man, but she could tell he was eyeing the book curiously. "Well, it says that wouldn't be an incredibly bad idea, so I guess I'm ready when you are," Connie answered finally.

Steven choked out a dry laugh. "It's crazy, women used to be kicking down my door and sometime between five years ago and four years ago the code of ethics changed." He blew out a laugh laughing breath that puffed out his cheeks and raised his eyebrows. "That's wild as fuck."

Connie tucked her book back in her bag and stood next to him. "You curse?"

"Yep. You'd know if you'd stuck around." He said it so amiably it sounded like a compliment before he whistled and Lion trotted into the area of the beacon of light. "Damn it, Lion! What is that?! Ugh, why'd I even bring you out here with me?!"

He was holding a copious amount of dead lizards, which was indeed a reason to throw a fit but she'd forgotten how over dramatic Steven's feelings could get over easily fixable solutions.

It was hilarious and adorable, and a hand drifted to her mouth to muffle the giggles and Lion sat and gave Steven his best puppy dog eyes.

"No! No! Bad Lion! No, that's not gonna work. Look, Connie's here, see? She's not going to like that." He pointed back at her and Lion looked past him, nudging Steven out of the way and kneeling. "Giant pink asshole," Steven muttered, climbing on first. "I don't know why mom didn't just let you die. It's genuinely beyond me sometimes." He chuckled anyways and rubbed at his mane before glancing to Connie. "Sorry, he's basically been my only friend out here."

Connie climbed on too, realizing with unfortunate timing that she'd have to cling to Steven to stay upright without the support of holding his mane. "Uhm... Hey, this is probably definitely inappropriate but–,"

"Oh my god, I brought the two biggest banes of my existence into one area and expected them not to work together," He half laughed, half complained loud enough that something slinked away. "Connie, just grab me and hold on, for fucks sake! It's not like you're giving me a fucking handjob!"

"Why would I be the bane of your existence when I've been nothing but moderately helpful?" Connie giggled, unable to feel annoyed by his whining. He was so silly and it seemed amplified when he was so clearly upset and heartbroken.

Mentally she ticked down her list of the stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Steven was showing mix of denial and anger perhaps with the intensely genuine frustration coming out so ridiculous. Steven had angry feelings from his childhood, but he wasn't an angry person. It just didn't emote well so he probably did find some comfort in being a little ridiculous. She wondered how many nights Steven fake argued with Lion over little things, and how often he'd cried himself to sleep against him in a flash of the Depression stage. She'd learned the stages weren't linear and that there were honorary ones, but she couldn't know for sure what he was going through and she had to be okay with just being a shoulder to cry on.

They trotted in silence, past the trees now dark with threats and the grasses alive with snakes and the mice they were after. It was so peaceful she almost could forget she was practically skin to skin with him.

Almost, but no cigar. Her tank top provided little coverage and he was topless because the day was hot to no end. He wasn't dirty though, he'd clearly been bathing in some type of way. Earthy scents filled her from him though it wasn't bad. There was the musk of earth and wildlife, the coolness of a stream and the heat of a day trying to hide from the sun in it. Steven's natural scent was flowers, and a little cologne he put on that made her brain go haywire. She'd told him she must be allergic and he'd stopped wearing it. She'd felt so guilty, but she refused to dwell on that.

"I'm glad your peeing is better."

Connie scoffed and laughed at the same time, leaning back to catch a gaze he refused to give her. "I'm sorry?!"

He giggled. "Let me start over: I'm really glad you figured out whatever was wrong with you at my wedding."

That only caused more turmoil and her heart picked up speed. "Uhm. Rude?"

"Not rude, observant. You took a lot of bathroom breaks," He told her as if she didn't know. "Fourteen if I recall correctly, or at least in the ballpark."

Connie just stopped breathing. It seemed like a reasonable thing to do honestly. What else could she say? Sure she could maybe lie her way out of it and say she had crippling diarrhea that was shooting out of her ass like bullets from a gun, but that would almost be as stupid as the sprained ankle thing.

Steven sighed and clicked his tongue, causing Lion to halt in place. He unwrapped her arms from him and slid off, then moved her up. "Alright, Lion. Keep going."

This gave him the opportunity to look at her face and gauge the guilt surely showing on it, but she turned the other direction and tried to find any way to change the subject. "You had a really, really beautiful wedding."

"Audra told me she saw you going to town on the chili after I mentioned to keep an eye on you." He chuckled, tucking his hands back in his pockets as he stared at the ground. "It had a sign and everything: Contains Soybeans. We had an alternative just for you, even."

She couldn't believe he was smirking like that while he led her to his tucked away lean to in the woods. "Maybe it got knocked over. I didn't see it."

"No, because I think you did though," Steven protested a bit more forcefully but still mostly humorously. "I really, truly think you did. You wanna know why?"

She shook her head but said, "Yes."

He held up one finger. "One: It was packing taped to the crock pot. It was in black ink on white paper with bold letters, and then re-outlined in red. Two: I watched you read it and grab a bigger bowl." He turned to her and actually smiled, though his brows were furrowed. "You were miserable the whole time, weren't you?"

She sighed, gripping Lions mane tighter. "This valet is really weird, you should eat him," Connie told the feline. "He keeps asking me these really personal questions like he's my therapist or something."

"Well my therapist told me to confront you last week," Steven sighed.

"And mine told me I'm too nice."

Silence for almost a minute clawed at Connie's throat until she blurted, "Fine! You got me. I was having a tough day. A tough year. A tough since-college. Are you happy with yourself yet?"

Steven scoffed. "After I had to hold your hand in the ER while your blood pressure dropped to 40/20? After my best friend had to be pumped full of drugs I'll never be able to pronounce so her body would stop starving her of oxygen?" His voice upticked, fear and frustration he'd been apparently holding back for years exploding out of him. "And– and what was I supposed to do?! I couldn't kiss you to make it better, I wanted to so badly, I just wanted to kiss you but I'm married and it would look bad–,"

"Wait," Connie interrupted in horror. "I'm confused on the context of said kiss. Would you like to–?"

Steven laughed. "Elaborate? No, I would not like to do that at all. Anyways, you got so ill and I could do nothing but cry but my powers were out from nerves. Thank the stars you woke up when you did... what was I supposed to do without my best friend?"

Lion stopped and sat flat on his ass, tossing Connie off haphazardly into Steven's arms. "That's not funny!" They bellowed.

Lion yawned and laid down, ignoring both of them and promptly fell asleep.

Steven dropped his head. "Unbe-fucking-lievable."

Connie was just trying to stay on this plane of reality. Steven was holding her like her weight was nothing, and he seemed to notice her noticing because a jaded expression crossed his face and he dropped her almost entirely to the ground before he caught her again and set her on her feet. He knelt in front of her like a peasant and nodded to his back. "Sorry, intrusive cynicism. Hop on."

Connie hesitated for the right reasons for the first time in a long time. "Are you going to drop me again?"

"I didn't drop you, I let you fall but not land. And probably not because I feel terrible about it," He uttered, wiggling his hands and hoisting her up while sounding like he felt anything but terrible about it.

He was fast, even walking she struggled to find a hold that wasn't somehow touching his chest or choking him out so she wouldn't fall. The trees and shadows blurred a bit beside her and she tried to relax her body against his without letting her mind wander. Steven would reach back to pat her head and sigh occasionally like he couldn't tell if she was still there or not. The silence was awkward, and she supposed it was supposed to be. Maybe they needed the awkward silence, maybe it was a first step.

The night ended up being uneventful until Steven sucked in a deep breath and awoke beside her staring up at the stars. "How do such terrible things happen under such a beautiful sky?"

Connie, half asleep, muttered, "Luck and misfortune at once. Perseverance, prosperity comes to those who wait, YOLO."

He chuckled but she could hear the tears in it so she turned over to face him and found he wasn't even looking at the sky anymore. Steven was looking at her with glowing eyes but he didn't seem happy by any means. He seemed annoyed. "Why would you torture yourself for my benefit?"

The crickets that filled the space between them would've been funny if they weren't suddenly so close. "Because that's what good friends do."

Steven rolled his eyes. "Connie, you might be the only person on this entire planet I have any love for at this point and I promise you I would never torture myself like you have, at least not in the same ways."

Connie raised an eyebrow. "So what, you wouldn't have given a toast at my wedding?"

He tipped his head and pondered that. "Let's pretend I'm in your shoes, however you're feeling now, and you know everything I know."

"I don't get to feel the way you do right now?" Connie asked with a small titter.

But Steven stayed serious. "I'd never wish this upon another soul, I promise you that. Just pretend though that you know everything I do, and I'm you. Even if that were the case, I could never. I'd be offended you asked, I'd crash the wedding and burn it to the ground along with any bridges I had to you." His eyes glowed again but much brighter. "Friendship demolished."

"How pleasant." It was like Connie's emotions were tossed into a washing machine at full speed with no end in sight. She grinned at his truthful confession. "You'd burn down my wedding?"

"To the ground, you forgot that part. I'd burn it to the ground and light a cigarette in the blaze before walking off. Of course you'd be conveniently saved, if the groom treats you nice he may survive with more injuries than you." Now the corner of his lip was twitching upwards, and a smirk lifted his face. "I'm far, far more selfish than you are. I should probably fix that but I don't think Audra has taught me to behave any differently. If the universe truly wanted me to change one of my flaws it would've showed me why it's bad I guess."

Connie giggled and shrugged. "My therapist says my fatal flaw is Personal Loyalty. She's grecian."

"Mine too," Steven laughed. "It's actually better know as hamartia." He swiped a clump of her hair off her face and simpered. "I guess... Personal Loyalty sounds right for me but it's the opposite in some ways. I'm loyal even if..." His eyes got wide and he pressed his lips together tightly. "Even if it's killing me, Connie."

The way he said her name with so much feeling made her break out into a sweat. He almost sounded like he was going to continue, but instead he grabbed her hand.

"Do you understand me? I-I can't say it, but do you understand what I'm saying?"

She tried, but her heart was covered in brambles and thorns. Her inner soldier that was a sucker for pain couldn't make it through and was bleeding out inches from where it would penetrate her heart. But it did not, and as much as it hurt her to do she shook her head and tried not to cry. "I don't understand. I've never understood." She squeezed their intertwined hands until their palms were flush against each other; her cool was his warmth now and so on.  "But I'm trying, I'm just stuck."

"I need time, but don't wait for me."