PART 2 OF THE DOUBLE UPDATE!

I don't know how I'm going to survive this... the question if I will, is still in the air.

My heart has never felt so broken, my throat has never ached so much from a knot constantly there, my cheeks have never been this tired from upholding a smile.

As soon as the lies spilled out of my mouth, I was ready to leave and cry until my throat ran dry. I felt so guilty, hiding everything away, pushing things back. It hurt so much to do so.

Ethan knew as soon as I said those things, that inside I wasn't okay, his hand crept up my leg, holding onto my thigh, and never left its place there as we finished dinner together.

No one could tell; I masked my true feelings like I have been doing since I first arrived here in early September – I had become a master at it; wiping my tears in one room, stepping out and shinning in the next.

Only now, my heart is aching, my tears are at bay, but I can hardly uphold the smile I have on my face like I used to be able to.

"Hey, you okay?" Ethan whispers, my hands stilling momentarily before I'm washing the plate again.

"Yeah, I'm good, why?" I force a smile.

"Francesca, don't lie, not to me." His voice softens, his body coming in closer to me.

"I'm fine." I say, turning my attention to the oh-so entertaining sink where I'm washing up.

"Let's take a walk, just you and me?" He suggests, and I'm frowning at the dirty dishes. "They can wait, you need some air. Come on."

"What about everyone?" I ask, sighing as I look up, only to see that everyone's laid about, doing nothing except Hanna who is back to sleep. Ethan turns to me, his eyebrows raised. "Okay, let's go."

"Guys, we're going out for a bit, won't be too long!" Ethan raises his voice, letting them all know.

"You better not, lovebirds, I want to play a game of charades." Lauren replies, and I smile at her attempt to get us all together. She seems to be the only one in the mood for anything which isn't surprising considering she came home yesterday morning.

I dry my hands off on the dishtowel before walking towards Ethan, and he passes me my coat which is really his from the hook on the back of the door, and we put them on before we leave. His hand is nicely slot in mine as we brace the stairs slowly, me catching the air that I've so desperately needed.

"Where are we going?" I whisper.

"Just around campus, like old times?" He suggests with a smile, the wave of familiarity hitting me. Every Monday, after class, we would simply walk around campus with a coffee, then stopping at a bench near a massive tree.

To do this, walk around campus like old times as he said, was simply peaceful. There's no hiding with him anymore, I'm simply free and going back from this into a cage after two weeks is cruel, it's torturing me.

I don't appreciate how beautiful this campus is, I really don't, not until I'm purposely looking like I am right now, walking to that familiar bench.

"Francesca?" He grabs my attention, and I look up at him, my brief smile dropping as I take in his facial expression – troubled and confused.

"What's wrong?" I whisper, stopping in my tracks, cupping his jaw.

"No, please." He says, my heart dropping as his guard raises. "I'm okay, I just want to talk with you."

"Ethan, what-" I'm the one to look confused and trouble because that's exactly how I'm feeling.

"Francesca, I'm so proud of you; you have to know that. I'm so proud of you, for everything you've gone through, but..." He sighs, looking around as he begins to walk again, and I just wish he would stop walking away from me. "Baby, you need help... and I can't be the one to do it."

"Ethan, I'm fine. Look at me." I demand, a dry knot in my throat, and he stops walking, looking back at me. "Why are you doing this?"

"Me?!" He yells, running his hands over his face, and I frown, my confidence shrinking down.

"Yes! Why are you bringing this up?" I ask, pushing my hair out of my face.

"Because I fucking care about you, and I can't watch you destroy yourself!" He exclaims loudly, and I let out a shaky breath, hoping not to cry. "We've just had a lovely dinner with your friends, and you acted like nothing happened through Christmas break. That you didn't nearly overdose in that bathroom, that you didn't tell me about the incident, that we haven't spent the last two weeks together, that you haven't been on the edge of breaking completely. But you lied to them, continued to feed them lies like you staying in New Haven. I understand why you did it, and why you've been lying to them since you came back to college, I get it but that's not okay. You're not fine. Baby, I'm looking out for you-"

"I am fine though!" I exclaim, arguing my point even though it's a total lie.

"No, no you're not because you're still living with this lie, this secret about the incident which wasn't even your fault. I know your dad abused and manipulated you into thinking that, but it wasn't your fault. Your friends will be there for you, and the longer you continue with this, it will eat you up. You've told me, and I'm so grateful, but I'm one person. You're still lying to those you love. You've told me, that was one step, and I'm so fucking proud of you, but I can't see you destroy yourself knowing what's happening underneath the wall you've built up for yourself. You need real help, a therapist to talk this out with because I may be taking psychology classes, but I'm not a professional at this. You need the help because it's only going to get worse." He says, and I run my fingers through the front of my hair, frustrated at his outburst.

"I don't need to see a therapist, I'm not- I don't need to." I argue, but I don't exactly have a point to back that up. I know deep down I do need to, but that seems like my worst nightmare. Funny considering right?

"I'm not trying to argue with you, I'm trying to help you." He says softly, cupping my face, our eyes meeting.

"I don't need the help." I continue with my façade with a broken whisper, my voice deceiving me.

"Look, please... I can't witness you going through this. It's hard, Francesca. You're hurting so much; you're so broken inside, and no one but me knows. I'm so happy that you trusted me, I'm so grateful, but you're going through so much. I hate to do this, plead you into something you don't want to do, but I'm thinking of you. I'm worried for you, and I can't watch you go through this much longer." He says, and my heart drops at his words.

"So... if I don't, you'll leave?" I ask, my voice breaking and he swipes his thumb over my cheek which I shrug off, turning away from him.

"Baby, I don't want to." He says, and I exhale slowly, tears threatening to fall.

"I can't get help, you know that." I whisper.

"No, I believe you can." He says, and I scoff looking at him. "You told me."

"Because I fucking love you!" I scream, smacking my hand over my mouth as soon as the words fall.

"You... you love me?" He looks terrified, his eyes searching my own, asking for any sign that I'm lying.

"I don't know! I don't know what I'm saying! You're breaking up with me, and... I don't know." I ramble, trying to backtrack but it's a lost cause.

"I want to help you Francesca. I want you to get better. I want you to work through your issues with someone who knows how to help you. Can't you see that?" He asks, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down.

"You're such a hypocrite!" I exclaim with a dry laugh, and he frowns at me. "I've opened up to you, I've trusted you with everything, and as soon as you speak about your problems, you shut up. You're throwing this shit in my face, this therapist bullshit even though I'm in a better place than you are!"

"Well, I didn't nearly fucking overdose to cope, did I, Francesca?" He snaps, his jaw ticking when he does, and the tears finally start, mostly out of anger. "I have dealt with my issues, they happened when I was a child, it became normal to me. You grew up perfectly and this was thrown at you. I don't need help; I could tell you everything right now but it's not the time nor the place. You've been through so much shit lately, and how unfair would it be to tell you all of it whilst you're at your worst? – So fucking unfair Francesca, that's what. I went through some bad shit, but I dealt with it. It was nearly ten years ago, and I don't need therapy to work through that. I don't, but you do."

"I don't want you to leave me, please don't leave me, Ethan. I can't do this without you." I practically beg, and he steps towards me, wiping my tears as he sighs. "You promised."

"I know, baby, I know." He whispers.

"You're breaking up with me." I state, it sinking in.

"I don't want to, I love you so much, and I don't want to do this." He murmurs, closing his eyes and my heart momentarily stops at his admittance.

He loves me too.

"If you love me, you wouldn't do this." I say, a sob escaping me as I grasp onto us.

"I'm doing this because I love you. Francesca you need the help, and I can't be on the sidelines watching you breakdown in private whilst you're shining around your friends. If I'm with you as your boyfriend, I know we'll become a distraction to what's happening on the inside. When things turn bad, I don't want to come home to see you passed out, or drugs in your bedside table. I don't want that for you. I want you to be better, for you to see a professional and talk about this. Please, if not for you, do it for your mom, she'd hate that you're punishing yourself for this." He says and that's when I break, sobbing uncontrollably and he pulls me into his chest, rubbing my back as his chin rests on the top of my head.

"I can't lose you as well." I choke out.

"I don't break my promises, baby, you should know that by now. I'm not leaving you; I just can't be your boyfriend. You need me as a friend right now more, without the extra complications and distractions." He says and I look up at him, my lip wobbling as I see the tears in his eyes.

"I love you." I whisper, meaning every single word.

"I love you too, so much but it doesn't change anything." He murmurs, wiping my tears again.

"I'll get help, just... please don't leave me." I say with a croaky voice, hating how weak I sound.

"Do this for yourself, get the help and I'll be waiting for you. We collided in the best way possible but it's not our time, it's not and we both know that. You need to get yourself better, and I'm only going to make it worse." He says, and I shake my head, frowning at him.

"You know that that's not the truth." I say and he exhales deeply.

"Please, not for me, but for you and your mom, get the help we both know you need. I'll pay for it; you don't need to worry about that. Work towards getting yourself better. Your mental health is always more important than a relationship, and that's why I'm going to be the one who takes the step back." He says, dropping his hand from my cheek and I let out another shaky sob.

"That's not your place to decide." I continue to fight for this, for us. "How can you just drop everything like nothing ever happened?"

"You don't know how hard this is for me!" He yells, his voice breaking as some tears finally escape, running down his cheeks. "I love you so much, and the last thing I want to do is break up with you, but I'm being selfless and putting you first instead. I want to go to bed with you without waking up to your screaming or panicking. I don't want to be walking on eggshells around the lies that have gotten out of hand. I want you to speak to someone, deal with what has happened with the accident, losing your mom, your dads manipulative behavior, that night we went to the club, and those fucking nightmares. All you are doing is living with what's happened, you're not coping with it, you're barely surviving with it. I would love to stay with you, be able to call you mine every night like I have done this past month, but I know I can't. I love you so much Francesca, but it's killing me to see you in so much emotional and mental torture. I want you to trust your friends, I want you to be able to talk openly about the woman whom you love and idolized growing up, but before you do that, you need to talk to someone, someone who will help you and deal with everything. I'm breaking up with you because I love and care for you, I want you to get the help you deserve and need. I will be on the other end of a phone call, I'll take you to your appointments if needed, but all I want right now is for you to accept that you need the help... and accept that for now that we're not together like we were. For now Francesca, I'm going to wait however long it takes."

"You'll wait?" I whisper, ignoring the fact that tears are well and truly swarming my cheeks, sniffles and sobs escaping me every so often.

"Of course I will. Please don't hate me for this, it's the last thing I want." He whispers, and I nod slowly, hating that I'm agreeing to this.

"I don't hate you, I don't." I say, swallowing the knot in my throat, well attempting to.

"I love you, baby." He murmurs, and I sob, my body shaking as I realize what he's doing. "I don't want to walk away from you, but I'm going to have to."

"Please, Ethan, please don't leave." I look up to the sky, my tears trickling down my face, no point wiping them now.

As he steps from my embrace, I grab hold of the front of his coat, pulling him back to me and I rise onto my tiptoes, smashing my lips on his. It's brash, messy but he's not pulling away, he's kissing me back. I open my mouth for him, his tongue immediately slipping in and I whimper against his mouth when it runs against my own, needing this to never end. I don't want this to end.

Everything eventually comes to an end though.

"I'm sorry, Francesca. I love you, but I'm doing this because I love you. I told you, you deserve happiness, me being with you isn't helping you achieve it, it's only postponing it." He murmurs, his voice breaking as he wipes his tears, finally stepping out of my embrace, only this time I don't stop him.

"I love you too." I whisper back, it hardly audible from my voice, my heart breaking further than it ever has, watching his back turn to me. "I loved you more than you'll ever know."

~~~~~

A/N

IT'S OVER, I LOVE YOU ALL! I HOPE YOU DON'T HATE ME. I'M CRYING SO DON'T KILL ME.

Personal line to attack me:

I want to thank every single one of you for reading my book, if you're a silent reader or not. I appreciate you so much.

Life update: I feel accomplished, that's all I can say right now as I type this.

Question of the chapter:

Do you hate me?

I hate me for doing this, so yes.

Thank you for reading my book! Please comment your thoughts, vote by pressing the little star, and if you want, you can follow me too. Xx

2701 words!

~B