Happiness – a feeling I usually mask with a smile on my face, and fake until I can't no longer, but around Ethan I've found myself no longer needing to.

One minute in a room with Ethan and he'll make me laugh or smile one way or another. Everything he does surprises me, everyday it's different with him. He makes me feel alive.

There was a moment where I thought I'd never get through it, that I didn't want to.

Coming to college this year and meeting Ethan is the best thing that's happened to me, and I honestly don't know what I'd do without him.

He's saved me countless times.

He's saved me from the panic attacks, the nightmares, the guy at that club, Shawn at the frat house, but most of all, he's saved me from myself.

I am my own worst nightmare, and simply being with him has let me have the break I needed. Without him, I don't know who I'd be right now. I wouldn't be the Francesca we now all know.

I'll be forever grateful for him, and I hope he knows it.

Yesterday was one of the best days I've ever endured – especially lately. Every minute of yesterday, a smile was on my face; I was happy inside and out.

From waking up beside him, teasing and annoying him, the cake testing, shopping and of course it snowing when we were at the Rockefeller Tree – that was the highlight of my day. It was simple yet I loved it; just us together watching the snow fall. I was happy.

In that moment I thought nothing could ruin this time we have together because I truly believed it.

How wrong I could be though.

Today had actually been really fucking good, aside from the nightmare I woke up from. Ethan and I had laid in until around eleven, we then shared a shower before going on a walk around Central Park – it hadn't stopped snowing since it first came down yesterday afternoon, so the park was without question, beautiful.

He nearly persuaded me to go ice-skating with him, they key word being 'nearly'. I stood my ground and kept refusing despite his puppy eyes and pleading face. If one day we do that, it's going to be with my friends because I'm only doing it once. Thankfully he took my answer after the hundredth time of asking, and we got hot chocolate instead. In my opinion, hot chocolate is way better than getting a bruised ass caused by frozen ice.

After a beautiful stroll in the snowy park, we had decided together we didn't want to leave it too late to drive home considering it was almost two PM. With the snow still falling and the traffic, it would just be safe to go earlier. But we made sure to visit at least one museum before we did. And at first it was really interesting; we were at an art museum and some of the artwork was simply beautiful; I was mesmerized and Ethan made sure to take photos – he's being doing that the whole trip – but we both got bored soon enough.

I love art, he respects it, but it was boring, and we were nearly thrown out by security for 'messing around' even though we were simply laughing together.

Happiness.

We had gone back to the hotel where we packed up our things, said an overdramatic goodbye to the room, and then we were on our way home.

This trip to New York was amazing, and I loved every single part of it. There were food, movies, braids, kissing in the snow, number sharing, being asked to be his girlfriend, nail varnish, tons of laughter shared and amazing sights. Ethan being one of them.

The drive home was stressful, it was falling dark and snowing so hard, and my road rage had awoken. What made is worse was that Ethan was amused by it – now I don't exactly blame him, I mean I was having a meltdown over snow. But it pissed me off.

It was six PM once we got into New Jersey, and I felt a sense of peace, comfort, and excitement because this meant Christmas was nearly here. With it being the twenty-second, I just felt amazing, I felt happy. I knew as soon as we got into his apartment, the holiday was really starting.

We were greeted as soon as we walked through the door with Maria enveloping us in her arms. Ethan made no effort to hide his distaste which caused him to be hit up the back of his head by Scar who was passing. Then Ethan got him in a headlock and that's how for the next five minutes, they were attacking each other like kids.

Stevie and Kurt, the actual kids in this apartment, just stared at them before waving me over to them in the kitchen. They had flour all over them, baking gingerbread cookies with Maria. It was the first thing I smelt when I walked through the front door, it made me feel like I was back home again.

Happiness.

Scar, Maria and Felix have welcomed me into their home with open arms and I've never felt this comfortable with parent-type figures. I'm always very awkward, but not with them. The way the act just makes me feel comfortable though, they don't try to put on a façade in front of me, they're simply themselves which I strongly appreciate.

When Ethan had said they do Christmas quite big, I didn't really think about it, but he weren't overreacting. Not Lauren big, but still big. In the very far corner of the open-plan living room, a massive Christmas tree decorated; a vast amount of presents laid underneath. Decorations everywhere, and due to the size of the place, I was shocked by the amount of lights they had hung.

It's homey and it's made me feel better about not actually being at home. Right now, I'm sat in the corner of the sofa my legs draped over Ethan's, Stevie snuggled in between us and Kurt is currently hitting a boxing bag hanging from the ceiling – which is decorated with tinsel. As I've previously said, I love this apartment.

At this point nothing had happened, today was amazing and apart from the little road rage, I had enjoyed every single part of it. But just after we had caught up with Scar and Maria for the last hour over coffee and freshly baked cookies, that's when things turned for the worst – by one single phone call.

My happiness is always short lived. Something always has to happen. It's like the universe doesn't allow me feeling it. I was expecting something but not this.

"Francesca?" Ethan breaks me out of my thoughts. The phone's still ringing off in my hoodie pocket (it's actually Ethan's hoodie) and everyone's staring in my direction, Stevie no longer next to Ethan and I.

"Yeah, um, I need to take this." I just about manage to get out through the knot in my throat, rising to my feet and he grabs my hand, my eyes directing to his.

"Hey, are you okay?" He asks softly, his face full of worry, and so I nod, knowing that my words will deceive me if I try to lie.

I'm not okay, I'm far from okay right now.

"Sorry, I just- I need to get this." I excuse myself breathlessly, not wanting to sound rude as my mind races.

The call finally rings off, but I still flee out of the apartment, anxiety and panic coursing through my body as my feet barely carry me.

I need air, I can't breathe.

My mind is full of possible reasons, it's in overdrive. My own thoughts spiraling with everything from my past, everything brought up as to why I shouldn't ring them back. I don't know if I'm going to. I don't know what I'm doing, but I know I need air and space, I feel trapped to these walls.

My feet and breathing are heavy, them being the only things I can hear whilst I rush through the gym, and it is until I unlock the front door of the gym, the cold winter night air hitting me as soon as I do.

Fresh air fills me, and I inhale sharply, finally getting the chance to catch my breath.

I had totally forgotten about the snow, so I grasp the cuffs of the grey hoodie and wrap my arms around myself, trying to regain some heat, my phone still shakily in my hand. My heart is beating incredibly fast, seeing that name pop up on my screen made my heart stop; my breath going with it.

My phone hasn't rang again, and I should leave it as that. My heart won't settle though, what if something is wrong? I would never forgive myself if I didn't call back and something did happen. They may need me...

Pushing away the feeling of total panic, I click on the number, letting out an uneven and shaky breath, preparing myself.

The obnoxious sound coming from the phone makes me feel like there's a bomb ready to go off. That the dial tone is the countdown. That's how I can only explain what I'm feeling right now.

I'm terrified to face them.

Even though there's snow everywhere, I take a seat on the middle step that lead up to the gym, ignoring the freezing cold wet feeling. I need to sit down for this, my knees brought up to my chest as I watch a silver car drive past. I probably look insane, but I'm hoping with dark night sky, I'm not too visible.

My heart drops when the phone finally connects.

We're both silent, so I take a deep breath, readying myself for this.

You've got this.

"...D- Dad?" I hesitate before finally blurting out the name that flashed upon my screen mere moments ago, minutes that felt like hours ago.

My father rang me. He never rings me, and that's why panic has overcome me like it has. He wouldn't ring me if there weren't a reason, especially not how we left things.

Silence. I'm met with more silence.

Maybe it was an accidental phone call? I never expected him to ring, especially not after blanking my calls and messages for the last three months. I shouldn't have even rang him back.

"Dad?" My voice comes out much more confident, clearer as I call his name the second time. If he doesn't speak now, I'm going to hang up because I don't have much patience left.

"Francesca." His voice, broken and so unfamiliar to me, and it makes my heart drop.

"Is everything okay? Is Emma okay?" I ask immediately with no hesitation about it, her being my main and only worry. The main reason why I rang.

"She's fine, she's... she's good, Frankie." He says, and I let out a breath, my lip quivering knowing she's okay, she's fine as he said. I haven't heard about her since September when I last held her. "I, um, I don't know why I called."

"So, it wasn't a butt dial?" I ask, my tone somewhat harsh. Inside my heart is breaking, there's so much tension between us as we speak and I hate how it is. I know it'll never be back to normal, but I hate that he used to be the person I looked up to.

"No, I rang you. You didn't answer. I thought- I don't know. Um, are you coming home?" He asks, and I frown, a little laughing coming with it as I look at my surroundings, the snow everywhere.

"It's snowing, pretty hard. I also assumed you wouldn't want me home." I whisper, my voice cracking slightly, my wall crumbling.

"Francesca, of course I'd want you home. It's Christmas." He says, and I don't know what to say, leaving us in silence yet again. Did he really expect me to come home just for a holiday, after everything?

"I'm staying with my boyfriend." I tell him, glancing back at the building behind me.

"You've got a boyfriend?" He asks, and I smile to myself. I still can't believe Ethan's my boyfriend.

"Uh... yeah, he's called Ethan." I don't know why I'm telling him, but I'd do anything to fill this awkward silence.

"Does he treat you right?" He asks, and I look up to the sky, not believing this right now. How can someone change like this? He's never given a fuck about my relationships or my business involving them.

"Yeah, yeah, he, um, he's amazing. He's a boxer, he taught me self-defense classes which was an experience, funny though. He's smart, smarter than he lets on. I really like him." I say, smiling as I speak about the man that makes me feel like the old me. The one previous to the incident.

"I'm happy for you Francesca, I'd really like to meet him when you come down next." He says, and I exhale preparing myself for what I'm about to say.

"The last time I saw you, you didn't seem to care if you never saw me again. What changed because the situation certainly didn't?" I ask bluntly, needing to know. I need to know what's changed.

"Your mother-" He starts, the mention of her name twisting the knife in my heard.

"No! You can't start this shit with me again, I can't bear talking about any of it. It's my fault, I get that, you told me that, you repeatedly told me that. So, can you just not for one day, and just not bring it up? I apologized to you over and over again, you saw how sorry I was and you continued to blame me." I tell him, cutting him off before he does exactly that.

"She would have wanted us to celebrate Christmas together." He says with a sigh.

"No, you know what she would have wanted? You, for you to support me when I needed you. Dad, you was once my whole world, and I needed you so much. I was broken; physically, mentally and emotionally, and you made it worse. Mom loved you, but she... she would hate you for treating me the way you did. I can't come home to that house. I can't come back and act like mom never fucking died!" I scream, the words burning my throat and I cover my mouth as a vicious sob escapes me. My whole body is shaking, the reality sinking in. The reality that I've tried so hard to ignore, to push away. The reality I could never accept.

"How dare you?!" His voice changes, now dark and deadly, threatening.

"How dare I?!" I yell, pulling at my hair until it's burning at the roots, tears streaming down my face. So much emotion, so much leaving my body. This wasn't supposed to happen, not with him, not with the man that made it a whole lot worse.

"You can't speak for your mother like that when it was your fault she's not even here!" There it is, my father whom I left in New Haven.

"It was an accident!" I sob, wiping my angry tears. "She loved me, she loved me so much and you deserted me when it wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault dad."

"Then whose fault was it?" He snaps, and I sniffle as my body shakes violently.

"I can't keep doing this. You don't know the half of what I go through." I say through tears, my voice croaky yet I'm still trying to stay confident.

"Enlighten me." He mutters heartlessly.

"I'm not coming back home." I tell him, deciding not to give him the satisfaction of how I've suffered over the last five months.

"For Christmas? Well, I figured." He says, and I already know that he's rolling his eyes right now.

"No, I mean I'm not coming back home. I'm going to stay here after college." I finally reveal the something I've been thinking about for a while now, before I even met Ethan.

"That's stupid Frankie, you know that you won't be able to." He says with a dry laugh, and I choke back my sobs, hating how he thinks so little of me.

"I will – I've been working. I'm saving up. I've done everything myself to get where I am today. I'm going to be fine on my own after this too." I say with a façade of total fake confidence.

"When was the last time you checked those savings?" He asks me in a sinister tone, and my heart drops to the floor.

"What- What did you do?" I blurt out, my hands beginning to shake yet again.

"That medical bill of yours came in Francesca. I'd rethink your plans." He says, and I sob, dropping the phone to the snow-covered ground, bringing both hands to my face.

This can't be happening.

He can't do this to me. He can because he has.

All the emotion I've kept away, pushed down has surfaced, and as I pull my knees up to my chest, a broken scream escapes me when I sob harder.

I need my mom.

Minutes have past, me getting wetter, colder and overall worse. I know if I stay here I'm going to get ill, so I stand, grabbing my phone from the ground as my body shakes with emotion, anger, sadness and grief. I press the end call button since he hadn't already before taking Ethan's keys from my back pocket, heading towards his car.

I need to be alone, and I know I can't do that here.

I need a distraction.

~~~~~

A/N

I'm sorry about the cliffhanger, the next chapter is in Ethan's POV and I'm NOT ready for this.

I did warn you to faster your seatbelts, well keep them buckled because it's only just starting.

I love you all, please don't kill me, kill Paul, Francesca's dad.

Life update: I'm tired, cold and ready for bed but I'm going to try write a little bit of Ethan's POV because I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep until I do.

Question of the chapter:

Have you ever cried at a book, and if so which one?

MANY! Recently though, this book, Duplicity and Stall.

I hope this chapter was okay!

Buckle your seatbelt, only seven chapters left!

Thank you for reading! Please comment your thoughts, vote by pressing the little star, and if you want, you can follow me too. Xx

3181 words!

~B