After we spent a good hour walking around Central Park, talking for the most part but some in comfortable silence, we made our way back to the car because it was falling colder, darker and we were both getting tired. Then I drove us to the 'secret' hotel location and surprisingly I didn't catch on straight away, but when it finally clicked, I didn't believe it but the smile of Ethan's face said otherwise.

"The Plaza, are you serious?!" I somewhat screech, and his warm laughter fills my ears. "Ethan!"

"What? We're staying in New York; did you think we wouldn't?" He asks.

"Yes, yes I did because it's so expensive and I'm a poor bitch! What, why, how- what?" I blurt out, I can't even talk right now.

We're staying in the mother fucking Plaza.

"I got it covered, Scar helped." He says, but I need more information.

"Ethan." I exhale slowly, trying to keep my eyes on the road. "You can't just throw a massive thing like The Plaza in my face."

"You deserve it after everything you've gone through lately, and I think we deserve it, it is my first Christmas." He pouts at me, knowing that I can't resist that face, but I keep my expression straight. It's hard because I am beaming with glee inside, loving how he's organized this and thought of me. It's stirring things inside me again, feelings. "Okay, please don't hate me, the money really isn't a problem. I guess we haven't really spoke about my earnings, especially how I can pay for this car."

"You don't have to, it's none of my business." I say, truly believing that because it's not, and it doesn't bother me.

"I'm going to because it's a massive part of my life, but boxing pays a lot. Some fights I could be paid a few hundred, most just over a thousand dollars, and some four thousand, it really depends. I try to donate a little, pay Scar and Maria for everything, but I still have a sum of a lot of money left because last year I used to fight every other week, but now I've slowed down to really focus on college." He tells me wearily, and I smile over at him.

"That's amazing, you should be proud of yourself." I say, and he frowns at me, looking taken back.

"Pardon?" He asks.

"You're doing something you love and getting paid amazingly for it. And I'm proud that you're doing college as well." I say, briefly looking over at him and he looks so confused.

"I thought you'd be pissed at me." He says, and I'm now the one to be confused.

"Why?" I have to laugh just a little.

"Because most people are pissed when they find out I get paid so much for a useless kind of sport – that's why I try to donate as much as I can. I mean, it does help for my future and everything." He shrugs, and I frown off into the distance.

"You do realize those people are just a little bit jealous. I mean, I get it, it is a lot for fighting someone, but if you're good at it, why shouldn't you be paid for your talent?" I say, and he hums nodding slightly.

"So, you're not mad?" He checks.

"No, of course not." I say with a smile, keeping my eyes on the road. "Maybe about the Plaza thing though, like seriously, I don't want you spending your money on me."

"It's for us both, and it's Christmas. I wanted this weekend to be perfect." He says, and I swear my heart may as well be melted.

"What did Scar have to do with it?" I ask.

"Oh, well his friend works here, and I knew that so I asked for his number, and pulled some strings because you could probably guess that there wouldn't be any rooms available around Christmas, but a wedding was canceled, so-" He was explaining, but I needed to cut him off.

"You are not telling me we're staying in a honeymoon suite, Ethan please tells me you're lying." I say, and he grabs my hand that I was currently flying around everywhere, and he intertwines our fingers.

"It wasn't extremely expensive because it was literally cancelled at last minute, so we have that for two nights." He says, and I know I shouldn't just drop it like that but I am going to because I'm incredibly appreciative.

"Thank you so much, it really means a lot to me that you've done this." I say and he squeezes my hand slightly before reaching over to the radio, turning it on and I smile when coincidently 'Fairytale Of New York' comes on by The Pogues. "Okay, turn this up, this is my favorite Christmas song, and you'll soon catch the lyrics."

He just smiles over at me, and I raise my brow at him as the lyrics start.

As a little girl my mom and dad used to sing this together – in the car, the living room, whenever it was on, they would sing to it, and the thought of them together like that breaks me because it's not like that anymore. To see them that happy, singing this again, that would be a dream come true.

"You were handsome. You were pretty. Queen of New York City. When the band finished playing, they howled out for more. Sinatra was swinging. All the drunks they were singing. We kissed on a corner, then danced through the night. The boys of the NYPD choir were singing Galway Bay. And the bells were ringing out for Christmas day" I hum lowly, pushing down the knot in my throat.

~~

You see, earlier when we were listening to music, I was okay and settled on the whole staying in The Plaza thing, but now that we're literally in the beautiful building, I can't believe I'm stood here. I know I may be a tad overdramatic, but I'm not used to this at all. All the hotels I've ever stayed in were two-star ones or motels because they're cheap, but this so different.

The sign-in was quite quick considering where we are and what time of year it is, and we even got seen to our suite – I felt weird, but also like a princess. It was weird. I felt... special. Weird, I know.

My heart literally dropped walking in next to Ethan, to a beautiful light grey themed suite with a massive bed, a sofa with a television and massive windows looking over the city that never sleeps. This is where we're staying for the next two nights, and I believe we'll never be out of this room.

Ethan quickly tipped the guy even though we didn't really need him but nonetheless he tipped him, and then the door was shut behind us. We're alone.

"Woah." I'm barely even audible as I walk into the room, I'm scared to touch anything because I don't want to ruin or break it.

"I didn't expect this." He murmurs, and I look back to see him in awe kind of.

I walk towards the coffee table, sitting on the white sofa as I take the letter left there, addressed to 'Mr Kane'. I don't mean to roll my eyes at the name because it is his name, but I can't help it, it's a habit. I don't hate his name, I don't even dislike his name, I actually think it's kind of cool, however I just don't like that growing up he was addressed as Kane by his carers, it rubs me the wrong way that he's still known by it because I love his name, Ethan so much.

"Kane, you have a letter." I muse, holding it up and he chuckles, taking it from me.

I then direct my attention to the other things, the more important things. There's a card game that we're so playing later, but I have a feeling from the cover alone it's some kind of sex thing. Some chocolates, a champagne bottle with flutes, and a bowl full of rose petals – that's kind of sweet actually.

"You know, it's weird you calling me Kane." He mutters, and I look up at him to see him smile back. "It sounds wrong coming from you."

"Aren't you used to being called it though?" I ask.

"Not by you, and I guess I've grown to actually like 'Ethan'." He smiles, and I'm glad because he suits it.

"I guess it's like if you were to call me Frankie or Fran, it would sound foreign coming from you." I say and he chuckles, nodding before he frowns down at my hands. I follow his vision, and I smile raising the playing cards to his eyesight so he can check them out. "These look like fun."

"What even are they?" He checks the back, and I smile as he reads it. "Are these like sex charades?"

"I don't know honestly, but hey, it could be a laugh." I shrug and he bends his body over the sofa, pressing his lips against mine. I didn't expect the kiss, it was a sweet gesture and I love when he randomly does this because I never expect it.

"I want a shower, do... do you want to join me?" He asks pulling back, his voice hesitant and unsure.

"Yeah, I'd like that." I nod slowly, a small smile coming to my face.

"I know we just got here, but I thought that we could shower, get into bed, watch a movie and order room service because we've had a long day." He says, explaining more to me and I take his hand, getting up.

"You don't have to assure me of everything." I say, and he doesn't exactly look convinced. "I'm fine."

He thankfully leaves it at that because I don't really leave him any choice in the matter since I wonder off, stalking towards what I'm guessing is the bathroom.

"Francesca?" He calls out, and I smile behind me just as I turn on the light, and I gasp when I turn around, my jaw dropping when I do.

There's not only a shower in here which is without question the biggest shower I've ever seen with my own two eyes, there's also a tub with jets. The room is massive, overhead lights illuminating the place.

"Woah." He murmurs behind me, and I smile as his wraps around my waist.

"This shower big enough for you ego?" I tease, and he groans, dipping his head into my neck.

"Eh, it'll have to do." He shrugs, and I laugh as he pulls away from me.

Kicking off my shoes, I feel somewhat nervous to be in the shower with Ethan, not scared just apprehensive. We've shared many showers together since that night, but they've always been when I'm breaking down, but now I'm fully aware of our naked bodies not like before.

"Ethan?" I grab his attention whilst he's in the shower, turning it on and I'm not surprised that his jeans are wet when he steps out.

"You okay?" He asks, and I nod slowly.

"Um, when we take showers together, do you, um, do you look at me?" I ask and he frowns in confusion. "Sexually?"

"No." He immediately says, and for some reason my heart drops.

"Do you not find me attractive?" I don't know why I ask this but apparently the insecure part of me wanted to know.

"No baby, that's not it, I find you so attractive, so attractive, but I don't want to take the time where you're crying or vulnerable to look at you like that. You're the most beautiful girl to me, seriously Francesca, it's not that I don't want to look at you, I just don't when you're like that." He says, and I smile at him.

"I appreciate that, thank you." I say, tucking my hair behind my ear.

"Do you, do you not want to do this?" He asks, and I bite down on my lip shaking my head.

"No, I'm okay. Is it warm?" I ask, gesturing to the shower.

"Yeah, it should be now, fucking freezing when it got me though." He mutters, rolling his eyes. He's such a drama queen, I swear.

I giggle at the new nickname I've made up in my head.

He really is a drama queen.

"What has you all smiley?" He asks, throwing his t-shirt at me and my cheeks flame up, great, well done Francesca.

"Nothing, just keep stripping." I say, instantly regretting those words and he smirks at me. "Don't, just don't start."

He laughs, and I smile shyly before taking my sweater off over my head. He quickly continues his strip before he walks into the shower, leaving the black glass door open slightly, leaving me to some privacy which I appreciate. It's not that I'm not comfortable to undress in front of him because I am, but I think he can sense my nerves right now.

I think back to two weeks ago when I walked into the shower at the gym effortlessly, only with a little nerves but now I'm the opposite.

It's just a shower. Just a shower with someone whom I trust massively.

I grab the handle, opening it and I bite my lip when I see Ethan standing under the water, his head tilted back slightly as water runs its way down his body. My body is frozen as I take him in, it's the first time I've really looked at him like this, even before that night, and it has me squeezing my thighs together.

"Are you done staring?" He breaks me out of my – as he said – staring.

"Sorry." I whisper, stepping in, letting the door shut behind me.

"Don't be, just come here." He smiles at me, holding out his hand and I gladly take it, covering my chest slightly with my spare arm. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good. Just feeling a little bit weird because we've not done this, usually I'm not thinking straight, so I don't have time to overthink it. I'm just a little nervous, like this is the first time I've ever been naked in front of you which isn't at all the case." I explain in a ramble.

"I'm not looking at you right now, my eyes are on yours. If you don't want me to look at you, I promise I won't, I respect that." He says, and I nibble on my lip.

"I don't not want you to, I do... I just want things to be normal." I whisper, and he cups my jaw, the water dripping from his hand to my neck making me shiver slightly.

"It will be eventually." He assures.

"Thank you for everything." I say, and he smiles down at me.

"Now, come here, get under the water, you're looking awfully dry." He says, taking my hand and I giggle when in one swift motion, his arms are wrapped around my waist, and the water from overhead consumes me. It's hotter than I realize, but it's not burning hot, actually it's quite soothing. "Much better."

"How do you do that?" I ask, wiping the water from my face, only for him to look confused at the question. "You can distract me so easily and put my mind at ease."

"I don't like when you're in your head, so I simply don't let you." He says with a chuckle. "Now, turn around, I'm doing your hair."

"The last time you did my hair, it got all knotty." I whine, and he simply laughs as he spins me by my waist so my back is to him.

"I'll brush it then." He says, and I look back with a dead serious impression, and he raises his hands up in defense. "Okay, you can brush it, I'll try and braid it."

"Only if I can braid your hair." I bargain because even know he's got quite short hair, I know I could do a little one with the hair left on top since he's got the back and sides are shaved.

"Okay, you've got yourself a deal, then we're doing nails." He says and I smile, my cheeks slightly hurting from how happy I am.

With some hit and misses with the shampoo in my eyes, he actually did my hair better this time with no massive knots formed, but I refused to let him condition it – he realized as soon as I took the bottle, why exactly he couldn't because I emptied most of it on my hand just for the bottom of my hair. It may seem excessive but I have the dullest hair ever, and conditioner adds some texture and shine to it, I only leave my roots because that makes my hair become greasy faster.

"Are you sure you have enough?" He asks with a laugh, sarcasm in his tone.

"Nope, but it'll do." I muse, closing my eyes as I run my fingers through my hair with the water.

"You look beautiful, you know that?" He murmurs, and I smile shyly, peeping my eyes open at the compliment. He's still looking at my face, his eyes on mine as he smiles at me. He's not looking at my body, like he promised he wouldn't and warmth flares in my chest, knowing it. "Francesca... be my girlfriend."

What?! I certainly didn't expect that to come out of his mouth, not right now.

Um, how do I answer this without my stupid mouth ruining it? Of course I want to be his girlfriend, I've wanted that from the very start, but I know my mind and mouth do not correlate in these moments.

"You don't have to, I just, I don't know, should I not have asked? Is it too soon, you're not saying anything, so I'm guessing it is, right?" He's vulnerable right now, causing the rambling.

"No, no it's not too soon, I just didn't expect it. Of course I will." I say, stepping forward, grasping his face and he lowers his forehead against mine with a heavy happy sigh.

"So, you'll be my girlfriend?" He whispers.

"Yeah, of course. I'd love to be your girlfriend." I say, and he looks so relieved.

"I wanted to ask you at a better time-" He starts but I give him a look that soon shuts him up.

"You could have asked me whilst I was eating McDonald's and it would be perfect because that would mean I was yours." I say, and he chuckles, raising a brow.

"I don't know if you already know this, but you've always been mine. From the moment you literally crashed into me, you were mine." He says his voice low and intimidating, and I gulp back the knot in my throat before doing something I've wanted to do since I first saw him in here, I crash my lips on his.

Ethan nibbles down on my lip making me gasp in return, and he slips his tongue in my mouth, running it over mine and I suck gently on it, earning a groan from him and I whine at the feeling between my legs he causes when he does.

It's too early, it's only eleven days since that night.

I ignore my thoughts, the thoughts that have me questioning every single I've done since that night, the thoughts that are simply my worse enemy. I ignore them because I know that I trust Ethan, I trust my boyfriend.

"Hey, hey." He murmurs, pulling away breathlessly, smiling at me quickly. "Can I do something with you, but only if you want."

"Just tell me and I'll be honestly." I say, feeling curious as to what he's thinking of.

"I don't want us to have sex until you're ready, and I don't know when that'll be and there's literally no rush for you either. But I'd like to pleasure you somehow." He says wearily, and I raise my brows as I look up at him. "I was wondering if you'd let me use the showerhead."

"Seriously?" I blurt, my cheeks heating up.

"Am I overstepping? Tell me to fuck off if I am." He rushes out.

"No, no you're not. I just didn't expect it." I say.

"Do you not think you'll like it?" He asks, his brows furrowed. Oh babe, you have no idea.

"Um, I just... I've done that alone, so I'm not exactly opposed to it, but I don't know it it'd be weird since you're here. I want you to be pleasured too." I say, my brows following his actions as they screw together as I look up at him, the water beating down on my shoulder blade.

"That's what you're worried about?" He asks with a smile.

"Well yeah, you've gone without sex for nearly two weeks." I point out as if I was saying two years, and he chuckles shaking his head at me. "You're the horniest man I've ever come across."

"Hey, I have some self control!" He laughs, and I roll my eyes as a giggle escapes me. "Is it too early?"

"We can try, I know you'll stop when I ask you to, so I'm okay with that. Just turn the heat down a little bit, I don't exactly want to be scolded." I say, and he cups my face, looking serious for a second.

"I'll stop as soon as you say or even if you seem off, I promise." He says and I nod, knowing that. From the beginning he's been quite on-top of communication as well as consent, I remember before the first time we slept together, he had asked me more than three times to see if I was one-hundred percent sure.

I reach onto my tiptoes, pressing my lips against his, grasping the back of his neck, pulling him down to my height as I settle my feet back down on the wet flooring. The water hitting me turns cooler, still very warm but less burning hot, and he briefly pulls away to look up and grab the showerhead.

"You're sure about this?" He checks.

"Yeah." I nod, taking this step. One small step in front of the other, and this is where we'll begin.

With his spare hand, he runs his fingers through my hair, holding the back of my neck before he kisses me softly, taking this slow. He rises the showerhead up my inner legs to my thighs, and I sigh breathlessly more from the anticipation than anything. Our small kiss turns more passionate when I open my mouth for him and he slips his tongue in, running it against mine. I gasp when the water hits my core, the pressure more powerful than I originally imagined it would be, and he slightly pulls his face back to check with me and I wordlessly nod.

"I'm okay." I whisper, knowing he'll ask for a verbal response, so I beat him to the chase.

The water pressure hitting my clit is a different and strange sensation. All the times I've attempted to get myself off using this method, I've given up because I find it difficult, but the pressure from this particular shower head is actually good - surprisingly good. It's causing pleasure and I have to hold onto Ethan's shoulder to compose my balance.

His lips are back on mine as soon as he realizes that it is in fact working, and I'm not freaking out. Until now I've not even thought about it, and I'm kind of proud of myself.

Trust is a massive part of this, and I trust him massively. More than I probably should, but I still do because he's my Ethan. He's my boyfriend.

"Ethan." I say, my lips part against his, and he rests his forehead against mine, looking down in my eyes.

"Is this okay?" He asks softly, and I nod, my eyes fluttering close. "You look so beautiful, and I'd do anything to make everything go away, so I could touch you like I used to, pleasure you like before."

"I want that too, I want to-" I gasp sharply, a moan following as the stir in my lower belly tighten, and he runs his hand down my back, keeping me steady. "I want to touch you, and it all be normal."

"It will be, just small steps, we've got all the time." He presses his lips against my forehead, and I whimper in return, grasping onto his shoulder when another wave of pleasure falls over me.

"Can I touch you?" I whisper, earning to feel him, take this step forward with him despite him not physically touching me.

"You're sure?" He asks, seeming a little taken back and I nod, a shy smile coming to my lips.

Looking down for the first time, I see the showerhead between my thighs, but I also see his body again, and I reach my hand out to his chest, slowly and gently running it down his abs, and he exhales deeply when my hands wrap around his shaft.

"Fuck, Francesca." He tilts his head back, and I bite down on my lip as I tighten my hold, moving my hand down the base of him.

His jaw clenches slightly and he quickly lowers his eyes, cupping my face before brushing his lips against mine in a hastily state. With his left leg, he pushes my thighs apart, slipping his knee between them and I moan when my heat comes into contact with his leg.

"I won't touch you, but use my body how you can." He grits out in a husky tone, and I roll my head back, it only just hitting the tile wall, the feeling of the powerful water hitting my clit and my core rubbing against his leg, causing some friction that's making me a whining mess. "Fuck, you feel good."

His lips find my neck, sucking and nibbling behind my ear, following a trail of them to my collar bone, leaving his mark, but I'm so inside my own head, I can't concentrate on that as well as focusing on breathing somewhat normally and my attention on him. His groans and slight moans fill my ears ever so often when I tighten my grasp on him, teasing the tip of him over and over again, continuing to roll my hand up and down his shaft.

"Ethan, I-" I have no words, my brain isn't exactly working with me right now. I don't even know what I was going to say, but I can't have been that important.

"Keep going, please." He sinks his head into the crook of my neck and I chuckle at his slight begging, it's sweet to hear really.

If you were to tell me a month ago that I would be even speaking to Ethan never mind riding his leg like I am doing, I would have laughed in your face or cried a little, maybe both. But here I am, here we are in this shower together, and I am in fact riding his leg. Logically it sounds weird, but the pleasure I'm feeling is overriding any thoughts to overthink this.

We're both receiving pleasure, I definitely am and he's not even touched me, not like he used to, he's respecting boundaries that I haven't even set in place, and I couldn't be more grateful.

One step in front of the other.

My hips are moving, grinding in a circular motion, my clit brushing against his leg and I'm a moaning mess, driving myself towards the orgasm he created. The showerhead is still torturously close on my clit, it only making my senses going into overload, and my hand tightens around his length as I get closer to edge, his facial features washing with pleasure.

"Fuck." He curses, crashing his lips on mine and I moan against them, my mouth soon falling agape, and I'm grabbing onto his shoulder as my orgasm falls over me, releasing him from my hand when I do.

"Ethan." His name is barely audible leaving my lips, my eyes flickering shut as my head rolls back.

It's not like before – this time my climax ruptures through me in waves, like it's never ending as pleasure overwhelms me, from head to toe. If it wasn't for Ethan's knee between my thighs and his arm around my waist, I wouldn't still be standing.

"You, okay?" He asks with a breathy chuckle, and all I can do is nod, my head fuzzy and light whilst he reaches above us, putting the showerhead back in its place.

Even in my dazed state, my only thought is of him finishing also, so as soon as I've regained some composure, I drop my right hand from his shoulder and wrap my hand around his length once again, his jaw slackening when I do.

"I'm so close, baby" He husks out, crashing his lips on mine.

He nibbles on my bottom lip, teasing me and I smile against his lips, loving this playful behavior coming from him. His tongue slips in my mouth again, massaging his tongue over mine and I moan at the pleasurable feeling, his breathing getting harder and he twitches in my hand.

"Hey, do you want-" He begins.

"Cum on me." I whisper, cutting him off before he starts rambling about what to do because I already knew he was going to.

He looks fairly taken back, but doesn't question me as he reaches down between us, grabbing his length in his hand, and I watch has he quickly finishes himself off, the spurts of his cum landing on my bare stomach. His lips are back on mine, and I smile against them whilst he walks under the running shower, the water nice and warm hitting my cool shoulders.

"You're an amazing girlfriend." He murmurs.

"You're a better boyfriend." I sigh with a smile, remembering that we are in fact in an official relationship now.

"Here, let me wash you down." He grabs the showerhead again, his face never dropping that cheeky smile. I love seeing him happy like this, like nothing else matters but us in this moment.

"Do you think they'll charge us more for the water bill?" I joke, and he bursts out laughing only to quickly shake his head.

Ethan turns the heat up for the water, it feeling nice on my skin especially when he turns me around and washes my back for me with the coconut shower-gel. I always use coconut or vanilla because I hate fruity smells, and tea-tree causes me to panic and freak out – I'm unsure why, it just does.

Once he's happy that I'm clean enough – him dragging out the whole process way longer than initial needed, not that I minded – he grabs a large white towel from the towel heater, wrapping it around my whole body before he grabs the other for himself.

"There's robes in the closet, we'll get dry, put those on and we can do our nails." He says and I smile at the plan.

That's exactly what we did. I dried my body off quickly – the quickest I've ever done because usually I sit around in one and do my makeup before anything – and put on the robe which is way too big on me, but comfortable nonetheless. And that's where we are now, and I'm walking over to the king size bed which Ethan is lying happily like a starfish on.

"You look happy." I point out, dropping the bottles of nail varnish on the bed as well as the remover and pads that I need to remove the nails that I already have.

"Because I am – I'm with you." He reaches out, taking my hand, intertwining our fingers.

"So am I, thank you for helping me take that step, I really appreciate it." I say, climbing onto the bed next to him.

"Don't thank me for pleasure." He says, showing no rush to move from his laid out position.

"I'm not, well, I mean it was pretty amazing, so I guess I kind of am. But I'm thanking you for helping me, for being there and taking that step with me. I couldn't do any of this without you." I say, looking down at him and he reaches his hand up to cup my jaw.

"You're stronger than you think." He murmurs, and I nod, slightly agreeing with him. I sometimes feel strong, but in then the next moment I could feel the weakest I've ever felt and I hate feeling weak, even though a sign of weakness is also a strength. "What we did, it wasn't too much, was it?"

"Um, no, no I don't think so." I say, grabbing the bottle of nail varnish remover, I need a distraction if I'm going to tell him this. "I've been really lost about this whole situation, and I thought there were a right answer out there for me. There isn't one apparently, but knowing that, I guess I feel better about it now."

"I need some context baby." He murmurs, leaning onto his side, a little bit of his robe open at the top.

"Sex." I say cautiously, and he looks up at me, looking a little confused probably by what I previously had said, so before he can question it, I continue, starting to take my nail varnish off. "I, um, I was confused about how I was feeling. Everything has been slowly getting back to normal, if whatever my life is normal, but the only thing that hasn't was our sex life which is expected. I don't want to not have sex because I want things to be normal, I want to because I feel ready. I was judging myself for that for a while. I was trying to find an answer, what the right time was to feel ready."

"There's no answer baby, it's when your personally ready." He says, telling me what I later found out online.

"I wish I'd spoken to you about it because well, I was searching for the answer for a while, only to find that exact one." I say and he cups my face with his hands, looking quite concerned for me which I find adorable, he looks like a worried puppy.

"You don't have to feel this pressure, you don't need to research these things. When you're ready for us to do more, you'll know." He murmurs softly.

"That's the thing, I am ready and that's why I was researching it. I've been judging myself because of that. I don't know why I feel ready this soon, but my only guess is that it's because I trust you. I've always felt comfortable with you, and after doing that in the shower, I know I was right." I finally tell him what I've been keeping from him, what I've been thinking about lately. He looks fairly surprised, not shocked or anything, he looks... proud?

"That's good, that's really good Francesca." He tells me with a smile, and my body fills with relief.

"It's only been eleven days, and I personally judge myself for feeling like this." I say, and he frowns shaking his head.

"Don't, please don't. You're a human being, there's no rule book for this. No one can judge you, no one can tell you what is right and wrong. You are the only person, not me, not your friends, not the fucking internet, just you who can tell you when you're ready." He says making me smile.

"For the first few days after that night, I couldn't even think about it. Anything sexual just made my skin crawl quite honestly. But then one morning, I woke up and you was asleep, and for some reason I was getting turned on which made me cry. I hated myself for feeling like that." I start.

"Baby." He sighs.

"I know, but I'm fine. I'm okay now. I just, I want to get this out." I say and he nods, urging me to go on, so I do, working on taking the paint of the other nails. "What happened that night wasn't a sexual act, to him maybe, but not to me. That night I was terrified and what did happen was uncomfortable. It was forced, and even though his intentions were very clear, it wasn't sex, it wasn't a sexual act. A sexual act is supposed to be pleasurable, nice and consensual. When I think of sex I think of two people enjoying themselves, and it was nothing like that. When we have sex, I love it, I enjoy it and that's all I hope it will ever be. I don't want to link what happened to me that night, to sex, even though it technically is. I know it may sound stupid."

"It isn't stupid, I promise, it's not stupid." He assures me.

"I feel stupid trying to explain my feelings because I've never really done that." I say, putting down the nail varnish remover on the bedside table so it doesn't spill, and he smiles at me softly. I know I'm distracting myself right now, but honestly it's my only way of talking because I've not done this in the past – it's tricky for me to be vulnerable.

"You're doing better than you think." He says.

"I want to get past that night, I know I won't forget it because I won't ever, but I'd like to move past it or try to at least. I've done so good, getting out and doing things, pushing through my fears. I know it's expected for me not to want to do it, especially considering. We've got all the time in the world to have sex, and I'm not saying I want us to have sex right this second, but I just want you aware of how I'm feeling. I know I'm ready now, and I don't want to wait because I feel dirty, or wrong because it's too early. I may be nervous of how I'll act because even though we just did that in there, I am unsure of how I'll act when we do have sex, but I'm not nervous or scared to be with you. You don't understand how much I trust you." I say, and in one swift movement, he's pulling me to lay on top of him.

"I have a little idea." He says and I smile down at him, lying my chin on his chest. "I'm proud of you, you know. You're like the strongest human I've ever come across."

"I don't feel it most of the time." I tell him.

"Showing your emotions, talking about this is proving how strong you are. Even at your lowest, you're also strong because you're pushing through it." He says, and I smile at him shyly.

"This is what I mean when I said I trust you - not just trust as in I trust you with my whole life, I mean trust as in I can lay with you here and really feel safe." I further explain.

"I trust you too, I've never been this vulnerable around someone, and I've never really been me." He murmurs, hesitating slightly before continuing. "You're literally the only person apart from Felix, Scar and Maria, who knows about my life. No one else knows I was adopted. No one, and I really mean no one – not even them – know about my life before they met me, especially what happened in those homes - and I know I haven't told you everything, but I'm working on it. I'm trying but this is all so new. I've always kept up a façade – I don't take no shit, I used to sleep around and I started endless fights. But... I don't know, I just don't like that person anymore. I'm not going to start gushing about my life to everyone, I won't be able to do that. I can't. I'll never change my attitude because people do piss me off, but I'm fed up with the teenage behavior I used to have."

"I like this person." I tell him, tracing my index fingertip over the little bit of his chest that's showing through the robe. "I appreciate you more than you know."

"The feeling is mutual." He says and I smile at him.

"Can I do your nails now?" I whisper, perking up.

"You need to continue taking yours off, but yes. I'm going to order us room service too." He says, and I smile, getting up from him and grabbing the remover from the bedside table along with another pad.

Whilst Ethan ordered us room service which I'm sure will cost a bomb, but he shrugged it off like it was nothing, I took off the remainder of the nail vanish. It took longer than it had to be because he kept distracting me by either shoving his feet near my face, or throwing clothes at me. He insisted we had to unpack which I find a waste of time considering we're here for only two nights, but he didn't agree..

When we were shopping earlier, Ethan picked out the black nail varnish whereas I picked red, white and a neutral pinky color.

Now we're sat on top of the bed sheets, Home Alone 2 is starting in the background which he surprisingly brought the DVD of in his bag with us, and I'm starting to paint his nails. I'm doing his first because I'm not ruining my own to do his, no way.

"So, all black aside from your left pinky that you want red?" I ask, and he nods, smiling at me. "And I'm having the baby blue I had before, with white on my right pinky?"

"Yeah, like you don't have to though." He shrugs and I silently scold him with my eyes for moving, holding onto his thumb. "I won't move again, sorry."

"You better not, or I'll purposely ruin them." I say, hiding my smile as I nibble on my lip to concentrate.

He wanted that when we wrapped our pinky's together in a promise, that they'd stand out from the main colors and when he suggested that, he was all shy and unsure. I want him to be himself, do what he wants to do without thinking about the opinions of anyone else.

"Wait, you're actually good at this." He mutters, staring down at his nails and I scoff dramatically.

"How dare you? I'm honestly offended." I say and he smiles up at me, not at all apologetically. "But seriously, do they look okay for you?"

"Yeah, they're great, thank you." He whispers the last bit, making me smile as I continue to paint his nails, leaving his pinky out as he asked.

As soon as I was about to start my nails, there was a knock at the door, and since Ethan's nails were still drying, I had to go open it for the room service. To say I was nervous would be an understatement especially since I was literally wearing a robe and nothing else, but knowing Ethan was literally right there behind me, I was okay, and the guy was soon on his way once our food was put on the table.

Ethan and I had a meat lovers pizza to share, some fries, a large salad, and a tub of Ben & Jerry's ice cream for desert. Overall it was perfect and we hardly left anything before getting back on the bed, opening the tub of ice cream and I started my nails whilst we continued to watch Home Alone 2 that we had paused earlier.

Now we're lying in bed, I'm basically laid on him as we watch the part where Kevin is at the Rockefeller Tree, and usually it doesn't make me cry but this time it does, maybe because the speech hits closer to home than I'd prefer.

"I know I don't deserve a Christmas, even if I did do a good deed. I don't want any presents. Instead, I want to take back every mean thing I ever said to my family. Even if they don't take back the things they said to me. I don't care. I love all of them... Including Buzz. I know it isn't possible to see them all. Could I just see my mother? I'll never want another thing as long as I live if I can just see my mother. I know I won't see her tonight, but promise me I can see her again. Sometime. Any time. Even if it's just once and only for a couple minutes. I just need to tell her I'm sorry." Kevin's words make me cry, it never has before but I'm a sniffling mess beside Ethan, and his arm is wrapped around my waist a little tighter, comforting me.

"Don't cry." He hushes me.

"I can't help it." I say, my voice croaky and very unattractive. Why is Ethan my boyfriend again?

"It's only fictional, baby." He murmurs.

For some, yes, only that spoke louder to me and it hit me right where it hurt the most.

~~~~~

A/N

Longest chapter yet!

Things are official final between the two of them after thirty chapters, but don't get too comfortable...

Also, this is the last smut chapter despite it being very much nothing, but to them it was considering what's happened lately. You will understand why soon. Originally, I wanted more smut in this book but it turned out there is only four scenes, but it does fit the book I think and I didn't want to overdo it.

Them doing nails together is my favorite thing, and I've wanted to write this in from the beginning, honestly I just loved this whole chapter. It's one of my favorite ones so far, and I say that all the fucking time, but I really mean it this time.

Life update: So, around two months ago or something, my hearing aid's STOPPED working, and I replaced the batteries around four times. I got a hospital appointment but of course, the night before I test them with a new pack of batteries and they both worked. So, for the last two months, I've not being able to hear properly because this knob didn't try another pack.

Question of the chapter:

How many kids do you want if you want them that is?

It depends – if my first child is a boy, I'll leave it as that. But if it's a girl, I'll go on to have second child. I don't want to risk the chances with two boys, okay? They're a handful!

I hope this chapter was okay!

Buckle your seatbelt, only nine chapters left!

Thank you for reading! Please comment your thoughts, vote by pressing the little star, and if you want, you can follow me too. Xx

7834 words!

~B