Eleven days. That's how long it has been since the night out. The days following that night was weird, I went through random bursts of emotion where I couldn't stop crying and was inconsolable, and Ethan would have to get in the shower with me to calm me down.

Then I became a little numb and acted like nothing at all had happened, went to my first lecture and broke down – Matt came to my rescue with that one. I've never felt as weak as I have in these past eleven days in my whole life.

But with finals week, that surprisingly helped. I put a lot of pressure on myself especially when it comes to grades and work, so I was dreading them. I felt totally unprepared even though I knew what I was doing, but having the friends I do, they put my mind at ease by helping me study at last minute. And I had nothing to worry about, I think I've done good, I certainly hope so. I couldn't have done it without them or Ethan though.

Mentally I've been... okay; paranoid mostly, nervous and anxious, brief depressive moments, but nothing more. My nightmares started again – the ones about the incident - the night after the first, only this time they were much worse and every night since, I've woken up screaming and Ethan has had to console me and calm me down. They've never been this bad, and that's been taking a toll of my mental health more than anything else.

Ethan has been a massive help, study wise and just in general. I'm somewhat back to normal, I'm still very paranoid being outside, but I went to the mall yesterday with everyone, holding his hand the whole time, and I felt okay.

It's now Friday, I've just walked out of my last final, and this semester is finally over, and I couldn't be happier.

"So, how was it?" Ethan says, leaning against the wall opposite the door I've just walked out of. He looks a lot different these days; his style still the same, but his stubble is no longer light on his jaw, it's becoming fuller into an actual beard and I can't say I hate it.

"Good, I think. I don't know, but I'm happy with how it went." I say and he smiles, wrapping his arms around my small frame.

"I'm proud of you. Now you can finally relax." He mutters, kissing the top of my head, faking the annoyed tone, and I look up at him. "Are you ready for New York?"

Oh, New York. My high school best friend, Abby asked if I wanted to meet up with her for a catch up before she goes home for the holidays, and with everything that had happened, I was going to decline but I haven't seen her since July. I didn't reply straight away because I knew if I did go, I couldn't go alone like I used to, but thankfully Ethan accepted the invitation before I could even finish my sentence. He's really excited to visit New York especially so close to Christmas since all the other times he's gone have been passing visits for boxing matches.

"Yeah, I'm nervous but I'm okay." I whisper.

"Just think finals are over, we're going to New York and we're doing this together. Instead of Christmas With The Kranks, it's Christmas with Kane." He says and I can't stop the laugh bubble up.

"You know I hate that name." I grumble, joking with him and he sticks his tongue out of me. He's cute, I'll give him that.

"Let's get going before your friends leave without saying goodbye." He says and I whack his arm. "Sorry, they're not going to leave."

"I'd kill them if they did." I say and he laughs, giving me a weird look.

"Sorry, just picturing you killing them and it's humorous." He says, and I groan, rolling my eyes as his arm slips around my waist as we begin to walk.

To get my confidence back up, Ethan and I have been walking pretty much everywhere aside from when we go to the gym, and I have to say it's working. I was very apprehensive to go to the gym again because even though I know I'm okay there since Ethan scares anyone that even glances my way (before that night even happened), I was still nervous so we've been working out during closing hours. I never expected that I, Francesca would ever say I go to the gym and I don't just sit there and watch.

Considering everything, I've not been at work. Karen wasn't pleased to hear from Ethan that I was taking an early leave before Christmas, but apparently his charming words worked because she did let me. I didn't want to do it but I know now that I certainly couldn't work especially at the beginning of last week, not straight away.

I'm still very skittish when it comes to strangers, more so the male species and I feel guilty because they are only human. But I can't help it. I was once a very trusting person, but now, now I'm on high alert. I hope that I can go back to work when the spring semester starts back up, I know I'll never be alone because there's always Leah or another colleague with me. That's assuring enough.

I can't believe the fall semester is over already, and I have to say goodbye to my friend whom I won't see for another two or so weeks. More than ever have I needed them, and they've been so amazing whether it's them walking with me to lessons, talking or simply being there. I'm going to miss them over Christmas, but I know they're going to have some great stories when we reunite and have our annual celebratory dinner.

I've not really thought about Christmas this year, mostly because I don't want to face the hard facts that I'm not going to see my family. Ethan's invited me to spend it with him, but I haven't given him an actual answer because honestly, I feel weird intruding on his family's celebrations. I'd love to go, be with him and his family but it just makes me feel like an intruder. He claims it was Maria's idea, but I'm still apprehensive.

It's the twentieth, so it's not like I have much time to ponder my options. Last year I was already on my way home; the Christmas tree up already in the living room, my parents with joy on their faces when I enveloped them in a hug.

So much has changed, and it's hard to even think about it. It's my baby sister's first Christmas, I don't even know her and I'm not going to be there to see her on her first Christmas. She was barely ten weeks old when I last saw her, she'll be, what... six months old on the twenty-sixth. I don't even know what she looks like. I can't exactly blame my asshole father, but I'd like a phone now and again, but nothing.

Emma, jeez, I miss her.

I'm not welcome at home. I know that and honestly, it's the last place I want to be, but I'd do anything to go home and it feel like home. Just the family together again like nothing ever happened.

But it did drastically, and no one can change that back now.

"Hey, spacey, you alright?" Ethan asks, squeezing my arm gently, comfortingly, and only now do I realize we're outside and already halfway to my dorm. I can walk and space out apparently – I might add that to my resume.

"Yeah, just thinking about Christmas." I say with a heavy sigh.

"Will you just accept the bloody invite? – Kurt and Stevie are missing you like crazy. Maria loves you like you're her own daughter. Scar and Felix, well they're them and they'll probably tease us but it'll be a good day. I'd hate to think you were spending the day alone, and I'm not going to allow it. You're either spending it with my family or we're doing it alone." He says, and I smile shyly up at him.

"You're awfully bossy." I say and he playfully glares at me. "If what you're saying is true, then yes, I'll spend this day with your family."

"Finally, it took you long enough. Has anyone ever called you stubborn?" He asks and I giggle, leaning into his side and he pulls me closer, leaving a kiss at the top of my head. "After New York, we'll go straight to the apartment if you want, spend our time there?"

"Yeah, I've missed your bed. I'd also not like to be on campus, it's weird when it's silent and empty." I say and he hums, nodding, agreeing with me.

"When are you meeting... is it Abby?" He asks.

"Yeah, she's coming down from Harvard. We always used to meet in Manhattan, once a month usually, sometimes more. I haven't seen her since July though, I've missed her like crazy. She was going to drive straight home to New Haven but she said she could stop for a few hours. We'll have some time to spare since she's expected to be in the city around four, half four. Is that okay with you?" I ask him. It's only noon here, so we should, if we set off within the hour, get there around three-ish depending on traffic.

"Of course, it'll be fun. We have the hotel room for two nights; we'll do the actual touristy stuff tomorrow." He says and I smile up at him, I think he's more excited about being in New York than I am which is saying a lot. The hotel room that he mentioned is a secret, and he's keeping it hush which is so annoying because I personally hate surprises. "Ooh, we have to watch Home Alone two, it's a must."

"And order room service?" I look up at him with a slight smile, I'm trying not show how much this means to me because it does, massively.

"Definitely." He nods so sure of himself.

He's like a little kid, and it's the sweetest thing I've ever witnessed.

"This will be the first time... I've really, like, celebrated Christmas." He mumbles and I frown at him.

"What? You're joking." I say and he shakes his head, looking ahead of us, avoiding eye contact.

"Um, growing up how I did, in the homes, it was never celebrated or at least not properly. We never watched movies, had presents, especially not a dinner – some of the kids got to see their parents, but that kind of rubbed salt in the wounds. It was more a sad holiday than a happy one for me." He says, and my heart crumbles for him. No child deserves that, especially not Ethan.

"What about Scar and Maria?" I have to ask, knowing that he's been with them since he was fourteen.

"They do it- they do it big, but I've never been around to witness the actual day. I always take myself off, maybe get a boxing match in or just go to a bar and get wasted. It's not exactly a holiday I like, but this year, it's different." He says, and again my heart breaks for him. He's still very much a little boy at heart, and I just want to show him what he's been missing the last twenty-one years.

"Different how?" I ask.

"Because I have you. For once I actually want to try. I don't know the first thing about Christmas really, only what's shown on movies, so don't expect me to be the master. I guess staying in New York a couple days before the day starts it off okay though, right?" He looks unsure, and I stop in my tracks, grabbing his face and smashing my lips on his. The kiss is messy, but I don't care. He immediately wraps his arms around me, smiling against my lips. "I'm guessing it's okay?"

"Okay? It's more than okay. I- Thank you." I blurt out, and he chuckles with me.

"You're welcome. We should actually get going now though before your friends do leave." He says in amusement.

"You're horrible. It's bad enough that I know they all waited a few hours for me. I wouldn't be surprised if they did leave." I say, and he doesn't even look at all sorry. He's a prick, only he's a gorgeous, nice one.

Everyone else's finals either ended yesterday or this morning, so I'm the only person they're waiting on, and I feel awful for keeping them. I know we could have all said our goodbyes this morning, but we're all very dramatic.

I'm still carrying the secret around about what happened in July, Ethan being the only one aware of something even happening, so they all assume I'm going home after New York. But on the contrary. I feel bad for keeping it from them, but it's just easier to nod and smile.

I need to stop suppressing everything, but I don't even know when or how to start. I want to tell Ethan; I do but even thinking about saying it aloud makes my insides curdle. I don't even know where to start, how to say it, but what's scarier is that he could leave after knowing exactly what happened – what I did.

It's a secret of unknowns, but I know one day that I'm going to have to tell him or someone because every day it's eating further away at me, and one day it's going to get too much. I'm scared for that day. Truly terrified.

"Come on, you're spacing again baby." Ethan gently nudges me, and I blink up at him and he nods towards the building.

Oh, we're here!

"Sorry, just in my head today." I whisper.

"Are you sure you're okay driving?" He asks, worry in his tone.

"What other option do we have? You do recall me throwing up the last time I was in a moving vehicle, right?" I remind him with a little laugh, opening the building door, and he gives me a stern expression. "I'm okay, I swear. As soon as I have my music on, I'll be totally fine."

"You know you can get pills to help with travel sickness." He says and I nod, holding the door open from him as I slip through.

"I hate taking medication, but I have to when I go on a plane or a long journey, also like when I was younger. But if it's not a long journey, I might as well drive." I shrug, frowning quickly at the loud music in this hallway. Why are people partying when they could be going home? It baffles me, it really does.

"You're the only person in the past five or so years whose every drove me somewhere unless it's a taxi driver or I'm completely smashed. I usually hate being in the passenger seat, especially in my own car because she is basically my child, but you're actually a good driver and I trust you with her." He says and I laugh, I still don't know why he does.

"As I keep saying; you shouldn't." I say and he rolls his eyes at me. Rude. "But I appreciate it."

Since maintenance is still a dick, the elevator still after nearly a year hasn't been fixed. It's becoming more and more like The Big Bang Theory, and I'm not at all here for it. Our dorm is on the fifth floor and it's annoying every time you have to walk up the stairs. But finally, we get to the door and when I push it open, everyone is there laid around on the sofa with their bags waiting.

I'm not ready for this.

"Finally! How was it? Do you think you did okay?" Matt blurts out, standing up from the sofa and I smile walking towards them.

"I was stressing for nothing it seems actually, I think and hope I've done good." I say, running my hands through my hair.

"Hey Ethan." He quickly acknowledges his presence before turning towards me. "I'm so proud of you – I knew you could do it. Now hug me."

"You act like you don't love me most of the time but as soon as we're about to all leave, you're all clingy and nice. I'd appreciate this more often from you." I say, knowing he's always like this when the semesters are over.

"You know I love you." He says and I roll my eyes as he pulls me in for a bone-crushing hug.

"Someone save me." I choke out, and the girls just smile nicely at me. Traitors. "Ethan?"

"Nope, this is fun to see. I'm making a snack, who wants one?" Ethan asks, and I gasp for air when Matt finally lets me go.

"Me!" Matt exclaims.

"I hate all of you." I point at every single traitor.

"You love us, don't lie Frankie. Now get in here." Hanna holds up the blanket, and I do, climbing over the back of the sofa, settling between Lauren and Hanna.

"Yeah, I do." I mutter under my breath.

"It's only two weeks, just a little more than that, we're going to survive this." She says with confidence.

"Yeah, well I'm going to have to face my parents." Lauren fakes a sob, and I have to slap my hand to my mouth to muffle the laugh. "It's not funny nor is it fair."

"They're going to love your piercing." I know I'm pushing her buttons.

"Fuck, help me get it out!" She practically begs of me, and I roll my eyes.

"You're so dramatic." Hanna says, twisting her countless rings on her fingers.

"I'm not, my parents will keep me in Korea if one hair on my precious head is touched." Lauren says, and I don't doubt her word on that. They're really protective of her.

"Girls, come on, help her out. I'd miss the little one." Matt says and I scoff, looking back to see him and Ethan making sandwiches. They're actually making food right now... in a time of emergency?

"You wouldn't miss me?" I ask with a frown.

"Of course I would Fran, but Lauren could quite literally leave the country whereas we could easily kidnap you back." He tells me, and I nod.

"He's not wrong." Lauren mutters.

"What would actually happen if you don't go?" Ethan asks her, and she turns around to be polite as she begins to speak to him.

"Well, my momma, papa and I have a deal. I come visit when I can, and they'll let me live here. But if I miss even one holiday, they'll be on the next plane here to sit me down, and basically have an intervention which they have done before. It's so embarrassing, and I just wish they'd stop the overprotective act, but they're not going to, at least not until I marry one of the nice Korean boys, they me to talk to. I'm not going to by the way, so they're going to torture me forever it." Lauren seems careless about the subject now, and I don't really blame her, I would do.

"Are they awful people?" He asks curiously.

"You'd think so but no, they're just overprotective because I'm their only daughter. I love them with my whole heart but they can be a little much. I hate going back home to be interrogated straight after a long flight, and I can't get out of it. Stupidly I wish they still lived in the US because it was easier then. But nevertheless they're nice people." She mutters the last part, and I squeeze her reassuringly.

"Sorry about all these question, but I'm just curious. So, are they both from Korea?" He asks her, and she smiles but shakes her head. I love how much Ethan is invested in all of my friends lives, like he really cares about them all. They all may have had their opinions on him at the beginning but look at us now.

"My mom is, she came to America for a college thing, and that's when she met my father. My dad was born and raised in Chicago which I where I was born. See, he isn't even Korean which is so hypocritical of my mom wanting me to marry a Korean boy – I'm not opposed to it, but I hate the whole set-up idea, like I want to marry for love not for money or status. Anyway, that's beside the point. I honestly couldn't tell you his ethnicity since he doesn't know fully, but he's white American mostly, and somewhere in his genes he's Turkish, Spanish and the rest is unknown. I just say I'm raised by Korean parents because it's easier than explain, but then most people point out that I don't really look Korean which is true but so racist by the way. I hate people sometimes." She energetically explains, and I smile knowing she loves talking about her fad. Her mom is very... hard to please, whereas her dad apparently has some character.

"Don't worry, people can be real pricks sometimes." He mutters, and I can't agree more to that.

"So, Hanna, how are you feeling about going back?" I ask her, and Lauren turns back around to join our conversation.

"Um, I have mixed feelings because I have missed them all but I know as soon as I get there, I'll want to leave. It doesn't help that my mom's due date is next week too. There's going to be a screaming baby in the house again, and I'm not ready for that." Hanna says, and that surprises me. I didn't think her mom was due yet, but when I really think about it, it makes sense. "Oh and don't let me forget about the name. My parents are calling the baby... Sal."

I can't help bursting out with laughter this time, and I'm thankful I'm not the only one as everyone else does too.

Sal.

"They don't even know the gender." I point out through a fit of giggles.

"Which makes it worse! It's going to be called Sal either way." Apparently, the laughter can get harder. "Little Salvester not Sylvester, but Salvester for a boy, or Sallie for a girl. I feel like this is one massive April fool's joke."

Poor child.

"I feel like I'm the only one with a normal name. There's me, Mike, Fannon, Denver, Hugo, Zander, Rex, Penelope... wait, how many is that?" She asks herself, and I laugh.

"Eight." I tell her.

"Okay, um... oh yeah, Flossie, Sandy, Clover and now Sal. I'm sure twelve kids has to be the limit." She exhales, shaking her head.

"Twelve kids." Ethan's eyes widen as he shakes his head. Me too, Ethan, me too. "Fucking hell."

"Yeah, I'm the eldest of the bunch. Clover, she's two, the youngest until Sal comes along. I'm the only normal one, and that's a stretch." She mutters.

"You're in my prayers." Laurens whispers and she smiles appreciatively at her.

We are all well aware of how big her family is since she complains about them, we've all heard how bizarre and unique their names are because she's spoken about them, but until now when she's named them all, have I only realized how big her family really is. I can't even imagine the chaos. I was an only child growing up until recently, so I really can't imagine.

"I'm so jealous that you're going to New York for Christmas." Lauren grumbles.

"We're not staying for Christmas, but either way I'll send you pictures of beautiful New York." I promise her, only rubbing it in a little with a smile on my face.

"Send them to the group chat." Matt calls from behind me.

"Okay, I will." I say, that is if I can find it, it's been well and truly deserted in my inbox.

"Ugh, I need to go or I could miss my flight." Lauren says, grabbing my attention immediately and I instantly pout at her, my lip stuck out and everything. "Stop. Not the face, it's hard as it is without the face."

"Are you sure you have to go?" Hanna asks her in a baby voice.

"I'm sorry guys." She says.

"No, I don't agree!" Matt exclaims, marching into the living room.

Remember when I said we're dramatic?

Around five minutes of convincing Lauren to stay, we failed and had to let her go, and she cried like a little baby. I had a little tear in my eye, but she was full on bawling. Then Matt was the next to go which wasn't as sad, quite humorous actually when his car nearly didn't start. Hanna aside from us was the last to go, and it was hard to actually make her because she wanted to stay here – I wasn't surprised.

Then it was just us left in the dorm, only a couple minutes before we grabbed our bags and left ourselves.

We got in his car, put my playlist on and then we got on the road.

"New York, baby." Ethan smiles at me, his voice only loud enough for me to hear over the music.

New York, I hope you're ready for us.

~~~~~

A/N

New York baby!!!

I just want to say here, I'm not an American college student so I don't know how finals week works – all the research I did on it got me nowhere, but that it's in the middle of December. I don't want technicalities anyway, it's a fictional book, and everything about the college so far has been fictional apart from the name. So take it as you do.

Another thing – I have never been to New York, however Google is a handy little thing with that specific research. If I get any of it wrong, please pull me up on it but don't be vicious, I still have a heart.

I'm really happy to introduce Abby because she's one of Francesca's eldest friends, and they've got some catching up to do...

Life update: I wrote most of this during work, like I wrote it on my phone and everything. I'm surprised how it came out. Work has been fun, tiring but great to be back.

Question of the chapter:

What makes you happy?

Writing, music and reading. I know, I know, it's a shit answer but it's true.

I hope this chapter was okay!

Buckle your seatbelt, only twelve chapters left!

Thank you for reading! Please comment your thoughts, vote by pressing the little star, and if you want, you can follow me too. Xx

4248 words!

~B