AN: this is the third part of the triple update, read the other's beforehand.

Francesca's POV:

Nightmares are cruel. They're your deepest fears and your mind plays a harsh game, bringing them out to play as a form of torture. Whilst in a vulnerable sleep, the thoughts you've pushed down finally surface, letting one out at a time – not only reliving something, but also your own thoughts echoing around you whilst it's happening, making the situation much worse. Sickening and gut wrenching.

I didn't have a nightmare last night. I expected it, and I was dreading even letting sleep capture me for another night, but it didn't happen. After what happened last night, I expected the worse to happen but to my surprise I woke up, laid next to Ethan in bed, my voice pained from crying, but no recollection of a dream or nightmare of any sort.

Last night surprisingly wasn't the worst night of my life, the night in July still ranks number one, but it comes in at number two. I've never been so terrified, so helpless and weak. I felt like every minute I trained to protect myself was wasted because I couldn't protect myself, I was frozen and all I could do was try and scream but that made things worse.

I know many people have it worse, and for that I sympathize massively because what I'm feeling is a hurt in my heart I can't describe, I feel used and violated like I was useless. I feel useless now. And in the bigger picture, people do have it worse – but I repeat in my brain something Ethan once told me.

If everyone's problems were smaller or bigger than the others, there would be only one person on this planet whose problem mattered. So no matter how big or small, your problems still matter.

I still feel petty and selfish for complaining though, but that is my own personal battle because since I was a child, I haven't really let myself wallow, or let people in on my problems so talking about things always feel small.

I've been awake an hour already, and I've just been laid in my own thoughts which sure isn't remotely healthy, but this time I was just trying digest everything.

Ethan's arms tighten their hold around me as he stirs in his sleep, and though last night I flinched at every move he made, I don't mind it. Last night I was so numb, shocked and scared of everything that moved. Now, now I'm okay, not great at all, I'm hurt and a broken, but I'm not flinching away from the guy that I trust my life with.

"Hmm Fran-Francesca?" His voice is rough yet soft with his morning voice, but still comes out quizzically, and I hum, turning my body to see his face properly, his stubble more visible. "You're awake."

"Yeah, I've been awake an hour." I whisper, ducking my head down on his chest and he hesitates to put his arm around me. "Please Ethan, don't stop doing things and being yourself around me, I know you're being careful, but I trust you and I want things to be normal, this isn't normal."

"I'm sorry, I just- I don't know what I can and can't do with you now. It's uncharted territory." He says with a sigh, and I reach my hand up to his face, cupping his jaw.

"It's uncharted territory for me too, I don't know when's too soon for me to act normal and move on if I can, or what. I'm so confused, hurt and broken, but having your arms around me – just a little bit of normalcy." I say and he finally does, and I sigh in response feeling comfort and safe – my safety net.

"Dare I ask how you slept last night?" He asks.

"Good, not amazingly because it's not your big, comfy bed, but I didn't have another nightmare." I whisper.

"You didn't?" He asks, surprise evident in his tone.

"No, I'm shocked too. I expected to, but I didn't, and I'm unsure why." I say, playing with his fingers.

"Maybe because I'm so amazing." He mumbles and I smile up at him to see a smirk on his face. "You said for me to act myself – I don't think I'm going to say all the perverted things I used to say just yet because right now, neither of us are in the space of mind for that."

"Thank you." I whisper, it meaning more than he knows.

"It's a stupid question, but how are you?" He asks delicately, and I know he's treading carefully.

"I feel... weird. Talking with you helped me, and I can't thank you enough for last night. I just- right now, I feel violated and my heart is hurting, it's something I can't really describe." I mumble, playing with his fingers again. "I don't know what or how I'm supposed to feel. I'm confused, and I just want to move on from what happened, but I don't know how to do that either."

"You just have to put one foot in front of the other, and we'll get through it together. If us being physical again is a worry, just don't, because I really don't mind waiting until you're ready." He says, and until now I've not even thought about it.

"It's not a worry – I trust you, but I think I do need some time. But that doesn't mean that I don't want to hear your perverted ass thoughts and your teasing because I want things to be as back to normal as possible." I say, looking up at him with a smile on my face.

"You love my perverted comments, huh?" He asks in a teasing tone, and I smile. He's back.

"Sometimes." I mutter, even though I fucking love them.

With all the shocking and obscene words that were spilling out of his mouth last night, taunting me with promises that made my legs weak, and with the teasing words, he was revving me up, so when we did get home, we'd finish the night perfectly. However here we are, and I'm left disappointed, violated and heartbroken. It's a weird type of hurt.

"I had a really nice night last night." I speak my thoughts.

"Babe, but-" I cut him off before he can continue.

"No, that wasn't part of our night. Our night consisted of us dancing together, having fun and we celebrated Felix's birthday. I don't want to link what happened at the end, to the amazing night that we endured because up until it, I loved every minute even when Matt and Kieran danced to 'Pony' by Ginuwine. Being out with you, my friends and everyone, it just felt so right, and I loved it." I say, insisting that last night was amazing apart from what happened – what happened I'm still quite unsure on. I wasn't... raped, I don't think but it wasn't quite nothing either. I'm scared to really think about it too much. "I'm not pushing it away or trying to ignore it because I'm not, I just don't want the night we had together to be completely ruined because of me."

"It wasn't because of you. You aren't at fault at all. The prick that hurt you is at fault, no one else's." He says roughly, anger stemming from him. I've never seen so much rage on someone's face as I did when Ethan rushed in to save me. I honestly believe he could have killed him, and seeing that didn't scare me, in fact it made me feel safer.

"I just hate that everyone had to leave." I say and he groans, pulling me closer to him and I smile as his arms wrap around me. He's a cuddly grumpy teddy bear.

"Lauren and Felix were smashed, and I really mean it. Hanna wasn't drunk at all; she was just dancing with this girl whom I didn't catch the name of. And the guys were gonna head out anyway." He excuses.

"Did Felix and Lauren hook up?" I ask, a smile coming to my face. I care more about my friends sex lives than my own, I know. But I love them so much, and I just know that she needed to get laid.

"Yeah, in the ba- shit... well in the bathroom at the club. I don't know if they did it again." He says and I chuckle, ignoring the feeling at the mention of that Godawful bathroom. I'm glad she finally hooked up with someone, the person being Felix is just a bonus because he's not just a random person, and especially not Tyrone for once.

He tangles his fingers with mine, and I sigh feeling comfortable in his presence.

"Your hands are massive." I blurt out, starring at the ginormous things and he laughs, raising a brow at me.

"Your hands are just teeny." He says.

"Um, no. Your hands are like the size of my head. Why are your hands so big?" I ask him seriously.

"Do you think I know the answer to that? Like I sit and stretch my fucking hands?" He laughs so genuinely, and I whine at his teasing. "You love my hands baby, don't lie."

"I thought the perverted teasing was on hold?" I raise a brow, hiding my smile slightly.

"You just took it perverted-ly." He shrugs.

"Dirty minds think alike." I whisper and he only nods with a hum. "But your hands are massive."

"I haven't heard you complain before." He says with a little laugh.

"Well- I wasn't complaining, I like your hands, I was just pointing out that they're big. Wait, widen your index finger and your thumb." I say and he looks at me like I'm crazy, yet he doesn't know why I'm actually asking this. I grab his hand and widen them for him, laughing when I look at the size. "It's your dick size."

"Francesca!" He exclaims and I smack my hand over my mouth to stop the laughter. "Fuck sake."

"I read it somewhere." I giggle, looking up at him.

"What book has that information?" He asks with a concerned frown. Oh boy, you don't want to know what I read, I promise you.

Shit.

"Fuck, I have classes today. I have a paper due today." I say, and before I can even attempt to get up, his arms tighten around me. I groan, looking at him with a stern expression. I probably look like a baby cow trying to intimidate him. "Ethan, I need to do it, I can't risk anything."

"Risk what?" He asks.

"My scholarship – this paper is worth half my grade for this semester, and if my grades drop, I can easily get my scholarship taken away from me." I say, and he frowns at me. Oh yeah, I'm not lying, the school can do what they please. "I want to get back to normal, you said baby steps, sitting on the end of my bed to finish a paper is okay."

"Do you want me to leave?" He asks and I stare at him. Is he serious? Of course I don't want him to fucking leave me. "I'm taking the silence and the look as a no."

"No, yeah I want you to stay with me. It won't take too long – can you come with me after to hand it in? I don't want you to feel like my babysitter though and feel obliged to. I'm going to be okay, I'd just like your company." I say shyly, looking up at him.

"Babe, I will never feel like your babysitter nor feel obliged. I honestly don't want to leave you right now, at all. That's my choice. So, of course I will come with you. And until you feel comfortable, I'll be with you if you want me to." He says softly, and my heart feels like it's being wrapped in cotton wool.

"Now can you let me go so I can actually get up and do my work?" I ask, and he finally does but I'm not going to lie, I already miss his arms around me.

"You're bossy." He pouts.

"You're annoying with big hands." I retort.

"I can't deny that." He laughs, and I smile back at him as I stand from the bed.

Dancing my eyes around, I sigh when I see my red dress in the corner of the room. I loved that dress, I looked hot in it and I just felt so effortlessly beautiful yesterday, but now I would do anything to never see it again in my life.

"Um, I know you liked the dress but can I like burn it?" I ask, looking back at him and he squints his eyes at me, sitting up in bed.

"Of course you can fucking burn it, you don't need my permission." He tells me.

"Am I being stupid? It's just a dress but I don't think I could ever wear it again. I feel sick just looking at it now." I say, and he takes hold of my wrist, grabbing my attention.

"Don't question your feelings – no one can tell you how to deal with this. If you want to burn it, then burn it to the fucking ground." He says, and I give him a little nod. "I want to kiss you so much, take away your pain and-"

Before he continues his rant – which was beautiful, and I appreciate it – I step between his legs and crash my lips his before I think about it because I don't want to think before kissing the guy I like and trust. I don't want there to be hesitation when it comes to us. I want to go slow, meaning I don't think I could have sex with him today, maybe not tomorrow, but I didn't mean slow with no kisses or affection. I want that now more than anything, and I'm unsure if that's how I should be feeling right now.

He's frozen in place and his lips are slightly parted as I pull back from the harsh kiss, only to lightly flutter my lips back over his. Only now does he kiss me back, carefully like I'm a China doll ready to break at any given moment, but I'm stronger than he thinks.

It's just him and I right now, no one else.

"Kiss me when you want to kiss me unless I tell you otherwise. Just please don't hesitate around me." I plea, cupping his jaw and he sighs with a nod. "I want things normal. I don't know if I'll freak when we have sex but that doesn't mean that I don't want to. I want everything to go back to normal, but I know that it won't, at least not just yet, but having you kiss me, that makes me feel normal."

"I don't know what your boundaries are, and I don't want to overstep them. I don't want to scare you, Francesca." He murmurs.

"You've never scared me. Last night I was scared in general, nothing about you or your presence scared me. When I was... flinching, I was in shock from what happened and I was really skittish." I tell him, looking down at him like a puppy. I'd do anything to take back last night, to have his arms around me with no wedge between us. I know I'm strong enough to get through this, I've had guys prey on me, stalk me, scare the shit out of me, and yes, this is the only one that has gotten further, but I'm more worried about Ethan and I's relationship because I know I can hopefully come back from this.

"I hated seeing you like that, and I just would hate to see it happen because of me." He says.

"It's not going to, and if it does, it's me, not you." I say, and he shakes his head.

"Stop putting this on yourself." He says sternly.

"Who else are my supposed to put it on? I'm so confused right now." I say with a deep exhale.

"Start your work, I'll make breakfast." He insists. 

"Why did I decide to do college?" I rhetorically ask myself, stepping out from between his legs, adventuring over to my desk that is full of course work, books, stationary, and is a total mess.

"For your future." He says and I scoff, shaking my head.

"No, more like a ticket out of New Haven." I turn around to say to him, and he smiles sympathetically at me. "Well, actually, I was going to go to Yale, but I've honestly forgot what the original desire was to do college. Like it's just stressful, tiresome and very... big, I don't know. What's my point again?"

"Why you're doing college." He reminds me.

"Oh yeah, well I do want to graduate, get a good job and all, but sometimes it doesn't feel worth it, like it's hard as you know, but sometimes I just want to drop out. Which I'm not by the way, I literally don't have another option but to stay here." I say, grabbing my laptop from underneath a pile of sheets.

"I've dropped out once before, but Scar threatened to kick me out if I didn't get my ass to the dean and beg for my place back. Like as you know I don't need to go to college because I have my life set out, but Scar is my legal guardian and he wants me to graduate. I don't know why he would pay that much in tuition for someone who doesn't want to even go but he is, so I go and try my best." He says, telling me something I didn't know.

"You dropped out?" I ask, walking over to my bed, moving my duvet and sitting at the bottom, crossing my legs under myself.

"Yeah, last year, it lasted two days and I was back in. Scar pulled some strings, and it was like I never even left. Only one more year, three more semesters and I'm done." He says with a sigh, and I smile at him. "But you've got two more years left here, so get your work done because you're not dropping out, you have a life ahead of you, so get to typing, I'll make us food."

Bossy bastard.

"What food?" I ask, perking up at the mention.

"What do you have in?" He asks, climbing out of my bed.

"It's Monday, we shopped on Friday, so my answer is, I don't really know. I don't mind what we eat unless it's edible." I tell him honestly.

"Okay, got you." He says, opening my door and he hesitates, looking back. "Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah, I'm going to be fine." I say, nodding at him, a smile creeping on my face.

Once he leaves, I open my laptop and I have the strong urge to shut it and procrastinate, but I fight that and open my documents. I've already started the paper, but when I say that, I mean I wrote one paragraph of it and gave up. I'm usually really good with this kind of stuff; getting things done on time, but college is quite literally kicking my ass this year. Knowing that this semesters finals are nearing, is nerve-wracking, and I'm dreading it because I don't know if I'm ready for them at all.

The bonus to college work is that it distracts me easily, and when you have demons like I do, it's an easy break – and you're getting things done at the same time.

I'm unsure how what happened last night will affect me. There's no book on how I'm supposed to act or feel. I'm confused right now, hurt and I think still in shock. It's affected me already emotionally, but I'm not sure how my mental state is. The incident in July ruined me, it broke me in ways I didn't know how, leaving my mentality shattered and in pieces, and I was in my own head for nearly three months, blaming myself for everything. With this, this is different because for once, I've spoken about it and not pushed it away, I've got people around me to help, and I'm not alone like I was in the summer.

I'm scared to shit. I never expected what happened to happen, it caught me off guard and I felt totally helpless. I don't know if and when someone will do it again, and that's terrifying to me, but I know I can't live in fear for the rest of my life. It happened last night, and I'm still trying to understand it, but I'm also trying to work with it.

I don't want to live in fear, I don't want to rely on Ethan or my friends when I want to go someplace because I'm scared it will happen again or it will be worse. My gut is clenching with fear just thinking all of this, but I can't sit here and let one person define my whole life.

I want to walk the street alone without having to look over my shoulder (which I did before anyway), I want to graduate, get a good job which consists of independence.

I want independence and I will get that back, but with time and patience.

I have a complicated mind though – I get frustrated with my own personal battles in there. Right now the thought of going outside alone is scaring me, but one piece of my mind is telling me to fuck my fears and do it. I'm not going to, I'm not at all ready for that, but I know deep down I have that confident piece of mind there and it's comforting to know I'm not totally broken.

I stop myself from spiraling down a hole with my own thoughts and continue writing this fucking paper.

Why do I need a future again? Can't I sofa surf for the rest of my life?

Hesitation, writers block and procrastination is the worst medicine for someone who's relying on their brain to work.

But I can't wait around any longer, my English Literature professor needs it in two hours.

~~

Ethan made us sausage and egg sandwiches which were perfection, and he brought a pot of coffee in for me because he knew I'd need refills – which I did, and after an hour and half of continuous work with a few breaks for chatter with Ethan, my paper is finished and printed off in a folder. I know I could just send it to my professor, but I'd rather hand it in so she can't bullshit me later and say I handed it in late.

Nerves are swarming me as I get my coat on, I know I'm safe with Ethan, but I'm still a little scared to go outside. There's a nag in my head calling me stupid, but I know deep down that I'm not. I hope I'm not anyway. My brain really is my worst enemy.

"Do I look like shit?" I ask him needing a serious answer.

"Shut up, no." He says, and I don't even take offense to his blunt words even though he's lying.

My hair is up in a messy bun, messier than normal, I have on a grey tracksuit which is two sizes two big, the large hoodie under my black puffer coat. I look like I've been dragged through a hedge and back honestly.

"Have you got everything?" He asks me, and I check what I already have in my hands.

"Keys, paper, phone, and you. Yes, I'm good." I say with a slight smile, and he chuckles, shutting my door behind us. I haven't left my bedroom since last night, so this is the first time me seeing everyone, and they're all still laid around in the living room.

"Felix – you're opening the gym at one, so get your ass up." Ethan whacks him around the head, and he jolts awake. "It's twelve, get up or your brother is going to have an aneurism."

"Scar can fuck off." He grumbles, covering his eyes from the not very bright room. The blinds are shut and there's no lights on... what if I opened them? Yeah, I'm not that awful.

"He'll have you mopping the floors again." Ethan says, hovering over him, standing from the back of the sofa.

"Frankie." Lauren whispers, her voice scratchy and tired, and I walk around the sofa to her, seeing that she looks practically dead, laid next to Felix. Poor girl.

"Hey, we're going out – I need to hand in a paper." I tell her softly, crouching down to her level whilst I can still hear Ethan and Felix bicker like brothers behind me.

"Are you okay? I don't really remember much of last night." She explains her eyes scrunched together.

"I'll be okay, I'm not great but with time I hope so. Don't worry about me though, you look like death, are you okay?" I ask her, and she smiles at me wickedly.

"I had sex." She whispers not at all quietly, and Felix slaps her ass making her squeal. Okay, I know they only hooked up together, but I kind of like the dynamic between these two. "Hey! My ass is out of bounds."

"Shut the fuck up!" Matt whines from the other sofa, and I look over to see him practically asleep, Kieran laid on top of him.

"Okay, I need to go now because I need to hand in a paper, please don't kill each other until I get back." I say, standing up and Ethan gives Felix a look of warning.

"If Scar has you mopping the floors, don't blame me or complain to me because I warned you." Ethan tells him, and Felix flips him off before wrapping his arms around Lauren. Ethan rolls his eyes before turning towards me, smiling slightly. "Let's go."

And that's what we did, we made the short walk over to the building where the exact lecture I was supposed to be in was being held.

I won't lie and say I felt okay because I was constantly looking around me, and even though I had Ethan with me, I still felt a little unsure of my surroundings. But I did get there, I handed in that paper with no complications and then we walked back slowly, holding hands as he tells me he's proud of me.

And for once, I was proud of me.

~~~~~

A/N

Francesca, I'm personally sorry for putting you through hell.

Life update: It's Sunday which means I finally have a day off, and it's updating day, I hope you liked the spam of updates. It's been a busy week! I'm proud of myself for getting these done though even though they were hard to write.

Question of the chapter:

What is your pet peeve?

Toxic masculinity! Quoting Matt's words - "So much toxic masculinity, Jesus, someone needs to paint their nails and put on a facemask now and again." – he's not wrong, I just wished some guys would let down their guard, and just do that. Toxic masculinity is just a turn off for me, like it just nudges me the wrong way.

I hope this chapter was okay!

Thank you for reading! Please comment your thoughts, vote by pressing the little star, and if you want, you can follow me too. Xx

4431 words!

~B