Chapter 11: cheap perfume and cigarettes
Flipping over the page, I groan as yet another person slams open my bedroom door. Is peace and quiet too much to ask for around here?!
My eyes meet Lauren's, a pitying look on her face. She's wearing a tight and very short, yellow dress which compliments her skin color, and looking absolutely perfect.
"You look beautiful." I compliment.
"So do you." She says and I scoff looking down at my outfit. I'm wearing a shirt of Matt's and some pajama bottoms. Beautiful? I don't think so.
"Thank you for lying, I appreciate it." I say, tucking my hair behind my ear.
"Come on Frankie. It'll be great, I promise. I won't sleep with Tyrone and leave you. We'll get some drinks and dance. Come on." She pleas, sticking her bottom lip out.
"I have some studying to do, and I'm not in the mood Laur. But next time, I'll go." I promise. I'm not someone to break my promises either. I'm just not ready to go out again just yet. It was only three weeks ago, and to refresh your memory, I took drugs and had a panic attack the following morning. But without drugs, I get panicky at parties. It's a vicious circle, and it's not worth it. So, I'm not doing it.
"Okay, fine but when you see our Snapchat stories, please be jealous." She says and I laugh, nodding my head. Looks like I'm turning my phone off tonight because I will be jealous and get moody. "Okay, this is your last chance because we're going now. Are you one-hundred percent sure that you don't want to go?"
"I'm sure, Lauren. Have a good night. Don't drink too much. And if you do sleep with Tyrone, make sure he wears a condom. He most likely has STD's." I say and she groans, rolling her eyes before walking out. "I'm only looking out for you and your vagina!"
And that's when she slams my door shut.
Mission accomplished.
Getting further comfortable on my bed, I groan looking at the stupid textbook. I don't know why I don't just drop out right now and live in my car for the rest of my life. I know that I could take a gap year but the thing is, I don't have money to financially support myself outside of college, so even though I don't know what I want to do with my life, at least I have a place to sleep and people that I love around me.
~~
Seconds turn to minutes, then those to an hour. The silence in this apartment is getting too much for me. Even studying can't make me forget about the most awful moment of my life.
Fuck this.
I jump out of bed, storming through to the living room where I'm met with yet more silent, so I turn on my speakers, blasting some good old rock music through the dorm.
Food, I need food.
That will hopefully occupy my stupid brain.
I open the cupboards, grabbing a packet of mac and cheese out. The only semi-okay thing I can cook, and that's a push. Yeah, I suck and can't cook but that's why I'm going to marry a man who can.
My mind is a haze. As soon as the food is in the pot, I lean on the counter, closing my eyes as my head pounds, filling with memories. I can't seem to get them out. Nothing is working. Not the music filling my ears, not the smell of food hitting me. All I can think about is that night, and I can't do anything to stop it. It's on replay in my mind, and it's eating away at me.
"Fuck." I groan, clenching my hands.
It's your fault, no one else's. It was all your fault.
My father's words, on repeat in my mind. The moment I knew he was a stranger to me.
I can't get my head straight. The music isn't loud enough to block out his voice, but if I turn it up louder, I'll get complaints from our neighbors.
I feel torn.
I can't cope with this any longer.
I'm being tortured by my own selfish actions. He was right, what happened that night was nothing but my own fault but thinking that yourself and getting told it by him, are two completely different things. I of course take the blame but getting blamed by your own father, hurts more than words can describe.
In my position some would tell me to do something to occupy these thoughts, to get them to stop but I've tried everything I can. I can't concentrate. I can't do anything but let them possess me.
It's better when I'm around people, in fact it hardly ever happens.
I'm rethinking this whole partying thing. I hate being alone, and it's only been one hour since they all left. One hour. It's eight PM, and I've got hours to myself.
When I hear the pan bubbling over, I sigh, getting up and stirring it. See, this is what I mean when I said I can't cook.
With a bowl of semi-burnt pasta in my hands, I sit on the sofa, letting the sound of Nirvana fill my ears. I love rock music so much, but right now I wish I was at that party, listening to some kind of dance music.
~~
I'm known to make stupid and impulsive decisions, so I know no one is going to be surprised when I walk through this door. Yes, I got up, put a dress on and made my way over to the frat house. Lauren had left a note on the fridge, telling me where exactly they were going, so it wasn't that hard to find.
Yeah, I may get myself into trouble by getting drunk, but anything is better than feeling like my world around me is crumbling. I couldn't stay alone in that dorm any longer, so I got myself into that new white dress and combed a brush through my hair.
Everyone is here... Ethan is here. I'd rather be around people that I know than no one where my thoughts spiral into bigger and deeper ones. I'm not strong enough for that.
When I walk through the door, I'm welcomed by a few familiar faces, but I quickly go through to the kitchen, grabbing a wine cooler before walking outside, where thankfully my friends are surrounding the died-out fire pit.
"Look who showed up!" Matt squeals, jumping up from his chair and I smile as he embraces me in a bone-crushing hug. "I knew you would miss me."
"I was bored." I shrug, and he drapes his arm over my shoulder, bringing me over to the group. That's when I notice Ethan sitting there as well, right next a girl called Eloise. I don't really like her, she's always hung around with Hanna, but there's something about her that puts me off.
"Frankie, this is Kieran and his friend Tony. Then, well you know Ethan, don't you?" He muses, and I fight the urge not to elbow him in the ribs. Looking at the three, I avoid eye contact with Ethan, and smile at the two guys. The last time I saw Kieran, Matt and I were dancing, so I didn't get a really good look at him, but he is exactly how I remembered him to be, quite shy looking, brown hair with a light complexion.
"I'm sorry I wasn't here earlier, hey guys." I greet, sitting down between Hanna and Wes before turning to Tony. "I'm guessing it's your birthday?"
"Yeah, it is." He chuckles, moving his blonde hair out of the way. He's wearing a leather jacket and he has a few facial piercings, looking effortlessly edgy. Cool dude.
"Happy birthday." I send him a smile before looking over at Ethan, who is staring right at me. Have I got something on me? I didn't have time to put much makeup on, maybe it's that.
"Salatino, I haven't seen you in three weeks. Where the fuck have you been?" Wes asks with his bottom lip out, bringing me closer to him, wrapping his arm around my waist. I lay my head on his chest, feeling comfortable and a little warmer. I should have brought a jacket, but stupidly I didn't.
"You do have my number, you could call." I retort, looking up at him.
"The last time I saw you, you were, well you know, so I would have appreciated a text letting me know that you were alive." He says, and I instantly feel bad since the last time he did see me, I was on drugs.
"I'm good, I didn't die." I assure, gesturing to myself since I am very much alive. Just dead inside.
"Thank God, because you're not doing that again." He whispers, and I nod, not really agreeing with him.
"Why do we even come to these parties if all we do is hang outside?" I ask no one particular, wanting conversation to get started up again.
"Well usually it's just us four." Jack says, gesturing to him, Wes, me and Hanna. "We're lame."
"You hang out here because you deal, don't lie to yourself, hun." Hanna taps his shoulder, and I stifle a laugh, shaking my head.
"Francesca, I thought you weren't coming." A voice, this rough voice comes from Ethan. I blink up at him, seeing a change in him and how he's looking at me.
"I changed my mind." I say, tapping my legs only slightly. He's making my nervous, and that's a first because around absolutely any presence I don't get nervous at all. This is a first for me. The way I feel around Ethan is foreign, but it's not a bad thing.
"I can tell, it's nice to see you here." He says and I smile, moving my hair out of my way.
"You and Kane?" Wes whispers in my ear, and I frown up at him.
"Just friends." I mumble before taking a drink of my wine cooler. I'm staying clear of the hard stuff for right now.
"So, friends. Friends of friends. Who wants to dance, and get this party started?" Matt asks, clapping his hands together, and I smile over at him. "Come on, I want to dance."
"Fine, I've got my dancing shoes on." I say, looking down at me feet. I'm wearing my white Nike Air Forces, as always because comfort is always key.
"Yeah, I'm down." Lauren says, standing up but of course she leans down to Tyrone, planting a kiss on his cheek. I really despise that guy. "Bye babe."
~~
The music is booming, the drinks are flowing, and I feel so much better surrounded by the people I care about. I no longer am feeling isolated or trapped. I've kept myself to myself, feeling okay as I dance with Matt, Lauren and a girl called Charlie.
Some people don't even dance at all at parties which I think is just lost time. Why sit in a corner talking, when you can dance like your life depends on it. I know I'm not the best dancer but I just remind myself that literally everyone here is either too drunk or high to remember a random girl enjoying the night.
"So, Matt, why are you dancing over here with the girls when you have someone outside?" I ask, yelling only slightly over the music. I love dance music, especially old piano house. Sadly, there's only new stuff blasting through the speakers.
"I could be asking you the same thing, Fran." He says, taking a drink from his beer. "But, to answer your question, I just want to dance with your guys. Me and him can hang out all we want later on."
"Not in the room, please, I'm begging you." I say, laughing slightly.
"Come on, don't you love me?" He asks, pouting at me.
"Ugh fine, I'll crash in the living room, but please leave a blanket out for me." I say, and he nods, smiling like he's won a million dollars.
"Thank you, I appreciate it." He whispers, but since it's loud, I only just catch what he says, and I smile at him in response.
Holding onto his shoulder, we dance together, laughing ever so often when he decides to drop to the floor, shamelessly doing slut drops. This man will forever be my best friend, that is one thing I know for sure.
After finishing my first drink, not feeling at all effected by it, I excuse myself to go make myself an actual drink. Only this time with only one shot of vodka in and some lemonade. I don't want to get too drunk tonight because that always leaves me in bad decisions.
With the cup in hand, I go outside, joining the fire pit which is now lit. Only Jack is now here, so I take the seat next to him and when I do, he gently puts his jacket around me.
"You got a smoke?" I ask, taking a sip of my drink which is not at all strong enough for me. I should have put more in.
"Yeah, here." He fishes a packet of cigarettes out of his pocket, and I take one, putting in my mouth before he lights it for me. I inhale it, feeling the smoke fill my lungs. "So, what's with the three-week strike?"
"You do remember I took E, right?" I ask him, not so much rhetorically.
"Yeah, and? You always used to take it, and it didn't seem to stop you last year." He says, and I sigh, shaking my head.
"Well things changed. I changed. I shouldn't have manipulated you the way that I did, I just wasn't in the best of places." I say, not at all trying to excuse my behavior. I shouldn't have done it.
"I know, and you just wanted a break. I get it." He murmurs, pulling me into a hug. "You smell like cheap perfume and cigarettes."
"Hey, this is Calvin Klein, thank you very much!" I exclaim, totally offended by his comment. "You smell of weed, so fuck off."
"It's your favorite smell on me, don't kid yourself." He says, nudging my arm. Is it so bad that I do love the smell of it? Not on him per se, just in general.
"Whatever Jackson." I say, and he glares at me, taking the cig from between my fingers. "Hey!"
"If you insult the dealer, you don't get the drugs." He tells me.
"It's not even drugs." I say, but technically tobacco is drugs but I'm not here for the technicalities.
"Don't make me laugh." He says, and I flash him a grin. He not so easily, hands me it back and I put it between my lips. "Smoking kills you; you know."
"Exactly." I say, chuckling dryly.
"Wow, that's dark." He says, laughing slightly. "Care to elaborate?"
"Nah, I'll leave you with that one." I say, flicking the ash off the end. I don't smoke all the time, only at parties or if I'm overly stressed. If I were told to never have one ever again, that would be no problem for me. It's just something that eases me.
"So, you and Kane?" He brings up, and I groan, looking up at him.
"Do we have to?" I ask, silently pleading with him to just drop the subject before it's even begun.
"You like him, don't you?" He asks, pinching my cheeks and I push at his shoulder.
"Shut up, no I don't." I cross my arms, pouting like a child.
"You so do. Since when?" He asks, and I groan.
"I don't like him, so drop that. But if you really want to know, I met him the morning after the party three weeks ago. No one knows this, so please feel honored I've told you. I was having a panic attack whilst on my run, and he helped me. And ever since we've kinda just seen each other around; he's in my phycology class, and the last week we went to his gym. It was fun. He's a good friend." I say, smiling at the memory of us at the gym. I loved it that day despite the breakdown.
"A friend, you say. Kane doesn't have friends that are girls. He sleeps with them and never speaks to them again." He says, his voice rough, sounding somewhat pissed. This is the first of what I've heard of this.
"So, he's a player?" I ask, looking up at him.
"He's a guy, Frankie. I wouldn't call him a player because he doesn't play with their feelings, he just sleeps with them. They know what they're getting into with him. He's never had a girlfriend, and never a friend who is a girl. I'm just being honest with you, and I think you should be aware of that. I know you said you don't like him or whatever, but just be careful with him, okay?" He tells me, rubbing my arm and I nod, feeling an uneasy feeling go through me.
"I will, but I do have one more question. Why does everyone call him Kane, and how come I didn't know of him before I met him?" I ask.
"Well that was two questions, but okay. So, Kane is what he goes by for his career, so everyone calls him it, even his professors. I think you're the only one that calls him Ethan. And he hardly comes to these parties anymore, so there really wouldn't be a reason for you to know him. I only know him because of parties and we have a couple classes together. Other than that, I wouldn't know of him." He explains, and I sigh, thinking about it. It's just weird how everyone seems to have known him but me. I am pretty self-involved though, and I am one to admit that. It's just me and my group. I really don't speak to anyone outside of that.
"Thank you for telling me, not that it makes a difference. We'll most likely just continue being friends since I like his company. And anyway, I've told him that I've sworn of men, so he knows I'm not going to sleep with him. At the end of the day, I do see him only as a friend." I say, and he chuckles, shaking his head.
"Whatever lets you sleep at night. All I know is that the way you were looking at him earlier, that wasn't just friendly." He says in a teasing tone, and I glare at him.
"Shut up Jackson." I mutter.
"No drugs, that's it. Your privileges are gone." He exclaims, and I laugh, jumping up from the seat before he can take the cigarette from me.
"Thank you for the little chit chat, I'm going to go back in there now and dance the night away." I say, throwing his jacket to him before making my way towards the house. I drop the cigarette bud into the ashtray, dying it out before stepping through the door.
As I make my way back into the main room where we were all dancing not that long ago, Lauren comes straight over to me, her mascara running down her face. She wraps her arms around my waist, lying her head on my shoulder, and I immediately rub her back. Something's wrong.
"What's happened?" I ask, loud enough so she can hear.
"I just saw Tyrone fucking Eloise." She tells me, and I bite my tongue from saying anything. I hated that Eloise girl for a reason.
"Do you want me to punch him?" I ask, knowing that I will if she wants me to. I know how to now.
"No, it's fine, I should have more respect for myself, you know. I'm just tired of it at this point, but I love him too much." She says with a sigh, and I squeeze my arms around her.
"He doesn't deserve your love, babe, I'm sorry about that. And it has nothing to do about your respect, he should have the respect to treat you better. Let's do some shots, and dance. Please don't waste your tears on that jerk." I say, and she nods, taking my hand in hers. "Wait, let me clean your face up first."
She sighs, turning around and I run the pad of my thumb over her skin, fixing up the mascara streaks before blending her very full coverage foundation over it, like nothing had ever happened.
"You're beautiful, and you're better than both of them dickheads, okay?" I assure her and she sniffles, nodding. "You're as good as new. Now let's dance and forget about them."
"Thank you." She whispers, and I take her hand in mine.
After dancing for hours on end, playing stupid games; beer pong, never have I ever, truth or dare. Matt and I made Lauren forget all about Tyrone and his fucked-up self, as the drinks flowed between us.
As the night continued, I felt more comfortable, drinking more and more. I've probably surpassed my limit but right now, I don't care.
Matt is no longer here, he left at eleven with Kieran, and Hanna had gone home really early with Jack. I could have gone with them but honestly, I was having fun.
Right now, I'm having fun. Yeah, I'm slightly intoxicated, but having fun, nonetheless. I've been with Lauren for most of the night, but she's now with Tyrone's best friend, getting some pay back. I told her it was a bad idea, but she didn't listen. Not that Ty doesn't deserve it. Maybe, just maybe this will wake him up that she isn't just something to fuck about.
"Frankie!" A voice exclaims, and I frown turning around. Ugh, Shawn. You know slobber in his sleep, Shawn.
"Shawn, hi." I say, my voice slurring slightly.
"Hey beautiful, how are you?" He asks and I smile, leaning on the kitchen side.
"I'm great." I say, smiling like a lunatic. I'm stupid, and I'm going to regret acting like this tomorrow, that is if I remember.
He tucks his hands in his pocket before discreetly pulling a little baggie out, smiling at me. My insides stir... of excitement and anticipation. I'm too drunk to think about my actions before nodding.
That's when the night turned.
~~~~~
A/N
What's this, a new update. I feel bad because of the Wi-Fi connection but there is literally nothing I can do, so you'll get a spam of updates. This being the second one, and the third being later or tomorrow.
I hit 1k on this book the other day, and I'm now on 1.3k! That's crazy, thank you so much!
Life update: Spring has officially started, I guess. It's getting warmer and lighter outside, and I'm feeling more positive with that.
Question of the chapter:
What is your biggest achievement? Finishing a book.
Thank you for reading! Please comment your thoughts, vote by pressing the little star, and if you want, you can follow me too. Xx
3925 words!
~B
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