Stepping out of the shower, I grab the towel and wrap it around my body before flicking the bathroom light on, illuminating the room.

Looking in the mirror, I lift the towel further up my chest as I stare at my reflection, seeing shadows of the things I want to forget. I bring my hand up to my puffy cheeks, closing my bloodshot eyes, and letting out a sigh.

"I'm okay," I tell myself, "I'll be okay."

I bend down and wet my face in the sink, trying to hide the evidence of my breakdown moments prior before I unlock the door and tiptoe across the hall to Matt and I's room.

We're going to a party tonight; first night back and I'm already going out, so here I am getting ready. As soon as Hanna brought up the idea, I had in mind what I was going to wear; a baby blue dress that ends mid-thigh and hugs my curves in a way that makes me feel confident for once.

I have a lot of reasons to be insecure; my body isn't the beauty standard. Thick thighs, small tits, and big hips. But in this dress, I like how I look. I feel confident, a rare occasion.

Instead of heels, I push my foot into my Converse, choosing comfort over anything else. I slip on my black denim jacket that is like my safety blanket before grabbing my car keys from the bowl on the side.

"You're driving?" Lauren asks, shock evident in her tone. Usually, we just walk everywhere because alcohol and drugs are always involved when it comes to parties around me.

"Yeah, I'll pick it up when I'm on my morning run, tomorrow."

Matt raises his brows, "I don't believe you'll be awake before noon, missy. But you go with it."

Matt is right; sleep is my best friend. Well, it was. Now, not so much.

Driving is so calming to me. If I'm stressed, I drive. If I'm anxious, I drive. If I want to cry, I drive... and cry. I love being behind the wheel because even if your whole world is crashing down, you're still in control of one thing.

"You need a new car," Lauren kicks her legs up on Hanna's lap, who is laid out in the back seat. "And why is Matt in the front?"

"Okay, if you disrespect my car, you can get out and walk. And Matt is too tall to be in the back," I sigh.

"True," he mumbles.

The strong smell of marijuana hits my nostrils first, and then the smoke clouds around us. I slowly turn in my seat, to find Hanna with a joint between her lips. "At least open a window please."

Hanna balances the joint between her lips and rolls down the window. "Do you want a hit; you seem stressed and look like you need it?"

"Leave me the end for when we get there."

She's right, I need to chill out. Since arriving here, I haven't really relaxed or sat down. I've simply been occupying myself.

∞

The place where the party is being held isn't too far away, in fact we could have easily walked, but I'm a lazy bitch and I didn't particularly want to. I was too tired from today.

I pull up, parking on the curb. Amusement fills me when I notice the lawn is littered with red cups and beer bottles. The boys are going to have a lot of work tomorrow.

"Okay, pass me," I snap my fingers. Hanna chuckles, leaning and passing me the joint that still has a few good hits left.

Lauren pokes her head from the middle console, and I stifle a laugh. "So, why are you stressed?" she asks.

"I'm not," I take a hit, closing my eyes when I do. It's not that I'm stressed, it's that I'm adjusting back to normalcy, whatever that is. I'm not entirely sure anymore. "Okay, let's go. I'll finish this out there because my car wasn't made to be a large bong."

"It's a pretty good one, though," Matt argues. I smile over at him. "Okay, let's get our party on, girlies."

This is my life. On the weekends, I have my fair share of fun. I have a drink, occasionally get high, and stay clear of the male species altogether.

Throughout the week, partying is the last thing on the agenda, however, tonight is an exception since we don't have lectures yet. So, I'm going to enjoy this time before I'm racked with coursework and endless headaches.

"I'm going to find Tyrone. I'll catch up with you all in a bit." Lauren tells us. I fight the urge to roll my eyes at the mention of him.

Apparently, I didn't need to say anything because Matt does for me, "You're going to get hurt again when he tells you that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, he just wants casual. And we'll be left picking up the pieces of your broken heart. Can't you just fuck another guy?"

Well, I may have worded it a bit nicer.

"I've tried that... it didn't work."

I put my arm over her shoulder, and held out the joint, "Take the last hit, I think you need it more than me."

"I'm still sleeping with him, though. I haven't had sex since the last time I was here. I hate going home," she grumbles.

"Okay, guys, stop moping around, we're here to party!" Hanna jumps in front of us from out of nowhere, before turning towards Lauren, "Look, if you do sleep with stupid Ty, we'll all be here, but please don't have your hopes up; he's most likely the same fuck boy we've always known. And Frankie, come on: smile."

Giving her the satisfaction, I send her a wide and exaggerated smile.

We walk past a few younger college students, maybe freshers, one of whom starts whistling. In response, I raise my hand and give them the middle finger.

I hate the college guys here because all they ever want to do is fuck, drink and party. Well, so do I, but guys are shit at the former and they have no basic respect. I'm attracted to girls, too, though, so not all of my options are closed off.

Matt pulls me closer to him, and lowers his lips to my left ear, "I have your back tonight, don't worry about them." I'm grateful. It's not that I need someone to have my back, but with Matt next to me, not many guys come up to me. That makes my night much more enjoyable.

"Let's go. I'm in need of a vodka lemonade, best known as my best friend," I earn a scoff from Matt.

"I've learnt not to take offence at this point in our friendship."

"You know I love you, babe," I pat his cheek. He looks at me with an amused smile.

The front door is open, and people are standing on the large porch, holding red cups and chatting amongst themselves. I fill with excitement when we walk into a mass of dancing bodies. This is one place where I can truly do anything I want, and I can forget about anything that's happening in my life.

Before I bump into any of my other friends, I head straight to the kitchen for the drinks.

"What are you having?" I ask Matt, and he grabs a beer bottle out of the cooler. I guess that answers my question. "Cool. Now watch my cup while I get the lemonade."

"You're not getting too drunk tonight, right?" he asks, worry laced in his tone.

"Drunk enough to have fun, but not too drunk. Don't worry about me, Matt, I'm always safe." I say, my heart thudding as I put on a smile. I'm always safe except for the last time; that stupid fucking night.

"I'm glad," he says and I sigh, pouring my lemonade into the cup with a few shots of vodka in it. As soon as the new bottle is out of my hand, he wraps his around my wrist, making me look up at him. "What's up with you? Don't think I haven't noticed."

Again, my heart beats faster, getting scared, so I become defensive, "Matt, I don't know what you're talking about. I just want to have some fun and enjoy the night with you guys... minus Lauren because she loves Tyrone too much. You can be the overprotective, worrisome best friend, or you can be the fun one."

"Okay, bring your dancing shoes because we're going to go kick some ass on the dance floor," he says, spinning me around and I giggle, quickly grabbing my drink before he drags me out of the kitchen.

The 'dance floor' as he calls it, is actually the large living room. He wasn't wrong when he said we would kick some ass though because I can move.

I've missed this - dancing for no reason; drinking the night away; laughing with my friends again. It's weird to imagine how my life was a couple of years ago because I was such a different girl. I wouldn't be seen at a party; my head was always in books; trying to be a good girl. She's a stranger to me now. I literally said pass the vodka, this girl needs to live her life.

After a while of dancing together, I notice a guy staring; not at me; Matt, "A guy is staring behind you," I whisper in his ear, and he immediately turns around, so I whack his chest, "You don't look, idiot."

"How am I supposed to fantasise about him tonight, if I don't know what he looks like then?" he asks, and I laugh, peeking over his shoulder to get another glimpse of him.

"You could just say hello, he looks friendly enough, and then you might not need to fantasise tonight."

"He's most likely not gay. Every guy here is straight, I swear," he murmurs close to my ear, running his hands down my back.

"If you're trying to dance with me like this to get a reaction, you're playing the wrong game, it won't work," I say, laughing slightly and he gives me a look. "Oh, so you're touching my ass on purpose now? I thought I was the only bisexual here?"

"Shut up," he slaps my arse, and I stifle a laugh as he moves us around as we dance. I really don't know what his plan is here, but when his gaze lowers to my lips, the confusion only grows. I can't believe I'm witnessing this, he's such an idiot.

"If you dare kiss me, I will hit you," I warn, and he dips his head in my neck as he laughs.

"I want to see if he has a reaction, just anything that might make it seem like he's gay or bi. I need sex... you can get it easy. Me, on the other hand, very hard."

"Hey, I'm fat, it's not that easy."

"Oh, shush you, you're gorgeous."

"What about Liam?" I ask.

"He's a friend, I told you. I was just being stupid when I said we may have kissed. It's purely platonic, like us."

"That's why your hand is currently on my ass."

"Shut up or I'll squeeze it," he threatens, and I roll my eyes, creating some distance between us as I start to dance again. I look to my right where I see the guy looking discreetly at him every few seconds. "Okay, this is stupid. Just talk to him or I will."

"What about you? I'm not leaving you alone," he insists. And this is why he is my best friend.

"I'll find Hanna, she said she would be with Dani and Eloise. And I think some lame person will start a round of games soon anyhow; they're always stupid and entertaining," I tell him, smiling like an idiot.

Taking a sip of my drink, I watch him walk over to the mystery guy, seeing their first interaction and instantly the guy is laughing. I knew it.

"Boo!" someone exclaims from behind me, scaring me half to death as my heart thuds in my chest. I turn around to see Andie with her boyfriend Mason, a massive smile on her face. Andie is one of those friends I don't speak with much; we don't know each other really, we only hung out a few times last year, but she's pretty nice. Her boyfriend Mason is a dick, though; I've had countless suggestive messages from him on social media in the middle of the night which she knows about, but they're still together.

"Oh, hi. It's nice to see you again. How was your summer?" I ask, crossing my arms across my chest.

"It was beautiful; we went to the Bahamas together..." she goes on to tell me about her amazing summer, with the amazing weather, with her amazing boyfriend.

Quickly and politely, I dismiss myself from the conversation once she's finished telling me how great of a tan she got while sunbathing on a private white sand beach. It's not that I'm a bitch or that I'm not interested because I am, it's just that I get jealous easily, and my summer sucked more than I thought it could ever.

I'm still feeling somewhat buzzed from the little bit of the joint that I had but I'm not in any way high or drunk enough to enjoy this party. The music is surprisingly okay, people are dancing around me, and chatting, but frankly, I'm bored. I want to feel the thrill.

Am I just too depressed to enjoy things like this now?

After throwing back the remainder of my drink, I go on my search for Hanna. She's the wildest of our group and she's usually hanging around with the guys outside hoping to score some weed or cocaine, pills if she's lucky.

I'm just a girl that blends. I've slept with my fair share of people, not too many. I party, occasionally do drugs and drink. But I also read, I write and I'm also kind of a nerd more often than not. I'm neither popular nor am I in the background. I think that's why I like college so much. There aren't any cliques or groups you immediately get categorised into. You're simply just... you.

"Frankie!" Shawn drapes his arm over my shoulder, and I immediately shrug it off. I'm not in the mood to deal with this.

"What do you want?" I ask, knowing that he's following behind me into this kitchen. My patience is thin when it comes to this dude.

"Come on, don't be like that. We had a good time, let's do it again. What do you say?" he pleads.

Turning towards him, I stop and see that he is serious, which makes me laugh. Like actually laugh. "Oh Shawn. I say no. And you can't change my mind."

"Are you sure?" he asks, discreetly pulling a little baggie of white powder out of his jean pocket.

"Nope, I'm sorry, but no." I say, pouring some more lemonade into my drink, and he stuffs the bag back in his pocket.

He sighs, staring at me like a lost puppy, "Fine, but you still have my number, yes?" he asks, and I nod even though I've got a new phone since we hooked up.

"Look, I, um... I need to find Hanna. Do you know if she's with Jack or Wes?" I ask, knowing that is who she's most likely with.

"Yeah, she's with them both, around the little fire out back."

Stepping out of the door into the chilly air, I tug on my jacket sleeves. Directing my eyes straight to the fire pit, I see Hanna leaning on Jack, and Wes kissing Eloise.

"Okay, I'm about to be the fifth wheel here, but I simply don't care," I climb over the wooden benches, before taking my seat between Hanna and Jack.

"The fun has arrived," Wes muses and I flash him a toothy grin.

"Hi, Frankie," Eloise shyly waves and I smile at her, a genuine one.

"Where is everyone?" Hanna asks.

"Matt is with a guy. Lauren is still with Ty. So, I came out here. Oh, but before I did, Shawn offered me a bag of cocaine if I had sex with him again." I inform the group, and both of the guys burst out laughing.

"Please tell me you said no," Jack says.

"Of course, I'm not that desperate, Jesus. Why would I have sex with a weeper who can't make a girl cum, when I have you and I can get it for nothing." I say and he chuckles pulling me into his side.

"I wouldn't be opposed to having sex with you. I bet you're amazing in bed," he says with a smirk. I scoff, pushing his shoulder which makes him fall off the bench. "That was a compliment!" he exclaims, lying his head back on the grass.

"Sure it was." I roll my eyes. I direct my attention over to Wes, "So, what've you got?" I don't need drugs or alcohol to have a good time, I really don't, but I'm simply not having fun here, my head is a mess. I use drugs maybe once a month, I don't abuse them.

"Nothing... for you."

"I'll pay." I pout.

"You know it's got nothing to do with the money, 'Chesca. Drink all you want, but I'm not dealing to you."

"Why did we become friends with the dealers again?" I whisper to Hanna and she giggles, lying her head on my shoulder.

Jack and Wes are more like my brothers whereas Matt is my best friend. These boys will protect me and do anything to keep me out of trouble, however Matt is most likely the one getting in trouble with me.

It's weird how fast friendships accumulate in college. As roommates Matt, Hanna, Lauren and I were friends instantly. On our first night, we watched Grown Ups and ate pizza, getting to know each other. With Jack and Wes, they just gradually started hanging out at parties; they're the nicest straight guys I've met.

"Okay, so what can we do?" I ask, sounding like a needy child.

"How about we play a little game called 'truth or dare'?" Wes suggests.

Truth or dare is no longer a children's game. The questions once like 'Do you have a crush?' are now like, 'Did you really fuck that guy in the hot tub?'

Those are purely examples. To clear up, I have not had sex in a hot tub.

"I'm down, but we need more people," I tell him, tugging my jacket tight because it's fucking freezing.

"How about we go into the living room? I think we're all cold, and whenever we play this here, it always ends up awful," Eloise chirps up, snuggled into Wes' side with his jacket loosely draped over her shoulder.

"I agree, let's go sunshine," Jack says, holding out his hand for me.

"Shut up," I stand before jumping over the wooden bench, ignoring his willing hand.

"Has anyone ever called you a rude bitch before?" he remarks and I giggle under my breath as I head for the door.

∞

Sitting on the sofa with another drink, I feel happier. I haven't been out of the house all summer and hearing about people's lives is entertaining me.

People have already taken turns including me, and we've already found out that Carlie Turner is no longer a virgin. The last time we played this, she was asked this very question but the answer was much different.

"Okay... Italian girl," Harry refers to me, his curly hair falling in front of his eyes a little.

"Truth," I say, taking a sip of my drink.

"Whom in this room have you slept with? Or give us a number," he asks, and I groan looking around at the people here.

"Three."

"And which of the three was worse?"

"First of all, that's two questions. But if you want to be amused, I'd have to say you." I flash him my best smile, even though he was probably the best out of the three.

The room fills with hollers and laughter, only making me feel better and I see his cheeks heat up, "Shut up, Fran."

"You asked for it," I defend myself, lying my head on Jack's shoulder.

Questions go around. People choose 'truth' more than 'dare' though, so to stir things up a little more, I choose it next.

"I dare you to go into your phone and prank call the last person you last rang," Ella dares me, and my heart drops. It thuds against my chest, for the umpteenth time today, paining me. This was a bad idea, a really bad idea.

"No, I'm not," I shake my head, reaching for the massive bottle of tequila.

She raises her brows with a stupid smile on her face, "Why?" she asks, and I shrug my shoulders taking a swig from the bottle, the contents burning my throat slightly. "Okay fine, so you forfeit and choose truth?"

"Sure," I say, slurring my words only slightly. I haven't had too much to drink, but it's definitely starting to affect me.

"Why wouldn't you tell us who you rang last? Is it an ex, a hookup, a-" she starts listing these things, after seeing that I'm clearly uncomfortable.

"I just told you I'm not answering your stupid fucking question, so stop being a pushy bitch," I don't raise my voice, I keep my anger at bay before storming out of there.

Why do people have to be like that? She knew that I didn't want to answer that question yet she kept on going. My breathing starts to pick up, my heart drumming against my chest, and I close my eyes, leaning on the porch railing.

In and out. Just breathe.

"Francesca, wait," Jack says, and I turn around to see him with his hands stuffed in his pockets. "What was that in there?"

"I don't know. I just..." I groan in frustration. I just want to scream. I want to cry. I want to escape this. I need a break. He places his hands on my shoulders, and I sigh looking up at him. "Jack, I need something, anything."

"Fuck sake, Fran. What do you want?" 

~~~~~

A/N

The first three episodes of this book are completely edited, Francesca is mid-size in my head but in the original draft she wasn't written as so! If there is any description of her body further into the book, I need to clear it up!

I just wanted to put in here that drugs aren't going to be a MASSIVE part of her life. It won't be in this book much, only occasionally.

I'm so excited to get into this book because I'm already in love with these characters.

I hope you all stay on this journey!

Thank you for reading! Please comment your thoughts, vote by pressing the little star, and if you want, you can like follow me too. Xx

~B