This story is a work of fiction. Names, places, events similar with others are purely coincidental.

Please don't copy and distribute without the permission of the author.

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Trepidation

Fear

Fright

Anxiety

" Natatakot ka ba?"

Kunot ang noo niya nang itanong sa akin 'yan.

I laughed at him. I tried to.

" Hindi. Bakit naman?"

I rejected the idea.

Pero deep inside me, I was wondering.

Did he knew?

Can he read my mind?

Is it written in my face?

Is it in my eyes?

Sa mga actions ko kaya?

Can he see through me?

Paano niya natanong 'yon?

I was this little girl building her own dreams.

Kakatapos ko lang noon ng high school. Katatapos lang namin.

Nagsisimula pa lang akong pumili ng daang tatahakin ko.

Ano nga ba ang kukunin ko bilang course? I want to take what's indemand. 'Yung madaling makakahanap ng trabaho kapag graduate na. 'Yung malaki ang pasweldo.

I will be the bread-winner of my family kapag nagkataon.

Si Ate.

Siya dapat ang unang aabot ng mga pangarap namin. She was the hope of the family. She's beautiful, kind, and smart.

Sobrang tiningala siya nila Papa at Mama when she's still studying. Marami siyang nakukuhang awards kaya hindi nakakapagtakang maraming nag-offer na eskwelahan sa kanya noong magka-college siya.

It was well back then. Naging maayos ang pag-aaral niya hanggang second semester.

Until one day, napapansin naming nawawalan na siya ng ganang pumasok at mag-aral.

Her grades are falling.

Pinilit nila Mama na kausapin si Ate noon kung anong problema. Walang sinabi si Ate.

She said she's just tired of being the perfect child in the family.

Inayos namin yun. We tried.

Not until one day, umuwi si Ate na umiiyak. We asked her kung anong nangyari pero dinaanan niya lang kami. Dire-diretso siya sa loob ng kwarto niya. Hindi siya lumalabas.

Pinalipas namin ang buong gabi. Kinaumagahan umamin siya.

She's pregnant.

Nag-iyakan kami. I don't know. I'm not sure kung masaya ba dahil may bagong part ng family o malungkot dahil si Ate..hindi na matutuloy sa pag-abot ng kanyang pangarap.

She said pwede pa siyang magpatuloy sa school.

But she wants to kill her child.

Nalaman 'yon ng lalaking nakabuntis sa kanya. I can say that he's a good guy kasi pinigilan niya si Ate. Pinili niyang panagutan ang bata. Sinabi niya din na titira na si Ate sa kanila. And kung may pagkakataon na, kung may pera na sila, they can get married.

I am somehow happy. Wala na ang pressure na binibigay nila Mama kay Ate about achieving her dreams. Mas makakapagpahinga na siya. No need to exhaust herself all night to read her books. No need to wake up early to attend to school.

She failed.

I shouldn't.

I am the next hope of the family.

'Yun din ang dahilan kung bakit ako natatakot.

I should study. Focus on my goal. Concentrate. No distractions.

I never had a crush. I was busy at school. Walang oras para magsaya at mag-enjoy.

Until I met this one guy.

Makulit siya. He asked me many times kung pwede daw bang manligaw.

This is 21st century. Hindi dapat tinatanong ang panliligaw. It should be done.

Pero salamat na lang din at hindi niya 'yon alam. Dahil I can always say no to him.

Dumating yung time na naamin ko sa sarili kong gusto ko na nga siya. Pero kahit anong gawin niyang effort, wala akong maibibigay. I surely can give it but I shouldn't.

My priorities are clear. He's not in the pile.

Kahit anong banat niya, kahit anong pagpapakilig, kahit anong kulit, kahit na gustong-gusto ko siya. I just can't admit it.

Dumating 'yung time na nagiging demanding na kami sa isa't-isa. Dapat may time kahit busy. Dapat sinasabi lahat ng ginagawa o gagawin.

I like it.
But it was against my plan.

Wala sa plano ko ang magkaroon ng relasyon. We're still young anyway.

Pwedeng hindi naman pala kami sa ending. Baka temporary lang pala ang nararamdaman ko. O kaya baka mawawala din ang nararamdaman niya para sa akin pagdating ng araw.

What if I chose the wrong path?

What if it will be my greatest mistake?

I need to study. My family needs me. Utang ko sa kanila ang lahat. They made me as I am today.

Kailangang ibalik ko muna ang lahat ng nagawa nila para sa akin.

Sacrifices.

" Natatakot ka ba?"

Tanong niya sa akin matapos ng ilang beses na rejections.

Gusto ko sanang magmaang-maangan na hindi ko alam ang sinasabi niya. I would probably say, ' Natatakot saan?' and I would laugh kahit wala namang nakakatawa.

But something came into my mind. Iisang bagay lang.

Takot nga ba akong magmahal?

" Hindi. Bakit naman?"

Oo.

Inaamin ko.

I was afraid.

Afraid of falling inlove.

Afraid of getting hurt.

Afraid to lose everything.

Afraid to surrender.

Afraid of my own rules.

Afraid of all the commitments and responsibilities.

I overthinked.

Too many what ifs.

Paano na lang kung may away kami?

Baka ma-distract ako. Mawala sa focus. Masira ang pag-aaral.

Kailangan may load palagi para may contact. Ubos pera. Ubos allowance. Walang panggawa ng project. Di makakabayad ng tuition sa school.

Paano na lang kapag may celebration? Kailangan may gifts, budget sa preparations, pera pang-date.

Hindi pa ako nagtatrabaho. Hindi pa ako kumikita ng pera. Galing lahat ng pera sa mga magulang ko.

Can I waste that for my own will and sake?

I thought too much about the future. I tried to make him a part of it. I want him to.

Natatakot akong masira ang tiwala ng mga magulang ko.

Natatakot akong baka magawa ko din ang mga nagawa ni Ate.

Baka mangyari sa akin ang nangyari kay Ate.

Ako ang inaasahan nila Papa at Mama.

Ako dapat ang magpapaaral sa dalawa ko pang kapatid.

Natatakot akong baka mawala ako sa plano. Baka lumihis.

Baka makagawa ako ng isang maling galaw o desisyon na ikasisira ko.

It might be the one that will make me suffer hard.

I should be wise.

But then inisip ko kung tugma ba ang mga pangarap namin. I want to be an Engineer. He want to settle with Agriculture Business since they have the lot.

I was hoping he'll change his mind. Maybe he should take Architecture instead or after his course. May koneksiyon din naman. Pwedeng sa landscaping or baka makatulong sa pagko-convert ng mga lupain.

I dreamed of us as a team.

Hibang na nga talaga ako.

I imagined him driving me to work and fetching our kids at school.

I imagined myself cooking our breakfast, feeding him and our children, preparing their things and fixing his tie.

Nakakaiyak lang na masyado na pala akong nag-iisip.

I went too far.

Alam ko naman ang magiging ending.

Walang ganon.

We'll go separate ways since we'll study in different school.

He'll meet someone else.

I will too.

Way better than me.

Way better than him.

And I guess I'm right.

After how many months na puro phone lang ang communication, bigla na lang tumigil.

I don't know what's in the wind na naging ganito ang kinahinatnan.

Alam kong ganito ang dulo. I expected it. Pero masakit pala na talaga ngang nangyari.

Bigla na lang nawala. Without explanations. Without goodbyes. Without the closure.

Ano nga bang karapatan ko?

We don't have the label.

At least I'm still lucky I can continue my life.

I missed him.

I miss him na umabot na sa puntong nakaka-depress na. Madaming ideya ang pumapasok sa utak ko kung ano nga bang nangyari. Kung bakit bigla siyang nawala.

Did he lost his patience?
But he said maghihintay siya hanggang okay na ang lahat sa akin?

Maybe he's not that inlove and genuine to his words. Baka akala ko lang sobrang lakas ng nararamdaman niya na hindi basta-basta nawawala at nababali?

Baka mahina lang pala at madaling mapatid ang tali?

But life goes on. I should not lose my track.

I got myself busy until I finally graduated.

I got my license. Projects came rushing kahit na nagsisimula pa lang ako noon.

Naging masaya ang lahat.

I gave my family a house. Ako mismo ang humawak ng project na yun. It was my project and my gift to my parents and to myself.

I'm done with all the hard stuff.

But I was wrong.

Sobrang taas ko kaya sobrang sakit ng pagbagsak.

I saw him with his girl in a party. They were laughing and drinking. They were happy.

Kung kailan handa na akong harapin at balikan siya.

He slipped away.

Of course. You let it happened.
You lose the contact, Idiot!

When I was little until now, I actually believe that if you're destined to be with that person, you will end up together. It will make its way. No matter what.

But I guess, he's not really for me?

The hell?

He's a great guy.

I got wasted that night.

Pagkagising ko nasa loob ako ng isang kwarto.

Messy hair.

No clothes.

Bloodstain in the white bed.

I'm all fucked up.

I cried.

I just lost myself.

I could just lose myself with the one I love before without all this success than lose it with some random guy I just fucking met.

Like what the hell!?

Isang gabi lang iyon.

Isang gabi na sumira ng ilang taon kong pagtitiis at paghihirap.

Tangina.

Bakit nangyari sa akin 'to?

Bakit ang pabaya ko?

Kinuha ko ang kumot at itinakip ito sa katawan ko.

Pinasok ko ang isang pinto trying to find the comfort room.

Iyon nga iyon.

Naghanap ako ng toothbrush. Gladly my exta doon sa cabinet.

Sobra ang nginig ng mga kamay ko habang naglalagay ng toothpaste sa brush.

Nahulog pa nga ang ilan sa lababo.

Mabilis at marahas kong nilinisan ang loob ng bibig ko.

This is rape, right?

Ano 'yon? Pumayag na lang akong makipag-sex sa taong hindi ko naman kilala?

Hindi ako ganoong klase ng babae.

I can see the blood coming from my mouth. Nagkasugat-sugat na ito.
But I don't really care. Gusto ko lang linisin ang katawan ko.

My eyes are blurry habang tinititigan ko ang sarili sa salamin.

I just realize something.

I remember what he asked me before.

" Natatakot ka ba?"

Trepidation.

And I cried hard 'til I drained myself.

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