Written by StephanieProchaska

Cannons boomed, planks shuddered.

"Captain!" someone shouted.

Sam looked up. He thought about shaking his head to get the fogginess from his skull, but his insides were roiling, and he didn't think that was a good idea. There was enough mess on the floor already.

"Captain!"

"Ugh..." Sam said, as authoritatively as he could. He'd hoped to be a little more coherent during battle, but here he was. Getting knocked to the deck'll it every time, he mused. Still, it probably wouldn't hurt for him to close his eyes just a second longer, to calm his pounding head.

When he finally opened his eyes, his quartermaster, Cuddy, was leaning over him. Sam wasn't sure he liked the look on his face.

"We've already split the loot." Cuddy said gruffly.

Had they? How long was he out?

"Oh. Right." Sam nodded, pulling himself to his feet.

Rubbing his hands together, he looked around. He was below deck with his quartermaster, the irritating cannoneer Finn, and some small cabin boy Sam didn't recognize. They must have made port and the rest had disembarked. He guessed he could live with that. He turned back to Cuddy.

"So, what've we got?"

There were some grumbles, but overall he was ignored. Was that any way to treat a captain? Something was clearly wrong. He glared around, not willing to lower himself to asking.

"Well, while you were napping during battle, we secured all the loot onboard that ship." Finn said finally.

Sam glared at the accusation but let the man continue.

"All told, each crewman received six silver ducats, three golden reales, and one pound of flour." Cuddy grumbled.

Sam just stared at him, trying to comprehend.

"It wasn't a merchant ship."

Oh. Well, that was definitely a problem. Still, he couldn't let a little thing like that slow him down. What would his loyal men think?

"I have another job." Sam grinned. "I was saving it, but I think now's the time. Gather the crew— I'll tell you all about it."

"We are the crew." Finn snapped. That brought Sam up short.

"You're...what?"

"This," Finn said, gesturing around the room. "Is the entirety of your crew."

"What? The three of you?"

Had things really gone that poorly? Though if he was honest, it was difficult to remember the last good raid they'd had. He guessed he could see why some of the men might be a bit unhappy.

"And Pickles." the cabin boy announced, pointing. Sam didn't even bother to turn. His whole crew had left him, and this boy was pointing out that at least they still had that infernal parrot?

"Who could forget Pickles?" Sam mumbled, sighing. "Be that as it may, I've got a new job— one that'll land us in the history books for certain."

"And what new job could you possibly have before we even get off the ship?" Cuddy asked skeptically.

"There's a place not far from here— a bottomless pit filled with diamonds. It even connects right to the sea. All we have to do is sail up and take it." Sam started nodding, a conspiratorial grin on his face. "Eh? What do you say?"

"Yes, sir!" the cabin boy spoke up instantly.

"And you're just now telling us about this?" Cuddy asked.

"Well, I wanted to save it for my most loyal crewmen." Sam said. Cuddy scoffed.

"And all these diamonds are just sitting there, all by their lonesome? Why's no one taken them before?" Finn asked. He didn't believe Sam any more than Cuddy did. But his greed was legendary; he wouldn't pass up the chance.

"Well...there is a guard, of sorts." Sam admitted.

"A single guard?" Cuddy asked. "What kind of guard?"

"Ever heard of a Grootslang?"

"No."

"Perfect." Sam beamed. "It's just a small snake that lives on a rock in the middle of the pit. We'll be fine."

"How small?" Cuddy asked. Fifty feet. Could swallow a man whole. But did they really need to worry about that just now?

"Tiny." Sam assured him, spreading his hands out only a few feet apart.

"Venomous?" Cuddy asked. Sam had no idea.

"I think it's more like a boa." he said finally. "With diamonds for eyes."

"Diamonds for eyes?" the cabin boy asked, his own growing wide.

"Yep." Sam nodded.

"Then how can it see?" Cuddy wanted to know.

"I have no idea." Sam sighed. "When we capture it, you can find out for yourself."

"A snake with diamond eyes would be worth almost as much as the diamonds in its pit..." Finn mused. A slow grin started forming on his face, and Sam knew he had him. They resupplied— a surprisingly easy feat for four men and a parrot— and set off the next day.

When they finally arrived at the pit, it was larger than even Sam had anticipated. It was the size of a small lake and filled almost to the brim with the biggest diamonds he'd ever seen. Sam motioned everyone to be quiet, getting out the fishing net they'd recently acquired.

"Snakes don't have ears." Cuddy replied. Sam didn't care; he wasn't taking chances.

They approached the edge, almost crawling. No snake. Sam stretched his fingers out, pulling a few diamonds towards him. The shores remained calm. Greedily, he started shoving anything that would fit into his pockets. His miniscule crew did the same.

They stood up to leave, pockets bulging and belts straining under the weight of jewels, when the Grootslang finally made an appearance. Sam had heard the thing was big, but the stories didn't do it justice. It spilled out of its cave, coiling up on the small rocky island that suddenly seemed way too close for comfort. It flicked its tongue out, tasting the air, looking for them.

"Look at those eyes!" Finn gasped. "Diamonds the size of my fist!"

He grabbed part of the net, helping Sam spread it. They cast it perfectly across the diamond pit, ensnaring the serpent's head. The Grootslang hissed, immediately diving into the safety of its endless diamonds. The crew struggled valiantly, but they were no match for the giant snake.

Of course this didn't work, Sam thought to himself as he sank into the pit. There was a reason he was known as the worst captain in the west.