Raven

My fingers were trembling.

I attempted to read, but my stare went straight through the paper. He'd slipped from the room several minutes ago, leaving enough of that tension behind to keep me from doing much else than fidgeting. I hadn't meant to tell him about my lack of family. I hadn't meant to talk to him much at all, but that cursed letter had made me forget my promises. Or rather, his reaction to it. For the first time, he'd shown some interest.

That attention had been a physical thing, a commanding force that I couldn't begin to describe. It would not do. It was pure stupidity to sink into some kind of infatuation for the man. No matter how arresting, I could not think of him that way.

***

It was hours later that Madeleine found me. "Sweetie, are you still hiding in here?"

"I'm working." The lie was moderately believable, or would have been if not for the darkness around me. I hadn't even noticed.

She turned on the lights, strolled further into the room, and paused to glance at the walls. "I thought it was dangerous in here, and yet you've been cooped up for hours. You're supposed to be the responsible one."

Choosing to ignore that statement, I began to shelve some of the books I'd checked earlier. I'd been trying to find out more about the man who had corresponded with Charles I, but if there were more letters, they hid elsewhere. "What time is it?"

"Late. So, Ash was here, I presume." She looked at me as if my face alone would answer that question.

This was dangerous territory, not least because Madeleine already seemed to have guessed my feelings. Avoiding the question would doubtless make it worse. "Yes, he was here."

"You two are adorably awkward around each other. I wish I'd been here. Next time when I tell him where you're hiding, I'll be sure to sneak by."

A second passed when nothing happened, nothing at all. In fact, I couldn't move, which meant the book I'd been sliding onto the shelf didn't budge an inch.

"Awe, do you want me to stop teasing, love?" Madeleine stepped closer, not stopping until she could against the wall. "You know it's none of my business, right?"

"There's nothing to tease me for," I replied. Another lie that rang false even as I said it.

"Sure there isn't." She ended on a chuckle. "He's too old for you anyway, and he's not really a catch unless you want to be kicked out of bed the day after."

I was about to defend his age when I realised that was beyond foolish. "I'm not exactly aiming for his bed, Madeleine."

"There you go then. Want to tell me what you've found today? Anything juicy?"

I'd received the same question at the end of every day this week. She'd realised I was reading old letters and had taken a great interest into old scandals of the Demalier family. So far I'd allowed her to read a few, and even though I should have been ashamed to admit it, I quite enjoyed our evening chats.

"I'll only tell you if there's tea involved." My stomach was rumbling after hours of neglect.

"There's always tea, love." She smiled, took my arm, and pulled me from the room.

The last few evenings, Ash and Randy had been to the pub by themselves, taking James with them if he was in the house. I still hadn't seen the man more than a few times, and I had the distinct impression that he disliked company, perhaps more so than I. Therefore, it wasn't a great shock to find the kitchen empty.

Madeleine put on the kettle and searched the cupboards for something to nibble on. She shot me a look over her shoulder. "Come on then, tell me all the gossip."

"The family had contact with king Charles I before the civil war, although I don't know if that is the kind of gossip you're after."

"Oooh, royalty. So you reckon he's been here to the house? The king I mean?"

"He might have been, although I don't know how much he traveled. He wasn't a particularly popular king." That was an understatement. The man had been convicted of high treason and subsequently lost his head, after all.

"So there is scandal in all of this?"

"Possibly." I found some leftovers from lunch in the fridge, smiling when I noticed Randy hadn't finished off the meatloaf despite his usual ravenous appetite.

"And did you tell Ash about this?" She was fishing again, I could tell.

"Yes, he came by shortly after I'd found the letter."

"What did he say?"

I smiled before I could stop myself.

"Hold up. Raven, you have to tell me. I won't let you wiggle your way out of this one." She got this stern streak across her forehead when she used that tone. I had all of her attention now.

"He joked about royalty, that's all."

The kettle whistled, giving me a chance to flee Madeleine's intense scrutiny. "What about your day? Did you meet your friend last night?"

She pushed her cup across the table to place it next to mine. I poured both while I waited for her to continue. When she did, I regretted that decision. "You two are like peas in a pod. Ash asked me the same earlier. Apparently both of you think you can live vicariously through me, and I'm here to tell you it's better if the two of you could just sneak across the hall and be done with it. I mean, you practically share bedrooms, and still you're asking about my sex life."

Blood rushed to my brain, making an awful fuss in there--nothing but waves and white noise.

"Oh, don't give me those eyes." She cocked her head to the side and took my hand across the table. "I didn't mean to scare you off. And, you're right. If you're thinking that I change my mind faster than the speed of light, I won't blame you."

She had told me mere minutes earlier that Ash was both too old and too capricious, or perhaps his behavior was better described as promiscuous. I wasn't sure.

"However," she held up her other hand like a stop sign, "I think you'd be good for him. He needs someone who is not falling all over themselves to get his ass. He needs a challenge, and here you are, all cute and stern at the same time. I bet you don't let guys walk all over you."

I had no way of sorting through all that in a reasonable time. I latched on to the last sentence. "That's..." I meant to say that she was right, for my own protection, but I was tired of lying. "That's not true."

She blinked twice. "What part?"

To stall, I sipped from my cup, almost burning my tongue in the process.

"I'm not teasing anymore, Raven. Do you want to tell me what you meant?" She must have noticed that I wasn't in a teasing mood at all.

I steeled myself, pushing out the words that had been lodged in my throat for far too long. "Freddie walked all over me, so that's not true."

"Tell me where he lives and I'll kill him." She gave me a small smile as my lips twitched.

"I haven't told you anything yet." Somehow, even though she'd teased at a moment when most would have simply listened, I could only feel gratitude. Maybe she was right that it was better to talk about things and laugh if you could. I desperately wanted to learn how to laugh about what had happened.

"Doesn't matter. If he hurt you, he deserves a good wallop, at the very least." After a moment of silence, she squeezed my hand, which I took as a sign to continue.

"We met at University. He was in one of my classes, and I think I fell for him from that first day. He's attractive and he talks to everyone as though they matter. He's quite lovely, actually." My throat clogged at the memory of his laughter. "I couldn't believe he wanted to bring me to the pub, but he insisted. Then he sat by my side, included me in every conversation. I'd never received that amount of attention before." Even sighing was painful.

"He does sound rather dreamy, but something must have happened, otherwise you wouldn't sit here with me making death threats."

"For two years, I spent most of my spare hours with him. I thought I was the luckiest man in the world, and even if he was telling me all these things that I could do better, I thought he wanted to help me improve." My sinuses ached with the tension of unshed tears.

Madeleine eventually filled the silence. "That sounds no good, love. Not at all."

"I eventually found him in bed with another. I meant to leave right away, but he convinced me to stay. He said that it was the modern way, and that I couldn't expect monogamy from anyone." I forced myself to look into her eyes because this was the hardest part. "And I believed him."

Madeleine breathed slowly, deliberately as if she was close to exploding. My instincts nudged me to back off, to get away from her anger, but she held me firm. "What happened next?"

"I stayed. I've always dreamed of a large family, and for those years, he was part of that dream. I couldn't let him go, so I tried. I held on, but he couldn't stand being constrained. He said he loved me, but after a while I started to listen to what he actually said apart from that." Our last conversation rang in my head, pounding against my temples. "He thought I held him back, that I was needy and unfair. He told me that I would never find anyone who would accept me for who I am if I didn't change."

"Now I definitely want to kill him," she said, her voice laced with a note of viciousness I hadn't thought her capable of. "No one gets to say that to you, Raven, do you hear me?"

I did hear her, but I couldn't respond, I was far too busy trying to keep myself in check. And I definitely couldn't laugh. Not yet.

As if on cue, laughter echoed along the corridor outside--three voices, three pair of boots.

Madeleine glanced at the open door. "They're back early." She rose and placed herself in the doorway as a physical barrier and I'd never been more grateful in my life.

From the corner of my eye, I saw movement, then a flash of silver streaked hair. "What are you all angry about, Mads?" His voice, nothing like Freddie's.

"You don't get to hurt him, Ash. I won't let you, you hear me?"

"What, who?"

I glanced toward the doorway, inevitably drawn to the call of a siren. Our gazes locked. His was piercing, intense to the point of madness.

Mads soured. "No, Ash. I won't let this happen. I've changed my mind."

Ash shook his head and stared at Madeleine. "What have I done?"

"Nothing. It's about what you'll do. I know you, Ash. Stay away from Raven or I swear I'll skin you slowly."

My heart couldn't take this assault. I was torn between the relief that she was defending me and the pain of her words. Again. She'd just confirmed that there was yet another man who wouldn't give me what I desperately wanted. Another man that was not for me.

I couldn't hear his response, or perhaps I simply didn't want to hear it.

A/N Okay so this turned into a major angst fest. I've stopped holding back...there's clearly no use trying to keep this light. Anyway, this is what happens when I don't plan and just write :) Freddie wasn't meant to come into the story until later, but I figured this was a good place for it. Also, this turns interesting because now Mads is working against them!!