Instrument

"Ayaw mo talaga pumunta sa bahay?" Daing ni Clarisse sa akin habang nag liligpit kami ng gamit.

Katatapos lang ng klase namin at biyernes kaya inaaya niya ako pumunta sa kanila pero tulad ng pag tanggi ko sa dalawang linggo na nag daan ay umiling ako.

"I am sorry, Clang. Kina Tita Linette ako nag se-stay ngayon. May movie night kami mamaya." Pinilit kong ngumiti sa bestfriend ko.

Dismayado niya akong tinignan at bigong tumango sa akin habang pinagpapatuloy niya ang pag-aayos ng kanyang mga gamit.

I couldn't find the courage to be brave, go to their house, and risk to see Koa...

Pagkatapos ng nakita namin noon sa cafe, two weeks ago, noong napagdesisyunan kong mag paalam sa kanya sa kalagitnaan ng pag-uusap namin, ay buong lakas ko siyang iniwasan.

Alam kong naiintindihan niya. Naalala ko pa ng klaro kung paano niya sundan ang paningin ko hanggang matagpuan niya kung saan ako nakatingin, kung anong dahilan ng pag luha ko, at naalala ko kung paano humigpit ang hawak niya sa akin.

Kilala niya ang mga magulang ko. Alam niya kung sino ang nakita namin. Sana nga hindi nalang... pero bilang bestfriend ko ang pinsan niya ay ilang beses na rin niya silang nakita. At alam niyang hindi ang mama ko ang kasama ng papa ko.

I wanted to fool myself and convince my mind to reason out, na baka colleague lang iyon, kasama sa trabaho o kung sino man na may koneksyon sa propesyunal na paraan, pero hindi ko maloloko ang sarili ko gayong kitang kita ang pag lingkis, tamis at halos magyakapan silang dalawa... sa loob ng coffee shop na 'yon.

I didn't know what to do...

There I was... with the man... I adore so much...

And just a few feet from us— was also the man... I grew up wanting to adore... because he's my father...

Yet aside from betrayal and world crashing sadness seeping through my veins, I felt... so exposed and embarrassed in front of him.

I feel like... he saw a glimpse of the darkest part of our home... that nobody else gets to see.

Buong buhay kong tinatakbuhan ang problema ng pamilya ko. I never thought about it so much because I grew up seeing and hearing them fight a lot, at iyon na ang nakasanayan ko. Sa sobrang pagkasanay ko ay pakiramdam ko, may mas mali kapag sobrang tahimik ng bahay namin.

Iyon ang normal para sa akin.

Pero... ang makita ang rason ng pinagaawayan nila ay... sobra-sobra para sa aking puso.

That's why I politely asked him that we leave...

I saw him hesitate but... I was too deep with embarrassment that I was shaking. And being the good man he is, he honored my wish...

Nag sabi ako na mag ta-taxi o grab nalang pero hindi niya ako hinayaan. Hindi na ako nakipag talo dahil ayaw tumigil ng mga luha ko at ayoko ng marinig niya pa ang mga hikbi ko. Kaya kurot-kurot ko ang sarili ko habang nasa loob ng sasakyan niya, pinipigilan ang sarili ko makagawa ng ingay habang lumuluha lang ng tahimik.

I felt him held my hand to stop me from pinching myself but when he heard me whimpered and sobbed, he let me go...

I couldn't accept what I saw.

Sana hindi ko nalang nakita...

It was too much for me...

Sana panaginip nalang ang lahat...

Questions flooded my brain. Hindi ako handa sa nakita ko. Ang daming pumapasok sa isip ko.

Sasabihin ko ba sa mama ko? Anong mangyayari kapag sinabi ko? Dapat ba kumuha ako ng litrato? I should have a proof right? Bakit nagawa iyon ng papa ko? All this time na lumalaki akong nag aaway sila palagi dahil sa mga paratang ni mama ay ibig sabihin totoo lahat ng sinasabi niya... na may ibang babae si papa? Isa lang ba o marami pang iba? Paano niya iyon nagawa? Hindi ba sila nahihiya? Kahit sa mataong lugar ay parang wala lang sa kanila...?

Para magawa iyon ni papa... parang wala na siyang respeto kay mama...

Dapat ba ay inaway ko siya? Dapat ba ay inaway ko rin ang babae? I should have, right? To atleast... defend my mother's honor.

Kapag sinabi ko kay mama ang nakita ko, ano ng mangyayari? Mag hihiwalay na ba sila? Kapag nangyari iyon... kanino ako sasama? Will I have a say on it? A part of me knows I won't leave my mama, pero kakayanin ba ni papa mag isa? He won't be alone right? He has his mistress...

Hindi ko maintindihan... wala akong maintindihan...

My young heart couldn't deal with it...

At hindi ko rin siya kayang makita, hindi ko rin kayang harapin si mama habang hindi ko pa alam ang gagawin ko, kaya naman nang mahatid ako ni Koa noong araw na iyon ay nag paalam ako kay mama na mag se-stay muna ako sa bahay ng auntie ko, kapatid niya.

Nag dahilan ako na mas malapit ang bahay ng auntie ko sa university at ilang linggo akong magiging abala sa research at projects namin kaya mas maganda na roon muna ako.

My mama is very kind and she will do everything to make things easier for me, kaya naman agad niyang tinawagan ang auntie ko at pinagpaalam ang pag dalaw ko roon. Walang anak ang auntie at uncle ko, the heavens haven't blessed them yet, kaya naman gustong gusto nilang dumadalaw ako roon. That made it easier.

Hindi ako nakapagpaalam ng personal kay papa, I only left him a message...

I couldn't face him. I don't know how longer I can pretend... I am not even sure if I want to pretend...

My first night at my auntie's house was a painful one. It was like all the adrenaline after seeing my papa's infidelity, asking for permission to stay away, having another person to see the darkness of my home, uncertainty of the future and all the realities I have yet to face... flushed and left me so devastated.

I curled myself to sleep, crying silently in a room well prepared by my auntie and uncle. It was a beautiful home. Silent. Calm. Full of love. Which I realized my home is far away from having.

My heart literally hurt.

It dawned to me how weak I was.

Ang hina-hina ko pala talaga? I should have fought with my father. Dapat ay ni-kompronta ko ang babaeng kasama niya. I should have... fought for my mother's honor...

Yet I hid. I ran away. I cried silently. I bottled it up.

Mas nahiya ako sa sarili ko.

How can I face the world with this shame?

Ang bigat-bigat ng puso ko.

The comfort of my auntie's home only made me feel more vulnerable.

How can two homes be entirely different?

Laging sinasabi ng auntie ko na nakay mama na ang lahat. She wishes for a child so hard that she feels she's incomplete, yet whenever I am in their house, I feel safer than our own home— a home she claims to be complete— just because it contains a mother, father and their daughter.

I understand that our version of complete is entirely different...

And a lot of factors need to be considered. Age for example. They know better than me right now. Priorities. Experiences. Life choices. At marami pang iba.

For her, completeness means having her wishes granted— which is to have a child.

For me, right now, at my young age, it means... having a happy home— which they have.

My uncle and auntie love each other so much, na kahit wala silang anak ay nahahanap pa rin nilang maging masaya.

Dinners at our home is so different than theirs. Sa amin, halos nauuwi sa away ni mama at papa. Pero sa kanila, we will talk about how our day went— unfiltered, we will laugh and have movie nights after.

I will trade anything to have something like this at our own home.

Kay Koa naman...

Patuloy ko siyang iniwasan. He texted me that night...

Koa: Hi, Hannah. Kamusta ka? Kung gusto mo ng makakausap, I am just... a beep away. Hmm?

I remember smiling a little bit while my tears soaked my eyes.

Ayoko sana mag reply sa kanya pero hindi ko kaya. He was too good to be ignored. I can ignore him personally, at school... pero ang ignorahin ang inosente niyang mensahe ay hindi ko kaya.

I can't do that to his kindness.

Me: Hi Koa. Thank you. Pero... pwede bang sikreto natin iyon? Ayaw ko muna sanang pag usapan. Pero salamat. Sobrang... salamat. I am sorry you have to see that too. Sorry kung nasira ko rin ang araw mo.

Agad siyang nag reply sa mensahe ko.

My heart failed for his every message...

Koa: Wala kang dapat ika-sorry, Hannah. I promise, wala akong pag sasabihan. Kahit sa pinsan ko. I promise. Pangako ko 'yan. I wish I could do something for you...

He is such a nice guy...

So good...

Me: You've done so much for me already...

Koa: I want to do more...

My heart painfully throbbed with his message.

Magkahalong kilig at pait ang nararamdaman nito.

I can imagine his serene expression. The thing with Koa is, napaka expressive ng mukha niya. Kapag masaya siya, para kang makakakita ng liwanag sa kanya, at kapag naman galit, you'll feel the land trembling with his expression, at kapag malungkot... I haven't seen him sad yet but I could only imagine how every heart that will see him... will surely shatter.

Is this how growing up feels like? Having all these problems while dealing the matters of the heart?

Ang hirap pala...

Me: Thank you for today :) For the drink and pastry, for prioritizing me over the people that wanted your time, for making me laugh and... for taking care of me. I had a really good time... with you.

It was always a good time with him. I wanted more... kung pwede lang... pero sa mga problema ko ngayon, I couldn't entertain this. At isa pa, mga bata pa kami. Lalo na ako...

Makakalimutan ko rin 'to. This is just a crush. It will pass. I will get over this. I have more pressing matters at hand and I won't involve him in any way.

Koa: You're always welcome, Hannah. If you will let me, I want to...

Marahan akong napapikit sa natanggap kong mensahe. I closed my eyes when I saw the three dots playing on my screen. I closed my vision to feel more, to feel this, to feel everything, because I know I won't let myself feel this anymore tomorrow.

I heard a beep...

I emotionally opened my eyes.

The cold breeze was welcomed from the open window of the room. Napayakap ako sa aking unan at pinagluksaan ang murang paghanga ng aking puso.

Koa: I want to... continuously try to make you happy...

My lips broke into a smile while my tears betrayed me.

Koa: Magaling ako roon...

Marahan akong tumango.

Alam ko. He makes a lot of people happy. Hindi lang ako. Kaya ang dami-dami rin humahanga sa kanya.

Me: You make a lot of people happy. Me included. Thank you, Koa.

Iyon lang ang kaya kong sabihin. I couldn't give him an affirmation because I cannot guarantee anything.

I plan to focus on my studies, confront my problems and heal myself.

I want to heal...

I no longer want to feel this way. I want for things to change. I have to start somewhere. At para magawa iyon, kailangan ko mag focus sa sarili ko at sa mga kaya kong kontrolin ngayon. I cannot deal with my feelings for him.

Besides, I cannot open up about this yet.

Kaya mas mabuting iwasan siya para makalimutan niya na rin ang nakita niya.

Koa: Will you hate me if I say that I only want to make you happy? That... anyone is... secondary?

I painfully clutched my phone and hugged it to my chest.

How can I hate you? How can I hate the person that makes me feel nice when I feel like everything is sinking?

There's nothing that could make me hate you, Koa.

I just know...

That my feelings for you are like flowers, it will only bloom.

I only wish that they wither soon.

Mariin kong pinikit ang mga mata ko at taimtin na nanalangin.

Lord,

Thank you for blessing me with people like Clarisse and Koa. Totoo nga po ang sinabi niyo na magpapadala kayo ng mga tao na mag sisilbing instrumento niyo para matulungan namin ang bawat isa.

Sa kaso ko po, the people you have blessed me are too much. They give me too much. At sa tingin ko po... they don't benefit anything from me. I can't even give them anything but involve them with my problems...

For that, I am sorry.

Tulungan niyo po akong mahanap ang mga sagot sa tanong ko. Tulungan niyo po akong... masolusyunan ang mga problema ng pamilya ko. Tulungan niyo po akong... makalimutan ang nararamdaman kong 'to.

Help me heal and be okay...

Save my mother, please.

Forgive my father.

I pray... that I could be the instrument to fix everything.

Thank you.