Ikatatlong huling pahina

Quench

I will be a hypocrite if I say that I didn't waver. My feelings for her... were strong but my worry for her... weakens me.

Delusional to even think I have shot, she's young and she could have the world on her feet, pero... maisip ko pa lang na baka mayroon... at masasaktan siya kalaunan ay nagpapahina sa akin.

But Kingston's gift to me one day hardened my resolve.

"Did you successfully book me a flight? Pasensya na, urgent. I have to go immediately tomorrow, business calls." Saad ko sa kaibigan ko.

"Ahuh." Aniya, naririnig ko pa ang pag tipa niya sa kanyang keyboard sa kabilang linya.

"Okay, thanks, bud."

Bahagya siyang natawa at nakarinig ako ng isang mariing bagsak ng pag pindot sa keyboard.

"Thank me tomorrow, pag nakita mo na ang regalo ko sa'yo."

"What do you mean?" Takang tanong ko, hindi lubusan maintindihan ang pahiwatig niya sa tono niya.

"Basta. Pasalubong ko, don't forget. Bye."

At ngayon, nakangisi ako habang pinagmamasdan ang gulat na gulat na ekspresyon ng regalo ni Kingston sa akin.

She was eyeing me from head downwards, I should feel conscious but all I could feel is excitement! Katabi ko siya! Katabing katabi!

Damn, King. I could be pissed off of him everyday, but today is an exception!

"Did you have a good look? Pwede pa naman." My voices sounded a little bit more boastful than I intended it to be.

Her lips parted as she rolled my eyes!

Damn. Cute.

"Thick-skinned are we?"

Bahagyang namumula ang pisngi niya, sigurado akong hindi sa hiya kung hindi sa inis. Dapat ay ma-alarma ako, I should give a good impression— I know! But... I am enjoying this so much!

This lights me up! Ngayon ko lang naramdaman 'to, ni minsan sa buhay ko ay walang nakapagparamdam nito sa akin.

I was born to learn the ropes towards my family's goals. Be at the top. Manage our businesses. Lead our family. Make sure our surname continues to be at the top for many generations to come. To make sure... our legacy and traditions... live and be followed.

Pero kung alam ko lang na may ganitong pakiramdam, at mararamdaman ko lang iyon pag nakausap siya, I would have done this the second I knew a girl like her exists.

Yung pakiramdam na sinisilaban ka... na parang hindi ka makahinga kasi hinihigop ng kung ano ang hangin sa katawan mo, at tanging mga sandali lang kasama siya... salita mula sa kanya o tingin niya ang makakapag bigay ng konting hangin sa'yo...

Making you breathe again, even just a little...

I shrugged my shoulders.

"I am just stating what I saw."

"Mali ka ng nakita!"

Halos maisigaw niya iyon kaya naman agad niyang ni-hinaan ang boses niya nang matantong ayaw niya may makarinig.

"Hindi kita tinitignan." Mahina pero mariin niyang giit!

My right brow shot up.

From our very few interactions, one thing I know about her, she lies not to the people around her but herself...

I licked my lower lip and stifled a smile.

"Okay... calm down, missy." I chuckled.

She hissed and crossed her arms over her chest and sat back properly.

Napatingin ako sa kaninang sinasara niyang divider.

I only have a few hours with her. Hindi ko hahayaan na may divider na papagitna pa sa amin!

"Can we not close this?" Kalmado kong tanong, tinuturo ang sliding divider.

Siya naman ang nakakunot ang noo sa akin ngayon. Pinakatitigan niya iyon, ga'non din ako sa kanya. Pababa na ang araw kaya kahel na ang kulay ng langit, her eyes glimmered both with confusion and annoyance. I am sure mine reflected adoration and amusement.

I still have a long way to go, huh?

Napalunok ako. If she says no and decides to continue blocking me with the divider, hindi ko na talaga alam! Baka ipasira ko pa 'tong divider na 'to.

Damn. I am being like Andres, huh?

Tinanguan niya nalamang ako at tumingin sa small screen sa harapan niya para manood ng movie.

I sighed deeply and silently thanked the Heavens.

Finally...

That counts to something, right?

Unusual of me, my tensed shoulders relaxed a bit and focused on the screen in front of me too.

Ang dami kong nararamdaman na ngayon lang...

I am rugged and tensed always, my life was crafted with pressure and I am used to it, pero ngayon... pakiramdam ko mas magaan ng kaunti... like her presence lifts me up.

I sensed her shifting. Tanging pag hinga lang namin ang namayani sa pandinig ko. I couldn't even hear the movie I was watching.

Naramdaman ko ang mainit niyang tingin sa akin.

This was supposed to be a good movie yet I can't focus. Gusto ko siyang tignan pabalik pero ayoko maputol ang pangyayaring ito. I want to let her keep looking at me for I have been looking at her for so long.

So long...

And for every secret glances before.

I want to think that I am being rewarded by this moment...

To be finally seen by her... is a dream.

My heart trembled and I gulp to hold on to my sanity.

I heard her took a deep breath and sighed.

Is this really happening?

I am sitting beside her...

I am with her. The sun is setting. My walls are down. She is looking at me. She is seeing me. I am with the most beautiful girl I have ever laid my eyes on. Inside and out. I am with the person that shifted my heart. Who brighten my views. Whose smile... can lighten the my darkness.

Mula sa pag titig niya sa akin, I know she was thinking deeply.

And never once I felt the need to know what other people are thinking.

Siya lang.

I can give up anything just to hear a thought from her.

I can give my world... just to have more from her.

Bakit? Paano? Hindi ko rin alam.

It just feels like that. I cannot reason it out. It feels like I have been feeling this way my whole life, ngayon ko lang nalaman kasi ngayon lang naman napagbigyan ng pagkakataon para makaramdam.

"What are you thinking?" Bulong ko.

Nakuha ko ang atensyon niya mula sa malalim na pag-iisip.

She looked back at me and as she welcomed my eyes.

Her eyes reflected something— an emotion... that I cannot name.

Sumikip ang puso ko.

Gusto ko siyang abutin at yakapin. Gusto kong... ikulong siya sa bisig ko at sabihin na handa akong makinig. I want to ease the confusion on her expression. I want to help her gather her thoughts... and maybe we can both understand what has been bugging her. I want to be that person for her. Damn it. I am just so fucking... helplessly... a slave for her.

I saw her slightly trembled. Shivering with the coldness, pinasok niya ang mga kamay niya sa ilalim ng kumot.

The urge became stronger.

I want to give her heat...

I want her to lean on me.

"I like that movie." Komento niya nalang para matakasan ang tanong ko.

My lips rose up slightly.

Here comes her lies again.

I will have a stubborn girl, huh?

A girl that will make sure no one knows her weaknesses, her problems and her baggages.

But heck no.

I will make sure she knows I am dependable. That... I can see her. That I will... hear her.

"Love is the one thing that we're capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space." Bulong ko.

Nakuha 'non ang atensyon niya.

My voice was gentle, I made sure it will hug her, habang hindi ko pa kayang gawin ngayon.

Pero mas nagulat ako sa susunod niyang sinabi.

"Maybe we should trust that, even if we can't understand it..." pag tutuloy niya sa linya na kasunod sa movie.

She chuckled a little bit. "I didn't know that you're the romantic type. Given that... you're a... Chinese? And... from what I've heard... pragmatic marriages... are..."

Oh...

She is aware.

Napalunok ako.

Now I am even more curious! Ito ba ang iniisip niya kanina? Ito ba ang bumabagabag sa kanya? Is she finally seeing me clear now? Is this something... out of my delusions? Pwede bang... hindi lang siya iritado sa akin? Maaari bang... kahit kaunti... naiisip niya ako sa magandang paraan?

Fuck this.

I am so delusional.

She has known me for a short period of time, paano naman niya ako makikita sa ga'nong paraan?

At...

Bahagya akong nataranta!

Paano kung naiisip niya nga ako pero dahil Chinese ako...

Oh no... no-no...

I won't let that happen!

I will not let my bloodline ruin this for me!

I will make sure she knows my thoughts on this! Kahit hindi niya tinatanong! Sisiguraduhin ko na hindi siya malilito pag dating sa mga desisyon ko o sa pananaw ko patungkol dito.

I will ruin everything that will ruin this for me.

Kahit pa dugo ko.

"Or maybe you're korean? But I think that's the same thing? Sa mga Kdramas na pinapanood ko, uso rin ang arranged marriages..."

I pursed my lips, a chuckle almost slipping out.

She bit her lower lip.

Damn.

I want a bite too.

"Well, yes. Chinese." Sagot ko.

Here goes nothing...

"What do you think about pragmatic marriages?"

Kita ko ang sandali niyang pagkagulat ulit. Ngayon ay nasisigurado kong mas marami siyang alam tungkol sa pragmatic marriages kaysa sa inaasahan ko. Her whole face says it, that she has been thinking about this more than usual. She knows. She... has built a whole concept of it. I can see that.

And too much knowledge can lead to more overthinking, I can't let that happen.

Lalo na at para sa akin... pagdating sa kung ano man nararamdaman ko para sa kanya, walang wala ang mga iyon.

Napatikhim siya.

"Well..."

Pinanood ko ang bawat kibot ng labi niya.

Her soft cheeks were tensed and I fought the urge to caress it.

"I think... generally speaking, it's okay." She gulped.

Huh?

Halos malaglag ang panga ko sa narinig ko!

What?!

No... no!

Ayos lang sa kanya iyon? Na maitakda ako sa iba? Bakit parang ga'non? Kahit hindi naman ito tungkol lang sa akin! Kahit na general topic naman ito... pakiramdam ko ay ga'non nga!

"I mean... if it's to honor the family and the culture it has been following."

Napapaiwas siya ng tingin sa bawat segundong lumilipas. At sa bawat pag iwas niya ng tingin ay gusto ko siyang hapitin para matignan ako uli!

Gusto kong bumalik sa akin ang atensyon niya!

Gusto kong... makita at marinig kung ano ba talaga ang nasa isip niya at pananaw niya ukol dito.

"Personally?" Dagdag kong tanong.

She bit her lower lip again which distracted me for a second.

"Hmm... well, for me, I would be against it. Because... a lifetime is both short and long to be spent with someone you're not in love with. Marriage is a very personal choice for me. I think desisyon dapat ng tao kung magpapakasal siya, kung kanino siya magpapakasal at kung kailan siya magpapakasal, all of these entails personal choice of a person so... if ipagkakasundo para sa negosyo, tradisyon, o pangako ng ibang tao... then what is it truly for? Is it for the people who will marry? Or was it for the power, tradition and promise of another? May lugar pa ba ang pag-ibig doon?"

I was both relieved and hurt from what she said.

Relieved because at least, hindi ayos sa kanya. I want her to be selfish of me— when that time comes. And I will make sure na mangyayari iyon. Hindi ako papayag na pag dumating na ang panahon na nakikita na niya talaga ako ay kaya niya pa akong ipamigay. Hindi ko hahayaan na maisip niyang pwede akong itakda sa iba dahil para sa akin... siya lang talaga ang nakikita ko.

Damn the thought that if I ever get to know her, my infatuation will vanish.

Dahil ngayong mas nakikita ko kung paano siya, bilang tao... kung paano mag-isip at kung sino talaga siya, kahit hindi pa lubusan, alam kong mas nahuhulog na ako.

She caught my attention before by naturally loving the people around her, but... she is making me fall now... by how her mind works...

But then hurt... because... I am scared I might not get her. And I can't phantom another man having this... having her... napaka swerte naman ng gagong 'yon.

Hindi ako makakapayag... no...

I will make this beautiful wise woman fall in love with me.

"You?" Balik niyang tanong.

"I won't marry for convenience." Diretso kong sabi.

My eyes lingered on her.

My voice was firm and unshaken.

"I will only marry for love." I breathed hoarsely.

Listen to me, baby.

Get that inside your pretty head— that I will only marry for love. Not by anyone's choice but mine. So whatever happens, I hope you won't forget that. Because I will hold on to that till I get you.

"Wear this."

Kinuha ko ang makapal na jacket sa may harapan ko at inabot iyon sa kanya.

"Oh! No! No!" Sinabayan niya iyon ng pag-iling ko.

"Wear it. Your lips are quivering already kahit na hindi naman ga'non kalamig." Stubborn girl, please accept this, kahit ito na muna...

Or maybe?!

She really has a boyfriend! Baka isa roon sa mga kaibigan niya? Maybe that Koa? I should tell Kingston to investigate on that.

"Hindi naman siguro magagalit ang boyfriend mo, that's just a jacket."

Venom was dripping on my voice. Jealousy slipping on every corner of my being. My jaw clenched and my heart retaliate!

I was waiting for her to correct me!

Na suyuin ako! Fucking shit! Kahit na 'hindi ah', lang!

Pero mas nagulat lang ako sa susunod niyang ginawa.

Bumalik ang pagkakunot ng noo niya.
Pinantayan ang kasungitan ko, kumunot din ang noo niya at wala sa sariling tinanggap iyon at ni-suot nalang.

Nayanig ng kaunti ang puso ko nang panoorin siyang sinusuot ang jacket ko. My jacket effortlessly looked good wrapping her with warmth.

Muli akong nakaramdam ng inggit.

Huh? Tobias? Pati sa jacket? But then can you blame me? I have long been deprived of this!

Pero hindi iyon ang mas nakapanghina sa akin.

That fact that she accepted it and wore it.

It was as if she was confirming she doesn't have one. Wala siyang boyfriend! Right! I believe so!

She gave me an assurance, ng hindi niya alam. But... because I know my girl, hindi niya isusuot 'yon kung mayroon siya.

Kaya kahit pa nagulat ako sa susunod niyang sinabi...

"Thanks." aniya, hindi man ako tinatama ay lihim pa rin akong napangisi.

Napailing ako at tinago ang ngisi ko.

I got her.

I still have a long way to go...

But I know... there's hope, at hindi ko pakakawalan 'yon.

My family must pray hard. So hard. Because I will have this my way.

Finally, I can quench my thirst of her.

'Good job, Tobias.' I whispered inside my head while my cheeks hurt for hiding my grin.