Raw and unfiltered

"Mag-uusap tayo."

"Ayoko nga sabi diba? Ano bang hindi mo maintindihan sa a-yo-ko?" Mataray kong sabi habang naka halukipkip.

Dinala niya ako sa isang sikat na hotel, sa pinaka tuktok nito ay may restaurant na hindi pa nakabukas para sa lahat dahil ni-rerenovate pa raw.

But because I am with 'the' Tobias Lim, pinapasok kami at may pinadalang server at chef para sa amin. Sa kasalukuyang niluluto ang mga ni-order namin, at hindi na ako nag abala pa na mag sabi ng gusto ko dahil sa dami na naman niyang ni-order ay alam kong hindi rin namin mauubos 'yon.

Pasalamat 'to at hindi ako gaanong mapili sa pagkain! Kung hindi talagang lagot siya sa akin!

Ang dulong roof deck pa lang ang nakaayos kaya roon kami pumwesto. The flooring was wooden, ang barandilya sa paligid ay kahoy rin, at maraming halaman sa paligid, it is like a patio with a mini garden which I really liked.

May fairy lights sa paligid, and the lights blended well with the overall atmosphere of the roof deck.

He positioned himself behind me, naka hilig ako sa barandilya at tinitignan ang kabuo-an ng syudad, I watched the city lights from the skyline and the moving cars on the busy streets of the city.

Nag-labo ang paningin ko nang maramdaman siya sa likuran ko, it was like his presence demanded my attention. Na kahit ano pang ganda ng tinitignan ko ay hindi sasapat dahil sa kanya.

"Why did you join the auction?" His voice was low and critical.

I snapped a glare at him.

Tinalikuran ko ang nag gagandahang ilaw ng syudad at hinarap siya.

I inhaled deeply and braced myself for my answer!

"Hindi ka ba talaga nakikinig? Ang sabi ko kanina hindi ako sumali roon. Bakit ka pa mag tatanong kung hindi ka naman pala maniniwala?"

I know I am being rude but... I am just so tired right now! Pagod na pagod ako, at ayaw niya ako pag pahingahin! I've been tormented by my thoughts the past days and I just want to rest right now!

And besides, I have accepted that I like him, can I move on now? Kailan pa ako mag sisimula mag move on? Dapat ba ay may go signal din niya?

"Stop being so difficult!" His lips formed a thin line.

Bahagya akong natigilan at nakaramdam ng kirot sa puso ko.

My chest suddenly felt tight.

I am difficult? Marahil ay totoo iyon pero... damn it! What should I do? Welcome him with open arms? Accept everything? Paluguran ang nararamdaman ko? Bumigay?

Saan ako pupulutin pag ginawa ko iyon?

If I go kind with him, then I will fall even more. If I give in, there will never be any salvation for me, mahuhulog ako at hindi na makakabangon pa.

"What? Why? Anong gagawin mo? If you can't deal with me being difficult, then 'wag! No one's forcing you, Tobias!"

I saw how his eyebrows furrowed deeply. His jaw hardened and he looked more dangerous and critical now! Ang kanyang chinitong mata ay tila nag tutulis pa lalo.

Napalunok ako sa kaunting kaba pero pinilig ko ang ulo ko, I must face this now! I won't chicken out!

The wind blew and my hair followed it.

I saw his expression changed but it was quick. I didn't even get to determine what changed...

"I just want to talk to you. Halos isang linggo tayong hindi nagkita, tapos ay ang lalamig pa ng mga reply mo sa akin, then coming to you was the first thing I thought after arriving here, tapos ang aabutan ko ay ang galit mo? You telling me to leave you alone? That I did what?"

Sunod-sunod ang kanyang mga salita, hindi lumisan ang paningin niya sa akin pero tila hirap na hirap siya hanapin ang mga salitang gusto niyang sabihin.

His face looked like he's ready for anything and he wanted to pour all his frustration and displeasures because of me.

Mukhang pinasakit ko ata talaga ang ulo niya?

"T-thailand with a friend?! What was that even about? Saan mo nakuha iyon, ha?" Hindi siya makapaniwala sa sariling sinabi.

I shot an eyebrow.

Tss. Parang tatay kung pagalitan ako?

"Tapos ay sasabihin mong gusto mo ako? Pero natatakot ka sa nararamdaman mo? You dropped everything to me then asked me to leave you a second after telling me you liked me?" He said bewilderedly.

His chest heaved from too much emotion, gusto ko siyang patigilin para kumalma pero ayoko naman maputol ang mga sasabihin niya.

I feel like he needs to let it out or else, baka mahimatay pa siya dahil sa kunsumisyon dahil sa akin!

"You told me... you... liked me more than you should! You gave me my dreams but you took it away before I even hold it!"

I can't take him seriously a while ago... but what he said caught a part of my stubborn heart.

"Tapos ay pahahabulin mo ako sa'yo, huh?" He huffed.

I bit my lower lip and sighed.

"I didn't ask you to come for me. Kaya nga sabi ko layuan mo ako diba? Layuan means go away, Tob. Layuan doesn't mean to go after me—"

"Oh please, hell no! Do you think I'll leave you alone after you told me you liked me? I was following you around like a fucking tail when you didn't like me, ano pa ngayon?"

Natigalgal ako sa lahat ng sinabi niya. I was both taken a back by his words and presence. Ang mga ilaw sa paligid ay nag silbing palamuti sa galit niya, his dark brooding eyes were so dark that no amount of fairy lights could force a glint from them.

He was showing so much vulnerability, like a king... stripped from his crown, bowing in front of me... asking me to slave him.

"But what? Ang madadatnan ko pa rin ay iyon? Pinag-aagawan ka? You're up on the stage, smiling, showing what I have tried to gatekeep all those years I have known you?"

He hissed with so much frustration.

"Binabaliw mo ba talaga ako?"

I opened my mouth to say something but... looking at his forlorn eyes wiped all my angst. Naibaba ko ang dalawang kamay ko sa magkabilang gilid ko, looking at him properly this time.

My heart trembled.

He closed his eyes painfully.

"And those motherfuckers have to learn their lesson. How dare they bid for—"

"They were bidding for a good cause, Tob."

I don't know what to say... or where to start. I wanted to appease him but it will be so wrong to do that.

At gusto ko itanong sa sarili ko kung maniniwala ba ako sa sinasabi niya? Can he really be this... down bad with me? Parang hindi makatotohanan. Parang hindi totoo.

Napakataas niya para sa akin. Hindi maaabot kahit anong tayog ko.

Having all these... emotions... bago ang lahat ng ito sa akin, I have never liked anyone this much, I don't even fancy boys my age that much, I am always calm and collected, studious, meticulous, and calculated, but... with him... everything falls apart, parang kayang kaya niya ako sakupin ng buong-buo.

Mawawala ako sa hwisyo basta siya ang nasa harapan ko.

He sneered. "We both know they don't. Nandoon sila para magpabango ng pangalan, Avery. And they weren't bidding for you because they want to donate."

I tried to step a little to the side, to give myself a room to think properly, because my mind is starting to get cloudy...

But he immediately placed his hands on the railing, kinukulong ako sa pagitan 'non. Bahagya siyang dumukwang, kinukuha ang lahat ng espasyo sa paningin ko.

Kanina, para sa akin, dahil hindi na siya naka-kurbata ay parang kaabot-abot na siya, pero hindi pa rin...

He can still tower over me, not just physically... but my mind and heart as well. At... ayaw ko 'non.

"They were bidding to get you." He said like a fact.

He grinned evilly.

Muli akong nalito at namangha sa nakikita. Sa mga nakita kong articles sa internet at kung paano niya dalhin ang sarili niya sa normal na pagkakataon ay parang... ibang iba siya sa nakikita ko ngayon.

I wonder if someone has been lucky enough to see this side of him.

Raw and unfiltered.

"As if I will let them?" Mapanuya niyang tanong.

Hindi ko na alam sino pang kaaway niya.

Humakbang ako patalikod para kumuha ng kaunting lakas, kumalma na siya pero parang puso ko naman ang kailangan kumalma.

It doesn't help that he's hovering me...

Wala akong makita kung hindi siya, nilulukob ng presensya niya ang buong paningin at pagkatao ko. Tumatagos... hanggang sa puso.

"Kailangan ko... iproseso lahat... ng sinabi mo..." I planned on saying this firmly, pero nasabi ko iyon sa maliit na boses.

He leaned forward... more...

Now I can feel his body heat, and his hot minty breath...

Napasinghap ako ng kaunti at sinubukan kunin ang katinuan ko.

What now? Wala na ba akong sasabihin? Para akong mag ca-case study at kailangan ko muna i-outline lahat ng sinabi niya para mapag-aralan, tsaka ako makakakuha ng nararapat na konklusyon.

"Ahuh..." He obligingly said.

"We'll do it together. We'll process it together, Ave."

Nakakalilyo ang ginagawad niyang tingin.

My heart is pounding heavily inside me.

"No... I'll do it alone."

He groaned and shook his head dramatically, parang pagod na pagod sa pag hindi ko.

"Gagawin natin magkasama. So you'll stop overthinking. Sa bawat maiisip mo ay sasabihin mo agad sa akin, at ipapaliwanag ko agad para hindi ka na mag-isip ng kung ano-ano pa."

Parang may mainit na bagay ang humaplos sa puso ko.

Totoo ba talaga ito? Totoo ba talaga siya?

Sabi nila, when it's too good to be true, then... more likely... it is not?

"H-huh? Is that... really... necessary?"

Avery?! Nasaan ang tapang mo?

"Yes..." he answered breathily.

"I think... we have to communicate more. Our relationship requires frequent assurances and I am willing to—"

"We're not yet... in a... relationship..." ani ko sa mas mahinang tinig.

I look like a mouse pleading a cat to spare me.

Hindi nakatakas ang pag kurba ng ngiti sa kanyang labi.

"Okay... then... we're not... yet... in a relationship." He gasped then smiled again.

Tumango ako ng marahan at bahagyang kumalma.

Atleast that's clarified.

"Let's start, okay?" Tanong niya sa mahinahong paraan.

His expression is softer now, mellow and sweet.

"But, I just want to put it out there, na... hindi mo kailangan gawin 'to. You don't have to give me assurances. Iyong sinabi ko kanina na tanggap ko na ang sitwasyon na 'to, at... ako ang mali because I was immature and I was blaming you for a lot of things... that weren't your fault in the first place... totoo 'yon."

He nodded and gave me a look that tells me he surrenders.

He looked so helpless in front of me now. Malayong malayo sa matigas na pangangatawan, matikas na tindig, at malakas na presensya ang kanyang ekspresyon, inaalay nito ang lahat sa akin.

"Okay..." I sighed and tried to remember all that he said.

"About the auction, hindi ako sumali roon. Hindi ako dapat kasali, sadyang wala sina daddy ngayon at ako ang pwedeng mag abot ng donasyon namin. Na-late ata ang representative ng Zobel kaya nagka... ga'non..."

Ang hirap naman ipaliwanag gayong ako rin mismo ay hindi naintindihan anong nangyari. I was put on the spot! Pero ayaw ko na iyong sabihin sa kanya at baka mabaliw pa siya at sisihin pa ang host!

Wait. Am I starting to believe him?

He narrowed his eyes at me. Halos mawalan na talaga siya ng mata sa pagkaka ga'non, hindi ko tuloy maseryoso ang ekspresyon niya! He looked so cute! He exudes a boyish vibe right now, like I am meeting him while we're in high school... kung saan makulit at pa-cute pa!

"You can even ask Anton if you don't believe me." I scoffed. "Tutal ay mukhang close naman na kayo?" Sarkasmo kong bitaw.

He grinned deviously again! And shook his head.

"I am only close to you..." he hoarsely said, tila sukong suko na sa lahat ng ito.

Dumagungdong ang puso ko.

Napaka simple lamang ng sinabi niya... at kung tutuusin ay pwede ko pa siyang kontrahin doon, dahil hindi naman makatotohanan iyon.

Alam kong pambobola lang ito pero there's something about his voice that tells me to shut up and listen to him.

At ngayon, ako man ay parang sumusuko na...

"Next... about your Thailand with a friend?" Singhap niya, may nag sasabi sa akin na nahirapan siya dahil doon.

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa mga paa namin.

Bakit nahihiya ako? Wala naman masama sa sinabi ko diba? Besides... totoo naman na nasa thailand siya? Pero bakit ga'non, parang may kung anong bagay na nagpapahiya sa akin?

"Uh..." I forced a smile. "I saw... t-the... article..." kung may pinaka mahinang boses ako, ito na 'yon!

"Mali ako, naipaliwanag ko na iyon kanina diba?" Subok kong bawi sa kahihiyan.

I remained looking below.

Kainin na sana ako ng lupa!

"Yeah... but... are you... jealous?" May pag-iingat niyang tanong.

Mabilis akong napaangat ng tingin at sinalubong ang malalim niyang mga titig. I was hoping that he was just making fun of me! But... he looks very serious and curious!

"H-hindi 'ah! Bakit naman ako mag se-selos? Hindi a-ako!" Hindi ako aamin!

At hindi naman talaga ako nag se-selos! Naisip ko lang... na natanto kong... mas mapapadali sila kung sila nalang ang magkakagustuhan dahil may pahintulot na sa mga taong nasa paligid nila, hindi na sila mahihirapan pa at masasaktan.

That isn't jealousy right? It was... acceptance of a realization?

"Good." Ngisi niya. "You shouldn't be. Wala ka naman dapat ika-selos pa dahil ikaw lang ang iniisip ko roon. Halos mabaliw ako sa bagal at tipid mong mag reply. Then it doesn't help that I was missing you. I wanted to see you and to call you. Pero baka makulitan ka na sa akin. Kaya inagahan ko nalang ang pag-uwi."

Kung sabihin niya ang lahat ng iyon ay parang kasing normal ng pag hinga ng tao.

Hindi ko napigilan manlambot ang mga mata ko. I wanted to say I missed him too! That... I was yearning for him. Sabik na sabik kung tutuusin. Na... hindi ko kailangan ng matagal na panahon para masanay na nariyan siya... dahil... wala pa man ay gusto ko na siya... gusto ko na lagi siyang nandyan... pero... nahihiya ako at natatakot.

Sa amin dalawa, nakikita kong nasa akin ang huling salita. Kung totoo man lahat ng sinasabi niya, I know now that he doesn't care about anything else, he will knock off every hindrance between us, tanging ako lang ang makakapag-kontrol 'non, para maiwasan ang malaking gulo.

"I am sorry... for lashing out on you..."

Inangat niya ang kaniyang kanang braso, forcing his muscles to contract, making the muscles on his arms be more evident.

Inabot niya ang ilang takas na buhok na nagulo ng hangin. Pinasadahan niya iyon ng kanyang kamay bago hinawi at nilagay sa likuran ng tainga ko.

My heart fluttered, pagod na pagod ako ngayong araw pero itong kalmadong paligid sa pagitan namin ngayon ay nag bibigay ng ibayong lakas sa akin.

From looking there, he moved his eyes down to my lips... stayed there for a few seconds... before looking back at my eyes.

"You said... you like me?" He asked huskily.

My eyes darted down to his lips too, then back to his eyes.

I realized how we're alone as of this moment, kami lamang ang naririto, nasa tuktok ng matayog na building, malayo sa lahat, sa ilalim ng buwan at mga bituin, abot kamay ko siya at pwede ko siyang tignan hanggang gusto ko.

I am being indulged and I can't help but think... I was frustrated, tired and in a slump for almost the entire week, pero ngayon... halos pawiin niya ang bawat pakiramdam na iyon.

"Ave..." he uttered my name with pleading. "Do you like me too?"

Hindi ko alam pero nag-init ang mga mata ko.

"I don't just say I like somebody without meaning it..." I answered truthfully.

I saw how surprised he was, pero ilang segundo lamang iyon tumagal, sa huli ay napabuntonghininga siya, tila iyon ang kanina niya pa hinihintay.

"Pero gusto mo na l-lubayan... kita?" Nag-aalangan niyang tanong.

Tumango ako. "Wala itong kapupuntahan. Masasaktan lang tayo pareho. Maaga pa, matatakasan pa natin 'to. Like I said, I can treat this as a lesson and you can see this as a wake up call to grant your parents' wishes."

Umiling siya. Sa paraan ng pag-iling niya ay para bang desperado na siya.

"Please... no..."

Binaba niya muli ang kamay sa barandilya. Muli akong kinulong at mas humakbang palapit, tila kulang pa para sa kanya ang lahat ng 'to.

"You can still move on, I can still move on too. Hindi pa natin lubusan kilala ang isa't isa, madalas pa tayo mag-away, makakahanap tayo ng rason para makalimot. Maybe we need diversion or something. Or maybe... we should give it some time, lilipas din at hindi natin mapapansin na nakakalimot na pala tayo."

My lips trembled with all the words I uttered. Tila pag ta-traydor ito sa totoo kong nararamdaman.

Pinilit kong ngumiti habang tinitignan siya. Hirap na hirap siya sa harapan ko. He looked so much in pain, his face was hardened and his body was so tensed.

He tilted his head a bit as he bended to find my sight-line.

He crowded me but instead of feeling suffocated which I normally feel from people invading my personal space... I felt warmth... I felt comfortable... I liked it so much.

I like the feeling he gives me.

Gustong gusto... at nakakatakot na ga'non ang nararamdaman ko.

"Walang..." he drawled lazily with pain. "... mag mo-move on."

"Hindi pa tayo lubusan mag kakilala? Madalas pa tayo mag-away? We should give it some time?" Parang diring-diri niya sa bawat salitang sinasabi.

"I don't want those, Ave. I want to get to know you more. I want to spend more time with you. I want to start a good healthy relationship with you. I want to work this out. I don't mind the fights, we can compromise and talk about it. We'll learn together. I have a lot to work on, you have too, and... I want us to learn together."

He reached for something from his pocket and... he stretched his arm again to hold me through my forefinger.

Bumaba ang tingin ko roon habang pinipisil-pisil na ang puso sa mga sinabi niya.

My lips parted.

"I told you, I want more of us. The fights. The subtle talks. The petty conversations. The teasing. The laughters. Lahat. I want more."

He carefully pushed a ring on my forefinger.

It fits perfectly! Paano niya nalaman ang sukat ko? Hinulaan niya ba? Ang galing! Saktong-sakto iyon!

It was a simple gold infinity twist ring, napansin ko rin na mayroon rin siyang ga'non sa hintuturo niya.

"Kung maaga ito para sa'yo, sa akin hindi. I was long deeply rooted in this, Avery. Hindi mo pa ako kilala, nahuhulog na ako sa'yo, nakikilala mo pa lang ako, gusto na kita, nagugustuhan mo pa lang ako, malalim na ang narating ko. There's no escaping anymore for me, please..."

Tila lumuluhod ang kanyang boses, nagmamakaawa na mapag-bigyan.

Is this real?

How can this be real?

Tanging pag singhap lang ang nagawa ko at pag titig habang pinipigilan ang pag patak ng mga luha ko.

"Infinity..." I managed to whisper.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin at sinalubong ako ng mapupungay niyang mga mata.

I want his eyes on me for always.

"Like my feelings... ever the same." He croaked.

He bit his lower lip.

My heart thumped hard.

"Please let's try... I am asking you again... please say yes..."

Bahagya niyang pinag siklop ang mga daliri namin, hindi nag didikit ang mga palad, halos ang mga daliri lang ang magkalapit.

"Please... accept me..." he begged more.

I closed my eyes and painfully shook my head.