...When I was triggered...and kinda told my friends...half the truth of being okay. They mentioned the rain reminds them of their childhood...
And I never realized..well I have but...I never admitted to....not knowing my childhood. Whenever someone brings up the past with me...I hardly remember anything and it's gotten worse...to where my stories aren't right with everyone.
...and someone mentioned it's...a coping mechanism...of where my mind blocks the memories related to my childhood...I mean...I remember only the bad..but I try so hard to remember the good too...But why is the bad all in detail... everything lines up with everyone memories.

...I remember my brother doing a stupid dare...of bringing my mom's and older sister underwear to school for his friends...he did to avoid being bullied. Then..my father was asking who  was doing this sick stuff. My brother kept quiet...and my sister answered and left quickly. My mother was showering and my brother left to get ready for school....just me...and my step dad...
...he was mad...so angry..I got the blame....and he began to beat me with a kitchen rag...yelling at me, throwing the underwear at me...dirty underwear....yelling at me, hitting me. My brother just watched and cried...my sister left outside to the bus...and my mother came out of the bathroom stoping my step dad. I was crying and I ran away...to my brother finally breaking and...telling the truth. As for me...I was sent to school....and I was scared all day.

The next time my step dad was mad at me was when...I accidentally dropped an egg...and my parents got done arguing about money...my sister went with friends...and my brother was out of town being spoiled by his grandfather...and me. My step dad grabbed the egg off the floor...got mad...threw on my plate and told me to eat it. I asked for scrambled nicely and....he told me to eat the egg he worked so hard to get..my mom..just sat in silence..while I ate a dirty egg and...I was crying. I was left with my grandma for the weekend because my parents were mad.

Another time was...I accidentally was climbing off a bunk bed...and dealing with my sister hangover before I left for school....I slipped and stepped on something squishy...to which it was my brother kitten....I cried and my brother got mad at me...he started crying and hitting me...cursing at me...my sister hungover and her boyfriend saw the kitten seize....nobody came to help me...when I was sitting on the ground...puffing up from my brother hitting me....my mom...took my brother side...and said he could stay home..but me...I went to school...numb because my brother called me a killer...and hope I had a bad day...to which I did....I....I just didn't wanna live.

I never talk about the one year I was gone...but...what happened was...I was groomed..I got the attention I wanted...and needed from...24 year old men...to 18 year old boys....at a highschool age....and....my mother and sister saw what I sent them. Thinking...my sister...who had done the same thing would protect me....
.....no.....
...my phone was smashed...my mother grabbed my hair...threw me to the ground...my sister came up from behind and started throwing stuff at me...hard and heavy....my mom and sister saying "Why! Why! You sick whore! You fucking whore! You are a bitch!" And over and over they beat me grabbed me..threw me...I ran to the closet place which was the closest...my dad..brother....did nothing...just watched...I was shaking begging them to stop...then my sister grabbed my arms made me look at them both and said...
"if I see you do that again. I'll come over here and kill you! I swear on God!"
They left me in that closet....and took my bras...and underwear that were considered "sexy"...my makeup...and everything...my anime shirts...my sweaters...and short cuts...I just had basic shirts...
...they smashed my phone..threw way everything....that was "sexy"...and basically locked me in this house...I was allowed to go out...to a gas station....with friends....to anywhere...
....I wasn't allowed watch anything or talk to anyone....

...and then I attempted...to which they found out...took more of my stuff...and my sister....and mom said to me...
"if you try to kill yourself again and we find out. We will beat you..."
Then because they were mad...they sent me to my grandma house...to which she heard what happened and had sympathy for me. She didn't punish me alot...she talked to me and she said to me "Your mom and sister are worse. Talk about not keep anyone legs close. They shouldn't talk. Just don't do that again okay?"
And I was given the attention I wanted, she helped me with chores...she even got me a kitten. And dogs...snacks..everything to cheer me up. She allowed me to watch tv...and when my mom and sis found out, they got mad about how I was being a baby....but...

...my mother actually had my sister when she was 18...and me with an abusive man. She basically drank away her 20s....and didn't care about me and my sis sometimes.
..my sister actually was getting caught with weed, nudes, and I caught her self harming along with a suicide attempt.

When I went to therapy with them...they mentioned how I was doing all of this for attention....I just zoned out and just listened. The therapist didn't even keep her mouth shut....she opened it for my mom... nothing was private....and when did try help...with therapy....
..my mother...father..and sister mocked me...calling me crazy...telling me I was being a bitch.....that I shouldn't be depressed and I did this to my self....and that I am a stupid child...

Funny part is when my brother got caught with following profiles on social media that were sexual.....I was in the kitchen listening...afraid he was gonna get the same treatment...
...no....all he got was the talk...and his phone back....saying a boy should be a boy....

Through out that year long punishment...I was mocked....made fun of....I did self harm they couldn't see...I couldn't shower in privacy....
....so....I knew..my uncle and grandfather were angry... because I would cry every night and speak to them about everything....well...it knew it was them...
...my mother got very Ill...she lost 3 months of work...she was embarrassed about how badly her healthy was....and so many problems developed suddenly...she lived.
My sister got into a car crash after not sleep enough. She paid off the car, but crashed it a week later, she was in debt, she couldn't shower alone....and she had bruises everywhere...and she was charged with possession of weed.

...And I was the one to take care of both of them....

I think the only memory...that I relive alot is...the one.of my uncle...
...it was spring break for me and my brother...we were still young...around 9....and...we went to his house because he left his phone at the house...and....he was alive the day we dropped him off at his house...
....which was two days....
And..when we got to the house...there was a smell...we knocked..banged on the windows. My mom... opened the window that was boarded up...my grandmother couldn't climb in...and my mother couldn't...so...I....I climbed through the window...and...
...when I looked around..I...I saw my partner...my uncle..sitting in a chair..blood from his mouth...bottles surrounded the area..blood on the floor....I was scared..I forgot about the smell.....I forgot about everything...and...I..I started crying wanting him to be alive...I called out partner...partner....uncle..please...I..I need you please....p..please wake up partner....
...I hurried open the door to let in my mom....the light and my grandmother saw....
...I found my uncle dead.....
....I was covered in blood and I reeked.....

....I can only recall these memories from ever little detail...but ask me anything else and...I don't know....
...I just....forget....

....this isn't even all the stories I have......I wish...I had a normal childhood...
I wish my dad wanted me and call me his princess...his little one...his little jellyfish....I wish I had an older sibling that loved me unconditionally....that protected me from beatings....I wish I had younger siblings that's did the same...I wish my mom was kinder....and didn't yell at me for every flaw...and hit me Everytime I messed up.....
....I wish my uncle was alive so he could continue out routine...I...do actually have good memories that I can recall which are all with my grandma or uncle...
...and...with my uncle..I felt like a kid.
Everytime he had money, even though he was poor, he would take me away from the house of arguments and beatings. He would take me to the movie. Buy me anything I wanted and even sneak in a happy meal for into the theater.....he would take me to the park and push me ok the swing. Take me to the blue store and buy all the toys I wanted. Then sometimes we would go to the zoo, and he would tell me funny stories about animals. Then we would play at the library I'm the children section. He would take me to get ice cream and then eat a meal....
.....he was the one...to really connect and let me be a kid....
.....he was my partner and a better parent and friend...than anyone...