Okay, i don't know what the hell is happening to me, but I just have to take this all out somewhere before I go bleak from overthinking. This is probably the first time I'm revealing this to people I don't even know but oh well. Let's do this.

I don't like to do anything.

Thinking about that sentence, it's probably really normal, right?

We all want to just laze around in bed everyday and sleep.

The problem is, I don't even want to sleep, nor do I want to stay awake.

Confusing? I know.

I'm confused as hell, too.

I don't remember the last time I actually had my own will telling me to do something, but now that I try to think about it, it goes far, far back into the past where I can't dig any deeper.

This phenomena is very normal for people my age, I know.

But why can't I have something I like to do anymore?

Okay, so, like, for example. . . I like to read.

But now I'm reading something just for the sake of finishing it.

I don't actually enjoy the book, but I'm reading it for the sake of reading.

I like to draw.

But now I draw just because I want to add something to my drawings. I don't actually enjoy the process of drawing. It's as if I draw because I want to show people that I still draw.

I sing.

But now I don't sing if it isn't needed.

Past is, I liked to do that because I loved to hear lyrics that were nice.

But now I don't think I've taken a liking to any song at all.

And it's as if I only sing for the sake of doing it, so I can show people that I still sing.

I like to write.

Ever since I was a kid, I wrote a lot of stuff. Essays, poems, short stories, etc.

But now I don't find enjoyment in writing at all.

At this very moment, I'm not actually 'writing' because this isn't creative at all.

It's some kind of a journal. I'm just putting my thoughts into this one without actually watching my words.

I wanted to write back then because I wanted to write.

But now I realized that I write just for the sake of telling people that I still do have the motivation to actually write some story.

I liked to watch.

Anime, movies, music vids, vocaloid vids, etc.

But now I find myself watching for the sake of doing something.

Because my observation so far is that I don't want to just sit idly, but when I try to do something, there isn't something I want to do.

I usually open an episode and close it immediately.

Then I browse through other shows and click on other stuff until I get bored at the repetition.

Then I abandon the task.

I have an idea for a story, but my mind doesn't want to do it. It won't allow me to finish it because I don't want to write anymore, but I have to write because that's one of the reasons why people know me as I am.

I want to draw. But I ditch it.

If one would look through my bin, it's full of crumpled paper having drawn figures on the surface.

Those are all the drawings I tried to complete despite the boredom.

It's as if. . . I do something for the sake of easing my boredom, but it isn't very effective because everything I do also delivers boredom.

Past is, if I thought about something I wanted to do, I would really like to do that and I'd be jumping around mentally in a second just to do what I thought about. It would usually be one of my hobbies such as those listed above, or playing some kind of instrument. But now I don't actually like playing instruments, and i play for the sake of assessing my nonexistent skills in playing it, so I can show people that i still play instruments because they know me as someone who does as stated.

I sometimes lie down for a few minutes, but my whole body starts to hurt because I'm not doing anything, but if I try to go out and walk, I don't see the sense of what I'm doing and go back to my room.

I feel like I want to sleep, but when I close my eyes, my whole brain screams "DON'T".

I only usually collapse from exhaustion, or I sleep for the sake of sleeping, because sleeping is normal for the human body and I have to sleep so I won't fall asleep the next day all too suddenly.

I want to remove my glasses, but I want to keep them on my face.

I want to wear a sweatshirt, but it's hot, so I don't. Then if I don't, I realize it's cold so I put it back on. And I keep wearing it for the sake of wearing it.

I want to say something, write something relevant but my mind goes blank and I end up staring at the paper or the screen.

I want to go down and say something to people, but I realize I don't actually want to talk so I discard of the thought and go back up.

I can't keep still, because keeping still means not doing anything.

But if I do something, I either ditch it or slack off because I don't find amusement in it.

I play RPGs and all for the sake of playing it, showing people that I still play what I used to play.

I don't like to go to school, but I don't want to NOT go to school, either. If I miss a day, i can't keep my cool. But if I get back there, I don't like to be there.

I don't like having nightmares, but I don't want to have a dreamless sleep. Though I miss the nightmares at times, I don't find them amusing if they come back and will them to go away. But then I miss the nightmares, and I wish for a nightmare.

I don't want any conflict because it's bothersome, but not having any conflicts in your life is boring. But then I realize that boredom is better than trouble, so I try to get that conflict fixed. But I end up ruining it, and I end up thinking that fixing a conflict is boring so I ditch the task and go on with my life.

I think living is boring, but I don't want to die either because dying means not doing anything. And if I don't do anything, my whole body starts to hurt and I want to take a walk or a jog. But then I realize that walking and jogging isn't something that can help me have fun, so I ditch the task and go back to my room.

Being a loud person is boring.

Being a stoic person is boring.

Being a normal person is boring.

Being an outstanding person is boring.

Being a slacker is boring.

But if I wanted to choose anything else, and if I want to do something, it's as if I find hate in what I do and turn away because it doesn't give m amusement.

Keeping a straight face is boring, but so is smiling. Sitting makes me uneasy because I'm not doing anything, but dancing makes me question why I do it when I don't want to do it.

So if being alive doesn't give me amusement and the thought of dying makes me uneasy, what should I do? I mean. . . If I don't want to do anything, but I want to do something at the same time, what the hell should I do, then?

If I'm not doing anything, I'm bored, but if I try to do something, it bores me all the same.

I want the rain, but I don't want to get soaked or get cold.

I want the sun, but I don't want heat.

My head starts to hurt from thinking, but if I try not to think about anything, I question why I don't think about anything when it doesn't give me amusement.

I'm probably making no sense at all, but that's what I think of this shit. It makes no sense.

This is probably the first and last time I'm gonna say something about my thoughts and I'll probably delete this later, IDK.