¨I can't do it anymore, it hurts too much," I start to sob out.

"Come on Addilynne, you can do this, I see the head!" Jackson tries to motivate me.

"Ready set.. PUSH!" Jackson calls out.

With all my strength I push along with the contractions. It feels as if my body is being ripped apart. I do not know how people do this. We have been on the road for 6 hours now. I am exhausted. I just want to sleep. Sleep always give me peace as long as there are no nightmares. But even then when I wake up from one I feel relieved, I cannot wake up from this.

With one final push I feel the baby come out. And not long after I deliver the placenta. 

"There we go, you did love," Austin said using a towel in attempt to clean the baby. 

I smile, "I did it," Before drifting off to sleep. 

*****

My eyes flutter open and the sound of a baby's cry fills my ears. From head to toe my whole body feels sore and achy. I try to sit up and I am welcomed with a sharp pain shooting down my lower stomach to my lady area. I wince out in pain.

"No you don't," Jackson says softly helping me back down. "Your body needs to heal." 

I look over at Austin who is asleep with the baby in his arms and then at dad who is asleep with Ayanna. It does not take me long before I realize the van is not moving. I look around and notice the only ones awake is Jackson and I. A towel is still draped over my legs and everything feels sticky. 

"I wanted to stay awake to make sure everything is okay and you seem to be doing just fine," He gives me a reassuring smile. 

I smile back not wanting to talk. For some reason I find myself feeling embarrassed. I know I should not be but I just cannot help it. I just hope nobody pities me.  I carefully lift up the towel keeping me from being exposed and I am greeted with a puddle of blood that I am sitting in. My eyes start to water as I let out quiet sobs..

Why me? Has been a question on my mind for so long. Now it is to the point where all I can think is why not me? Why anyone else? I feel like this is all I have. It IS all I have. I have no meaning to my life, I am just a punching bad. A punching bag on the edge of breaking.

I was trying to conceal my cries in fright that I would wake everyone up but it became pointless. Rarely can I cry without the feeling of an anxiety attack. I feel my lungs start to close and the familiar feeling of burning appears in my throat. I shake my hands trying to stop it but I am just so tired. I am slowly going deeper and deeper into the dark whole I try to escape every time. It is the opposite of feeling welcomed, it feels forced. Memories race across my mind like shooting stars. Just not as beautiful. I never do have a choice of the beauty in my life, do I?

I picture Mason standing over me before he raped me. I picture myself feeling helpless. I feel his hands gripping my thighs. Fighting to keep myself together I slowly feel myself going in and out. It must be the lack of oxygen. I dig my fingernails into the palm of my hand trying to distract myself.. trying to save myself. The sharp pain frees me. Slowly my vision starts to normalize. I see specks here and there but I am having trouble hearing. My ears echo with a loud ringing. I dig my fingernails in further being unable to feel it. Blood trickles down my finger. As I start coming back to reality my vision clears up. I look down and see that I was not digging my fingernails into myself. Austin blocked my palm causing me to do it to him instead. 

Out of anger I ball my hands into fists and slam them down onto my thighs. "I am so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I whisper over and over again. I just wish I did not mess everything up all the time. I always cause other people harm. I brought my child and family into this. I should have just stayed by myself, in a corner while watching the darkness flood over top of me.

But no I needed to find a sense of love. That is all anyone wants anyways. Love-- what is it anyways?

Ignoring the now present pain easily visible in each thigh, I grab Austins hand. Four indents are in the palm of his hand, each one with a bit of blood. I search Austins face. His eyes are swollen like he has been crying for hours, yet his lips are in a smile. He leans into me and wraps his arms around me. I hug him back. I always feel different when I am with Austin. I am covered with warmth and safety. Maybe that is love. I wish I could give him that.

Before I could fall asleep in his arms he released me. "Let's get you cleaned up yeah?"

I look over at Jackson holding the baby, he gets the signal and turns around. 

"I am scared," I told Austin. 

"I know but you are alright now I got you," his voice could soothe that of a crying crowd. 

He grabs a pile of towels, a rag and a bucket of water. I squeeze my eyes shut wanting to disappear. 

"Do you want me to hold a towel over you?" he gently asks.

I nod my head in agreement. He gives me the bucket of water and a rag. After he stretched the towel out giving me privacy I quickly dip the rag in water and wash myself. I then take another towel to soak up the blood beneath me. 

"Addilynne, you are going to have discharge blood, like a period, so fold up a towel or two and place them beneath you," Jackson says. 

I do as I am told and then I place another towel over my exposed self. I look at all the dirty towels and the last three clean ones. What do I do now? 

I steady my voice, "Okay I am done, but what do I do with everything?" 

"Here," Austin hands me a pillow case to store all of the dirty towels. 

I place all them all in the pillow case and twist it shut. Austin proceeds to grab everything and put it back in the corner of the van. 

"You ready to hold your baby now?" he asks with a generous smile planted onto his face. 

"Our baby," I whisper as Austin gets the baby from Jackson. 

"What should we name our baby?" Austin asks placing the baby ever so gently in my hands. 

I carefully scan the baby's face, studying each detail. "Is it a boy or girl?" 

"We have a boy," Austin proudly states, "He looks like you."

It is true, the baby looks nothing like Mason. He has hazel eyes, brown hair, and soft features that resemble mine. The only thing different is that his hair is curly, but it matches Austins."He is beautiful," I whisper. 

I look up at Austin and into his deep green eyes, "How is Noah?"

"I love it, his name is Noah."

I lean down and kiss Noah's head, "I love you Noah."

He beautiful eyes stares into mine and he starts to cry. Panic rises within me as I try to soothe him by light rocking him from side to side. His cries only get louder. "What do I do?" I look frantically between Austin and Jackson.

"You have to feed him," Jackson says. I hand Noah to Jackson to fix my shirt to allow me to feed Noah. Austin carefully unhooks my bra and helps me get my arms out my shirt but keeping it around my neck to only show one boob but covering the other. I get Noah back and put his mouth to my nipple. I never realized how swollen my boobs were until now.

Austin grave my hand, "Does it hurt?"

"No just feels weird." I laugh a bit in attempt to lighten the mood.

" You know you should be considered a super hero, " Austin says.

"And why is that?"

"Your body can do so and tolerate the unbelievable. I mean look at you, you are feeding a living thing by using your body, how cool is that?" He says amazed.

I laugh it off. If only he knew the amount of pain that comes with this body.

*****

It is not long before everyone begins to wake up. The only person not awake is the driver. It makes me question why we do not just escape. I look around at every door and realize why. All the doors have a lock on the them and chains that needs a combination to unlock. We cannot get to the driver because there is a chain linked gate-type thing blocking him.

I sigh in frustration. 

"Me hold baby?" Ayanna comes over to ask me. 

"Of course my love, just sit on Noah's lap and I will give him to you alright?" I smile at her. 

Her eyes immediately lit up and she can barely control her excitement. Noah lifts her up and sits her in his lap. I wait as Noah shows her how to hold her arms. Ayanna is so innocent so oblivious to what is happening. God knows I hate myself for putting her through this. I know they will not let any of us go but I also know they do not need all of us alive. I am desperate for something, a car crash maybe? Then we could escape. I cannot take much more of these empty feeling surrounding my head. I feel heavy but at the same time I feel nothing. How does that even work?

"You ready?" I smile talk Ayanna once she has her arms ready.

She nods her little head really fast. "Me ready," her soft voice says.

"Okay, be careful, alright my love?" I gently place Noah in Ayanna's arms ignoring the sharp pains that shoot through me. Austin immediately hold his arms under Ayannas in case she drops him. Ayanna just sits there speechless. She leans over Noah's tiny body and kisses him on the forehead repeatedly causing Noah to form his face into a smile while letting out a few laughs.

I find it strange how that baby was living inside of me, I was his home. Nobody could hurt him. He was safe. Now he is out in the open. A prey to the predators. I wish I could put him back. He does not deserve to be born into this. He deserves a safe and happy family. He deserves everything I never got. And yet here we are. My sweet little angel has been thrown in a dark and lonely pit. A pit we could not escape to save our own lives.