For the second time today I'm being tied up. This time to a wooden chair. Father says he has a surprise for me, and led me down the basement. I know it's gotta be something evil, but all I see is a tv, and tape.

Do you have to tie it so tight.

"Keep your eyes on the screen, if you look away I'll kill another pig and make you watch," an evil grin appears on his face.

I don't respond. I feel a lump in my throat. I'm already starting to panic. My body's sweating.

It's just a tape, he'll play something stupid then you can go.

Father inserts the tap in the old tv and hits play.

I stare at the screen not quite sure what's happening. I see my father in the kitchen grabbing a bunch of knives. Holding a camera in his hand. He grabs rope and leaves the kitchen.

He goes into his bedroom and places it on his nightstand. Then it hits me. I know what this is about. Tears well up in my eyes and tears make their way down my face. I feel fathers eyes on me.

Don't stop looking Adilynne, you got this.

Damn it! No I don't I can't do this.

I start sobbing and I hear my father laughing behind me.

Stupid bastard, go to hell.

The tv is now showing the part where I'm being tied to a chair facing his bed. My mother is being tied to the bed like I was earlier today.

This is the day my mother died.

My father use a knife and cuts my mother's clothes off. I was only 4, I didn't understand what was happening. I just saw my mom naked, then my father. He raped my mom. My mom was sobbing but tried to tell me everything was going to be okay.

I started crying. I was confused, I didn't know what they were doing. I just knew she was being hurt. He untied her and made her name him 'satisfied.' He threatened to kill me if she didn't pretend she wanted it. She pulled herself together and did it for me.

I will never forgive myself for that. I know it wasn't my fault, but I feel like I could've done something. Even if I couldn't have.

When he finished raping her, he tied her back up to the bad. He put a sock in our mouths then duct tape over top. He sat on her and began punching her in the face. She begged him to stop but he wouldn't.

I cried and yelled at him, telling him to stop. He didn't listen. He hit her everywhere, but made sure she was wide awake. When he was done he took the dullest knife. And did the same thing he did with the baby pig just worse.

He began at her feet. He carved his name into her foot. Blood was everywhere. She was in pain. I was crying. I couldn't move my head because he tied it back to the chair. I couldn't close my eyes because he duct tapped them so they would stay open.

I remember the burning in my eyes from them being open. I remember struggling to get out but never could. He moved to her leg. He started below the knee and dragged the knife down to her ankle. I can hear her muffled scream, like it was yesterday. He did the same thing to the other leg. Blood made its way out of her skin, staining the sheets.

He stopped. Only to rape her again while she was alive. Then he started again. He made five cuts horizontally on each thigh. Then five more on her stomach.

I remember seeing her body covered in blood. I don't how she didn't faint. He made smaller cuts on her breasts. Then a single cut in her cheek. He took the sharpest knife and cut off her pinkie toes.

Blood squirted on the walls. Blood covered the ground. She still didn't pass out. All I could do watch. I felt my heart being ripped open. I was watching my own mother die. And for what?

He took the knife and stabbed her in each foot. Then stopped. He raped her again. Blood was everywhere. He tossed the knife in the air and it landed. Stabbing her in the stomach.

That's when she passed out. I remember hearing the screaming stop, yet father kept going. I didn't understand why he was doing it. I didn't know what death was. I knew she was hurt. I didn't know she'd be leaving.

He stabbed every each of her body. I couldn't even see her any more. All I saw blood. He wasn't done. He took the knife sharpened it and cut off her arm. He took her arm and sat in my lap. I screamed and cried.

I just wanted my mom to hold me, but the arm she would hold me in was in my lap. Blood filled my lap soaking my clothes. He went back to stabbing her leaving me with a piece of my mom.
We he finished tearing my mom to shreds he cut off her head.

I watched her head fall onto the floor. It rolled until it stopped at my feet. My father untied me threatening to do the same to me if I misbehave. I didn't. I didn't talk or move, until he slapped me in the face. He started a fire in the fire place and put everything in their.

My mom, the sheets, blankets, our clothes everything. He made me hold on to her arm. I look at her hand and saw her ring I took off and hid it in my mouth. It was the only thing blood free.

I was forced to sit in front of the fire place and watch my mother turn to ashes. He made me throw her arm in too. It was then that I understood. I understood what death was. My mom wasn't coming back.

For years I cried myself myself to sleep. I had nightmares. Little things set me off. I have PTSD. I learned how to control it. I just wish I could be with my mom. Nobody knows where she is. Only I do. This is memory that will never leave me. And now sitting in front of this tv, years later, I'm reliving it.