"Who am I, you ask?
I'm made from all the people I've encountered and all the things I have experienced. Inside, I hold the laughter of my friends, the arguments with my parents, the chattering of young children ,and the warmth from kind strangers.
Inside, there are stitchings from cracked hearts, bitter words from heated arguments, music that gets me through, and emotions I can't convey.
I'm made from all these people and moments.
That's who I am"

- Ming D. Liu.

Edited by my chocolate bunny@rose-111 ❤
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Enjoy 💃❤
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Sometimes a little piece of your consciousness breaks off when you're there, in the middle of a living nightmare, feeling helpless and brittle. A part of you just... snaps off, and it hangs there, suspended in that moment.

Sometimes it isn't just one moment- it's several, and they're linked and compounded over time. Either way, there's a sliced off, wounded piece of you out there flapping in your past, suffering.

When a flashback gets triggered, you become that piece.

And that's what happened to her then.

She felt so dizzy and weak that her legs couldn't hold her, she fell to her knees breathing heavily. Her face was closed in a grimace, skin pale and clammy, fists clenched with blanched knuckles and her nails were digging deeply into her palms.

In the intense silence she somehow screamed with her whole body, not like one of those guys in some Tarantino movie being tortured, but worse. It had a raw quality, the realness of a person consumed by a pain that knew no end or limit.

The pain was engulfing her, molding into her until they became one. Her brain fogged up with thoughts, as some old memories flooded her mind :

She pulled her black hood over her saturated form, gathering all her strength to make her legs move forward, towards that place.

The weather was cold, not as cold as it will be when November comes, but the warmth of summer showers was absent.

Tears began to flood her sight, as she quickened her pace in the now pouring rain. Both of her arms were folded across her chest, which was rising and falling more abruptly than it should.

That night, she felt like each droplet rain that fell on her skin was full of just enough coolness to calm her racing mind down, to pull her away from the pain that seems to engulf her every time she comes to this place.

That place that she felt like it held her world as it brought her comfort and pain all at once. This was the place that took her breath away, but taught her how to find it again.

The Graveyard. That's what people called it.

The path through the graveyard was muddy, making her boots make that squish sound by each one of her steps.

Tombstones were the only thing that surrounded her, and as long as she can tell, nobody else was here with her. Maybe tonight she will be the only one to make a roll-call for a friend of hers who can no longer answer.

She walked through the tombstones, making her way towards him, that friend who was now buried ten feet under, along with her lost soul.

When she reached him, she couldn't help but shiver slightly at the way her skin tangled from either the cold night, or her broken thoughts.

"Hey," was the first thing that came out of her mouth, greeting him as though he was there, sitting on one of his favored arm-chairs with a book in his hands, and she imagined herself getting a hold of his attention, making him look up at her with that warm smile of his.

"I've missed you a lot. More than anything." Her voice was hoarse as she tried to contain her tears, to keep that promise that they once made when her grandfather died. They promised not to cry on each other's graves. Because they both once thought that tears will just sadden the soul of the dead person, and they're already burried ten feets under, so why not lighten up their moods by a smile or a small talk?

She sniffed, trying to make her tone a lighter one.

"I've missed your weird pranks, your late night chats, your morning texts, your flattering smile."

At this, she couldn't help but tear up again, as she remembered his smile.

"I've missed the feeling of having someone to lean on. I've missed your endless support." Both of her hands rose to her now tears-stained cheeks as she rubbed them away. But no matter how many times she rubbed them, her eyes seemed to have an endless supply of them, as they kept on falling non-stop.

"I am sorry." She suddenly blurted out after what seemed like a long pause.

"I am sorry I couldn't keep that promise we made. I just can't help it. You aren't here and it feels like .. like .." She broke down into a sob as she fell on her knees.

"Like a piece of me went missing. Like I am losing Gramps all over again." She couldn't help but compare how she felt when her grand father died to how she's feeling now, and it's exactly the same pain, if not worse.

"I can't breath without you here, I can't live." She whispered, her hands clenched into fists.

"I tried. I-I really did. I tried to live again, to laugh again, but I can't. It's like I've lost my laugh with you."

"You were my everything. You are my everything. And I miss everything. I can't live without my everything." She said, shaking her head slightly as her eyes burnt with tears again.

"They stopped me once, claiming that ending my life won't solve the problem. They said it won't make you proud." Memories of herself, standing on top of the roof of what used to be their favourite cinema building, flashed across her mind.

"But-but it'll send me to you, I'll be with you if I did it, right? If I ended my life I'll be with you, right?" She kept on asking him, as if she will hear his voice whisper her the answer gently, just like he used to do.

She reached her fingers forward, touching the fading etching on the gravestone.

"John Adams. died. 1.5.2016"

She read quietly smiling a little, but it was bittersweet .

"At least tell me that it will get better? That this constant pain will fade away somehow? That I will breath again, laugh again, and live again without you in my life? Come on John please, please." She pleaded, but she wasn't sure if she was pleading for him to come back or for him to take that pain away from her.

"You used to visit me in my dreams. Now you disappeared. You're gone. Completely gone. And I can't seem to keep up with that. I need you. Even if it was just in my dreams. Even if I had to wake up everyday and get hit by this bitter reality. That you're gone and I can't seem to live with that." Images of her waking up every morning, after seeing him in one of her dreams, and for a second she would forget that he's gone. But then her world would crumple down slowly when reality hits her.

_____Current time______

She was by now screaming and crying buckets, she was going to lose herself in that pain again, but a pair of hands wrapped around her in a tight warm hug as she heard someone whispering soothing words in her ear;

"Breathe Ella, breathe. Calm down. It's alright. I am here now." That voice, his voice, it was like whiskey to her ears, it set her blood on fire. And for the first time since she woke up in that cold room, she felt familiar.

She turned her head slowly, to look at him, maybe he was someone that she remembered. But as her eyes met his blue ones, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. She couldn't remember him, but one thing she did remember. Her friend, John Adams, she remembered reading his name and the same date of death on one of the corpses that were lying in that cold room that she was in.

What in hell was her friend's body doing in that room? And who was this guy that her whole body felt at ease around?

"Who are you?" She whispered, her eyes holding nothing but inrecognition.

"Lexis, Ella. Call me Lexis."

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HEYYY THEREEEEE * makes weird faces as a way of greeting*

so, what do you think? Like it? Hate it? Want cookies?

Tysm for 100 reads XD❤

Have a nice day :3

lots of love and cookies❤❤

-N