[Sunday, May 12, 2019]

{WARNING: Mentions of anxiety and intense Dysphoria ahead! Read with caution!}

So, it's Mother's Day, right? I decided to go out for once in my life and see a movie with my mom. It was the Detective Pikachu movie. It was good, by the way. I recommend it to anyone who loves action and Pokémon.
   Anyway, we went shopping afterwards. I am not a fan of shopping, especially not at this particular store. I mean, I don't mind it usually  and I went along because we took a trip to Books-A-Million (only the best book store) and I had a nice 20-minute+ conversation with this kind gentleman (he worked there) about manga.
   So, after walking in, my mom almost immediately takes us to the feminine products section. My thoughts go nuts.
Oh god. Oh no. No no no no. I don't want this. Please. I want to go home.
The visit ended pretty quickly, but the entire time I was rubbing on my worry stone in my pocket (I had a feeling that I'd need it, so I grabbed it before we left. Little did I know that I was right to trust my instincts.) I also had my jacket zipped up to hide my chest.
I thought that whole thing was going to be it.
Well, I was wrong.
We visited two more sections that made me just panic. (And this is why I don't like going shopping.) We went over to the Cosmetics aisles.
Oh god.
Makeup.
I can't stand this stuff. The last time I tried putting any on, I wanted to break down crying (it was for a Homecoming dance that my ex-crush invited me to last year around October, so it was before I realized that I was trans).
Obviously, I didn't want to be there, but I tried to be brave. This visit lasted a shorter amount of time than the feminine products, but it was still horrible.
The third and final (thank god) time was when we went into the Women's section of clothing, shoes, and other stuff. I guess just being there triggered my Dysphoria again and I almost completely stopped talking. It felt like all of the women in there were staring at me and judging me.
I may have come home and had an anxiety attack. I don't know for sure, but all I could think of was how I'll never pass as a male and that I'll always be misgendered and dead-named and I guess I lost it. That's my second anxiety attack ever, if it even was one.

Sorry for this entry being so full of Dysphoria. I didn't mean for it to be, but I just had to put all of this down. It feels good to talk about it, y'know?
Well, I think that's it.

Bye! Stay positive!