When Jay woke up, the cover of night had fallen like a blanket across the mountain.

He could tell from the darkness surrounding the curtains - expanding into the room, and for no other reason than gut feeling, it felt like evening; the air was distinct.

Cole was gone, no longer a makeshift pillow for a weary head, now he was laying lengthways on the sofa, wrapped in blankets with actual cushions tucked cosily under his neck. It was comfortable. He wondered who had managed to move him so gently that he hadn't awoken, and settled on Cole once more, always so strong yet his delicate touch never wavered, not even at the mercy of exhaustion.

Jay pulled the covers tighter. Half of him wanted to close his eyes and pretend to be asleep a little longer, bask in the innate tranquility of a pleasant resting spot, however it was not to be. There was a small bout of shuffling behind him, and then it stopped.

"... you awake?"

... of all people, why him.

Kai's voice lacked the usual hostility Jay had become accustomed to, it felt uneasy. That fact alone was disheartening.

"... ignoring me or what?" Kai said again.

He said nothing, and sat up in silence, flashing a look at him that clearly said 'piss off'. It earned an equally poisonous glare reflected right back.

"Why are you fucking looking at me like that. All I asked is if you were up."

He broke the eye contact, and continued making his way into the kitchen, evidently. He had a couple of empty mugs lodged between his arm and his stomach, with a third one in his hand.

"- and take that damn thing off. Zane told you to stop wearing it."

That one stung, and forcefully reminded him of the last incident between them. What right did he have to perform this mockery of care after being awful for god knows how long? The audacity riled up a deep set bud of anger in Jay's chest, a bud that had he not been half asleep, would have blossomed into a bush of thorns in a second.

Instead he managed with a quiet remark under his breath.

"Go fuck yourself."

Kai flinched, clearly hearing, all their senses were finely tuned after all. He didn't say anything though, instead taking much more deliberate steps towards his destination.

What a way to wake up.

Jay rubbed the crustiness out of his eyes, and groaned as the pains of torn muscles and bruises across his whole body made themselves known, no longer dulled by the cover of sleep. Exerting himself so much, and that terrifying fall into the caves, no wonder he was aching. An impromptu journey like that was, well, impromptu. A sudden shock to the body as much as it was a shock to him.

- and creeping in like an age old foe,
the ever present pains deep in his chest laid themselves on thick, thicker than all the rest, smothering all surrounding sensations in the waves of pain that washed through his system.

As much as it hurt to admit, Kai was right - and that fucking sucked.

Clattering from the kitchen suggested some kind of meal going on, or social gathering.

... not exactly what he had in mind at the minute. Proximity to a group of people felt strangely suffocating, even if not yet directly involved, and that was strange. Smothered without even making contact, though contact was necessary, and soon as well. Jay's throat already ached as he wondered... if it already felt this awful, would the pressure inside the kitchen squash him? Like gravity on Jupiter? Of course not, that was ridiculous, and still he wondered, as maybe being crushed against the floor would be preferable to seeing all those pairs of eyes, burning holes right through him.

Nothing was gonna get easier huh, there was no point waiting and waiting for a false possibility or a miracle to come along and make it all right again.

Some things had to be faced head on.

He really would have preferred to shower and freshen up first, but... they were likely quite worried. Eating in silence was never a good sign of high hopes.

Times like this were always agonisingly awkward, everybody averting their eyes and trying to stop their metal knives from scraping the bottoms of the porcelain plates, making that horrible screeching noise that left muscles tensing.

Lloyd was the one who always tried to kick up some semblance of a conversation, and the kid was so resilient that it often worked, no matter how bad the previous argument or incident had been.

- and Lloyd wasn't here. No sign of him, no news from him. Jay was worried, thinking about it. How Long had it been now, since he departed? He'd lost track of time. Lost track of everything.

It was pitiful, this stupid repeating loop of anger and cold shoulders, as much as he knew he couldn't criticise it too heavily. After all who else was carrying it on more than he was.

Even Kai talked to him unprompted.

Kai.

Just as he was deciding to keep away from everyone for a little while longer, a pair of feet came clattering towards him - no effort to be quiet whatsoever. Zane. Thank heavens, someone who already knew the story. No strained questions with lacklustre answers, comfort in mutual understanding.

"Jay! Kai mentioned that you had awoken from your rest! I do hope it was satisfactory."

"Ah... it was fine, I guess." he mumbled, "-could have been better."

"I am sorry to hear that. Hopefully you will be able to experience a more thorough sleep tonight. Though the fact you have woken up at this time, may prove difficult."

He wavered for a second, almost forgetting what he was doing, and then his face lit up, remembering.

"Of course! I brought your food. I judged that it would be overly stressful to be forced in front of a room full of people. If my conclusion was false however, please do correct me."

Zane held out a plate of food. Jay could tell by the smell alone that the chef was directly in front of him.

"No you were right, thanks. That really helps."

"Of course. If you would like, I will sit here with you to finish my own plate?"

"Oh- no you don't need to do that for me."

"It is up to you. I am more than happy to."

Jay smiled. As much as having to see four expectant faces zoned in on him like a target was... a horrible proposition, it was still lonely out here. He nodded silently. Zane quietly replied with a brisk 'excellent!', then rushed back in and out again to collect his own helping.

"I mentioned to everyone that you'd rather be left alone for now, and they all understand."

"Ah... great."

"Indeed. I am well aware the state of our family - if you can even call it that anymore - has been rather volatile and difficult lately, though even so, we all care for you a great deal and want to help you through this. Even if the best way we can aid you is providing a wide berth." he articulated, taking a pause to continue eating.

Watching Zane consume food was always strange, in such an uninteresting way. He was perfect, not a single miscalculation nor slip up. Perfect wielding of whatever cutlery was suitable, nobody had once seen him drop as much as a grain of rice. It was moderately mesmerising.

"... Jay? Sorry to rush you, but are you not hungry?" Zane piped up, robotically enthusiastic.

"Hmm? Ah, no- I mean! Yes! I just got distracted. Sorry."

"No need to apologise, I only wanted to offer a piece of tupperware to store your food in if now was not an appropriate time."

Attentive as always.

"No no, I'm good. Thank you."

There was a pause before he continued.

"... sorry for always causing you so much trouble."

There was a sigh, and Zane shook his head, raising his hand as if swatting the statement away like a fly.

"Tupperware is no problem."

"I meant-"

"I know Jay. I was only trying to jest."

He placed his plate down on the coffee table, knife and fork making two clinking noises as he settled them as well.

He spoke softly, "There is no problem, as long as you let us help. When you refuse help, that is the problem."

It stung, and it stung deep, aching and rotting away layer after layer of internal protections and coping strategies that Jay had clung tight to for years.

He was right.

When he threw the concerns of others back in their faces, and committed to powering through when it was clear that he'd lost the energy to do that long ago... there were secondary casualties; and he'd been ignoring that.

"... sorry." Jay mumbled.

"Jay. Stop."

Zane's tone took a more confrontational spin, though still gentle and careful with each and every word.

"I don't want you to be sorry, nobody wants you to be sorry. We only want you to allow us to aid."

The urge to say sorry still stuck in his throat, a blockage that wouldn't let anything else by without bringing it along. It had always been such an everyday part of his vocabulary, sorry this, sorry that, sorry for things that were and weren't his fault, sorry when it wasn't needed. Sorry to fill silences, sorry to link sentences, sorry to avoid conflict and sorry to deflect, distract, contract and most of all, sorry to apologise.

Other than connectives, perhaps the word he had used most throughout the years since birth.

"... your food will get cold."

Jay couldn't gauge Zane's emotions, nor expression. Whether he was upset, neutral or content, there was not a single clue he could fixate upon.

All he wanted to say was sorry.

Sorry was not welcome.

So Jay went back to his food, eating even more robotically than his company... and said nothing at all.