Jay slammed his bedroom door closed, and practically threw himself onto the bed. His blood boiled with anger he hadn't felt in a long time, and on top of that, had to fight back tears. Waves of tears that crashed against his tightly shut eyes like the ocean against a cliff.

What... was... that guy's, problem? Why the hell would he do that?

Had he really stooped so low, become so sour and petty and cruel to go out of his way to cause problems?

Yes, Kai had been pretty damn horrible recently, especially to him but... Jay had never thought that he'd go as far as to take his binder.

Was it possible to feel betrayed when almost all trust had already been lost?

The room felt as if it had dropped ten degrees, and the atmosphere was stale and tense. All the initial motivation from when he first woke up had disappeared, and he couldn't be bothered to even collect the rest of his clothes from the dryer.

What a way to start off the day.

———

Cole and Zane washed up together after breakfast, partially out of respect for keeping Jay's place tidy, and partially to keep themselves away from the other volatile individuals in the house.

"I had half a mind to make Kai wash up his own plate." Zane sighed, passing a handful of clean knives and forks to Cole to dry them with a tea towel.

Cole stayed quiet, the scraping of metal on metal filling the space until Zane broke it again.

"... why do you think he did such a thing?"

He just shrugged, not knowing how to answer. Stealing Jay's binder was an absolutely abhorrent thing to do, the lowest of the low to take an important piece of properly from somebody who should have been called a friend.

But despite how terrible he felt for thinking it... a nagging itch at the back of his head kept saying that maybe... just maybe... forcibly removing his binder was the only way to stop him from wearing it. From slowly damaging his lungs more and more each day, especially with the condition that Zane brought to light. Cole respected his bodily autonomy, and would never dream of forcing him to do something that would hurt him so deeply, though the concerns were all still there.

"... I don't know."

"It feels like many of Kai's actions seem to be without logic lately."

"... yeah..."

They worked through the load slowly but steadily, in comfortable and mutual quiet from that point. Sponge squeaking against the plates, clacking of cutlery, low breathing, and oddly... whirring from Zane's side. He was clearly deep in thoughts of some kind.

Cole wanted to ask, though couldn't bring himself to.

They finished up and Zane drained the water, sadly watching it swirl down the pipe, disappearing. What to do now?

Zane didn't know. No new activities sprung to mind, so when Cole made a decision for himself, Zane - secretly - was almost relieved.

"... I'm gonna go talk to him." Cole spoke.

"... to Kai?"

"What? God no."

Cole knew as a fact that if he came face to face with Kai, he'd have more than just words to embody his distaste. Better to avoid him entirely than start even more problems than there already were.

"... it is good that I left him a plate of food then. Can you take it up?" Zane asked.

"Sure. Anything else?"

"... no, just... tell him that he's always free to talk to me if he wants to or needs to. Jay that is."

"Hah, figured."

He carefully lifted the plate of food, which Zane had kept hot by leaving it in the oven on a very low setting. The plate probably would have burned anybody else, causing them to drop it instantly as a reflex, sending the pottery splintering across the carefully tiled floor, food ruined as well. Cole's hands though, had toughened up over the years, especially since he was constantly working with rock.

His hands had to adapt, or else he'd be constantly covered in blisters. He had never bore much mind to it, until times alike this one.

He selected a knife and fork from the newly washed and dried, and made his way up the stairs.

Cole realised halfway up that, he didn't actually know which room he was looking for. He knew that Jay was somewhere upstairs due to the thundering of footsteps he heard after he stormed off, but, not room specific.

It wasn't hard to evaluate though. One look down the corridor he entered, and the room down at the far end was the only one with a door left ajar. A light was on inside as well.

Cole had found their blue ninja.

He walked up and gently knocked on the door, waiting for a reply before he spoke.

"... who is it?"

"... it's Cole. Is it alright if I come in?"

"... oh, yeah. Sure."

He pushed the door open with his shoulder, and gave Jay a half smile.

"... heya Bluebell."

The nickname didn't evoke the usual cheery or cheeky reaction, just a small change in how Jay held himself, straightening up slightly instead of slouching.

"... Zane asked for me to bring you some food up."

"He really is the group mum, huh."

"Absolutely."

Jay wiped his eyes and swallowed, trying to bring some wetness to his excessively dry mouth and throat. Crying was more dehydrating than people thought.

Cole could tell that while he was grateful, Jay had near to no interest in eating. He slid it onto a sturdy wooden desk on the oposite side of the room, then sat down next to his friend on the bed.

He hadn't had a change to take in the surroundings yet, and properly scanned the room at last.

"... wow... how did you feel when you first found this?" He asked.

Jay shrugged.

"... shocked... I guess..."

Cole let out a long sigh, and turned to him.

"... do you wanna talk about... you know. What happened just now."

Another shrug, no verbal follow up this time.

"... if you just wanna rant at me as I listen, that's cool too. Rant, talk, whatever. If you just want some space, I can do that too."

He nodded, acknowledging the options. Cole was ready to leave, sensing that it would be what Jay wanted, but then, he caught his breath as he began to talk.

"... I... I just... I don't, understand... why... he'd do that. I know he doesn't like me. I know he... maybe even hates me. But... why would he go out of his way... just to hurt me...?"

Jay repositioned himself, staring at his nails as if they were interesting.

"... a few months ago, I was his friend and he was mine. I still haven't... gotten used to.... this. This... hostility. I'm just... I'm hurt. I'm really hurt, and I don't know what to, well, do. I don't know what to do."

He hung his head, seemingly ashamed of the emotions that flashed across his face.

"... and to top it all off, Nya's... confusing me again. Yesterday, she was acting like nothing had happened to change between us, like we were still together. I don't know what she thinks of me or what she wants of me, and I hate it."

He decided to go along with it and act like he hadn't noticed.

"... I'm sorry man... must be tough."

"... all I want is for everything to go back to normal. How it was before all of this."

"... I know how you feel."

"... do you...?"

A flash of annoyance poked at him. Did he? Of course he did. Everything had gotten more stressful for everybody lately, and their team was falling apart at the seams. Why wouldn't he want to go back to the old days?

"Yeah, I do. Everything was so much simpler, even just a couple months ago."

"Mmh hmm..."

He decided to try and change the subject. The current one was only bringing the mood steadily down, dampening it with every added statement.

"... there's been something I've been meaning to ask you for a little while now. I hope it's not too... out of the blue."

"Hmm? Ask away, I'm sure you won't be asking anything outrageous."

"Definitely not! Or at least, I hope not."

Cole shuffled around, folding his fingers together and staring deliberately at the carpeted ground in front of them.

"... how exactly did you, you know, know that you liked guys?"

Jay lifted his head up and looked at him at last, eyes wide.

"... what?"

"You heard me."

"Yeah yeah I know I just... nobody's ever really, asked me that before."

He leant back against the wall, sifting through his thoughts.

"I dunno. One day it just hit me I guess." Jay sighed, "... any particular reason you asked?"

Cole shrugged, keeping a genuinely neutral face and posture.

"Just curious. I've never properly talked to anybody about sexuality before."

A slight shade of red tinted his cheeks.

"... alright, maybe there's a bit more reason than that." he added with a smile.

Jay let out a laugh.

"Knew it."

The atmosphere had lightened already. It was astounding, what a small bit of positive chatter could do.

"... how long have you been thinking about it?"

"I wouldn't be able to say. I've always been... questioning I guess, but I never really paid much attention to it. There's always been more important stuff going on, and I've never really cared anyway."

"Well, your secret is safe with me, not that anybody else would mind. I mean, somebody would, but what's he gonna do?"

They engaged in more casual talking, the exquisite design of the villa, plans to visit the gardens outback at some point. Jay even ate a little of the breakfast Cole brought up, which was a clear sign he was feeling better. After he sat back down, however, he fell into a short coughing fit, and was left struggling to catch his breath afterwards.

Cole's smile faded near instantly.

"... you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, just... out of breath."

He bit his lip, wanting to say a lot more, though he tried to say what came next as kindly as he could muster.

"... maybe you should try to take a break from your binder soon."

Jay gave him a sarcastic look, triggering the twinge of annoyance to come back with a vengeance.

"Jay, I'm serious. You heard just as well as I did what Zane said."

"I know, but it's not that simple. You know it's not that simple, Cole."

"... Jay... I'm not trying to sound like a d*ck, I'm just worried. I know you've been wearing it way too much, for a long time as well."

"As I said, it's not that simple."

Was he actually trying to hurt himself more? Cole knew that dysphoria was a huge struggle for him, a huge struggle for all trans people, but surely his health was more of a priority?

"... I've heard that if you bind dangerously you can ruin your chances for top surgery in the future."

That seemed to hit a little deeper.

"... like I'm ever gonna be able to get that."

"Didn't you just inherit a whole bunch of money?"

They could both feel tensions rising, but neither did anything to stop it.

"Never said it was a money problem."

"Then what is the problem?"

"... how do I know I'll even live long enough to get it."

Cole gritted his teeth. That could mean a few things, and none of them were good.

"... what the hell are you suggesting?"

Jay furrowed his brows and turned away.

"Whatever, it doesn't matter."

"Jay, it does matter. You're hurting yourself and all I-"

"It. Doesn't. Matter."

"... Jay-"

"Can you leave now?"

Cole was speechless. He'd been nothing but concerned and calm and he hadn't a clue of why Jay was suddenly being so... hostile. Angry.

He opened his mouth to say something else, but Jay cut him off before he could.

"I said, can you leave?"

"... what the f*ck man?"

"I-"

"I'm just trying to be a good friend and you're treating me like I'm against you!"

"Well maybe you should try a bit harder."

"... excuse me? Try harder?"

"Yeah. Instead of calling me an idiot for wearing my binder you could be a bit more understanding."

"Quit putting words in my mouth. I never called you an idiot, when did I say that?"

"You didn't say it but you made it bloody clear that you thought it!"

Cole has stood up to leave but turned back around at that statement.

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell me what I was thinking. Last time I checked, you're not a mind reader."

"Oh sorry, didn't realise I wasn't allowed to say what was clearly happening."

All civility had been thrown out of the window.

"... you know what? You know what Jay? Yeah! You are being a bit of an idiot! Only an idiot would intentionally screw up his already damaged f*cking organs!"

"Last time I checked, Cole, you aren't trans, how the hell do you know how much I struggle?!"

"I know that you struggle, ok! I know that! I just thought that you'd have enough common sense to consider your wellbeing as well!"

Jay squeezed his fists together until his knuckles went white. His face however, was steadily beating up, and becoming an irritated shade of red.

"Of all people, I thought you'd understand the most, I really really thought-"

"I'm not just gonna be an enabler for you! If you're doing something stupid I'm going to tell you to stop!"

"... Cole, just get out."

"What? So you can wallow in your own self pity? The world doesn't revolve around you Jay!"

"Cole, get out. Can you please just-"

"Take a look at the bigger picture for once. When you pull crap like this, the rest of us all get worried as well, you are the only person you're hurting!"

Something snapped then. The last scraps of decency were blown away in gust of fury, and all memory of the joyful conversation staged just fifteen minutes ago dissipated in a second.

"Cole would you just, gET THE F*CK OUT OF HERE."

The sudden yelling took Cole by surprise for a second, and rendered him silent as Jay began to cry pitifully in front of him, stood up, but shaking vigorously.

"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS?! DO YOU HAVE SOME STUPID GRUDGE AGAINST ME? DO YOU JUST SET OUT TO F*CKING HURT ME?!"

He tried to wipe his eyes but the tears just kept flowing, dribbling down his face like a broken water fountain.

"YOU ALWAYS OUTPERFORMED ME, I WAS ALWAYS THE BUTT OF THE JOKES, YOU RUINED MY RELATIONSHIP, AND NOW THIS TOO? WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU?!"

"... WHY ARE YOU BRINGING THAT UP, THAT HAPPENED YEARS AGO AND I'VE KEPT APOLOGISING EVER SINCE!"

"IT STILL F*CKING HURTS! A HALF ASSED APOLOGY DOESN'T STOP IT FROM HURTING!"

"WHY DID YOU SAY YOU'D FORGIVEN ME IF YOU HADN'T?!"

"BECAUSE IT'S EASIER TO F*CKING PRETEND, COLE!"

Everything that could cause any upset was fired off in a second, verbal bullets piercing all the most vulnerable places. For Jay, this was worse than any argument involving Kai, at least he could partially detach himself from those ones. He could focus in on the fact that Kai just didn't understand, Kai just wanted to be cruel, Kai just tried to do the things he did. Cole though... Cole was supposed to be a friend. Somebody he could trust. Somebody he could confide in when times got tough.

But here they were, screaming at each other as if they were mortal enemies. Tearing at each other's insecurities with vicious intent.

"EVERYTHING HAS TO BE ABOUT YOU AND YOUR ISSUES, AND IF ANYBODY TALKS ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE THEY'RE SUDDENLY THE BAD GUY."

"THAT'S NOT F*CKING TRUE, I'M ALLOWED TO THINK OF MYSELF SOMETIMES, WOULD YOU RATHER I JUST WORSHIPED YOU? YOUR EMOTIONS ARE OBVIOUSLY WAYYYY MORE IMPORTANT THAN MINE!"

"JAY, JUST GROW UP. THIS ALL STARTED FROM YOU REFUSING TO DO THE SENSIBLE THING AND GIVE YOUR BLOODY LUNGS A BREAK. ALL OF THIS CAME FROM YOU REFUSING TO SEE SENSE."

"CLASSY, JUST BLAME EVERYTHING ON ME HUH? TYPICAL COLE MANOEUVRE."

The words climbed up Cole's throat, stinging as they went. He knew full well that this was going to hurt, he knew that releasing a single one out would be a very bad idea... he knew that turning around and leaving without a word was the smartest thing to do. He knew all of this... yet, Jay had weaselled out almost every pet peeve he possessed, and along with this, the frustration of having his care and worry thrown away like trash... rendered him at mercy to impulse.

As soon as his shout entered the air, he regretted it, and a sense of guilt more powerful than he had ever felt curled around his windpipe and choked him.

"... MAYBE THIS IS WHY NYA LEFT YOU JAY. MAYBE SHE'S DODGED A GOD DAMN BULLET, CAUSE YOU'RE NOTHING BUT AN ATTENTION SEEKING, SELF OBSESSED, STUCK UP, ARROGANT ASSH*LE. WHY WOULD SHE WANT TO BE WITH YOU?! WHO WOULD EVER WANT TO BE WITH SOMEBODY WHO CAN'T LOVE ANYTHING OTHER THAN HIS INFLATED F*CKING EGO."

The sound seemed to resonate, repeating itself again and again long after Cole had fallen silent.

The string entered Jay's ears, bouncing around his brain, beating every syllable into place. Stuck in place.

It was all he could hear.

The colour in Jay's face drained in an instant.

His eyesight - which was already blurry before - now quickly became almost translucent, everything fading into one chaotic canvas, everything blurring together into what could only be described as a mess.

He needed to get out of there. He... he needed to. He needed to leave, straight away, without any obstacles or annoyances.

Cole blurred in with the background. Silent.

They were both silent.

This had gone, way, way, way... too far.

Too far.

It started slowly. Chest rising and falling, thoughts staring to speed up and lose coherency, hands shaking without control. Jay's breathing quickly went spiralling out of control, and he darted forward, pushing past Cole without a care at all. He didn't pay any mind to anything or anyone else, he just needed to get out.

Stairs, hallways, walls, doors. His feet thundered against the floors as he lost more control over his body.

Hallways stretched unnaturally, perspectives seemed off. Surely he should have been out by now?

How could Cole say something like that. Surely it was just the tensions, just the anger coming out. He didn't... really... think... those things, did he?

He couldn't.

Jay couldn't breathe.

Before he knew it, he was outside. The mountain wind smacked him across the face, stinging and burning like fire for a split second. He didn't stop moving.

Past hedges, through arches, losing all sense in his legs to the point where they lost all strength, and he collapsed in a heap in the middle of the villa's garden.

Nothing but an attention seeking, self absorbed, stuck up, arrogant assh*le. Nothing but an attention seeking, self absorbed, stuck up, arrogant assh*le. Nothing but an attention seeking, self absorbed, stuck up, arrogant assh*le.

The words repeated in his head and he couldn't get them out. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't see, he couldn't pay attention to anything. Everything was going wrong.

Jay stared into the distance, blinded by his own streaming tears and crippled by his body's inability to do as he wished.

As much as the panic hurt, as much as his inability to move frustrated him, as much as his own brain made things worse and worse through gross over exaggeration... nothing hurt more than hearing those things come directly from his best friend.

Nothing hurt more, than knowing what Cole...  really thought about him.