(this is the most cringe chapter you can just skip it nothing important happens lmao)

A million shards of glass, a billion tonnes of force,
Choking, choking me till I burst.

It was going so well, now my secret is out.
It was going so well, now my heart has been crushed.
It was going so well, now my thoughts are all muddled.
It was going so well, now my feelings are varied.

I'm angry, yet I let the anger float away like a boat on calm waves.
Washing me under, drowning, drowning so wonderfully, still breathing. Barely.

I'm broken, now. I've lost all I had. I've lost all the love I've ever obtained.

It's unrequited. I'm a duo of one.
A bouquet left out to dry in the sun.
Once a marvellous feast of the eyes,
Now simply a rotting mess to despise.

A simple rhythm inside, beating. Distant memories, fleeting. Tap, tap, tap. Is this madness?
Or is it a pathetic attempt to prevent it?

Either way, I still lie here. Quivering like a child with no warmth. Sobbing like a spoilt brat during summer. I can't bring myself to leave.

Is this panic? I certainly feel it. Rising up in my lungs, making it hard to breathe. Impossible to breathe. I feel faint. I feel dizzy. The world spins like a Ferris wheel, on which couples kiss in reckless abandon. Kaleidoscope madness, a thousand different shapes. I can't make anything out.

I can't get out.

I hear a voice saying my name, but I don't even listen. Perhaps a friend. Perhaps an enemy. Logic is warped. Both yet neither.

I am utterly useless.

I try to calm down but I can't. I try to breathe slow but my throat won't let me. I'm going mad, aren't I?

But...

No. There's no chance. She said so, though not at me then, she'd say it here now.

I'm not stupid. Or delusional. Or just a bloody joke. It hurts, but they don't see that. It hurts, but they don't care. Nothing but a joke. Nothing but the laughing stock.

And they wonder why I sometimes hate them?

Never for long. Fleeting seconds. Snapshot moments where I wish to throttle them, but I don't, and the moment passes. Because no matter what they think...

I am not a bloody joke, and if they treat me like a joke again somebody's throat I'll choke.

... no... I won't. They're my family.

What was I thinking?

You probably think I'm insane. I'm not. I'm just upset. Have you ever had your deepest secret ripped from secrecy? Don't judge me. They all know now. Some I know will treat me well, but others...

Lungs shrinking, heart palpitating, lungs screaming, heart breaking, lungs crying, heart dying... after all this my brain's still lying.
One part of it still stays optimistic, smiling away, full of fakery.

It says that everything will be alright. Hasn't it seen life? How fates always fight?

The happy fate will draw it's sword, but stand no chance against the darkness horde.

But who am I kidding? In what mental world would I have a story?

Followers and fans?

Adoring readers?

No. That's not me. That's not here. That's not plausible at all.

I'm trash. I'm nothing. I bet even my parents don't want me. How much of a mess am I, to have broken the bond of unconditional love?

I watch as the world turns, twisting, morphing. My dopamine crumbles along with endorphins.

C r a c k.

A sickening crack, stretching along my very existence, breaking it open, revealing my secrets.

As my friends sit outside, hearing me scream. I wonder what they think of me.

Thought of me.

Because that's all gone now.

Fractured and smashed. Tumbling down,

Down,

Down,

Into the abyss of insanity that I now call my home.

But am I insane?

Or am I just heartbroken. Screaming. Begging. Dreaming.

I hope this is a dream, just a nightmare.

But it isn't. I can feel my fingers dig into my arms as I scrabble for something to clutch at. I can feel as my head gets light, from the constant hyperventilation.

I need a preventation.

Although, that isn't a word. Preventative is right. Preventation? Doesn't exist. I'm stupid though, aren't I.

My brain can't even use words right.

Even in my head, my language is wrong.
I can't do this. I can't stay strong.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.
I should have known this all along.

I'm not special.

I'm.

N O T.

S P E C I A L.

Jay Walker.

Jealous

Angry

Young

Worrying

Apathetic

Loser

Killable

Eccentric

Ridiculed

All these things I am. All these things am I. What even is grammar? Why does it matter?

I hate this. I hate everything. I hate me.

I need to calm down but... I... I can't. I can't. I can't.

I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't. I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't.

I can't think I can't speak I can't breathe I can't think I can't feel I can't love I can't hate I can't live I can't die I can't see I can't hear I can't do anything all I can do is just scream scream scream and hope that soon it will all be over forever.

This will change me... forever.

I've lost them. Kai. Cole. Zane. Lloyd. Nya. Sensei. Cole. Kai. Lloyd. Sensei. Nya. Zane. Cole. Kai. Sensei. Nya. Lloyd.

Why would they give a damn about me after this? After they've seen how weak and stupid I am.

After they've found out what I am.

What I will always be.

What I have always been.

What is the point of living if I don't have the few people I care about...?

Though I... I... I... I can't do that.

Last time...

Mum and Dad... were so...

D i s t r a u g h t.

I have to love, to live, for them. Mum and Dad. Ed and Edna. Edna and Ed.

Even if I wish I could just die... and all of this would be over.

I have to leave this tiny room. If I don't... this will carry on forever.

I think I head a knocking, I hear it between my sobs. Lloyd? Maybe.

I think... if it's him... I'll let him in.

Lloyd won't hate me.

...

...

...

...

I hope.

...

...

...

...

It was going so well, now my stomach is sick.
My crafted façade has been smashed by a brick.