— BUCK'S POV, train wreck

He understood. Well, really, he tried to understand. Because he was no stranger to the frustrations of visiting hours — he'd witnessed family members of victims pleading with desperation to have a moment longer, to not be turned away, and told to come back the next day — but this was different. 

And it was selfish, was it not? To think like that? To understand visiting hours when it was a stranger stuck in a hospital room, but not when it was his brother.

Instead of understanding why visiting hours were set in place, he despised the rule. The moment a nurse had stepped into Nathan's room, softly explaining to the distraught younger sibling still dressed in his fire-gear — his jacket was thrown to the floor behind the chair he'd sat on since entering — that he now had to leave, fire had lit his veins. Nothing had ever sounded so ridiculous. What exactly was he disturbing by remaining where he was?

He'd stay still as a statue if it meant he could stay, some weak attempt to bargain more time.

Because leaving his brother in the hospital bed had felt as if somebody was slamming rocks against his stomach. One smack after another. Trying to break through his skin and crack his ribs open. But he'd been quick to return, having hardly slept, grateful for the clearance that Bobby had given to him in order to soak up every second of the visiting times. His mouth began to run before he could really think about what he was saying simply for the sake of company. Talking about the hectic rush of the morning.

"It's a matter of Nathan waking up from surgery, Mr. Buckley," They'd said to him when he'd asked, a plea in his gaze. It hadn't been twenty-four hours yet, he knew that, and they knew that, but they'd taken pity on him. "Your brother's state is responding to the severe trauma. His body is doing the best it can and we have every hope that he'll wake up."

Hope. Not belief. Hope. The choice of wording had only made Buck nod, returning to clutching his brother's cold hand that had yet to respond. He felt sick. Because never, and Buck really meant it, had he seen his big brother unresponsive in such a manner.

When they were children, Buck used to climb up in his brother's bed in the mornings and jump on top of the grumpy teenager. It'd take a whole ten seconds before Nathan, ever the same, would jump upwards and wrap his arms around his kid brother and tug Buck down with him, smacking a pillow into Buck's side in vengeance. 

For a long while, it used to be Buck's favourite time of the day — those mornings with a brother when Maddie eventually began staying out overnight at Doug's.

It was just past midday now. Buck hadn't really eaten, despite Bobby having dropped by to drop off a container — meatballs — for him for his lunch, because the thought of eating felt wrong. He wouldn't, Buck had decided with shaking shoulders as he leaned his head down again against the white sheet beside Nathan's hip, not until his brother woke up.

His eyes had just began to close, desperate for some sleep, the sound of the door opening interrupted his plan. He'd not personally invited anybody, but glancing up, Buck had to blink back more tears at the sight of a distraught Maddie. All morning she had managed to hold herself together, despite the rawness to her voice and the way her hands had shook as she held Robin in an embrace.

Buck was up and out of his seat within a second, one hand coming up. "It's — it's worse than it looks," He's lying about that, because his brother hadn't had a pulse. For over two minutes, he'd not been breathing, but he decided not to tell his sister that information just yet. Not when Nathan hadn't woken up. It would only serve to worry her more and that was the last thing he wished to do. "Nathan's going to wake up."

Maddie's fingers skim the side of Buck's arm, holding herself there for a second, before putting her bag down at the bottom of the bed as she rushes forward, one hand resting on top of Nathan's wrist and the other beside his shoulder. She knew Buck wouldn't of been told that Nathan would be waking up. She'd already spoken to the desk, hands planted on the front as the nurse filled her in with what had happened to her brother's injuries.

He'd risked his life, a little more unknowingly than what he'd of expected to happen, for a child as the ceiling caved in.

What terrible, terrible luck.

So terrible of luck that it suited that of a Buckley perfectly.

"I already know everything, Buck," Maddie softly informed her youngest brother, looking over at him as he moved back around the other side of Nathan. Robin was at school, confused and a little concerned about her Father's absence. "I had to call Robin's Mom on my way here, but. . . she can't get back. Not right now. She's going to as soon as she can."

"What?" Buck frowned, displeased at the news. All night, he had been worrying about his brother and his niece. The last thing Robin needed to be seeing was her Father in this state, and Nathan would never of allowed that either, Buck would believe. No, Buck knew. Nathan did everything he could to protect his daughter, and Buck wanted to follow that through. "Did you tell her that Nathan — that Nathan —" But he couldn't say it.

"Yes," Maddie reassured him, calming his annoyance. "She was distraught, Buck. Her husband is going to come back and help with Robin."

A deep breath and Buck found himself nodding, eyes flying to his brother's sleeping form. He knew that Justin and Nathan were close, they were good friends which was a bonus for Robin, and even more now that Justin was needed. It was a weight lifted. Buck wasn't sure how he would be able to look Robin in the eye each time she asked to see Nathan knowing that his brother would fight tooth and nail that she never stepped foot in his hospital room.

Nathan would be glad that Robin was safe with Justin whilst Buck and Maddie went between work and his visiting hours.

"He's going to be fine," Maddie smiled the best she could at her youngest brother, eyes soft and comforting. She couldn't handle the fact of one brother being unable to open his eyes and the other on the verge of a breakdown all the while holding herself together because she was the eldest. It was her job to keep them together. "It's Nathan."

That got a laugh out of Buck.

It was Nathan. That was true. He was too stubborn to let himself leave the world earlier than he planned.

"Have you called Mom or Dad?" Maddie dared herself to ask. It was a question that had been beating at the back of her mind even though she knew the likely answer.

Nathan had no relationship with them. Back home, it was only in the recent year or so that their parents had began to really talk about Nathan, and his daughter, their only grandchild, that they'd never even met or seen a photograph of. Her Mother, especially, swelled on it more often now. But she doubted it was something that Nathan would take pity on.

( It was during their Mother's third trimester that they had found out Daniel was sick and Maddie, being so little, hadn't known that such a life-changing hospital appointment would be so cruel to her unborn sibling. 

Their Mother had dared to pretend that she wasn't carrying another babe, which was only the start of what would be a forever thing. It was as if Nathan didn't exist most of their childhood, and Maddie knew that Nathan had been quick to adapt and take advantage of it. )

And now, he refused to let wounds heal.

He wouldn't ever forgive them, she did believe that. They didn't deserve it, really, so she didn't blame him. She was just devastated for him. And for Buck. And herself.

"No." Buck answered. "I'm just doing what he would want me to do. If he wakes up and sees that they're here, he won't forgive me for it."

Maddie sighed, beginning to move round the hospital bed, "Buck —"

"No," Buck shakes his head, needing her to listen. Anything they could do to help their brother, they had to do. The middle sibling who Buck had always ran to because he'd never been a natural position of acting the parent, but Buck had placed Nathan in that situation where he did. "You can call them if you want, but they can't come here. You know that's not what he'd want."

She knew that. But how couldn't she tell her parents? How couldn't she tell their parents that they'd nearly lost another son? Even if Buck didn't know the truth. Maybe that's where she saw it differently, but she felt sick trying to explain that.

"Okay," She gave in, taking the seat beside her brother. "Okay, I won't. Until he wakes up. Then I need to call Mom and Dad."

Buck saw that she was willing to go no further than that. She was respecting Nathan's wishes — that they both knew he'd been saying himself if he was awake — but only so far, because they still had parents. But. . . as Buck nodded and looked down at his brother again, the facts remained the same even upon his agreement.

It had been so long since Nathan had seen their parents as their parents. He'd stopped looking toward them long before he departed for the Army. 

"You really need to get some rest," Maddie's voice had dropped back into a whisper, as if worried that she'd already been speaking too loudly. Buck wouldn't indulge in that though, he'd already rested, poorly as it had been. "It's going to do no good —"

"I'll rest," Buck interrupted her, a hand coming up as if trying to calm her nerves. But that wasn't his intention right now, not when his head was a whirlwind and nothing would slow down, and the only thing grounding him was the skin to skin with his big brother. "When I know he's going to be okay."

Her eyes glistered with tears, but she gave a nod, leaving her worry locked in her mind when she realised she wasn't going to win that one.

It would only be a few hours later, Buck the only one remaining in that hospital room, that his phone rang and he quietly cursed, rushing to stand and rip the device out of his front jean pocket. He was sure that he'd been hanging on the line of sleep and the rush of alert, counting down each hour that Nathan remained recovering. Because Buck would accept nothing else.

It was Bobby.

Rolling his shoulders back, Buck gave a sigh, though grateful for the check-up. Buck looked up to Bobby, and he wanted to be the type of man that he knew Bobby was, but the other man that Buck looked up to was fighting for his life, and Buck was afraid he'd crack if he heard Bobby telling him everything would be alright.

But Bobby would only worry if Buck failed to answer, so he answered, bringing the phone to his ear. "Hey, Bobby."

"Buck," Came the reply, sounding a little sweetly relieved. "What's the update, Buck?"

"Nothing," Came Buck's quick, almost numb response. He wasn't lying. But that sounded awful to his ears the moment he uttered the word, "There's been nothing since I got in this morning. The nurses doing their rounds, my brother hasn't moved a muscle."

"Alright," Bobby could feel the stress as if Buck's own was his. Nathan was a good guy, and though grown, he was a kid in Bobby's eyes — one who did his best to take care of his younger brother alongside his daughter. And Athena only had praises to say about the older Buckley brother. "Athena and I are going to come down when she clocks off. She's been losing her mind with worry. Kept ringing him until I told her that he wasn't awake yet."

Turning his head, Buck's eyes blinked down at his brother's cracked screen of a phone. "That's who know it all is?" Buck wondered to himself, a small chuckle leaving his mouth at his brother's personal jest.

Bobby didn't click on. "What was that?"

"Nothing," Buck waved off, giving a shake of his head. "That sounds great. Nathan would. . . did you say you and Athena?" 

Why would his boss be coming alongside Nathan's former boss? Were they a. . . thing? Buck wanted to tease, it was instinct, but he'd wait until he could do that with Nathan's cheeky grins flashing alongside Buck's playfulness. Give Bobby and Athena a full grown headache.

"Don't overthink it, Buck. We'll see you soon."

Bidding his goodbyes, Buck clicked his phone off and began to dread the idea of people contacting him for updates of Nathan's condition. His brother had a bunch of friends both at work and outside of it, and they all knew of his kid brother, and not of Maddie being around. He'd have to explain over and over again that Nathan was not yet awake.

He felt sick all over again. 

"The moment I found out the two of you were brothers," Athena gave a shake of her head, fondly recalling the moment that Nathan had grinned over at her until it had clicked. "I began to understand. The two of you are the biggest pain in my asses that I ever had, and I not only have two children of my own at home, but an ex-husband."

Buck couldn't help the way his chest lifted at their presence, a smile on his face at Athena's words. He didn't remember that, or her ever specifically revealing she'd connected the two, Buck had just always assumed that people knew they were related. 

They both embraced each other whenever they came across the same scene, Buck thought they looked alike with the same shading of their eyes and the big grins, and the BUCKLEY on the uniform was the biggest giveaway.

Bobby and Athena had arrived not long ago, carrying white bags filled with snacks and drinks for Buck, and some dinner. Bobby wouldn't have Buck wasting away, forgetting to do something as basic as eat. Athena's worry over Nathan's daughter had died a little when Buck had confirmed that Robin was with Maddie.

"Teachers at school used to say the same thing," Buck sat back a little, also remembering back. He had been the troublemaker between them, if he was being honest, and it was usually Nathan who would come running to his rescue. "I'd start trouble and Nathan would finish it."

Bobby gave him a look, eyebrows raised. "You mean you'd get into fights?"

"Well. . ." He trailed off, and Bobby sighed with a smile, "I hate bullies. Nathan hates bullies. We always made a great team."

Athena folds her jacket over her lap again, because she knew that to be true. Both Nathan hating bullies and the brothers making a great team. Anybody who knew either of them would know how great they were, separately or together, and that was the greatest part about it. 

"It won't be long after he wakes that Nathan will get real sick of seeing my face," Athena leans forward, a touch on Nathan's hand just to remind herself that he would wake. That boy she'd met some years ago resurfacing, watching him join the academy and make it into the department. "He's going to be on desk-duty for quite some time."

All three of them let out some sort of sound, whether a sigh, a huff or a laugh, because they all knew Nathan well enough to know that he was going to hate that outcome.

"I can't wait for that," Buck pitched in, because he'd be the one that Nathan went ranting off to with his complaints. There would be nothing anybody could do though. Nathan's lung had collapsed, some ribs broke, and he'd flat-lined. He'd also need antibiotics to avoid infection from the blood that swept into his other lung.

His fingers carefully avoided the canula in his brother's hand as Buck grounded himself again, just a bliss reminder that Nathan would take to complaining soon. He'd rather that than silence. But he'd also rather being anywhere else than the ICU right now.

"You two are too much alike," Bobby gave a shake of his head, glancing anyway and stopping himself from saying anything else. Athena understood and agreed, and Buck, for once, saw the frustration and concern that pierced his Captain on the daily because here he was, on the opposite end of that.

"I debated joining the LAPD when I got here," Buck revealed, staring up at his brother's sleeping figure. He'd never forget the day that Nathan had opened his apartment door. "I wanted to be like him so much. I came here because I knew my brother was here. But I don't think I can be as great as he is."

Athena forced herself to breathe steadily, not allowing her emotions to get her throat-tied. It was just difficult, not on the job.

"Your brother speaks about you like you carry the weight of the LA Fire Department." Athena hears the soft chuckle from Bobby on her side, "He would say the exact same as you are now."

And Buck believed it rather than just wanting to. He believed it because he knew his brother spoke about him with praises and nothing short, his co-worker having confirmed that for even Buck's team to hear of. It filled some cracks in his chest that were left behind by their parent's absence.

Maddie and Nathan had always been better in taking care of Buck, anyway. They just knew him. They did everything that their parents should.

"I got some crafts for his little girl," Athena points to the bag, knowing that drawing and painting and putting things together was amongst Robin's favourite things to do. "Tell that sweet girl that she's on Aunt Athena's mind."

Buck's eyes flickered at that, giving a soft nod but unable to speak. 

"Take the rest of the week off," Buck heard Bobby instruct, and for once, at the idea of having to miss being active at his job, such a passionate link to his daily life, Buck didn't argue. And it was then that it really sunk in that he didn't want to be anywhere else. Buck wanted to be the first face that Nathan saw if it couldn't be Robin. He wanted Nathan to know that he'd not been alone.

"Thanks, Bobby."

"Don't thank me, kid. Just don't fall short on getting some rest and plenty to eat."

The smile that the younger Firefighter gave back was not reassuring at all.

( Bobby didn't doubt that he'd have to come back tomorrow during visiting hours to make sure that Buck had done as he'd just asked. Buck was so used to taking care of everyone else now rather than himself. It was a toxic trait that he'd picked up. . . from his elder brother and sister, it seemed.

But Buck's was fuelled even more with a drive to be wanted. To be heard. To be the type of person that another could lean upon.

And this was. . . this was more than Buck had expected. More than he wanted in that regard and it was ripping him apart that the one person Buck needed to be okay more than anything wasn't. Bobby saw right through Buck every second he spent in this room. )

When the nurse did her round this time, Buck straightened and leaned back, allowing her to do her assess checks. His gaze followed her, or more what she was looking for upon his brother, and he paid no mind to the way that Athena was doing the same whilst Bobby popped out of the room to answer his incoming call.

When the nurse's lips softened into a frown, Buck thought, he saw an opportunity to speak.

His own mouth tipped downwards at her obvious worry, blinking up at her as he leaned back forward, "Is everything alright? What is it?"

The nurse looked to him, momentarily startled at his sudden movements, before one hand came up slightly with her clipboard being pushed against her chest and arm, "He's fine, as expected," She answered softly, not realising that he'd been watching so closely. "I just know him through his daughter."

Buck was surprised, eyes widening slightly at the mention of his niece. "Robin's fine," He said, as if that was what she was worrying about, and then it clicked that Robin's Mother likely knew her, working in this hospital herself. But Buck didn't know Danielle all that well at all. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay —" She ran her other hand down her cheek as if stressing, "If there's anything any of us can do to help with Robin while Dani isn't here, just. . . just ask for Olivia at the front. We'll pitch in where we can, I promise." 

And Buck appreciated that, giving a nod and watching her as she smiled, but not wholly as her eyes dropped back to Nathan, before slipping the clipboard back against his bed and leaving the room. 

"That was nice of her," Buck quietly spoke, almost to himself.

Athena heard anyway, a hum slipping past her lips as she crossed one leg over the other. "That's because Olivia has had her eyes set on your brother since he was in the Academy," And Buck's gaze snapped to her, once again taken back by learning something new. Athena laughed at that. "What? You don't believe me?"

Was that why the nurse was so nice?

"She works with Danielle," Buck pointed out, brows drawn together. "Robin's Mother."

Athena only shook her head, "There can be more than one motive, Buck."

Buck wasn't finished with his thinking, folding his arms down against the bed and resting his chin on top of them, "And Nathan's gay. He likes guys which I'm pretty sure she'd know if she has known Nathan since he was in the Academy."

That didn't convince the Sergeant of anything, her shoulders coming up and down in a shrug as if Buck should know that didn't stop one from falling in love with another.

"So. . . you know her?"

Her hand comes up to point at the sandy-haired brother, "Do not go there, Buck." 

"What?" Buck's eyes widened slightly, somewhat amused by her sudden strictness that soaked her expression. He was fond of her, but he understood why Nathan was even more so. His lips dared to clock into a half-grin, the first real one since he'd realised it was his brother in that broken building, "I wasn't doing to do anything."

"And it best stay that way, boy."

The door was pushed open, and Bobby made his way inside, eyes flickering between the pair. "Everything okay with the nurse? I saw her leave."

"All good until he wakes," Buck confirmed, relieved at that at least as he let go of the thought of the pretty nurse. He wouldn't anyway because — well, because of Abby. "You guys don't have to stay, you know. I know that you have to get going back. It's fine, really. We'll be fine."

Bobby's hand rested on the back of Athena's chair, uncertainty running through him at not staying a bit longer. Though Athena did have things she needed to go over at home, and she'd rushed over here after she clocked off from the Police Department. He just wanted to make sure that Buck didn't feel alone in this.

And thankfully, Buck saw through that.

"I'll eat. And I'll sleep." Buck nodded, chin still against his arm. "I just. . . it's fine. Maybe he'll wake up if it's just us. He hates hospitals and having the attention on him."

Athena stood, clenching her jacket to her front at his words. She really did hate showing her emotional fronts but it was hard, hearing Buck speak like that about Nathan, the one she'd mentored for years. The one that still clung to her words even after being transferred to another unit. The one who didn't have parents, in his words, and therefore had asked Athena if she could babysit when Buck couldn't and Nathan hadn't finished work yet.

"I'll be back in the morning," Athena told Buck, just so he knew. "Call me if anything changes, Buckley." 

And then she left the room with haste, the name she'd call out to Nathan — granted, it was their surname — lingering behind her like a horrid reminder of the situation. It was only now that Athena realised how deeply she cared for the man she still saw as a boy. 

Bobby sighed slightly, moving around the bed with one hand lightly tapping atop of where Nathan's ankles would be.

He could see Buck's growing sheer concern for Athena and wanted to calm it before it grew to the size of Buck's heart.

"She's just worried, we all are," Bobby's other hand came and clutched Buck's shoulder just as softly as he had with Nathan. It was a gentle grounding. Just as much for them as it was self-serving, because Bobby cared. "But listen, anything you need, call me straightaway. I'll keep my phone on me at all —"

Buck stood, Bobby's arm falling from the action, but then it was Buck throwing his arms around Bobby that caused the elder male to smile and return the gesture, feeling the gratitude and worry that Buck likely wasn't sure how to express in words.

A heavy sigh left Bobby, hands patting the back of Buck.

"Anything at all."

Buck nodded, chin now on top of Bobby's shoulder, feeling like a child. But it also reminded him of the hugs between himself and Nathan. And he needed that now more than ever. He wouldn't get that type of expression or care from his Father if his Father was here, so he was glad it was Bobby instead if it couldn't be his brother. "Thank you, Cap."

Leaning back, Bobby shook Buck's shoulder once, "He's going to be okay," He felt the need to say this time round, "He's a Buckley, right? That's what you both like to say."

The grin, a whole one this time round, that he got in return made them both feel better. 

"Yeah. He's a Buckley." 

this chapter was shortened by about 3k words, so i apologise if it's shorter than the other chapters — it's because i didn't want to have a change of pov for the last scene so i've made this purely buck's and then the next goes back to nathan as he wakes up.

please let me know what you think! the next chapter is ready to put up so i'll do that in a few days as well. enjoy!