ryan wasn't sick that day.

he was laying in bed and kept touching his lips, unable to wash away the memory of brendon's lips on his own. he wasn't able to forget the feeling of it. brendon's lips were rough and chapped against his soft ones. 

he smiled at the memory and laid in bed, the faint sound of twenty-first century breakdown by green day playing in the background on ryan's old vinyl player. he loosely had a cigarette in his mouth, fumbling with a lighter. he recently ran out of cigarettes and had jenna go to get him some, since she had just turned eighteen. 

he smoked his cigarette and watched the smoke at the end of it dance in the air. the breeze from his spinning ceiling fan caused it to move from one end of the room to the other. he smiled. 

ryan lay in his white half binder and black boxers, a thin blanket covering from his waist down. he flicked the ashes into a plastic cup with water in it by his bed. 

while smoking, ryan began to think. the only reason he didn't go to the tracks today was because of what happened last night. he was afraid to tell brendon how he felt. he felt like if he told him how he felt, he would be moving things along too fast between them.

telling brendon he was sick was a bad idea, as brendon would probably show up later to ask how he was feeling. and ryan could not act to save his life. 

ryan put the cigarette out into the cup and his phone made a noise, indicating that he had a text. he grabbed his phone and unlocked it, reading the text from brendon. 

bren the fren: you are the most perfect thing in any room, and i really hope you know that

ryan blushed, but didn't reply. he locked his phone and got up and got ready to get dressed. he had to see brendon today. he grabbed a black tank top and a pair of black booty shorts. sure, he preferred longer shorts, but the short ones made his ass look great. and he was proud of his ass. 

he quickly put them on and made his way down the stairs, trying to avoid his parents. which he failed at. 

"maggie!" danielle shouted. ryan didn't reply and he kept heading for the door. she repeated herself and again, ryan didn't reply. danielle sighed, "ryan?" 

ryan stopped dead in his tracks. his mother called him by his preferred name. his real name. he felt tears pricking in his eyes as he whispered out a, "yeah?"

"sweetie, i don't mind that you're staying out so late, but please, please tell me if you're going to be out very late again," she begged, "your father and i were worried sick, ryan."

there it was again. a few happy tears spilled out of his eyes as he made his way into the kitchen, where his mother was seated at the dining table, gripping a cup of coffee. he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and gripped her tightly in a hug.

"thank you," he whispered in her ear repeatedly. 

"i've been doing more research on this transgender thing, and i think i understand it, baby. i'm so proud to have a son like you," she whispered.

that's when ryan began bawling his eyes out. his mother, for the first time in his life, had called him her son. and she meant it. 

"i'm going to talk to your father about it tonight, baby, and your father is very sorry for hitting your friend," she said, tussling ryan's hair, "i love you so much. i am so proud of you."

ryan wiped at his eyes, "i love you too, mom. i'm going to be out late again tonight, don't wait up." danielle nodded and sipped her coffee, saying goodbye to her son as he left.

as he walked out the back door, he could feel tears streaming down his face. he pulled out his phone and texted brendon, saying he would be at the tracks in ten minutes. he stuffed his phone back into his back pocket.

at least he had something hopeful to say to the group today.