Chapter Twelve

~Rachel's POV~

   There was just one word that described what I was feeling. One word that stuck in my head and was the reason why I abruptly pulled away from Reid..the second time.

Regret..

   I felt nauseated and unbelievably happy all at once. I shook my head, my hands covering my mouth. I just kissed Dr. Spencer Reid, a member of the BAU team. A professional, a forensic profiler. What the hell was I thinking?

"Rachel.." He started, reaching out towards me.

I shook my head again and backed off, keeping out of reach of him. My eyes were wide open and I continued shaking my head. What have I done, what have I done, what have I done!?

"O-Oh my..Oh m-my god. I am so sorry. I am so sorry!" I gasped out, feeling sick to my stomach.

Reid's lips were parted, his hands hovering in the air. He took another step towards me, cautiously. He was shaking his head, trying to calm me.

This is all your fault, you lead him on. You just ruined everything. You're going to be thrown out and left alone. You're going to have no one and they're going to take Charlotte away from you. Forever. Then, your father will finally get you back and what do you think will happen when he does?

   I shivered at the thought of it. I couldn't concentrate on anything, my vision constantly blurred as the tears filled my eyes. Guilt, that's all I felt. Immense guilt eating away at my insides. Had I really just signed away Charlotte and I's fate?
   I quickly noticed how hard it was to breathe, my chest heaving for air. My hands were shaking like a leaf and my head pounded. Oh no, please not now.
The office lights that hung above us were too bright, it pierced my eyes painfully. The air was too cold and dry, making goose bumps cover my whole body. I had no control over it and I felt my body sway and loose footing.
Reid outstretched his arms and I fell into them regretfully for the second time. I really needed to stop meeting him like this. He held me in his skinny arms, gulping and lowering me to the ground.

"C-Cant breathe....I need air...t-too small." I whispered between gasps for air.

The room was shrinking and the walls were closing in. I could hear my heart drumming in my ears.

Recognition flashed across his face and he began to relax, his grip on me loosening. I waited for him to call the other team but he didn't, the members just a couple feet away.
He shushed me and sat me up against his desk, his hands holding my head. He carefully lowered it into his lap, keeping my head facing up and my hair out of the way. I was breathing heavily, my lungs aching for air.

"You're having a panic attack again. Try to relax and take deep breaths if possible. It will pass in about 30 more seconds. Just keep breathing with me and try to stay calm."

I nodded and tried to follow his steps. Breath, relax, breath, relax. I took a deep when when he did, and let it out when he told me to. After 30 more seconds, I eventually was strong enough to sit up on my own and stand up. Grabbing my arms, he stood up with me, keeping his eyes on me as I wobbled for balance.
Reid took notice and tried to reach for me when I backed up and knocked over a vase. Luckily it didn't brake, the top of the lamp popping off and rolling around on the floor. I placed my hands on both sides of head and closed my eyes.
The room was spinning, images blurred and jerked around. I couldn't focus on anything. I backed into the wall, I just ruined my whole life. Reid's face had worry written all over it, and he didn't know what to do.

"Oh, I am so sorry Reid. I-Im so sorry for everything! I am s-so sorry." I repeated that over and over again that it began to sound like a broken record.

"Rachel! You need to rest, you need to sit down." He said, trying to get closer to me.

I couldn't risk anymore than what I had already jeopardized.

"D-Don't touch me, please. I am s-so sorry about..I am so sorry!" I pleaded, they wouldn't just leave me and Charlotte to defend for ourselves, right?

"Rachel, I need you to think this over. I am not mad..you're going through a lot and your mind is all jumbled up. There's no need to apologize. You just need rest, you're thinking irrationally. That's all, everything is okay." I nodded.

I couldn't think anymore, not with him in the room.

"I-I need to go." I said, quickly exiting the room.

I could hear him try to stop me, but it was no use. I wiped the tears away and took a few more deep breaths. My legs felt weak like jelly, but I trudged on.
I walked into Penelope's room and saw the two girls surrounding Charlotte. I forced a smile and waved at an excited Charlotte. Her hair was up in tight curls and a pink and sparkly bow sat in her hair.
She was wearing a dark pink dress Penelope had gotten for her in her bag of goodies a few nights before. Penelope put light makeup on her and she looked like she was enjoying it. That's good, at least someone is having a good day.
Her shoes laid a couple feet from her as she twirled around in the room, her dress spreading and making a wide circle of pink. J.J and Penelope cheered and clapped for her as she spun in circles. I walked in, clapping along and opening my arms as she ran into them.
I mouthed a thank you to the two woman for keeping her occupied. They both nodded and smiled, J.J winking. I glanced out the window, seeing the moon high in the sky and streetlights dimly lit down the street.

"Come on sweetie, you need to head to bed. You're going to be up all night if you don't now."

She frowned but nodded, giving the two ladies a small wave before I set her down and she ran ahead of me into J.J's office. Penelope walked up to me, her smile dropping a little as she probably noticed the slightly red eyes and expression on my face.

"Are you okay?" She asked me. Such a simple question, yet it held so much.

"As okay as I can be right now." I said quietly, giving her a small smile and heading towards J.J's Office.

I gently took out Charlotte's pink bow and ran my fingers through her curly and soft hair. She beamed up at me, but all I could give her was a closed lipped smile. I slipped off her dress and neatly hung it on the door behind me.
She held out her nails and showed me her glossy pink nails, equipped with three fake gems to match. I grinned and made sure to Oo and awe at them, making her giggle.

"Get the ducky ones, sissy! I want the ducky ones!" Charlotte cried out, pointing towards the yellow pajamas with ducks littered all over it inside the bag.

I chuckled and helped her step into it as she talked about her beauty makeover with J.J and Penelope. I led her to J.J's room again, settling her on the couch. I looked at her and watched as she yawned and rubbed her eyes.
   I hadn't realized just how much I had missed her until now. I kissed her forehead softly, smiling when I saw her giggle at me. I loved her so much, she was my baby sister, I would do anything for her. I would die for her. She looked at me and kissed my forehead back, giggling even more. I couldn't smile back, I just couldn't bring enough energy to do it tonight.

"Sissy..you're okay too... right?" She asked in a small voice. I hugged her close, patting her back.

"I am fine sweetie, don't worry about me. Everything will be fine, we're going to be okay."

In a sort, I was trying to convince myself. Everything will be okay, my dad will be caught, it'll be okay.

She nodded, her eyes drooping as she yawned and cuddled against my side. With her head rested on my chest, I let her doze off. I could hear the others talking in a hushed whisper. I sighed quietly, trying not to wake Charlotte up. I strained for a tissue on the desk and wiped her runny nose.

I know what he wants...me. That's all.

After a few minutes, I knew sleep wasn't coming. No surprise there. At least no sleep means no more nightmares, I thought miserably. I actually started to daze off into my own little world when a beeping startled me.
I jumped a little bit, stirring Charlotte in her sleep. Cursing to myself, I carefully lifted her head off of my chest and stood up. The ringing continued as I tried to scavenge out the mysterious phone. It took awhile to realize it was my own phone, stuck in between the couch cushions. I rolled my eyes and searched through until my hand curled around the device.
I pulled it out and flipped it open. I couldn't recognize the number, it wasn't Reid's. His name would be flashing on the screen, this was an unknown caller ID. As I pressed the answer button, icy tingles crawled up and down my spine. I don't know why I pressed it, I felt like I needed to.

"Hello...?"

   I heard quiet crying in the background, shrill and high pitched. It sounded so lonely and scared, so lost and afraid. I gasped quietly, hearing someone else in the background start yelling at it. It sounded distant but I could hear heavy breathing in the phone.
A feeling of dread filled the pit of my stomach as the person on the other end finally answered me. The long silence caused the hair on the back of my neck to stand up. When the caller did speak, my knees buckled underneath me and I found myself on the floor.
My fingers sunk into the carpet floor as I gripped it tightly. My vision blurred as spots of tears appeared beneath me.

"Long time no see huh, sweetie?"