I take back what I said. I don't think I have that much motivation to ask to go to Morgan's grave. I wake up shaking. Just thinking about saying anything related to Morgan to my parents makes me want to throw up, but it's December 31. I have until midnight. Even less than that if I want to make it to his grave before it's officially January 1.

The entire day, I sit on the couch in the living room with my journal, writing down my thoughts. Sometimes in poems. Sometimes in prose. I'd probably feel better about it if my sisters weren't glancing over my shoulder to see what I'm writing. Hannah doesn't comment on any of it, but Kate does, knowing what she knows.

"You're stupid," she says, looking down at the page. Around three in the afternoon, I stopped putting any real thought behind the words. Instead, I repeat the same three: just say it. "You're really stupid."

"Leave the birthday girl alone," Mom says, sitting on my other side.

Kate gives me a meaningful look. "It's not her birthday yet. Four more hours."

Mom nods. "Speaking of which..." She smiles at me. "Have you thought of what you wanted, Mona?"

I glance between Kate and Mom. Where Kate's eyes are filled with urgency, Mom's eyes are filled with anticipation. It feels like they're both holding their breaths for my answer, and it makes me feel like I can't breathe at all.

I stab myself with my pencil to jolt my body into functioning again. "Yeah, I've thought about it."

Mom's eyes light up and she leans toward me. "And what do you think right now?"

I look down at my journal. There's an entire page filled with "Just say it." My handwriting becomes more frantic the closer to the bottom of the page I get. But no matter how messy the handwriting is, the words glare up at me all the same.

I take a deep breath. "I—"

Hannah walks into the living room, and the words die in my throat. Kate gives me an exasperated look before she glares at Hannah. "Get out."

Hannah laughs. "It's my house. Why can't I be here?" Kate grumbles something incomprehensible, shooting me another urgent look. Hannah frowns, following her gaze to me. Her eyes narrow. "What are we talking about right now?"

Mom pats the seat on her other side. When Hannah sits, Mom explains, "Mona was just about to tell us what she wants for her birthday."

Hannah sits up. "Oh... Really?" I nod, and Hannah's expression goes blank. I can't pick up anything in her voice either. "Did you decide on something?"

I take a deep breath. "Well—" My phone rings, interrupting me. I fumble for it, feeling my mom and my sisters watching me. When I finally have it in my hands, I let out a breath at the sight of Nathan's name. "I'll be right back..."

I hear Kate sputter behind me. I shoot her a look to shut up. She returns it with her own incredulous look, shaking her head at me. I ignore it, turning back around. I sit on the stairs and take a deep breath before answering the phone.

"Hey," I say.

Not a second later, Nathan asks, "Are you okay?"

I shut my eyes and take a deep breath. "I was just about to tell my mom and sisters that I think I should go see Morgan's grave for my birthday."

"It's still a matter of thinking you should go and not wanting to? Knowing and feeling haven't aligned yet?"

I wrap an arm around my stomach. "It's getting there."

"At least it's progress. I'm sorry I called at a bad time. I'll—"

"Please don't hang up." It comes out in a rush, and Nathan goes quiet, background noise filling up his end of the line. It sounds like he's in Poems and Tales right now. I shut my eyes, feeling the heat creep up my neck to my face. In a quieter, slower voice, I say, "Sorry. I'm just nervous."

Nathan laughs kindly. "You'll be okay. You have a few hours until midnight to say something."

I sigh. "I know. You don't need to remind me."

Nathan starts to say something, but I hear Clara ask for the phone followed by scuffling, name-calling, and indignant noises. It brings a smile to my face imagining Nathan and Clara fighting for the phone.

Eventually, I hear Clara huff. "Listen, Mona, I love you, and I know you're scared, but I think we both know that you have to do this. Not for Morgan or your family but for you—Hey!"

Nathan's back on the line, asking, "How bright are the stars right now?"

Clara sputters. "What does that even have to do with anything right now, Nathan?"

He ignores her and repeats his question in a quieter but more urgent tone. "How bright are the stars right now?"

I frown. "I thought we agreed it doesn't matter how bright they are—"

"Maybe it does matter, Mona. Maybe the brighter they are, the easier it is to see them and reach out for them."

I guess that makes sense. Maybe if all I can think about is going to Morgan's grave and getting some peace, maybe that means I really want to do it. And maybe that makes it easier to do it.

I think Nathan senses the shift because he repeats, "How bright are the stars right now?"

I shut my eyes, tightening my arm around my stomach. "I think they're really bright right now."

I hear Nathan smile as he says, "Then, I think that means you can reach them, right?"

I nod like he can see me. "Yeah. I think so, too."

"I'll let you grasp some trailing stars then. Tell me how it goes later."

I swallow, standing and running my free hand down my jeans. "Okay."

I start to thank him and hang up, but he calls my name. "Oh, and Mona? Happy Birthday if we don't talk before midnight."

In the background, Clara yells, "Have a good sixteenth birthday!"

I shut my eyes, a smile spreading across my face. It makes me feel warm inside, and I have to press a hand to my chest to stop the feeling from becoming too overwhelming. "Thank you."

Nathan hangs up. I stare down at my phone until Nathan's name blinks out. Even after that, I stare at my own reflection on the black screen, nodding to myself. Bright stars tonight. Bright stars for a while, actually. And if they've been bright for such a long time despite being so close to such a massive black hole, maybe I shouldn't have been trying so hard to ignore them.

I take a deep breath as I tuck my phone away and head back into the living room, trailing my stars. I stop short, slamming into my stars and scattering them everywhere. At some point, everyone gathered in the living room. It makes my chest tighten. The stars slowly start to come back into view, but I can't decide if they're alleviating the tightness in my chest or making it worse. But there's really only one way to find out.

I clear my throat, stepping deeper into the living room. "Hey."

Everyone turns to me, and I try not to flinch or look away. Would it be too weird of me to ask them to not look at me? Probably... But if I have to look at anyone, I settle on Kate. She nods, giving me a look that screams you better say something.

I nod back and take a deep breath. "I think I know what I want to do for my birthday."

Mom and Dad glance at each other. The entire room feels like they're holding their breaths. Me most of all. I force myself to breathe as I wring my hands.

"So... um..." I swallow, looking down at my hands. "It's kind of the first birthday that I'm spending by myself." I risk a glance up. Mom and Dad nod at me, their expressions carefully neutral. I'll take it. I straighten, continuing to wring my hands. "And I was thinking that maybe I don't really have to spend it by myself just because I am by myself."

No one says anything. I guess I wasn't really clear about what I meant. I laugh nervously and glance down at my hands, interlacing them and pushing down until I feel an uncomfortable stretch. It feels a lot better to focus on that than my thudding heart and the stars blinding me right now.

I know the stars are right there for me to reach and grasp, but I don't think I realized just how hard it is to grab a star no matter how close it is. But all that matters is it is close, and I can reach out and grab it if I want to. And I think deep down, I really want to.

I take a deep breath and look up. Before I can lose my nerve, I blurt, "I think I want to go to Morgan's grave for my birthday. And I want to get there before it's midnight. Before it's officially my birthday."

The star brightens, blinding me for a second. Then all at once, it fades, leaving me with a thundering heart and my stomach tied in knots. I have the star in my hands, but that doesn't mean I really have it. I still need to actually get to Morgan's grave, and to get there...

My eyes flicker between my parents. They glance at each other, and it looks like the corners of their mouths start to turn upwards. I feel my own lips turn up into a smile. If they're happy, that means—

"I don't know if that's such a good idea."

I blink, turning to Hannah. "What?"

Instead of responding to me, she turns to our parents. "I think it's too soon for Mona to go see Morgan's grave."

Kate sputters. "What do you mean too soon? It's been months! And Mona didn't even go to Morgan's funeral!" I cringe at the reminder. Another thing to feel bad about. And another reason to make the star brighten and flicker in my hands, reminding me that I still don't quite have it in my grasp. "I think it's a great idea to go to Morgan's grave for Mona's birthday." Kate leans toward our parents. "Right, Mom? Dad?"

Dad nods, turning to smile at me. "I think we should go."

Hannah shakes her head, letting out an incredulous laugh. "But, Dad, you haven't seen Mona these past few months. I have. She's been getting better." Hannah lists off everything she sees as an improvement like not staying out too late, keeping my grades up, and staying out of trouble at school. "She didn't manage any of that when she was living with you guys. She was constantly reminded of Morgan there, so if she goes to see his grave, she might get worse again. I'm not saying she shouldn't go at all. I'm just saying maybe she should wait a little longer."

Kate scowls. "That makes zero sense, Hannah!"

Hannah turns to Kate, giving her a patient smile. "You'll see, Kate. This is for the best."

Kate's scowl deepens. "For who? Because it's not for Mona."

Hannah starts trying to explain to Kate again why I shouldn't go, but Kate shouts over her, saying Hannah doesn't have a good reason to keep me from going. My parents try to get them to stop, and the more they try, the more yelling there is on everyone's part. It doesn't do anything for my racing heart except make it beat faster. The only way to really ignore it is to recede into my thoughts, but that's not any better.

Everything Hannah said is true. I've been behaving more than I used to. A lot more. But I don't know if that's the same thing as getting better. Before I met Nathan and Clara, I just shut down. I didn't feel anything. I didn't even want to feel anything. I just went through the motions and did whatever kept Hannah from worrying about me. Maybe it kept her happy, but it didn't do anything for me except give me more trailing stars.

And I have one trailing star just in reach.

"I think I should still go," I say. No one hears me. I swallow and say in a louder voice, "I think I should go to Morgan's grave."

Hannah breaks off mid-sentence, her mouth agape as she looks at me. "What?"

I take a deep breath. "I think it's a good idea to go see Morgan's grave." I check the time on my phone. "There's just a little more than three hours before midnight. If we go now—"

"No."

Did she just say...? I blink and glance up. "What?"

Hannah stands, holding her hands out to me. "Mona, you've been doing so much better. Why would you want to reopen your wounds like this?"

I shove my phone back in my pocket. "Maybe because my wounds were never closed in the first place. Did you ever think of that? Did you ever think that maybe I wasn't doing or getting better?"

Hannah furrows her eyebrows, crossing the living room to me. "What do you mean?"

I grit my teeth. "I was acting better, but that didn't mean I was actually doing better." I glare at her. "If you even know the difference."

Hannah's eyes narrow. For a second, it's like she's eighteen and I'm eleven again. She's acting like she knows everything and expects me to follow her blindly. That's what I've been doing for the past few months, and I don't know if I can take the bullshit anymore.

"If you know the difference," I spit, "then why can't you see that making me come live with you and acting like everything I went through with Morgan didn't happen was a stupid idea? If I haven't been getting better these past few months, why would you think it'll work now?"

"Mona, come on." Hannah moves to put her hand on my shoulder. "Just calm down and listen to me."

I take a step back, holding my hands up to ward her off. "I've been listening to you for the past few months, and I can't deal with it anymore!" I start to list all the crap I put up with off my fingers. "Shutting up just to let you talk. Coming home right when you tell me to just so you don't worry no matter what I'm in the middle of. Having to tell you every single detail of every little thing I do, otherwise, it's oh-so-obvious that I'm doing something terrible." I glare at my sister, the heat unfurling more and more in my chest until it has to expand to the rest of my body like I'm a black hole consuming every single star around me. "It's such fucking bullshit, Hannah."

Hannah glares back at me. "Well, I'm sorry if I'm just trying to keep you safe."

I scoff. "Safe how? If you actually cared about me, you would've seen how miserable I've been this entire time. This is the one thing I've really asked you to do for me in the past year, and you won't let me go see Morgan's grave? On my birthday?"

"Maybe I would let you do more things if I actually trusted you!" I flinch, but if Hannah notices, she plows on anyway. "Maybe I wouldn't have to be so overprotective if you weren't so reckless and got Morgan killed!"

The moment the words are out of Hannah's mouth, it feels like the entire room freezes. In fact, it feels like everything inside me freezes. All the heat recedes back into my chest and closes up until all I feel is a chill. 

Looks like being a black hole runs in the family. So much so that Hannah must feel the chill, too, because she inhales sharply, covering her mouth with her hand.

"Hannah." Mom stands, her eyes dark.

I'm vaguely aware of Mom lecturing Hannah, but I don't process any of the words. It feels like I'm underwater right now. Knowing someone's saying something but not hearing any of the words. Everything around me is a blur, too. All I can really see are shapes, but the one thing that's more clear to me than anything else right now is the flickering star right in front of me, somehow surviving a collision between two black holes.

Still so close. Still trailing me. Still making me trail it.

I take a step back. Then another and another until I'm at the front door. I pause long enough to take in the scene. Mom and Dad are still telling Hannah off for what she said to me. There are tears in Hannah's eyes as she tries to explain herself. Kate is silent throughout it all, her eyes flickering between our parents and Hannah.

I slowly open the front door and step outside. The cold night air envelops me, snuffing out any residual heat inside me. It covers my mind and my senses in frost, and I don't realize I'm walking anywhere until I hear a bell behind me and someone calling my name. Even then, I almost keep walking, but someone grabs my shoulder and turns me around.

"Oh," I say when I see Nathan and Clara. "Hi."

They exchange glances. Nathan gently squeezes my shoulder. "Are you okay? What are you doing here?"

I gesture vaguely like I'm trying to find the right words. In the end, all I get out is, "The talk didn't go well..."

Clara frowns. "You mean they wouldn't take you to Morgan's grave?" Before I can respond, she asks, "Do you want us to take you?"

My head snaps to her. "Really?"

Nathan seems just as surprised by the suggestion, but a second later, he's smiling at Clara and then at me. "If you really want to, I can drive."

Clara laughs. "Well... even if you didn't want to, I'd make you get in the car."

I laugh, making Nathan's and Clara's expressions soften like they always do when I seem even remotely happy. I really love these two, and I don't know what I did to deserve them. But maybe I've done something right. And maybe that means I've grasped a couple of trailing stars. And there's a big one I still need to get tonight.

I nod. "Let's go."