When Kate and I walk through the doors to Poems and Tales, Nathan and Clara glance over from the counter. They both smile and say hi to Kate, but Nathan is the one that looks at me over her head with a questioning look. He pulls me aside to the other side of the room while Clara keeps Kate distracted.

"You brought Kate," he notes. I nod, not quite looking at Nathan. But I don't have to look to know he has a gentle expression on his face. "You know you don't have to read your poem with your sister in the crowd if you don't want to."

I laugh, running a hand through my hair. "Honestly, I don't want to share the poem at all, but it feels like I need to."

"Trailing star."

I nod, echoing, "Trailing star."

Nathan takes my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "If this trailing star is particularly irritating to you—" I make a face, making him laugh, but he keeps going "—then I think you should try to grasp it. Especially since it's in reach."

I glance over my shoulder at Clara and Kate. Clara props her head up on the counter, smiling and nodding at whatever Kate is telling her. Kate is not so subtly gesturing in our direction and sneaking glances at us. When she sees me watching, she sticks her tongue out. I roll my eyes and mouth "gremlin" at her. She makes a face and turns back to Clara.

I turn back to Nathan. He smiles at me, an amused look on his face. It makes his eyes shine like stars. I have to look away to remember what we're talking about. When the memory comes back, I say, "That's the plan."

He nods. "I'll be here if you need anything."

I nod. "I know."

His eyes flicker to my lips and a blush blooms across his cheeks. "Can I kiss you?"

I pull my hand back. "Not in front of my sister."

I turn away before I can completely ignore what I just said and give in to him, returning to Clara and Kate. Clara listens and jokes with Kate, making my sister laugh and smile and talk. And talk and talk and talk. I don't hear most of what she's saying, focusing on reading my poem over and over again in case I decide I want to change anything. Nathan keeps reassuring me that it's fine, but now that I know Kate will be in the crowd, I think the definition of "fine" has completely changed.

Sometimes I'll hear snippets of Clara and Kate's conversation, my ears pricking up. But the closer we get to six, the harder I focus on my poem. I hold my head up with both hands, threading my fingers through my hair. I'm vaguely aware of Clara asking Kate, "Are you excited to hear Mona's poem?"

Kate turns to me. "You're reading a poem?"

I shoot Clara a pointed look before turning to Kate. "Yeah. I am."

Kate makes a face. "Why?"

"Because Nathan is making me."

Nathan looks up from his own journal, giving me an amused look. "What happened to feeling like this is a trailing star?"

Clara glances between us. "You guys are really weird, you know that?"

Kate nods. "Mona's always been weird."

I push Kate's head to the side with my fingertips. "That's what happens when you have annoying little gremlins bothering you all the time."

Kate huffs at me, but I see the smile forming on her face before she turns to Nathan and Clara. "When is Mona reading her poem?"

I shrug. "I haven't put my name on the list—"

"I did it for you," Nathan says. He shuts his journal, tucking it back into the inside pocket of his jacket. "I put you in the second slot, so unless you want to go first, you go after me."

I do a double-take. He's kidding, right? I think we all know I'm not volunteering to go first, so compared to his poem, mine will seem really bad. Clara must think so, too, because she cringes. She changes it to a smile when she sees my expression.

"It's not because your poem is worse than his," she says, but I doubt that. "It's just..." She eyes Nathan. "Well... you'll see..."

I shake my head, my eyes wide. "That doesn't make me feel any better."

Nathan smiles at me. "You'll be fine." He glances at the clock. It's already six. "I gotta go head up, but I'll see you guys later."

He gives me one last smile before heading for the microphone. The moment he steps into the spotlight, the audience goes quiet. Nathan gives his usual spiel about how open mic nights work and how to sign up. He waits to see if anyone else wants to go, his eyes lingering on me. I shake my head.

"I can start," Nathan says. He pulls his journal out and gives me one last look. "This poem is called Red Trails.

"Shooting stars streak through the sky
every once in a while.
Never to be obtained.
Never to stay in one place.
Always passing by with
somewhere else to go.
Someone else to be with.

They leave trails behind.
Making me wonder where
they've been.
Where they're going.
What they're running from.
What they're running towards.

The trails are always different.
Sometimes there's no color.
Sometimes there's all the colors.
Sometimes there's only one color.
And there's only one color I care about:

Red.
I only see red.

The way she shines brighter
than all the stars in the sky.
The way she flickers only to
come back stronger every time.
The way she streaks across the sky,
painting the night sky with
a splash of color.
The way she doesn't trail away
like all the other stars.
The way she makes sure
her red trail ends somewhere close.

Somewhere I can reach her.
Somewhere she can reach me.
Somewhere a trailing star
stops being a trailing star.
Somewhere she can become my star."

Nathan shuts his journal amidst a round of snaps. His eyes find me in the crowd, and there's a nervous energy about him. But if I think he has nervous energy, I don't know how to describe the energy I have. I can't even make myself move when Nathan calls me to the stage. It doesn't help that Kate's nudging me forward.

My body goes on autopilot, and I find myself walking toward the microphone. Nathan steps out of the spotlight to greet me. The nervous energy seems to leave him when we're a foot away from each other and he sees my expression.

"You'll be okay," he whispers.

I shake my head, gripping my open journal in my hands, pressing it against my sternum until it hurts. "I'm going to throw up."

He laughs. "You're not going to throw up."

"Nathan." I give him a wide-eyed look. "I'm going to throw up..."

"Mona." He tucks my hair behind my ear and gives me an encouraging smile. "You'll be okay. It's a good poem."

"But Kate—"

"You'll get to talk to Kate afterward. Just focus on reading the poem for now."

I nod, gripping the journal a little harder. "Okay..."

He puts a hand on the small of my back and guides me into the spotlight. I take a deep breath and look out into the crowd, my eyes finding my sister. She looks back, sticking her tongue out at me. I don't know if she'll tease me like this once I'm done reading the poem, but that short interaction was strangely encouraging.

I glance at Nathan. He offers me a smile and a nod. I nod back and turn back to the audience.

"This poem is called Day and Night," I say, trying not to flinch at how my voice booms out from the speakers.

I take a deep breath and start reading.

"During the day,
we would talk about nothing.
How we are.
What we did.
What we didn't do."

Everyone in the room kind of melts away after a while, but I can still see Kate. It's almost like a spotlight is directed right at her. Her expression is blank, but it feels like she doesn't blink at all. I hope that's a good thing.

"During the night,
we would talk about everything.
How we felt.
What I did for you.
What you didn't do for me.

I heard the words,
but I never knew if you did.
I never knew if you meant
anything you said.
All I knew was you didn't
care what either of us said.
You didn't care
as long as you said 'I'm sorry.'
As long as you thought I forgave you.

But I don't think I ever did."

I force myself to glance at Kate. The spotlight on her is considerably dimmer, and I can't read her expression at all. I grip the journal a little harder, pressing it into my sternum as I keep reading.

"During the day,
we passed each other by.
During the day,
we smiled.
During the day,
we laughed.
During the day,
we thought all was forgiven.

During the night,
you asked for everything.
During the night,
you said you cared.
During the night,
you told me there wasn't
anything you wouldn't do for me.

During the night,
I did everything for you.
During the night,
I showed you I cared.
During the night,
I let you think you did
everything I would do for you."

I'm almost to the end. I glance up at Kate. I can barely even see her now, but I know she's listening. I know she's been listening this entire time.

"During the day,
I let you think we were friends.
During the night,
I wanted nothing to do with you.
During the day,
you liked to pretend everything was okay.
During the night,
you finally understood nothing was.

During the day,
we didn't speak.
During the night,
you tried to ask for forgiveness.
During the day,
I looked for a way to forgive you.
During the night,
I was never sure what to say to you.

I think in the end,
day and night blended together.
What you said and what you did,
what you didn't say and what you didn't do.
It was all the same.

In the end,
I think you were truly sorry.
In the end,
I wasn't sure if I forgave you.
In the end,
day blended into night.
In the end,
everything you could've done
became everything you did.
In the end,
I was the one that was sorry.

And if I forgive you,
would you forgive me, too?"

I take a step back from the microphone as people start snapping. I look past the audience to Kate. I see her a lot more clearly now. Our eyes meet for a second before she bolts for the front door, disappearing into the night.

Shit.

I fly out of the spotlights, stopping for a second to turn to Nathan. "I gotta go."

He nods, looking past me at the front door, his eyebrows furrowed. "Yeah. Of course. Do you want help—?"

I shake my head. "No. It's okay. I think I know where she's going. And you still have to go on with the rest of the open mic. But thank you."

Nathan nods. I think he's about to say more, but I'm already turning. I say a quick goodbye to Clara as I snatch up my skates at the counter and run out of Poems and Tales. I run straight to the park. If I know Kate, I know she would go straight to ice skating whenever she's upset, but that doesn't stop the flood of relief from washing over me when I see her skating circles on the ice.

I trade my shoes for my skates and step on the ice. When I'm a few feet from Kate, I ask, "Do you mind if I join you?"

She doesn't look at me. "What do you think?"

I let out a nervous laugh. "I don't know. Running away didn't give me much to go on."

Kate glares at me and skates toward the edge of the lake. I skate after her and we sit in the snow together. She stares straight ahead, the streetlamps around the lake casting shadows across her face. It makes her expression unreadable but sinister all at the same time. I can feel how tense she is beside me, and I have to take a deep breath before I can say anything.

"Kate—"

Her head snaps to me. "You know when Morgan died, I really hated you."

I flinch, forcing myself to maintain eye contact. "Okay."

"I hated you since Morgan couldn't. Then, I started hating you because you weren't there for me." She scoops up a handful of snow and packs it into a snowball. "It was almost like I lost two siblings instead of one. I mean—" her movements become more frantic. "—you wouldn't talk to me or anyone. You wouldn't make jokes anymore. You wouldn't smile at me. You wouldn't hug me. And when Hannah said you should come to live with her to keep your mind off of things, I thought for sure you would've told her no. But you didn't." Kate wraps her arms around her knees, keeping the snowball in one hand. "It's like you didn't even care about anything anymore. Like you were dead, too."

"That's not—"

Kate glares at me. "Mom and Dad want you to see Morgan's grave for your birthday. I don't know if you know that. I don't know if you even care."

"I do."

"Well, you don't show it." Kate throws the snowball. It clears the entire lake. "Poems don't count. I know all those poems you gave us for Christmas are just apologies. And the one you just read... if you really cared and felt sorry for what happened, you would actually do something to show it."

I nod, pulling my sleeves over my hands. "Like what? What do you want me to do?"

"Be here! Didn't you ever think that my light dimmed because you aren't here for me?"

I shrug. "I always thought it was because Morgan—"

"It was, but now it's because you aren't here." She huffs, her eyes rimming with tears. "I miss Morgan, but I miss you more."

"But you were always closer to Morgan."

"Well, it's not like I can go to Morgan now." Kate sniffles. "And why do you even care? Didn't you say in your poem that you're mad at him? That you're still mad at him?" Her eyes harden. "And for doing exactly what you're doing now?"

I blink, sitting up. "Kate, what are you talking about?"

She glares at me, tears escaping out of the corners of her eyes. "You said he wouldn't do anything he said he would. That he didn't really care about anything, but he asked you to forgive him anyway. But right now you're not doing anything and you're asking me to forgive you."

I let out a nervous laugh. "Kate, I'm not—"

"Yes, you are!" Kate shifts to her knees to face me, throwing her hands out. "You're sorry, but you don't act like you're sorry. You don't act like anything. You haven't acted like anything since Morgan died."

"How do you want me to act?"

"Like a big sister! You're supposed to care, but you don't! It's like you never have. You shut Morgan out. You shut us out. If you hadn't, maybe Morgan would still be here. Maybe you would know that we all feel bad. It's not just you, Mona."

I open and close my mouth a few times, shaking my head. "Kate, I never thought you didn't feel bad."

"Then, why did you shut me out?" Her voice cracks. She looks down at her lap. "If you're so sorry about what happened, why did you stop being my sister?"

My vision starts to blur. "I didn't mean to."

"Well, you did." She balls her hands into fists. "I was close with Morgan, but that didn't mean I didn't want you in my life."

I shift to face Kate, holding my hands out. "Kate, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shut you out when you needed me. No matter how I act, I still care about you." I swallow. "And no matter what I said or did to Morgan or what he said or did to me, we cared about each other, too." At least I hope so.

Kate looks up at me through her lashes. "So you're not gonna shut me out anymore?"

I shake my head. "I won't."

"Promise?"

"Promise." Kate nods. She crawls towards me, burying her face in my shoulder as I hold her tight. "Are you still mad?"

Kate shakes her head. "No. I miss Morgan, though." She pulls away, her eyebrows furrowed. "Are you still mad at him?"

I shrug. "A little bit. Sometimes he was a good brother, but other times he wasn't... I could've been a better sister, too."

Kate shifts, so she's sitting next to me. She leans against me, hooking her arm through mine. "You're a good sister. You did everything for Morgan when he was too scared to do it himself." After a pause, she adds. "I think he should've told you that you were a good sister more."

I look out across the lake. "I don't think that matters."

"Yes, it does." Kate sits up. "Because then maybe you would've gone to his grave." She frowns. "You know Mom and Dad want you to go for your birthday, right?"

I let out a breath, watching it condense in the air. "Yeah. I know. But I don't know if I want to go. I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"Of myself. Of what happened before he died. Of how I'll react."

"Well..." Kate leans against me again. "I think Morgan would understand if you were scared and why you're mad at him."

I scoff. "Really? Because I think he'd slap me for not going sooner."

Kate laughs, turning her face into my arm. "That, too. Which just means you have to go on your birthday to make up for it."

If only that would actually make up for everything. For both me and Morgan. But who knows? Maybe it will. I won't know unless I do it. Now it's just a matter of really wanting to do it and making myself do it.

"Mona?" Kate asks.

I glance at her. "Yeah?"

"I didn't know you and Nathan were dating."

I laugh. "What? We're not."

She sits up, frowning at me. "But his poem is about you, isn't it?"

Is it? If it is, the title makes a lot of sense now. I reach up and tug on the ends of my hair. "I wasn't really paying attention. I was too busy worrying about what you would think about my poem."

Kate shakes her head at me. "Selfish..."

I roll my eyes, shoving her lightly. "Whatever."

Kate giggles, but she squints at me. "So you're not dating?"

I hesitate. We're definitely more than friends now, but I don't know if we're really dating. We're somewhere in between. "I like him a lot, and I think he likes me a lot."

Kate squints at me for a second longer. In the end, she accepts that as an answer, her expression softening. "I like Nathan and Clara a lot better than your old friends. Kassie, Leah, and Jason never liked talking to me. And when they did, they weren't nice about it. They were only nice to me when you or Morgan was around."

I let out a breath. "Yeah, well, they were only nice to me when Morgan was around, too." Especially during those last few months.

Kate leans against me again. "At least you have Nathan and Clara now."

I nod. "Yeah. I'm glad they're nice to you."

"Me too. I'm glad they're nice to you, too." Me too. "Nathan is especially nice to you."

I scoop up a handful of snow and toss it in Kate's face. She sputters before throwing snow at me. She scrambles to the lake and skates away before I can throw more snow at her. I scoop up a handful and pack it into a snowball as I skate after her. Before I know it, we find ourselves in a snowball fight on the ice, and all I can think is it really does feel like old times.