The car ride to the park is silent, and the gravity between me and Nathan feels heavier than I'm used. I don't want to be the one to fracture it, though. Now that I'm sure I'm a black hole, I don't want to do anything that might hurt Nathan more than he already is. And he is hurt. I'm not so destructive that I can't see it, but I am so destructive that I don't trust myself to go about orbiting closer to him.

Once Nathan parks the car along the street, he turns to look at me. "Everything okay?" Just like that, the gravity changes and it's like he's orbiting me instead of the other way around. He doesn't feel like a black hole anymore. He feels like a star, trying to shine light on me. "You haven't said much since we left Varies."

I nod, unbuckling my seatbelt. "Just lost in thought."

Nathan tilts his head to the side. "About what?"

I gesture to the night sky through the windshield. "Stars and..."

I don't know if I want to talk to Nathan about black holes. If he confirms that I am one, I might collapse on myself in an instant. But that's better than becoming even more destructive than I already am. I know I'm capable of it. I just don't want to see it happen again.

"Just stars," I say, reaching for the door handle.

Nathan follows me out of the car, and we trudge through the snow to the frozen lake. "What about stars?"

As I take off my shoes, I look up at the night sky. "That they're trailing."

I feel his eyes on me, but he doesn't say anything. He just waits for an elaboration, but that's really the same thing as asking me to explain. Instead of responding, I shove on my skates and step out on the ice first. Once Nathan has his skates on, he doesn't hesitate to follow which catches me off guard. So does the fact that he's skating without needing to hold onto me. I can't think of anything else as I watch him skate. He's graceful on the ice now that he can stay on his own two feet. When I comment on it, he admits he and Clara went skating a few times together after I left or before we hung out.

I smile. "She must be a good teacher."

Nathan laughs. "She can be, but she's not as patient as you are."

"Still. You made good progress with her."

"I think that was more because of my determination than her teaching skills." I arch an eyebrow, and Nathan lets out a breath, glancing away. "After you fell that one time, I felt bad about not being able to skate well enough to make sure you were okay when that was all you've been doing for me. So I wanted to spend more time skating in case it happened again." He offers me a shy smile. "Now I'm more prepared in case you do fall."

I blink, all thoughts of black holes leaving my mind as I take in Nathan. He really is a star in every sense of the word. Bright. Warm. Beautiful. Somehow, he makes me feel the same way every time he looks at me.

"Thanks," I whisper.

He shrugs. "I'm sure you'll still end up catching me more than I'll catch you."

"We'll catch each other from now on."

Nathan glances up. "Like catching stars."

If I am one... Black holes come back to mind and look down at the ground, the stars suddenly a little too bright for me.

"Are you okay?" Nathan asks, skating a little closer to me.

"I'm fine." I swallow, pulling on my sleeves. I take a few breaths before meeting Nathan's eyes. "Thanks for learning how to skate just for me. And for skating with me at two in the morning."

"No problem." The only real illumination we have is the moon. The lack of light makes it hard to see Nathan's expression even when we're a foot away from each other. He turns his head up again, making it even harder to read him. "The stars are bright tonight."

I keep my eyes on Nathan, knowing exactly what he means "What does that mean for you?"

"I think it means my hope is stronger. Or I'm just being taunted harder than before."

"Bright stars don't mean closer stars."

"No. They're still trailing." He looks down at me. "Does it mean the same for you?"

Now that he's looking at me head-on, my brain shuts down. "Um... I think bright stars just mean it's really late at night."

Nathan laughs, and in that moment, his silver eyes really are as bright as the stars. Not even just that moment. When he stops laughing, his eyes still look like stars. "That, too. But are your stars still trailing?"

"When do stars not trail?"

"You'll know when you have them." So never. Nathan's eyebrows furrow and his eyes flicker across my face. In the end, it's my hands that catch his attention. "You're shaking. Are you cold?"

I nod. "Something like that."

"Wanna go inside somewhere? Do something there and save ourselves from hypothermia?"

I shove my hands into my pockets and glance up at the night sky, focusing on some of the stars. They're not as luminous as Nathan, but they definitely remind me of him and his poems.

"How about reading?" I ask.

Nathan smiles. "Sounds like a plan."

We head to Poems and Tales, and the moment we step inside, warmth washes over us. Only a few people are scattered around the room this early in the morning. It's comforting to know that not everyone is awake at this time. The feeling of being awake when no one else is is one of the best in the world. Makes you feel more alive.

Nathan goes to put away his skates and grab a journal, and we sit at a table near the microphone and spotlights. He reads aloud to me, and I shut my eyes to take in his voice. As always, I love every poem but only one really calls out to me: Polaris.

"Polaris
North Star.
Guiding Light.

There is no difference.

Looked up to.
Followed.
Loved.

But you're not as you seem.

You appear as you were
8 years ago.
Seen as a guide.
Seen as a bright light.

But maybe that's not
who you are.
Maybe you never were
a star.

You can't be pinned down
as a single thing.
Can't be figured out
because what you seem
like now isn't what you were.
And what you were was
never really true."

I open my eyes and glance at Nathan. He's staring intensely at the poem, his eyes flickering across the page like he's trying to pull out the meaning himself.

"Sometimes you use specific stars," I note.

He nods, sitting back. "Sometimes."

"How come? What do they mean? What do you mean?"

"You tell me."

I should be used to this from him by now, but I still find it strange he would ask me what I think his poem is about. What's worse is I feel an urgency to get the answer right, to see the poem through his perspective. I replay a few of the lines in my head, getting more and more anxious the longer it takes for me to get the answer. Maybe English class teaches you how to understand a piece of writing, but I don't think it will ever teach you how to empathize with the writer. Not in the way that matters. And I've never wanted to do that more in my life than I do right now.

"I guess the poem is about..." I glance at Nathan. He nods at me to go on, his expression unreadable. I swallow. "Change?" Nathan's expression stays the same, but I have nothing else to say, so I repeat, "I think it's about change. And not being able to catch up with it. Especially if it's someone specific changing."

Nathan nods slowly, his expression becoming even more unreadable somehow. That's how I know I got it wrong. Regardless, Nathan smiles at me after a moment.

"That's a poetic way of looking at it," he says.

I gesture to him. "How do you look at it?"

He glances down at the poem, his eyes flickering across the page. "I try not to."

What does that mean? I want to know, but a part of me is too scared to ask. I've caught glimpses of it all night, but I don't know if I'm really ready to see this side of his mind. The side that's not starry at all. But if he's a black hole like I am, maybe we'll merge if I confirm it. And if we merge, maybe I won't collapse on myself. And maybe we can stop each other from being too destructive.

Or maybe what I really want is for him to stop me from ruining everything. Myself most of all no matter how selfish that might be.

I swallow, shifting. "Nathan?"

He turns to me. "Yeah?"

I rub my arm. "Do you—?"

The bell above the door goes off, and I forget what I'm about to ask when Clara walks in. Nathan follows my gaze. I expect him to stiffen, but he's just as relaxed as ever. So is Clara. I'm not sure if she's forgiven Nathan, but she walks over to us, taking the seat on the other side of the table.

Nathan arches an eyebrow. "Why are you up?"

Clara props her head up on the table. "Couldn't sleep."

Nathan gestures between us. "We couldn't sleep either."

Clara grumbles. "Is there such a thing as collective insomnia?"

"Don't know. But there's such a thing as empathy, and we clearly have it if we're all having trouble sleeping."

Clara sits up, waving her hands in front of her. "Stop. It's too early in the morning for you to be poetic." She eyes the journal. "It's also too early to be reading poems."

Nathan points at her. "It's never too early to read or write poems."

"Because you're weird."

I glance between them, feeling the corners of my mouth turn up. I really should've realized sooner that they won't bring up the argument and they'll just forgive each other. Something Morgan and I did almost every time we had an argument. Almost. It's a simple solution, and it always felt right. And it feels right for Nathan and Clara, too.

Clara stands, rubbing her face. "I think we need coffee."

She heads to the counter. Nathan watches her for a second before he starts reading his poems to himself. I feel too weird interrupting him, all the urgency from before leaving me. It's probably for the best anyway, so I pull out my phone, angling it away from Nathan. When I'm sure he can't see the screen, I read Morgan's Messages.

Morgan: What time is it?

Me: You have a phone.

Morgan: I just want to make sure I'm not seeing things.

Me: In that case, yes, it is past one in the morning. And yes you are dead when you get home.

Morgan: Can you sneak out so we can come to the door together?

Me: Mom and Dad know I'm at home.

Morgan: So? They always go easier on me when we're together.

Me: Pfft NO.

Morgan: Pfft YES.

Me: Not provable but fine. You owe me big time, though.

Morgan: I already owe you two times infinity. What's a little more?

"Reading texts from no one again?" Clara asks, trying to read my phone upside down.

I tighten my grip on it. "Yeah. Pretty much."

She narrows her eyes at me, but she slowly lowers herself into her chair. She slides two mugs over to me and Nathan. The foam design on mine is a snowflake. Nathan's is a star. Clara's is a flower.

Clara takes a sip, looking at us over the brim of her mug. "So what have you guys been doing all night?"

We take turns catching her up on everything we did before coming here. Nathan ends by leaning towards her, propping his elbow on the table. "Why didn't you tell me you showed Mona the roof?"

Clara smiles as she sits back, clutching the mug in her hands. "It was a pleasant surprise, wasn't it?"

Nathan glances at me, his expression softening. "Yeah. It was."

Clara turns to me. "And his skating is better, right?"

I smile. "It definitely is."

She throws out her hand with a flourish and bows her head. "You're welcome to both of you."

Nathan arches an eyebrow. "Did you come here just to brag?"

"About what a great friend I am?" She jerks her chin down once. "Yeah, pretty much. It's better than tossing and turning all night."

Nathan rolls his eyes. "If you were really a good friend, I don't think you'd feel the need to brag about it."

"Then, how would you ever know that you're lucky to have me in your life?"

"Am I really...?"

I laugh, covering my mouth with my hands. Nathan and Clara glance at me, and I feel the heat rise to my face. I drop a hand in my lap and tuck my hair behind my ear with the other. "Sorry. Ignore me. I'm just..." I swallow, folding my hands in my lap. "This just reminds me of something."

"What does it remind you of?" Nathan asks, sitting back.

I glance between them. "I mentioned this to Clara before, but I think you could really be siblings."

Clara makes a face, waving me off. "And I already mentioned this to Mona, but I could never be related to someone so weird."

Nathan glares at her before turning to me, a question in his eyes. "What do you mean by that?"

I shift, sitting back. "I mean you obviously care about each other. You fight a lot, but you make up on your own. You take turns being the one with common sense. And you have conversations with each other without even talking."

"So you and your sisters are like that?"

Not me and my sisters. But Morgan and I were scarily similar to Nathan and Clara if not exactly like them. So, "We could be."

Clara sits forward, setting her mug down on the table. "But you and your siblings seem like you're good siblings. Nathan..." Clara eyes him. "I think he's more of an average sibling."

Nathan... I don't want to say flinches, but it's definitely close to something like that. He makes eye contact with Clara, and a series of expressions flash across their faces. Nathan looks away first, taking a deep breath before he turns to me.

"So what's it like?" he asks, his voice quiet. "To have siblings? Or to be a..." He glances at Clara "...good sibling?"

I feel the corners of my mouth turn up. I have to look down at the table as I get lost in the details about how I got into a lot of fights with Hannah growing up and how I was always forced to help Kate with homework and trivial things that didn't matter to me but meant the world to her.

"That sounds... like a lot..." Nathan laughs.

I nod. "That's one way to put it."

"How about Morgan?" Clara asks. "You haven't talked about him at all."

I tightly clasp my hands in my lap and bite the inside of my cheek. I'm not sure what I'm going to say when I open my mouth, but I'm glad it's, "We had good times, too."

Clara sits forward. "Like what?"

"Learning how to ice skate."

"And what was that like?"

I have to blink a few times and swallow to get rid of the lump in my throat. Not that it really does anything. "A lot of falling and yelling."

"Couldn't have been worse than how Clara taught me," Nathan says.

Clara scoffs, glaring at Nathan. They immediately get into an argument. I let out a breath, shutting my eyes, but at the same time, the weight settles back on my chest. I really shouldn't be happy that they're fighting—that I'm a black hole—but to not talk about Morgan... I need that right now. And all the time really.

I feel a light brush against my knee, and I open my eyes. When I glance at Nathan, he gives me a small smile. Did he really...? He turns back to Clara to keep arguing with her. He really did... The weight doubles down, but there's a certain warmth to it now. I know the latter is from Nathan. And the prior... that's all on me. For not hiding my feelings better. For putting myself in this situation. For making him feel like he needed to get into an argument with Clara. For ruining something that's close to a siblinghood like how I ruined my own.