I AM LATE ON MY own party but I didn't mind.

Wala naman kasi akong gana pang mabuhay para i-celebrate pa ang buhay ko. Kung hindi lang dahil kay Jana ay hindi ko pipiliting tumayo sa kama.

It has been ten months since Sofie broke up with me and decided to fuck my bastard brother instead. Up until now, alcohol and cigarettes are my companion after getting laid to strangers I met at bars or nightclubs—kung saan ako dalhin ni Adrian.

Those ten months became repetitive; like a fucking boring government administrative job where there is no place to grow for your career, where you will stay until your retirement age because that's the life you were used to, because that's what others thought you should be. You can't do anything because they already have consumed your thoughts, they have controlled your mind like a fucking capitalist tycoon.

Most of the times, I would wake up with random nude chick beside me. Then, I will get up before she even set her eyes on me again. I will find myself in my condo unit to rest while preparing for another titillating night. The moment I leave my room, the night is already young for Adrian to flood my inbox like a fucking pimp who has a jet-setter customer for me to satiate.

His invite would be either to a party-slash-orgy rage or to a stupid elementary club's—Black Seoreh's—gambling session located in some golden casino at Pasay. Before the clock ticks to two, I know I am already sniffing whatever stimulant is available in one of the card tables. Before I knew it, I had involuntary woken up to someone else's room.

Each night has its similar vagueness. The feeling of arousal could be different depending how lusciously attractive my one-night stand is. There are some notable nights that I swore I almost broke my ribcage from pounding however, most of them were low standard sex.

Tonight is different. I won't be spending the night with random seductive strangers. Instead, what Jana gave to me as a present is a nonsense birthday party that I will never appreciate. Lahat ng kaibigan ko ay alam na ayaw kong sine-celebrate ang birthday ko. 'Yung ginawa ni Sofie before is just a one time thing. No one wants to hook second time around with their one-night stands, right? So, why would you do the same stupid, stained party again?

I strode down my motorbike then slide my hands into the cashmere silk suit I was forced to wear. Inside the jacket is just my plain white t-shirt—I never bothered to follow the dress code. This is my party. Tonight is my birthday. Ako dapat ang masusunod.

I stepped inside of the hotel hall. My head is still spinning because of the pill I took last night and the joint I smoked for my breakfast didn't help either. So, I am not in my right mind for tonight. Kung sino man ang makita kong hindi kaaya-aya ay paniguradong masusuntok ko nang wala sa oras.

Tama! 'Yon ang dapat kong gawin. Matagal nang kumakati ang kamao ko. Kailangan ko ng mukhang malalampaso.

One girl who's holding her head high is waiting for me by the door. I paused for a moment to study her whole body. She's fucking hot. She is taller than my regular one-night stands. She is hell taller than my ideal lady. Her legs are willowy but too strong to balance herself in a high-inched stilettos. The flickers of muscles were admirable because it was beautifully toned in shape.

I cannot fathom what she is wearing but I know it complimented every curve of her body. Hindi na ako makapaghintay na lapitan siya. Her whole presence arouses me right now. How come we did not lay each other yet?

"Happy birthday." Her voice is soft like her lips. She wet it again using her tongue. If I am not high right now, I might think that Jana's longing to caress my raw body too.

Nilaro ko ang tingin pababa sa leeg niya hanggang sa hubad niyang balikat. The moles on her collar bone are visible even to my blurry visions. Her head tilted just to cascade her long brown hair into her glittery shoulders.

"Why the hell did you do this?" I asked.

"So, you can have fun with your family and friends again."

"My family's here? Ikaw ba ang naka-drugs, Jana?" I shouted. I don't know how loud but it's enough to get Steven to walk towards us. Halos hindi ko na siya nakilala dahil as istilo ng buhok niya. "What the fuck, p're? Are you some part of a K-pop cult?" Hindi niya pinansin ang pang-aasar ko sa pula niyang buhok. "Anong nahithit mo, gago?" Hindi matapos ang tawa ko.

"Your Mom's here, Ralph. Kaya umayos ka." Hinila niya ako palabas ng pintuan, sumunod lang sa'min si Janaya. "Ang pula ng mata mo. High ka na naman ba?"

I rolled my eyes. "That was like 16 hours ago. I am safe and sound."

Nakapamewang na sa'kin si Jana ngayon. Ang silver pouch niya ay nakahanda na upang tumama sa braso ko. "I told you to abstain at least three days before this party!"

"I cannot help it. Malaki ang winning prize kahapon."

Hinila ni Steven ang kwelyo ko upang kausapin ako sa mata. "Kung ayaw mong malaman ni Tita ang katarantaduhan mo, umayos ka sa sarili mong party."

Malakas ko siyang tinulak kaya't tumama ito sa pader. Kahit carpeted ito ay alam kong masakit ang pagkakatama ng likod niya doon. "Eh, sino ba kasing nagsabi na mag-host kayo ng party?"

Tangina. Imbes na may nilalamas na ako ngayon, para akong timang na magpapanggap na ayos lang ang lahat. Hindi ba nila makita? Walang ayos sa'kin. At kahit kailan hindi ako titino. Kaya't mas mabuting lunurin ko na lang ang sarili sa bisyo nang mapadali ang katapusan ko.

A profound slap echoed down the hallway. It came from Jana's palm harboring my cheeks for a millisecond. Although her hands were softer than a cotton, it still left a mark on my face—a distinguished red stamp that reflects her feelings as her eyes are becoming watery.

"When will you stop being a fucking asshole?" She holds her teeth from clenching. Before I had the time to defend myself, she walked out.

Disappointment is highlighted on Steven's face. I want to tell him that I can never please anyone but I know I am wrong for hurting Jana's feelings just because I was wounded hundred of times.

"Can you just be normal? Just for tonight. Just for Jana and your mom."

I followed his advise. Malaki ang impact niya pagdating sa decision making ko simula pa bata kami. Para bang kung anong sabihin niya ay tama. Ilang beses niya na akong nahila pabalik upang magbago ngunit mas malakas ang kombinasyon ni Adrian at ng malulungkot na weed joints sa kwarto ko.

The morning after my twenty second birthday, I woke up beside someone I knew, someone I cared for since I was twelve. It was a fresh experience for the both of us. Our bodies match every stroke and throb. We made sure that each other's desire will not strive for longer days. The only difficulty that we would encounter is the infliction of different levels of pain our body desires.

However, there was no such thing as happy ending. When I felt that her feelings were already part of the strings, I cut if off so she would not come to me deeper. As much as I was enjoying our little trip to the highest peaks of our bodies, I need to be the one to conclude that compulsion.

♣♦♥♠

SINUNDAN AKO NI ERICA hanggang makarating sa parking lot ng university. Hindi ako makapaniwalang kakausapin niya pa rin ako kahit pa desperada na ang pinakitang pangongontra ng kaibigan niya kahapon. Sabagay, ako ang nagpumilit na ihatid siya sa set ni Jana.

Binigay ko kay Erica ang tinatago kong helmet na binili ko dati—just for her. Wala naman akong ibang inangkas pa sa motor ko after Sofie. At alam kong pinagtatapon ko na ang lahat ng gamit niya na iniwan sa'kin.

"Are you sure hindi magagalit si Cruella?"

Kinunot niya ang noo pero nagets naman niya ang ibig kong sabihin. Wala siyang sinabi at pinagpatuloy lang ang pagsuot ng helmet. I cannot help but to smile. Wala na ang mabigat na tensyon sa pagitan naming dalawa. Para bang bumalik kami sa estado ng relasyon namin bago niya ako palayuin na siyang naging sanhi ng agresibo kong reaksyon para saktan ang damdamin niya. Mukhang tama ang desisyon ko na kuhanin ang bag niya at magpanggap na may-ari ng cellphone.

Katunayan, kaya lang naman ako pumasok sa klase ng matandang dalagang propesor namin ay para pag-usapan ang label na parehas naming hinihingi sa isa't isa.

"Hey, Erica!"

Sabay kaming napalingon sa tumawag sa kanya. It's the same tall guy yesterday. Pamilyar ang itsura ng lalaki. Alam kong hindi ko lang siya kahapon nakita. O baka masyadong generic ang mukha niya kaya't marami siyang kamukha. Wala namang kagusto-gusto sa kanya bukod sa taas niya.

His pants are tightened to his legs which is his obvious way to attract women—his only way to attract women. And if they are as shallow as I think they are, they would give a second look at him and to his shameful pants.

"Where are you going? Masyado pang maaga, ha?"

Bago pa ito tuluyang makalapit kay Erica ay tinabihan ko na siya. I need to set boundaries, baka akala niya'y libre niya pang malalandi si Erica.

"Who's he?" I questioned her.

"Ralph, si Ethan. Ethan, Ralph," pagpapakilala ni Erica kahit pa it was just a rhetorical question. I don't want to know his stupid name.

Itinaas niya ang kilay tanda ng pagbati at saka binaling muli ang tingin kay Erica. "Sige, una na ako. May klase pa ako. Basta, mamaya, ha? Game ka?"

Tinignan ko si Erica na malaki ang ngiti. "Sige."

"Tawagan kita," pahabol ni Mr. Daddy Long Legs bago tuluyang lumayas sa paningin ko.

"He has your number?" I try to sound as curious as possible and not a stupid anxious boyfriend. I mean, she's not mine yet to be greedy with. I just cannot fathom someone else—especially a guy—to secure her number without going through the hardships that I have went through.

She side-glanced. "Oo."

"Why?" Imbes na sumakay na sa motor ay hinarang ko ang katawan kay Erica na sinasandalan lang din ang sasakyan ko. Our feet are just two inches away from each other.

"Tutor niya ako."

Napahiwalay ako. "Kailan ka pa nagtututor?"

"Simula last week, nang sisantehin ako ni Sir A."

"Yeah. You're better off without that restobar, anyway."

Siya naman ang napatigil ngayon at tila lumungkot ang ekspresyon. The same expression I see every time she walks out the bar late at night. Don't tell me she still wants to work there?

"Hindi ko alam. Nasanay na ako sa pagiging waitress. Parang hindi bagay sa'kin 'tong trabaho ko ngayon." Yumuko siya upang itago sa akin ang mga mata. Pansin kong pinaglaruan ng mga kamay niya ang helmet, pinapaikot niya ito na akala mong doctor na hinahanap ang bukol ng paseyente niya.

"Look at me," utos ko. "Hey." Nang hindi niya ako pansinin ay inagaw ko ang itim na helmet sa kanya. Dahan-dahan kong hinaplos ang kamay sa pisngi niya nang tignan niya ako sa mata. Nagbabakasakali siyang ang paghaplos ko ang magpapagaan ng nararamdaman niya.

"This is a good thing, you know. You're getting out of your comfort zone. Isa pa, ayokong nakikitang minamaltrato ka ng A na 'yon," pagpapataas ko ng kumpyansa niya.

"Salamat, Ralph." Her captivating smile draws me once again.

I run down my hands through her now short hair. Pinaglaruan ko ito at saka tinignan muli siya. "And the tutoring... I think that suits your abilities more."

I gently cup her chin for it to be tilted on the right angle where I can clearly see her lips drying of mouth to trace it. The moment is right as I can hear the drums playing inside my chest however, she looked away.

Kinuha niya ang ang helmet na nasa pagitan lang ng siko at bewang ko. Tumikhim siya. "Tara na. Baka mapatay ako ni Janaya."

Yeah. I will definitely kill her for infiltrating your mind and ruining our moment.

♣♦♥♠

Kitang-kita sa kilos ni Quisumbing ang kaba nang mabilis itong tumatakbo papunta sa dressing room ni Jana. May scheduled photoshoot ang sikat kong kaibigan ngayon para sa isang sikat na magazine at ang kukuha sa kanya ngayon ay ang pinakasikat daw na photographer, ayon sa kanya.

Bakit hindi alam ni Quisumbing ang schedule? I don't know as well. One thing's for sure, mas natatakot pa siya kay Jana kumpara sa akin.

Para sa isang taong takot sa atensyon ng iba, tila walang pakialam ngayon si Quisumbing kung ilang beses siyang lingunin ng mga nakakasalubong niya sa hallway. Pumasok siya sa isang pinto at kahit ilang metro pa ang layo ko ay rinig ko na ang mga bulyaw ni Jana.

She's really high-tempered. Baka isa sa mga dahilan ng pagtanggal sa kanya sa sinalihan niyang contest ay ang attitude niya. Hindi naman bago sa kanya 'yon. She knows she's assertive and she can look aggressive to others if that boldness was too much for any normal person can handle.

I admit that I somehow contributed on how she treats people now. Nagkakilala kami dahil pinagtitripan siya noong elementary pa lang kami. She was a wimp fifth grader back then while I was the popular sixth grader together with Adrian and Steven. We stood up to her bullies, but at that time, gusto lang magpasikat ni Adrian sa guidance counselors. Pero si Jana mismo ang lumalapit sa amin tuwing lunch break, ilang linggo rin siya ang supplier ng pagkain namin. Sa sobrang pasasalamat niya ay inimbitahan pa niya kami sa Cinderella-themed birthday party niya. Doon unti-unting nabuo ang pagkakaibigan namin. We taught Jana how to fight back, how to change perspective, and how to treat other people. Hanggang sa wala nang lumalapit kay Jana na bullies. Naging parte siya ng grupo, ng popular clique, because of that she gathered as many friends as possible, fake or not.

Walang problema ang parents namin dahil madali rin silang nagkasundo. Pare-pareho ang mindset nila—mapalago ang kanya-kanyang business. My mother liked Jana. She even introduced her to talent managers, artist agencies, and other influential person in showbiz industry.

It's no secret of hers that she wants to be popular, and she can only achieve that by being a celebrity. She wants to be in a centerfold of the number one magazine, she wants her billboards to parade the highways, she wants to achieve her dreams that it became the only addiction that pleasures her.

And when she was chosen to be a contestant of the South East Asia's Next Top Model, I wasn't there to celebrate with her.

Bago ko pa buksan ang pinto ng dressing room ni Jana ay may nagbukas na nito para sa akin. Nakatitig lang sa akin si Erica habang ang mukha ay puno ng pawis. Bakas sa itsura niya na katatanggap niya lang ng malulutong na lait ni Jana.

"Where are you going?" pagtataka ko.

"May pinapabili lang si Janaya."

Binaba ko ang tingin sa kamay niya na may nilulukot na papel na pera.

"I'll come with you," saad ko.

"Huwag na. Kaya ko naman." Mukhang dalisay naman ang ngiti niya kaya't hinayaan ko na lang siyang umalis.

Before the white door reaches its jamb, half of my foot is already inside, stopping it from closing. The reflection of Jana's face in the vanity mirror is visible. Her eyes directly stopped at mine for a second before scrolling back at her phone. There is a hairstylist I have never seen before by her right. The stylist is slipping the celebrity-approved hair flattening iron on Jana.

Hindi na nakatiis ang kaibigan ko sa katahimikan at nagsalita, "So, you accompanied her?"

She had many questions when I answered Erica's phone before. Hindi ako nakapagpaliwanag nang maayos dahil pati siya'y natataranta.

"Yes. I thought that's what you wanted." Umupo ako sa pahabang sofa na siyang nakaharap din sa salamin. Malakas akong bumuntong hininga nang makasandal ako. Masyadong masakit ang likod ko.

Pinaikot niya ang upuan upang humarap sa akin. Napatigil tuloy ang hairstylist niya sa pamamlantsa ng tuwid niyang buhok.

"Fine. Let's talk, Ralph." Sinenyasan niya ang taga-ayos ng buhok na lumabas upang kaming dalawa na lang ang matira sa loob ng kwarto.

Inilapad ko ang braso sa malambot na sandalan habang hinihimas ang ulo.

Here we go. Paniguradong pagsisisihan ko na pumasok pa ako sa kwartong ito.

"How about when you ditched me at the airport with Adrian?" she started.

"I never said I am going to pick you up at the airport."

"Yes. Kaya nga you said na babawi ka by accompanying me on the dinner with my parents."

She is playing the make-them-feel-guilty card. And she is fucking good at it.

Tumayo ako. "Fine. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry at that, Ralph. Apologize because you would rather spend your time with that cheap waitress over your best friend whom you haven't seen for a year!"

How many times do I need to tell her that Steven is my best friend? It's the open-secret she had known since we were twelve.

"I'm here now. I was there last week to have an early dinner with you."

This is the other problem with Jana. Ever since we became friends with benefits, she became clingy—that was very unlikely of her, and we both know that we hate those type of people.

Hindi siya nakasagot dahil may kumatok at bumukas ng pinto. "Jana, you're up in five," saad ng lalaking staff.

Tumango si Jana. Nagpanggap na walang tensyong bumabalot sa kulob na kwarto. She smiled like every other celebrity. Once we're alone in the room, her eyes revert to being icy. "You are only here because of that cheap waitress, right?"

Hindi ko siya sinagot.

She let off a soundless laugh. "I don't know if totoong nagayuma ka ng bruha na 'yon or you're just using her to forget Sophia. She's not even a hooker, Ralph. What do you like about her?"

"Sorry to burst your bubble, Jana, but I have forgotten Sofie." Pipihitin ko na sana ang busol ng pinto nang hilahin niya ako upang idampi ang bibig niya sa'kin. Nagsimula itong gumalaw kasabay ng paglalaro ng kamay niya sa leeg ko upang mas lalong maglapit ang katawan namin.

Jana smells like the Burberry perfume I gave on her 18th birthday. I missed that smell. I missed those spontaneous moments. I missed her body that can never be compared to anyone. I missed how she satiates every pleasure my body starved for.

The next thing I knew, I am already groping her thighs and her hands are already zippering down my pants.

"Jana, stop." Humiwalay ako sa kanya.

Magkahalo ang ekspresyon ng mukha niya. Gulat siya dahil sa paglayo ko pero bakas din na disappointed siya sa akin. She went back in front of the mirror to fix her lipstick, trying not to affect her emotions.

"So, you don't need me anymore because you've moved on?"

"I am still your friend."

I know Jana likes me. Even though she never confessed, it was pretty obvious on how different she treats me compared to Adrian and Steven. It was the reason why I cut off the strings attached to us. I don't want to give false hope. I don't want her to fall deeper and feel devastated at the end.

"What do you like about her?" Humarap siya sa'kin. She buttoned down her blouse until the gap between her breasts is perceptible. She knows I am aroused. She's playing with me.

"She's...."

"Innocent, reserved, demure, pristine, untouched, virgin?" She sarcastically enumerated.

I gritted my teeth before speaking firmly. "I am leaving."

"Or you just need someone to save? You need someone vulnerable like Sophia. You need someone who thinks they need you because you're always saving the day. You need her because she makes you feel significant, that your life matters. Because in reality, you're just another sad, weak mortal who needed saving."

Bago pa ako makalabas ay inunahan niya na ako.