A NOISY SHATTERING of glass awoke me from a deep sleep. I shield myself using my right hand from the bright light coming through the white, sheer-curtained window. I yawned a little too times before realizing where I was and what was the noise that I heard.

Moving to the bathroom, I turned on the faucet to cleanse my face and rinse my palate using the mouthwash. I still stink from the amount of whiskey I drank yesterday. Which reminds me of how I get here in my sister's condominium.

Remembering what happened the night before is not what I usually do. I just go with the flow. If there'll be a girl next to me, if a day later someone will knock on my door crying because I ghosted her, you pick. But that will never bother me.

I looked straight into the mirror then shut my eyes as the wound under it educed idiocy. Hindi pa rin mabura ang bakas na iniwan ng mga alagad ni Banerji. Balang araw, malilintikan din sila sa'kin.

In the kitchen, my sister is just finishing up preparing for breakfast in the counter table. Before I can get near the kitchen island, I saw crystals of plate inside the trash can, this must be the violent sound I heard earlier.

Ito ang unang beses na napang-abot kami sa umaga simula nang matulog dito si Quisumbing. Ako ang madalas na umiiwas, I admit it. Kapag magkasabay kasi kami ay paniguradong maririndi siya sa katahimikan dahil ayaw ko siyang kausap. Then, she will just make the situation more awkward. And that will send me running on my motorbike. We usually talk thru phone call when she updates me on our grandmother's condition. Based on the looks of her eyes, there are still no progress on her situation.

The sound of spoon hitting the pure white, squared plate succumbs. "You can eat here, if you want. I prepared a brunch for two." She cannot take the sirens of silence.

Napakamot ako sa batok bago hilahin ang upuan. "Why? Expecting someone else? A boyfriend, perhaps?" I sat down.

Since her long-term relationship during her law school days, I haven't heard anything about her other relationships. But, when I actually think about it, I am not that interested on her love life. She's terrible at that.

She sighed, shoulders down, before intensely lays the plate full of burned sausages and what I think is a supposed sunny side up but ended up scrambled. "No one's going to visit Nana during lunch. I can accompany you." She quietly sat.

I don't want to disappoint her terrible morning face, so I looked for a less-burned sausages then cut it in half and eat the medium well-done side. This is my first-time taking bites on her dish— if you can call this one. When we were younger and when I was still part of the family, the maid cooks for us. Now that she has been independent for more than four years, she's still awful in cooking. Sometimes, I miss Tam's flavorful soups. I really should treat her more pleasantly.

"I've already seen her." For about millisecond, before my jackass brother closed the door for me. If I'm going to see my grandmother, I prefer when she is well enough to recognize me. Not right now that the only thing I can talk to is the small machine that supports her.

"Mom wants to see you."

So, may iba pala siyang balak. Kaya pala inimbitahan ako.

"Yeah, done seeing her too. At the wedding, remember?"

Nawawalan ako ng ganang kumain.

Nagseryoso ang mukha niya, namuo ang pag-aala sa mga mata. "She is worried, Ralph. You're in trouble again." Tinutukoy niya ang pasa sa mukha ko.

Hindi ko sinabi ang buong detalye kung paano ko nakuha 'to dahil paniguradong susuwayin niya ang napagkasunduan namin. Isa pa, sanay naman silang lagi akong napapaaway. That's what I'm good at. Ilang beses din akong palipat-lipat ng rehabilitation center dahil madalas akong makipagbugbugan. This is my way of displacing disturbing problems. They should deal with it. Kaya lang naman ako nagpanggap na matino ay para makalabas sa walang-hanggang kulungan na 'yon.

"That's not news for her, I believe. Especially when her husband put his fist in my face."

Akala ba nila matino ang kalalabasan ng anak nila kung purong pang-aabuso ang pinaggagawa nila? Sila ata ang may kailangan ng counseling at hindi ako.

"If you won't meet her, siya ang pupunta sa unit mo. And you don't want her to know what you've been up to."

Mahigpit kong hinawakan ang tinidor. Alam na alam niya talaga kung paano ako bawian. Sa pamilya, siya lang ata ang may kakayahang kontrolin ako. Maybe because she's the only one that really cares.

Tumayo ako. I don't want her to sense my feelings. Or maybe I don't want to accept that after trying different kind of drugs, the small part of my brain that controls these damn emotions is still intact. Since the day Sofie cheated on me I never gave my sincerity to anyone. It's because I'm afraid.

♣♦♥♠

Sa penthouse ni Adrian ako dumiretso. Siya ang makakasagot ng isa sa maraming tanong na gumugulo sa utak ko. Saktong alas dose ako nakarating kaya't inaasahan kong magulo pa rin ang lugar niya. Sa ilang ulit na party ang nahost niya, tatlong araw pa ata bago malinis nang maayos ang mga dumi at bahong iniwan ng kung sinong mga inimbita niya.

Pagbukas ng elevator ay sumalubong sa'kin ang dalawang lalaking nakahiga sa sahig. "Stupid cunts." I murmured in frustration.

As I enter further, the trash seems to double. It's full of empty Black Label and Jack Daniels bottles. Numerous crumpled paper cash are on the floor waiting for me to put it in my pocket. And I will never get used to used condoms hanging on whatever furniture they were thrown out.

I try to find Adrian into group of naked men and women sleeping beside each other, laying their backs on the carpeted floor in the living room.

"Nasaan 'yung gagong 'yon?" Lumabas pa ako upang tignan kung nasa pool siya, pero iilan lang ang may lakas-loob na maligo sa ilalim ng katanghalian.

I rush to the staircase targeting the rooms. "Adrian!" I made sure that everyone will wake their asses up.

"Fuck, bro! Anong nginangawa mo? Ang aga-aga!" Lumabas siyang kwarto niya. Hindi siya mukhang bagong gising. Katunayan, mukha siyang wala pang tulog. He brushed his eyes using his hand full of white chalk-like blemishes.

Coke. Not the cola.

"Tangina, Adrian! Gaano karami na naman ang hinithit mo?"

Suot niya pa rin ang suot kahapon maliban sa pang-itaas.

Nagulat ako nang malakas niyang sampalin ang magkabilang pisngi ko nang sabay gamit ang mga kamay niya. "Shit, bro. You need to have a taste of this liberty again!"

Maybe the reason I left his party is this. But if that's the case, I can't believe I had that kind of resistance.

"I'm gonna go. I need the sober version of you." Pilit kong inalis ang magkabilang kamay niya. Ngunit siya mismo ang gumalaw nito at pinadaan sa ilong at bibig ko. He really wants to drag me back into his hellhole.

"Do you smell it, Ralph? It's time to rebel," he sneered.

Malakas kong tinadyakan ang tiyan niya na siyang sinuklian niya ng tawa.

Mabilis ko siyang tinalikuran. "Fucking psychopath."

"I'll see you Saturday," rinig kong sigaw niya bago ako makapasok ng elevator.

Only one person can answer the mystery that troubles my head. None other than Quisumbing herself. I abide my time playing pool games, gambling the money that I took on the floor of Adrian's penthouse. I am enrolled for this semester, but I don't bother attending most of it. The only subjects that I show myself into are those with Quisumbing. Wala namang akong mapapala sa iba. It will only make my mother feel that she's winning, and I am finally impeccable.

It's already the last subject. Labas-pasok lang sa tainga ko ang pinapahayag ng professor namin sa harap. Pinagmamasdan ko lang si Quisumbing na nakaupo sa pinakaunahan. Hindi na ako nakapili ng pwesto malapit sa kanya dahil naunahan na ako ng mga early birds na estudyante. Kailangan ko lang siya makausap bago pa siya magmadaling lumabas. Alam kong nakita niya ako kanina. Sinigurado kong makukuha ko ang atensyon nilang lahat sa pagitan ng late na pagpasok sa klase at pagdaan sa harap. Kaya hindi uubra sa'kin ang magiging palusot ni Quisumbing, dahil umaasa na akong may hinanda na siya.

"Don't forget to brainstorm your topic with your partners. You need to submit it next week." Paalam ng professor sa harap bago siya unahan ng mga estudyanteng lumabas.

I stand up as quickly as I can. Hindi ko inalis ang tingin sa target ko. If she thinks she can escape me by walking in her normal pace then, she proves that she does not know me well.

"Quisumbing!" Naabutan ko siya sa hallway. Unang humarap ang kaibigan niyang pinagkait ng kasiyahan.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" Umikot ako sa kanila upang makaharap siya.

She quickly shifts her eyes. Whenever I try to look at them directly, it avoids me, like I have an eye disease or something. Why is she acting weird? Is it because of her friend who might kill me with the sharpness of her eyes? Did something happen yesterday? Or is it because the lie that Adrian told yesterday?

I admit that Adrian and I have a hobby of rating girls from one to ten. But as much as I'm concerned, I've never done that to Quisumbing. Because before, she's not the type of woman whom I like to rate.

Sumagot siya, "Uhm... May next class pa ako." It's as if she's whispering. Halos hindi ko marinig sa ingay ng mga estudyante sa hallway.

Naghanap ako ng maaari kong gamitin para mapapayag siya. "About our topic."

"B-bukas na lang o next week. B-basta, update kita." Nagmadali siyang makawala sa paningin ko. Dumaan ito sa gilid ko at naramdaman ko pang bumangga sa akin ang brown bag niya.

Pinigilan ko siya. Ayos pa kami kagabi, before I became inebriate. "What's wrong?" I softly caress her wrist.

Mabilis niyang tinanggal 'yon. Kahit nakayuko siya kita kong puno ng pandidiri ang mukha niya. This is not good. Kailangan kong maalala ang nangyari kagabi.

"Shit. Erica!" Ngunit hindi niya ako pinansin. Kumaripas siya ng lakad paliko sa hallway kasama ang kaibigan niya.

"Let's talk about what happened last night." Sinubukan ko pang sumigaw, baka sakaling narinig niya. But I guess I just need to try later at Samael's.