BEFORE I MET Steven, I had a dull life. I never knew the existence of color that time until some guy painted my life. I loved the art but never its hue. All I can think is the bliss from different pigments that coated my body, without anticipating the scars it would leave.

It's hard to admit at first that I am in need of help after some guy dumped me, he left his canvas unfinished. I felt like a worthless artistic matter who ceases to exist once the artist tastes the disappointment.

I hated it— being vulnerable, having such little power in your hand because some guy took your lifetime supply. He was like a mosquito; except he is more than that. I was drained. The road to happiness never found me unless I'd take medications.

I think it was about a year of vicious cycle. My parents never got used to it, neither did I. The temptation of wanting to kill myself never left my body. Every day, I will wake up just to think of another way to extinguish myself. But I never had a courage to do it. I guess, I was never the brave one.

Whenever I see Erica, it mirrors my past self. It's like those scenes in the films where I travelled back in time to save my past self, only this time I am not her, and she's not my past. It is the reason why I want Ralph to stay away from her, because Ralph is that kind of some guy I fell in love with. Men like him will never be satisfied. They are being eaten by gluttony.

I let out a yielding sigh before I pass my paper in front. I know I'm more than prepared for this quiz but I still have unfilled answers. Totoo nga ang chismis na mahirap magpa-exam si Ms. Lo.

As soon as I step my foot inside the hallways, I met Ralph's eyes. Binaba ko ang pride upang lapitan siya. I want to know what happened earlier. The two of them made a commotion but it feels like it's his fault. And even though all of us inside the room know it's Ralph's fault, they still can't help but to accuse the girl.

"Bakit kayo pinalabas ni Erica? Kinopyahan mo ba siya?"

"What?" Hindi siya makapaniwala sa nabanggit ko. "No," he denied.

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "Then, why?"

I believe that it wouldn't have happened if he didn't proceed on entrancing her.

"Ginigising niya ako 'coz I'm not answering the exam. Akala ata nagkokopyahan kami."

I stared judgingly. Should I believe him? Kapani-paniwala naman ang explanation niya, given Erica's personality.

"Are you sure you're not ruining someone's life?" Sinabayan ko siyang maglakad pababa ng building.

I can't believe I'm walking with him again after that awkward moment on his brother's wedding. Kung hindi naman dahil kay Steven ay hindi ko ulit siya kakausapin. He should be thankful, mabait ang bestfriend niya.

"So, you're talking to me again?"

I'm not glad he noticed. Paniguradong balik na naman siya sa dating asta sa akin. He will make impulsive actions again that might ruin our friendship forever.

"Steven's request."

Nagkibit-balikat lang siya.

Hindi ko maiwasan mapatingin sa ilang estudyanteng nakasasalubong namin. Pansin ko, kada kasabay ko si Ralph ay maraming mga matang umaaligid. He's really infamous. And I'm not used to those stares. Kaya minsa'y ayoko rin siyang kasama.

"'Tsaka, Steven asked me to tell you na bibisitahin namin ang Lola mo mamaya, if you want to join us."

Steven told me all of the familial affairs and dramas of Ralph. Pinilit ko siya dahil hindi ako patutulugin ng kuryosidad ko hangga't hindi nasasagot lahat ng katanungan ko. I swore to him that it won't leave my mouth.

"Did he also mention that I'm not allowed to roam around the hospital's vicinity?"

"How can your family be so cruel? Samantalang ang daming nagmamahal sa Lolo when he was still a Senator."

"That's just his façade. You will be surprised of how power dominates him."

Tinignan ko siya. Hindi niya alam na nagpapanggap lang din akong inosente tungkol sa mga pangyayari. Gusto ko rin kasi sa kanya manggaling ang lahat. I want to hear his side too. I want him to clear himself.

"I can't imagine how did Steven entangle himself to your life."

I asked Steven so many times regarding their history. Sinabi niya lang na simula bata ay magkakilala na sila. Their family are friends in the history books. Naging parte rin kasi ng politika ang mga dating henerasyon ng pamilya ni Steven.

"Parehas kaming no choice." Pabiro niyang sagot sa rhetorical question ko.

"So, you won't really join us later?" I asked again. Siguro naman ay hindi na malalaman ng Tatay niya na bibisita siya. 'Tsaka hindi naman kami magtatagal. Actually, kaya lang naman kami bibisita para kay Ralph, to let him see his grandmother.

"It will help you ease your mind," I added when he did not answer.

"I'd just grab a drink."

I watched him walk away.

"He's really stubborn," I whispered to myself.

If I'm speaking honestly, I never wanted to get close with Ralph. From the start, he is already an infamous troubled student. Almost all of student committee members know him for being delinquent. Siya ang laman ng Office of Student's Affairs, kasama ang isa pa nilang kaibigan na si Adrian.

I was just an innocent first year student, then. Actually, I had no plan to meddle with their affairs. Kaso nakilala ko si Steven. We met in a dating application; my friends pushed me to try it. Naloko niya pa nga ako because he said that he's still a freshman like me. However, my friend knew him because he was one of their seniors in the student committee.

I said to myself that I won't pursue him. Una sa lahat, niloko nya ako, nagsinungaling siya sa'kin. Secondly, wala pa naman talaga akong balak makipagrelasyon that time. I just downloaded the app out of curiosity. But he can be really persuasive.

Lagi niyang nilalapitan ang kaibigan ko para lang mapalapit din siya sa'kin. He started to hang out with us. I liked his personality; palakaibigan siya at palabiro. He will make sure that you will not be left out in the conversation. It was just natural for him to smile to everyone. That's why I had a hard time figuring out if all his gestures were uniquely for me or it's his common expression to everyone. Afterall, his group of friends were famous for being a pain in the neck for the committee.

Until one day, Steven made a serious confession. He felt sorry for lying in the dating app, and if I'd permit him, he will officially court me. Nagpursigi siyang manligaw kahit pa sinabi kong hindi ako puwedeng pumasok sa relasyon hangga't hindi ako nakaka-graduate. Kaso kinain ko lang ang sarili kong salita dahil makalipas ang limang buwan ay sinagot ko na rin siya. Talagang pinatunayan niyang magseseryoso na siya sa buhay. Hindi siya gagaya sa mga bulakbol niyang kaibigan na puro cutting classes ang ginagawa. Hanggang ngayon naman ay hindi niya binigo ang pangako.

Although, nakikisalamuha pa rin siya kay Ralph, I did not mind it. He pleaded that he's his best friend. Hindi ako makapaniwalang may mga lalaki pala talagang may best friend, akala ko imbento lang naming mga babae 'yon.

Napilitan akong makisalamuha kay Ralph noon. It's just the basic courtesy of smiling and nodding, I had no problem with that. Hanggang sa may mga araw na kailangan talaga niya ng makakasama kaya't palagi na siyang sumusunod sa amin ni Steven. During those times, I felt something's bothering him. I could see through his eyes that he's hiding major problems.

One morning, some news broke out that he was using illegal drugs. Everyone believed that he was trashed out to States, that's the logical explanation his family can give to the school and media. They need to conceal it. The truth is he was forced to enter rehabilitation to get better. For the first time, I was proud of him, even if at first glance it's not his own decision.

Kaso ngayon, mistulang magsisisi na ako. Mukhang hindi pa rin siya totally nagbabago. I even wonder, sapat ba ang isang taon na 'yon for him to change?

♣♦♥♠

It's five in the afternoon. Nakakubwit lang ang kamay ko sa braso ni Steven. Maaga siyang lumabas sa trabaho para makabisita pa kaming ospital. Bumukas ang pinto ng elevator na sinasakyan namin at parehas kaming nagulat nang makita si Ralph sa hallway.

Nakaupo lang siya at nakayuko. Mukhang kanina pa siya maghihintay. I thought hindi siya sasama. What changed his mind?

"You're here," hindi makapaniwalang saad ni Steven. Kitang-kita ang tuwa sa mga ngisi niya.

Iniangat ni Ralph ang ulo. The usual poker face greeted us. He then turned on his side, that's when we caught two bodyguards hovering in front of a certain room.

"Nakita mo na siya?" pagtatanong ni Steven. Parehas lang kaming nakayuko kay Ralph.

"Nope. Kilala pala ako ng mga gunggong," pagtukoy niya sa dalawang lalaking nakaputing t-shirt. Bakat ang laki ng braso nito sa damit. Hindi lang sila basta-basta na gwardiya, sa tingin ko nga ay isa sila sa mga escort ng Daddy ni Ralph.

"So, hindi ka talaga nila papapasukin?" Tinaas ko ang kilay. What absurdity is that?

"That's what you get when you've been disowned by your own family." Humarap kay Steven. "Kaya tip ko sayo, pare, magpakabait ka." There was a hint of bitterness in his tone. I don't blame him. Even I would be upset if my family will repudiate me because of a mistake I did in the past. Although, for Ralph's case, it is pretty scandalous.

"What will you do, then?" I asked.

"What I usually do, project my anger unto someone." He satirically answered.

He will look for a fight again. It's as if he never want the wounds on his face to heal.

"Tara, bro. Akong bahala sayo." Sinusubukan ni Steven pagaanin ang loob ng best friend niya. Hindi maiwasan ng puso ko na uminit, napakabait niya talagang kaibigan. Isa sa mga rason kung bakit nahulog ako sa kanya.

Sa kamalasan ko sa lalaki noon, talagang binawian ako ng tadhana kay Steven. Mabuti na lang at naghintay siya, kung hindi ay malungkot pa rin ako ngayon.

"Anong gagawin mo? Bubugbogin 'yang dalawang dambuhala?" Sarkastiko itong tumawa.

Napakahaba talaga ng pasensya ni Steven. Dahil kung ako ang best friend ni Ralph, paniguradong matagal ko na siyang pinabayaan. Kahit anong pag-iintindi ko sa kanya ay mas lalo lang bubuhol ang sitwasyon.

"Kung ganyan ang attitude mo talagang hindi ka papapasukin. Halika!" Tinulak ni Steven ang kaibigan papalapit.

Umiling na lang ako at sinundan silang dalawa.

Seconds before we talk to the guards, the door swung open. Two familiar faces welcomed the three of us. The man is taller than both of my company today, his built is much as same as Ralph. However, his aura is fierier than Ralph can be, that's why I didn't expect him to bestow his presumptuous smile at us. The intensity arose when he turned to his younger brother, Ralph.

"You really have the guts, ha?" It seems that he is insinuating everything that has happened was Ralph's fault.

Madali akong umilag sa matatalim na tingin nila. Doon ko napansin ang babaeng kasama ng Kuya ni Ralph. It's Sophia, Ralph's ex-girlfriend, and his older brother's current wife.

"Kuya Chad, Sofie, welcome back." Steven showed his manners.

Ayon sa kanya, kababalik lang nila galing honeymoon. Kung paano nalaman ni Steven? Well, ito kasi ang bukambibig ng mga magulang niya tuwing aayain kaming sumabay sa dinner. Parang pinapahiwatig na dapat sumunod na kami sa yapak nila.

"How was your trip to Europe?" My boyfriend continued.

"The air was fresh," he subtly answers before changing the subject. "Would you like to come inside? Except, of course, for him." Tinuro ng mga mata niya si Ralph na nakasandal lang ngayon sa pader ng hallway, just a meter away from us. He is unconventionally staring at the lady beside his brother.

Matagal nang may hidwain sa kanilang dalawa. Ayon kay Steven, bata pa lang sila ay halata na sa kinikilos ni Chad na hindi nito gusto ang nakababatang kapatid. Mas lalo lang lumaki ngayon nang nakawin ni Chad kay Ralph ang dating girlfriend. After that, Ralph's misery started.

Nilingon ko muna si Ralph bago pumasok sa loob. Gusto ko sana siyang ayain ngunit pinigilan ako ni Steven. Alam niyang magkakaro'n ng gulo kapag nagsama sa iisang kwarto ang dalawa. Isa pa, mukhang masama na rin ang timpla ni Ralph. Halatang wala na siyang gana. Mas nangibabaw na naman ang init ng dugo niya.

He peeked in the small opening of the door before I lose my sight of him.