Chapter Twenty Six: Mother Dearest
Sophia Crawford

As I was listening to my mother's ramble on how my grandmother's heart attack was my fault and that I just cause death wherever I go, I couldn't help but think back on River's words from the party, when I wanted to jump in front of the oncoming car and when he saved my life when he could have left me to die.

"Whatever it is that has you jumping in front of oncoming cars and wanting to die... you can fight it." He says. "You just have to fight it... for the people who love you. If you don't want to live for yourself, live for them, at least."

River's words were true. If I didn't live for Daniel, who will?

His parents were trying to forget that they lost their son and Daniel's friends barely messaged me to send their condolences after his death. It was like Daniel never existed if it weren't for me that kept remembering him and living for him.

No one was currently living for Daniel but me.

And the only memories I have of him are the ones saved in my phone, and the photographs on my walls, and don't forget about the memories placed at the back of my head in a folder where I can never forget them, even if I tried.

Not that I wanted to forget them... they were the sweetest memories, and even though it pains me to think back on them sometimes, it still brought me peace.

I don't know for how long I have been seated in the waiting room of the hospital with the bitter antiseptic of the hand sanitizer burning the back of my throat, just waiting for a doctor or even a damn nurse to come by to tell me if the operation for the heart attack was successful or not, or if my grandmother was still alive or not, but no one ever came to tell me about how she was doing.

I have a very good feeling that my dear mother had something to do with that.

She probably said something like this to the doctor in charge of my grandmother: "If my mother in law's condition worsens, please let me know personally. I don't want to place unnecessary stress on my daughter who has already lost so much in the last couple of months." And she'd fake a sniffle just to make her sadness more believable, and she'd wipe her eyelid with a napkin she had stashed inside of that fancy purse she always carries around her arm.

It has been a couple of hours since my grandmother have been admitted, and I still didn't hear a thing about her condition. If she passed away, my mother would blame me for her death too.

Hell, she already blamed me for my grandmother and it wasn't even my fault.

River was right earlier when he said that I couldn't have known it would happen and blaming myself for something as unpreventable like a heart attack was just stupid, and I realised that now, but it didn't help my case that I had a mother who managed to blame even something as unpreventable like a heart attack on me, and she would have managed to make me believe that my grandmother's heart attack was my fault if River wasn't here to tell me different.

I sit back against the waiting chair with a sigh, resting the back of my head against the pristine white walls of the hospital.

I didn't want to stay here much longer, not with my parents roaming around, especially my mother, but I don't want to leave my grandmother alone with either of if she woke up.

I need to be there for her, like River said.

So I swallowed the hatred for my mother and stayed for my grandmother's sake.

My left hand lifts to where my ring usually was, around my neck, but my hand drops back to my side when I realised that my ring was still missing. The only thing I felt was River's leather jacket he draped over my shoulders at his house.

I bring the sleeve of the jacket to my nose, smelling River's cologne on it.

I close my eyes and wondered how the hell the two of us ended up in this situation. Just last week he couldn't bear to look at me, but at dinner at his aunt's house, he cracked a smile my way when I looked at the snow falling from the sky and he draped his jacket over my shoulders and told me that I'd get sick standing in the cold with nothing but a dress and shoes on.

And at the party, after he saved my life, he shared something so raw with me that just thinking about it made my heart ache for him all over again.

I still don't know what happened to him, but I just know that it's nothing good.

The cigarette burns on his skin told me that it definitely was not anything good.

River was made into this boy who's angry at the world. He was made into this boy who uses his fists to beat his opponents to a pulp just because he wants to lessen his own pain from whatever happened to him in the past.

River's broken, just like me, just in a different kind of way.

We are more alike than I thought.

The only thing that makes us different from each other is that we have different backstories. We share the same guilt, me being the cause of Daniel's death and River, well... I don't know why he feels guilty yet, but I have a good feeling that the truth is going to come out sooner than later, if he wants it to or not.

I open my eyes again, placing both my hands on my lap.

I smile weakly when I remembered how River gently draped his jacket over my shoulders like he was somehow afraid to touch me. I also remember the faint smile River had on his lips when he looked at the children playing happily in the snow, making snow angels and building snowmen.

It's like River longed to be one of those kids... to be happy and free like them.

I wanted to be one of those kids too.

I wanted to be free of guilt. I wanted to be free of the pain I constantly carried. But I know that I can never go back to how everything was before, because the only person who ever mattered to me was gone... dead... and the other person I loved was fighting for her life, and I don't even know how she was doing.

I don't think I can ever move on from the guilt I am constantly feeling and I don't think I can ever move on with my life knowing that Daniel died because of me, because I looked away from the road to kiss him, and I can't live on knowing that my grandmother might die because I was too stubborn to drive.

Because I have a fear of driving after the accident, and it just shows you what kind of person I am-that I wouldn't even attempt to try to get over my fear of driving to help someone I loved and who needed my help.

I was a bad person... just like my mother said I was.

• • •

The hospital's cafeteria was surprisingly empty when I entered it.

There were only a few people who were sitting by the tables, eating their breakfast and drinking their coffee, but other than that, it was mostly empty.

The customer's chatter and the cutlery clanking against plates was the only sound in the entire cafeteria if you drowned out the sound of coffee being brewed and the eggs being scrambled in the kitchen.

I walk towards the counter and order a takeaway coffee when I heard someone calling my name from behind me.

I turn around, seeing Ana walking toward me with a get well soon teddy bear in her one hand and a cup of takeaway coffee in the other.

She smiles sadly at me and pulls me in for a tight hug. "Hey." She smiles when she pulls away from me. "I'm so sorry about your grandmother. I came here as soon as I heard the terrible news."

"It's okay." I return the smile. "She's going to be fine. The doctor filled me in about her condition. She's going to be fine."

Like River said. She's going to be just fine.

"I'm so relieved to hear that." Ana releases a relieved sigh. "I was so worried. I was about to clean our guestroom so you can stay over for a while until she recovered."

I smile thankfully at her. "There's no need for that, Ana. I will be just fine." I assure her. "Uh... how did you know, though? I never got the chance to let anyone know about my grandmother, so how did you find out?"

"Cole said that he asked for my number, and five minutes later, he called me, and he asked me to come to the hospital."

I look at her confusedly.

"I know... I was just as surprised when I got a call from him." Ana says, taking a sip of her takeaway coffee. "But I am glad he did. He didn't want you to be alone here so I came as fast as I could. I hope that it was okay for me to come?"

"Of course it is okay!" I almost yell. "I'm glad you're here, Ana."

I grab the coffee I ordered from the barista and follow Ana out into the cold. It was cold outside, but I longed for some fresh air. Just being in the same space as my parents made me feel suffocated and I couldn't be more grateful that I was outside-away from them.

"Your grandmother is going to be fine, right?" Ana asks once we were seated on a bench outside the hospital, drinking our takeaways together and using the thin cups to warm our hands.

I nod, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. "Yes. Why?"

"Then why does it look like you are carrying half the world's problems on your shoulders? I thought you'd be relieved that she was going to be okay."

"I am-"

"I know this might come off as being forward, but I am a great listener, Sophia. You can tell me if something's bothering you, girl. Did River say something to upset you? Should I punch him in the throat the next time I see him?"

I chuckle, shaking my head at her. "It wasn't River." I tell her. "He doesn't have anything to do with me feeling a little bit down today."

"Then tell me why you are feeling down." She says.

She wasn't trying to be nosy; she just wanted to help me.

I sigh, tracing patterns in the snow with my shoe.

How do I tell her that I caused the accident that killed my boyfriend? How do I tell her? I'm afraid she'll judge me and I don't think I would be able to handle losing such a great friend like Ana, not when she's been nothing but supportive this entire time, but I can't hide the truth either for much longer, so I might as well just tell my best friend what happened.

Hopefully it'll answer some of her questions to why I don't want to date anymore, and why I always look so sad when I am around her and Cole.

"Do you want the short story or the long one?" I ask.

"The long one, obviously. I came here to support you, Soph."

"Please don't judge me after I tell you." I beg, focusing on the snowflakes falling from the sky. "I don't think I would be able to handle it if someone judges me. I am already blaming myself for what happened."

"I won't judge you, and that's a promise." She says, linking her pinkie finger through mine. "I want to help you get rid of that weight you've been carrying on your shoulders. Also, I'm your friend. I just want you to be happy."

I see her fiddling with the teddy bear's fur and I heave a loud sigh.

"I, uh, lost my boyfriend about a few months ago in a terrible accident." I swallow hard, avoiding her gaze. "We were planning on running away together to start fresh somewhere." I chuckle. "We were so young. We didn't even care or think about anything else. We just did it. We got in a car and drove away..."

Ana nods the entire time and I just kept on explaining.

"He asked me to marry him, in the car. He took out a black box and gave me the ring. I remember kissing him because I was so happy and then everything after happened so damn quickly... It was night and raining, the road was completely covered in water...The car swerved and collided with another car head-on. I woke up in a hospital and a nurse telling me that Daniel died in the ambulance."

I wipe the tears running down my cheeks and swallow hard again.

"The entire side of my face was bandaged, and my leg... But the pain was nothing compared to what I felt when the nurse told me that Daniel died in that accident." I inhale deeply, liking how the cold of the fresh air outside filled my lungs. It was better than the burn I felt inside my heart and chest. "I was the one who killed him, because I looked away from the road for one brief second-"

It didn't even surprise me to see that Ana was wiping a few tears away from her own, and the teddy bear's fur was completely pulled out on the one side from clawing at it while she was listening to me explaining what happened to Daniel.

"Wow." She mutters, sniffling. "I don't even know what to say right now..."

"I know what you want to say... I shouldn't have looked away from the road. He could've still been here if I didn't look away from the road to kiss him."

Ana shakes her head, placing the teddy bear beside her on the bench before she gets a chance to rip him to shreds with her long, pink-painted nails. "That is the complete opposite of what I wanted to say, actually."

"Oh?" I frown, looking at her confusedly.

I did not expect this reply from her.

"You know, Sophia... My mother used to tell me that some things are just supposed to happen. Some things are just inevitable. Daniel's death completely and totally sucks, and I'm still crying after the sad story you told me..." She says, wiping her nose with the back of her hand, "but you're still here, and you should be grateful that you are. Maybe this is some sort of second chance?"

"It doesn't feel as if this is a second chance, to be honest... I resent myself for what happened to him. I resent myself for putting his family through that pain and grief... I resent myself for wanting to run away with him while we were both so young and naïve. I will always resent myself for causing his death."

"Look at it this way..." She starts, taking my hand in hers. "If the roles were reversed and Daniel was here instead of you... And he would blame himself for what happened like you do right now, and he won't date anyone because he would always blame himself for the accident, and he would resent himself for killing you...Would you want him to be sad all the time? Would you want him to feel the way you feel right now?"

"No." I answer immediately. "I would want him to move on, and to be happy."

"Exactly." Ana says, squeezing my hand again. "Daniel doesn't want you to resent yourself for what happened. He wants you to be happy, and to move on."

"I can't, Ana." I shake my head. "I can't move on from his death. He's all I think about every single day. I miss him so damn much each and every day."

"I know." She says. "I know you miss him. Hell, I would too if it was Cole, but try to forgive yourself, Sophia. I'm sorry to say this, but to blame yourself every day isn't healthy. Try to make peace with everything, and that's how you can truly forgive yourself and move on from what happened."

I nod at her although the thought of moving on made me feel sick to the stomach.

I don't want to move on from Daniel.

He will always be the love of my life. He would always be my first love.

But she was right too.

I can't keep blaming myself.

He's gone and there's nothing I can do about it.

I can't bring him back although I would definitely do it if it was possible to bring him back. I'd give anything to see him one last time, to hear him laugh, to hear him talk about the most random things like the weather. I'd give anything to see him dip a cookie into his tea, or to see him catch a fish.

But he's gone. I won't hear him laugh or see him ever again.

"I know it's difficult making peace with letting him go, Sophia, but you deserve to be happy and the only way you'll ever be happy is if you forgive yourself."

"I will." I tell her. "Someday."

I wanted to forgive myself for what happened, but my mind was filled with questions I didn't really know the answer to.

What if he could've still been here if it wasn't for the accident? What if he was here instead of me? What if he blamed himself too if the roles were reversed? Would he forgive himself if I died in the car accident instead of him?

I sure as hell would want him to forgive himself if the roles were reversed.

But I know that I won't be able to forgive myself for it.