Chapter Thirty Two: The Truth Hurts
Sophia Crawford

I expel an audible, harsh breath; my fingers were touching my parted lips even after River has told me the entire story: about how Beck and his mother have been murdered by his father who has abused them all over the years, and how he’s sitting in prison right now, suffering the consequences of his nauseating actions and how he wants to see River now to make up for his heinous crimes.

I was unable to blink, not even when tears for River started to run down my cheeks. I was just looking at him and wondering how the hell he could have carried this big burden for so long without collapsing. There were times when I’ve caught him on the verge of breaking down, but he always picked himself up and continued on as if it never happened—no one even had a single clue.

My heart was bleeding for him.

And all the nasty and harsh things he has called me and has said to me in the past were all forgotten. I mean, how could I hate him when he did nothing but survive this entire time, walking the halls as if nothing has happened to him?

Being rude was a self-defence mechanism for him. That is how River coped.

“I started fighting at the barn about two years ago.” His voice was still cracked and his eyes were filled with unshed tears. “I had to release the anger, and the pain, and the grief, and I didn’t want to hit an innocent bystander, so I went someplace where people wanted to pick a fight, where people wanted to bleed.”

I was still holding his hand and rubbing circles across his palm to comfort him.

I couldn’t speak, so I just listened to him.

“And fighting has been my escape, until my father’s voice became too taunting and I almost killed my opponent in the ring by kicking him repeatedly while he was down.” River takes a shallow breath. “Myles actually had to pull me off him. If he didn’t, I think I would have killed the guy. It was never my intention for it to get that bad in the fighting ring. I’m not my father. I’m not a murderer.”

“You are not your father, River.”

River looks down, at the ground instead of at me. “I’ve said the shittiest things to you.” It’s then when I saw it, tears falling to the ground. “I used your past against you time and time again. I have called you names, made you feel shittier than you already did. Why are you still defending me?” He looks at me through tear-filled eyes. “You’re the last person who should comfort me right now.”

“You were in pain, River.”

“And so were you. I have added to that pain by being nasty toward you.”

“Forget about it, River. I already did.” I shake my head at him. “It’s in the past.”

He smiles. It was a small one, but it was still there. “Thank you, Sophia.” He wipes the tears that already rolled down his cheeks with the sleeve of his jacket.

“Are you okay?” I ask.

He’s silent for a few seconds before he finally shakes his head. “Not by a long shot,” he admits through a small smile, “and my father wanting to see me just adds to that pain.” River snorts, shaking his head. “He has a damn audacity to reach out to me after everything he has done. After everything he has taken from me.”

“I assume you’re not going to see him then?”

River doesn’t hesitate when he speaks. “No.”

I nod.

It was understandable really. I wouldn’t want to see the man who murdered my younger brother and mother either, but if what his father said was true and he wants to make amends for what he did to his family, River needs to see him in order to find some sort of peace. Maybe he can talk to his father, ask him what the hell went through his head when he killed half of his family just like that.

“He’s dying, River…”

When River told me that his dad has stage four cancer, the first thing that came to mind was ‘good riddance, he can die after everything he put River and his family through’ but now after I know everything, I’m not so sure anymore.

He has to talk to his father in order to find some peace, and in doing so, he has to face his demons head-on, before this entire situation eats River alive.

River shakes his head slowly. “I don’t care.” He shrugs half-heartedly. “He needs to die for what he did. In my opinion, stage four cancer is having it the easy way out. If it were up to me, he’d be dead already for what he did to us.”

His words were supposed to make me afraid, but I found myself nodding.

River looks at me again, and at out intertwined hands. His eyes were red-rimmed and the skin below his eyes was dampened with tears. His blue eyes were filled with every emotion there was: pain, anger, suffering, resent, but they carried mostly pain for everything his dad put him through. River chokes a little bit as the next words left his mouth. “I don’t want to see that man ever again, Sophia. He doesn’t deserve someone to sit with him while he suffers.” He says.

I give his hand another light squeeze to show him I was here for him. “Okay.” I nod. “You don’t have to see him. It’s your choice entirely, but don’t you want to look him in his eyes and make him regret for what he did to you and your family? To your brother and your mother? Make him see what he did to you?”

River shakes his head yet again. “I don’t want to see him. He knows what he did and I bet you he’s sitting in his cell right now thinking about better ways he could have killed my family, or how he can kill me when I go and see him so he would die knowing that he wiped out his entire family without any remorse.”

There was silence passing through us with only the sounds of the neighbour’s dog barking and kids laughing as they made their snow angels in the snow.

I didn’t mind the silence one bit.

I think the two of us needed to process what shifted between us today.

River trusted me enough to tell me what has happened to his family and that definitely was an immediate change in our relationship. Something changed, but River mostly needed to think about what he wanted to do. He needed to think about his father—if he wanted to go and see him in his final moments or if he wanted to leave him in his jail cell to die alone without ever making amends.

“Shit.” River mutters under his breath. He rakes his fingers through his hair frustratingly, pulling at a few roots while he was at it. “I don’t want to see him ever again, but you’re right, what if I can get some kind of closure from him?”

His words were muffled because his hand was resting over his face. He was thinking deeply about what he wanted to do and I didn’t blame him. This can either be a good thing to see him, or it can be a bad thing.

It can scrape open old wounds… or it can close them.

“If you decide to go, I’ll be there to support you.” I tell him. “And if you don’t go, I’ll still be here to support you.”

He turns his head and looks at me. His lips curl into a small smile. “Thank you, Sophia.”

I nod, returning the smile.

His smile then immediately falters. “I’m so sorry for what I said…” He shakes his head as if he was disappointed in himself. “I was angry. I was sad and I confused. But it didn’t give me the right to talk to you like that. To call you a murderer in your own home… I didn’t mean to say that. I am so sorry, Sophia.”

One thing I do know for certain is that River never apologized so sincerely like he did just now. He genuinely felt bad for being rude to me and the regret was written all across his face. The guilt was showing inside his light blue eyes.

“I know you didn’t mean it.” I tell him. “You were hurt, and I shouldn’t have brought it up in the first place. You don’t have to apologize.”

“I have to apologize.” He says. “It was a shitty thing to say to you especially since you’ve helped me so many times before. I’m not good at expressing my feelings that well because all I know is how to fight, but talking about the things that hurt me, like my past, it was difficult and I said things to try and forget about my own pain… I’m so sorry.”

I squeeze his hand. “It’s okay, River. It really is okay.”

And for the first time in forever, it was okay.

It was more than okay.

• • •

After River left yesterday, I sat on my bed thinking about every single thing he has told me. His father abused River for years until he got tired and moved on to River’s younger brother Beck and his own mother, but things got worse and worse and his dad just snapped.

He murdered his own son and wife.

It’s terrible going through that trauma of being abused, and then right after finding your family murdered inside the place you used to call home.

My heart ached for River.

It really did.

It felt as if there was a hand fisted around my heart and every time I was reminded of what River went through, alone might I add, the hand holding my heart fisted even tighter, slowly breaking it in the process.

It was absolutely terrible.

The entire situation—what happened to River and his family—it’s awful really.

“What’s got you staring into space like that? Is your grandmother okay? I got worried when you called me yesterday saying that you weren’t coming to school.” Ana says, completely pulling me out of my thoughts.

I shake my head, nibbling on my apple but I wasn’t really in the mood to eat the damn thing. I didn’t have an appetite anymore, not after seeing River sitting alone on his seat, doodling in his notebook without a care in the world. It was so strange to see him just sitting there, drawing in his notebook as if he wasn’t carrying the pain of being abused his entire childhood and losing his family too.

“Nothing. Everything is fine.” I tell her, heaving a loud sigh afterwards.

River acknowledged me when he saw me in the hallways today but he didn’t talk to me like he did with Mackenzie. To be honest, I didn’t really blame him. He needs to get used to the fact that his secret he kept to himself for so long was out in the open, and I gave him space for that.

“She’s doing it again.” I hear Ana say, snapping me out of my thoughts yet again for the second time today.

“You’re daydreaming an awfully lot today.” Cole says when I fix my gaze on my friends seated in front of me.

Cole smiles slyly at me before he jerks his head towards River behind me.

I was seated so that I can face both him and my friends beside me, so they probably noticed that I looked at River a couple of times since we sat down.

“Just because I’m looking in his direction doesn’t mean that he’s the one I’m thinking about, Cole.” I tell him, rolling my eyes at my friends.

River was the one I was thinking about but they didn’t have to know that.

“Hmm.” He hums, taking a sip of his water right after. “So the fact that the both of you weren’t at school yesterday is just a coincidence?” He had his eyebrows raised and Ana gasps like she just found something out that was supposed to be a secret.

“You’re right, Cole!” She chirps. “It’s strange that the two of them weren’t at school yesterday.”

I click my tongue at the both of them, feeling my cheeks heat up immediately.

I hated that they knew me so damn well that I couldn’t keep a secret even if I wanted to, but I still tried to sidestep that conversation. “There’s nothing going on between the two of us.” I tell them, looking at the both of them like I was serious although I couldn’t keep a straight face. “And it was just a coincidence that he wasn’t at school yesterday just like I wasn’t. But please don’t make assumptions about the two of us.”

I take a huge bite from my apple to cover up the fact that I was lying to them yet again, but they seemed to notice that I was getting annoyed with their assumptions so they decided to let it go.

“Are you taking anyone to the homecoming dance?” Ana asks me. “Maybe a certain blue eyed, blond haired bad boy you keep checking out?”

“I don’t think I want to go.” I tell her, putting my apple core onto the ground. “And even if I was going, which I’m not, by the way, I won’t let this certain blue eyed, blond haired bad boy be the one to take me.”

“Why?” Ana drawls, looking really upset that I wasn’t going to go to prom.

“Because I can’t do it to my grandmother…” I tell her. “We’re having some problems after the whole heart attack thing so the timing will be too difficult.”

• • •

I was on my way to the parking lot, barely stepped out of the school’s building when I felt someone tugging my arm.

I step outside the school building, seeing River behind me.

“You were awfully quiet today.” I tell him, rubbing my clothed arms when a cool breeze washed over the two of us. “Is everything alright?”

He nods, tucking his hands into his jean’s pockets. “Everything is good.” He smiles to reassure me that he was in fact fine. “I was just wondering about something…”

“About what?” I ask him, my interest clearly piqued.

“I was wondering whether or not you wanted to go to prom… I heard your conversation at lunch time and just wondered why you didn’t want to go.”

To say that I was surprised would be an understatement.

I was shocked.

Did River Jenkins really just ask me whether or not I was going to prom or not?

I couldn’t help but feel a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth. “Is this your way of asking me to prom, River Jenkins?”

He rolls his eyes at me, shaking his head. “I was just wondering why you said ‘And even if I was going, which I’m not, by the way, I won’t let this certain blue eyed, blond haired bad boy be the one to take me’ in such a disgusted tone.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.” I tell him, honestly. “It’s just… why would you want to go with me anyways? We have hated each other before yesterday… and besides, I had to say that before Ana gets suspicious.”

“Why would I want to go with you?” He asks, repeating my question from earlier. “I don’t know… I just thought we were past the hating stage and can finally move on as…I don’t know…friends, but if you don’t want to go with me, that’s fine too, I guess.”  He wasn’t one to express his feelings—that much I knew—so he hid it by walking past me. He always walked away when things didn’t exactly go his way.

When I caught up with his long strides, I turn my head to look at him as we walked. “I’m not going.”

I swear I saw his entire posture change. He was… devastated?

“I’m not going because I… I just can’t go. It’s still hard for me and I—”

It was hard. I was still mourning Daniel’s death after months and I just can’t go. Going to prom will be like moving on and I’m not ready to move on just yet.

“It’s fine.” He says. “I understand.”

“I’m sorry.”

He shrugs it off, flashing a smile my way. “It’s okay. I understand.”

And with that, he leaves me alone to walk by myself.

He left me alone with a million thoughts running through my head like how River-freaking-Jenkins just asked me to prom and I rejected him.

I kick the snow underneath my feet, sending it flying all over. “Shit.” I mutter under my breath, shaking my head at myself.

Why was everything suddenly so difficult? I was supposed to be healed already and on my way to move on like Ana said at the hospital, but I still rejected River because I felt like it would be too soon to move on. I am still stuck on the past. I am still stuck on the little hope of seeing Daniel again one day even when I know that it would be impossible because he’s dead, he died a few months ago, but how can I even move on from something like that, and the little hope I have left of seeing Daniel again someday? It’s not so easy people make it to be.

Moving on is not easy, at all. Moving on takes time.

I wish life came with an instruction manual to deal with these types of things— how to deal with the pain, the loss and the grief of losing someone you loved in the world.

If I need to heal, I’ll have to let go of the past first, and in order for that to happen, I need to get hurt all over again by saying goodbye to the person I loved most in the world. I need to say goodbye and that’s going to be difficult.

So damn difficult.

Moving on will be like losing a part of myself because Daniel was a big part of me and now I have to let that part of him go. The memories of him…

How can I do that?  

How can I let go of the memories if they’re the reason I’m still alive today?