Chapter Thirteen: Family Disappointment
River Jenkins

My aunt was pacing around the living room, thinking of something to say to me, but looking at how her hands were balled into fists and the glare she shot me with told me that whatever she wanted to say wasn't good at all.

"I will not tolerate that nonsense again, River." She says. "Not only were you rude to Sophia just because she asked you an innocent question, but you came here after a day of not being at home looking like you've come from a street fight, one you barely survived, might I add." She shakes her head at me.

I shrug half-heartedly.

It seemed to anger her only more. "I will not tolerate that again. You should apologize to her when you see her again." She releases a deep breath. "She simply just asked about Beck because she wanted to make conversation, not because she wanted to upset you, or pry like you said."

I scoff. "That's where you're wrong." I tell her, swiping my thumb over the corner of my lip. "She was trying to pry. She wants to figure me out."

"No, she's not."

"She's trying to figure out what happened to me and I won't let that happen."

My aunt looks just about done with me.

She throws her hand up into the air, shaking her head at me for the millionth time today. "I don't know what to say anymore..." She says, sitting back down on the couch. "You practically used her past against her because you were hurt and that is something you should never do. You don't know what happened to her and what you said to her truly upset her." My aunt sighs and tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Come on, River... You weren't raised this way. I don't recognise you anymore."

"What can I say?" I shrug, smirking. "I'm the family disappointment."

"River, that is not what-"

"It's nothing new to me." I continue. "I've been reminded of being a family disappointment my entire life. Trust me. I know I'm a disappointment," I pause, just for a few seconds, "and that my feelings don't matter anymore."

"That is not what I said." She says, looking at me with concern written across her face. "Do not twist my words around. I did not say that you are a disappointment or that your feelings don't matter. I just said that you should take other people's feelings into consideration, too. You're not the only one with a bad past, River. There are people out there who suffer too."

I lick my lips, shaking my head slowly.

"You might not have meant it in that way, but I know that you think I'm a disappointment. I can see it on your face every time I come home from a fight. You look at me wondering where everything went wrong. You look at me wondering why you had to be the one to take me in with my baggage, mood swings and everything else." I pause, taking in a deep breath. "You just feel too bad to say how disappointed you are in me directly to my face because of what happened, but trust me, I see it. I can see it very clearly. I recognise that look from anywhere."

When she doesn't reply, I nod slowly.

I make my way up the set of stairs to go to my room.

I was done with everyone thinking I am a disappointment because they can't tell me something I don't already know.

I know I am a disappointment.

I know I am a heartless asshole.

I know I am not liked by a lot of people because of it.

But I don't give a shit.

• • •

I woke up with a throbbing headache and the sun filtering through my curtains didn't help my case very much either. The sun blinded me. I had to squint the entire way to the curtain so I can fling them closed, but once I walked back to my bed, my alarm clock went off.

I shake my head and sit on my bed.

I swipe my hand across my face and sighed.

I was definitely not in the mood for today.

• • •

Sophia was the first person I saw when I entered the school building.

I was surprised that Mackenzie didn't grace me with her presence yet, usually she was glued to my side already, trailing her talons across every surface of bare skin she managed to find, trying to seduce me in the process.

Sophia's eyes were glued onto her phone, and as she was typing away, it was like she was in another world.

It didn't really help that my locker was right across from hers, just three lockers to the left, but when I glanced over my shoulder, she was still typing on her phone, she wasn't aware of her surroundings, or aware of me.

She didn't even notice me passing her, and when I stole another glance at her over my shoulder to look at her again when I got to my locker, I noticed a frown formed between her eyebrows, as if she just received a message from an unknown number and she was typing to ask who they were.

I open my locker, wanting to grab the necessary books for today's classes when a letter drops to the ground in front of me. I ignore the letter lying on the ground, assuming that Sophia was the one to have written it, and take my books out from my locker before propping them into my school bag.

I glance down at the letter lying on the ground and stomp onto it with the heel of my boot, making sure it gets dirty and rumpled.

I shut my locker loudly, knowing it was a mistake because she would look up and notice that I just trampled on the note she has written for me-assuming that it was her letter and not Mackenzie sending love letters.

I close my eyes tightly, hoping that Sophia would ignore my presence after everything that has happened yesterday at dinner. If she was smart, she would, but when I turned around, I lock eyes with her.

Her eyes were filled with regret almost immediately, and as I was staring at her, I didn't know if that regret was directed toward me, or the phone she still had clutched between her hands.

When she saw that my eyes were filled with anger, she bit her lower lip nervously and placed her phone into the pocket of her blue denim jacket.

I look away, position my bag's strap on my shoulder, and walk to my first class of today which I also happen to have with her, but luckily I didn't sit next to her. Ana had the honour of being Sophia's desk buddy. I wasn't so lucky in Biology, though, but I'll do what I always do: ignore her flatly.

"River..." Sophia's voice comes up from behind me. "I want to apologize."

"You do that a lot these days." I tell her over my shoulder.

I start to walk faster but she grabs my wrist, stopping me in my tracks. I tense up almost immediately when a flood of memories race through my mind. "Let go, Sophia." I look at her hand still wrapped around my wrist.

"It's the only way I can talk to you, River."

I pull my wrist back violently when she made no move to let it go first.

Her shoulders slump in disappointment. "If I don't grab your attention like this, you ignore me, and I just want to apologize... again." She then looks at me with green eyes. "I am really sorry, River." She stares down at her boots. "I really didn't mean to upset you. I was just trying to make conversation. I didn't think that it was a sensitive topic. If I did, I never would have asked."

"That's right, you didn't think." I swipe my hand across my face. "But that's not the point. You asked specifically when I told you not to ask. My life and what I do with it and my family have absolutely nothing to do with you. It's my business, and when I told you to keep your nose out of it, you still went and asked anyways."

She wasn't going to get away with another apology that easily. Yes, I might have been drunk yesterday, but I actually thought that her apology was sincere, that she would stop asking questions about my past and my family.

But I was wrong.

She asked about my personal life. She asked about my past.

She asked about Beck.

She asked when I specifically told her not to.

"River, please..." Her voice was pleading.

"I won't be doing the assignment with you anymore." I tell her. "So you can do it yourself and get all the credit. That is what you wanted after all."

"This is not about the assignment."

"I don't care anymore. I don't care about your apologies. I don't care about anything right now, for that matter. I just want to get through the day without you nipping at my heels every five seconds trying to apologise when I know that you will just stick your nose in my business again. So, keep the apologies to yourself and just stay out of my way. Okay, Sophia?"

I turn on my heel and walk away from her and to the first class of today.

"Ah, River...You're early." Mr Yuri says when I walk into his classroom. I didn't miss the way he had both his eyebrows raised quite high, like it shocked him that I was early to his class for the first time in, well, forever.

The bell didn't ring yet, but I wanted to avoid Sophia and her pleading tone, so I came to class as fast as I could knowing that she won't bother me here.

If she did, I would just shut her out, like I do with everybody here.

I was so annoyed at everything, including Sophia, that the words left my mouth faster than I could prevent it. "Don't get used to it."

I make my way to my desk at the back of the classroom. I throw my bag to the floor and take out my books and notebook, waiting for the bell to ring. It was bound to ring soon, and Sophia would be seated even before it does.

3...2...1

And there she was.

She comes walking into the classroom beside Ana and sits down at her desk. She tries so hard not to look in my direction, but when she bends down to grab the necessary books for Math out of her backpack, I see her green eyes quickly glancing at me out of the corner of her eye before she turns in her seat with the necessary books and a pen in her hand.

I take out my notebook and open it to a new blank page, but my mind was blank. The pen's tip was against the blank page, but it didn't move an inch. There wasn't anything specific I wanted to draw and I found it strange, usually the page would be filled with random doodles by now, but I didn't have the energy to move the pen to actually draw something... anything.

So I started to turn the pages backward, to the last diary entry ever written, to the last diary entry Beck ever wrote.

It was a poem and there was a diary entry underneath the short poem.

Little did I know that it was literally the end...and that it wasn't just the end of his entry-it was the end of everything good we had left in our lives, the little we did have.

I didn't want to; but I started to read the words written on the page in his neat handwriting and trace my finger over the inked words on the page:

"Light blue oceanic eyes are filled with unshed tears, trying to keep me in the dark of what was happening around me.

Pink, rosy cheeks are covered in purple bruises underneath all that make-up.

Small arms are covered with fingerprints, hiding underneath a sweater in the middle of summer.

And a smile is hiding underneath a muffled sob."

SEPTEMBER FIRST, 16:33

He did it again today.

I can hear my mother's sobs through the thin walls of our two-storeyed house. I can hear her trying to fight him off, but he was stronger. He was stronger than me when he was drunk. I tried to stop him today when River was gone, off to wherever he went to when he was away from the house, but my dad was drunk again-he was much stronger, angrier... I couldn't be the hero she needed. I couldn't be her replacement for his punching bag, because the more I pleaded, the more he laughed.

I begged him to stop hitting her, so my father moved on to me next.

It was River first, and now it's my turn.

River has endured it for too long; and now it was my turn to take the punch.

I would do it over and over again if it meant that both my brother and mother are safe from his wrath.

I endure it so that they won't have to.

THE END

That is exactly what I did. I endured it so that they didn't have to, but it didn't exactly work. He moved on to them next and it was all my fault.

All my fault.

I wanted to tear the page out of the book. I wanted to burn it.

I wanted nothing more than to run my pen over the words over and over again until there was nothing but scribbles left, but nothing could ever erase the poem and the entry from my head anyways even if I tried. I didn't have to read it to remember, because it was all in my head; I could never forget, and trying to tear it from the notebook won't help me forget it, either.

It was always in my head, replaying itself over and over and over again.

• • •

I throw my notebook back into my school bag, relieved that the bell saved me from staying in the classroom for much longer. I leave the classroom in a hurry, not wanting Sophia to catch me again like she did this morning, and make my way to the bathroom.

Reading Beck's entry just made me realise that nothing I do will bring them back and that it was just a reminder of what I lost, because I wasn't there to prevent it. If I was there, I wouldn't have lost him... them. They would still have been here if I was there to prevent them from being taken from me, but one could never know when tragedy will strike them-it's inevitable.

I walk over to the sink, opening the cold water's faucet to splash some water across my face.

The door opens.

Droplets get caught in my eyelashes and I blink them away to see who has entered the bathroom, but I wish I didn't.

She just doesn't give up.

Just when I thought I sidestepped her in Math, there she was, sneaking into the boys' bathroom.

Sophia.

I wipe my face with my hands, turning around to look at her. "You're not supposed to be in here." I tell her, not even hiding the agitation in my tone.

She stands her ground. "I'm not leaving until you accept my apology. I really didn't mean to ask about Be-" She pauses abruptly. "Him." She inhales sharply through her nose. "I didn't mean to upset you. It was an innocent question, and I didn't think it would open old wounds. I'm sorry."

A toilet in the very last bathroom stall flashes and Sophia's cheeks turn red immediately when guy walks out of the stall. He washes his hands and frowns when he notices Sophia standing near the door. He looks at me and at her again and instead of pushing it, he leaves the bathroom, passing Sophia in the process; her cheeks were still painted red with embarrassment.

"And I told you that you can keep your apologies to yourself."

"River... Please..." She begs. "I'm really sorry for upsetting you."

"You didn't just upset me." I tell her. "You also stuck your nose in my business even after I told you to stay the hell out of it, Sophia."

A sigh escapes her lips. "What can I do for you to forgive me?" She asks.

"You can leave me the hell alone." I tell her. "That's what you can do."

• • •

Sophia Crawford

Mr Ryan lifts his eyebrow questioningly when I rushed into his classroom.

I was out of breath from running so far and so fast to get here, but my attempts into trying to get here before everyone else failed-everyone was already seated and their eyes were now on me.

"You're late Miss Crawford." He says; his tone more confused than angry.

I was always early to his classroom, even earlier than all the students combined, so I think he was a little confused to why I was late today.

And if he wanted to know why I was late, he never asked.

He only jerked his chin toward my seat.

I didn't expect River to be here after the talk we had in the bathroom, if you can even call it a talk, but seeing his empty seat made me feel guilty, again.

I should have kept quiet when the atmosphere shifted from jolly to tense.

I shouldn't have asked about Beck.

• • •

"River hasn't shown up to Biology." I tell Ana. "I also haven't seen him since this morning after Math."

Ana pauses mid-chew to eye me suspiciously.

"What?" I shrug. "I'm just saying... I think he left school again."

"Hmm." She hums, chewing her apple and swallowing it down. "We'll go with that one. Just admit it that you're concerned about his whereabouts."

I was concerned about him.

If he goes to the barn again because of me, and gets battered again because of me, and lets his aunt worry again, I would feel so guilty all over again.

I don't want him to disappear again like he did yesterday, because one day he's going to disappear and he won't come back, and it would be my fault.

I wanted to tell Ana about me bringing up his brother and how River completely just freaked out when I asked about him, but I didn't because she did warn me not to ask about his past.

I also have a feeling talking about Beck was a very sensitive topic to bring up during lunch time and sharing it with someone who didn't really know River would just make things worse between us-more than it already was.

So I scoff instead, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear. "I am not concerned." I defend. "He has left me alone in Biology, again. I'm starting to think that I'll have to do this assignment myself after all."

She looks at me like she doesn't believe me. "If you aren't concerned about him, why do you do that thing with your lip then?" She asks.

I frown. "What thing with my lip?"

"Really, Sophia? You've bitten it like ten times in fifteen minutes, and not to mention that you keep glancing at the bench where he usually sits." She says, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. "I think you're concerned for him and there's nothing wrong with admitting that. I think it's cute."

I sigh. "It's not cute... We had a little fight this morning."

Ana's brown eyes widen. "A fight? About what? And why am I only hearing about this now?"

"I asked about his brother."

"Sophia, I told you not to ask!" Ana says.

"I didn't mean to!" I defend. "It sort of came up when I had dinner with them."

"You had dinner with them?" Ana's eyes widen even more.

"That's not the point right now, Ana." I swallow hard. "I've upset him."

"And now you think he's going to do something reckless?" She asks.

"I just- He looks worse each and every day, Ana. It's concerning. I'm worried that he would come back with something broken the next time, if he comes back at all..." I whisper the last part; I doubt she heard the words.

She nods in understanding. "River doesn't really react very well when someone asks him what happened, but it will blow over. I promise."

"I am worried about him, Ana."

"It's cute that you're worried about him." She says. "No one ever does." She then grins to lighten the mood. "And you had dinner with him and you didn't tell me sooner? Do I sense a love story on the horizon?" She wiggles both her eyebrows wildly.

"No love at all." I tell her. "I am so over love and everything to do with it. And even though I am concerned about River, he won't be the one I would date in the mere future, or ever, for that matter."

After Daniel's death, it never crossed my mind to date again. Not that I wanted to. Daniel's death left a big hole in my heart-a hole no one can ever fill again, not as much as Daniel did, anyways.

Daniel has set my expectations so high of having a decent boyfriend that I don't even think that there's anyone in the entire world just like him.

Daniel was one of a kind.

He was sweet and caring. He was everything I wanted in a guy.

But now that he's gone, I don't want anyone to fill that hole.

My heart will always belong to Daniel Oakley and that will never change.

He was the first guy who has ever made me see the good things in life, and he was always there for me, more than anyone I have ever known in my entire life.

"Why?" Ana asks. "Love is everything. It makes you happy and it makes you feel loved and special. If you met 'the one', that is." She looks at Cole lovingly who has returned from the bathroom.

I sigh. "It's easy for you to say. You already met the love of your life."

And I lost mine...

"You'll find yours someday, Sophia." She says, leaning forward to give my hand a squeeze. "Just don't give up on the concept of love yet. It will hit you right when you least expect it and when it does hit you, you better savour it because meeting the love of your life only happens once. Hell, it might even be River. You never know."

Cole looks at me. "River? Is there something I need to know?" He asks.

"No!" I tell him before Ana had a chance to spill the beans. "Nothing."

Cole eyes me weirdly and he nods once. "Well, whatever the case is, never let Ana play matchmaker."

Ana gasps like he just insulted her.

He winks at her. "She thinks that she's good at bringing people together, and she is, don't get me wrong, but she has to learn to let people find love on their own, not to force it."

"Hey!" She exclaims, slapping his arm. "If I didn't play matchmaker, none of the couples would have been together." She says. "You see Trevor and Leanne over there? I played matchmaker for them and they're still together."

"You practically forced Trevor to talk to her!" Cole says.

Ana shrugs. "If I didn't, they wouldn't have been happy and in love."

I chuckle at them. "I'm not worried about Ana playing matchmaker with me. I'm not planning on dating anyone." I give her a stern look. "I am happy the way I am now. Single."