Chapter Four: Breathing Routine
Sophia Crawford

River's icy stare bore into me and his lips grew thin with anger as he stood there, close to the gym doors. He hasn't moved an inch since he locked eyes with me. Hell, I don't think he even breathed.

I didn't think it was possible to sink lower in my seat just to try and escape his piercing gaze, but I made it possible. I was practically lying in my chair beside the support group leader now and I received a few strange stares from the rest of the group too.

Luck was definitely not on my side today.

I had two classes with him. I sat close to him in lunch time (okay, fair enough, he didn't bother me at all, but being in his presence made me feel uncomfortable), and I have to attend support group knowing that the rude boy who called me 'scar face' this morning attends it too.

That makes it two classes and support group on Mondays.

What did I do to deserve this?

With the way I was feeling right now, I wanted to make a break for it.

I wanted to get up from the wooden chair, grab my bag from the floor beside my chair, and leave the gym so that I won't have to endure River's icy gaze for the entire support group session, but I stayed seated in my chair beside the support group leader instead. I have as much right to be here as he does-even though the thought of attending another session knowing that River would be here made my stomach tie into a million knots.

But then it occurred to me that River doesn't own this school and he doesn't get a say to what I can attend and what I cannot attend, so I'm staying right where I am. He can look at me with that icy stare all he wants.

I will not cower away from him nor will I be afraid of him, either.

"Ah, River," the support group leader smiles, "late as always. Please, come take a seat."

River didn't even attempt to return the smile. His lips were still flattened and his eyes were still filled with anger toward me for being here, and he actually had his bag's strap gripped in his tightly hand when made his way to an empty chair. All of that just for breathing the same air he did.

The faster we can end today's session, the better.

When River sits down across from me, I avoid his gaze by looking down at the floor. Or I tried to, at least. It was hard to avoid his gaze when he was literally sitting right across from me.

And it was kind of impossible not to feel his gaze on me when it was drilling a hole into my forehead. Not literally, of course, but it sure as hell felt like it.

I clear my throat awkwardly and focus my gaze onto the support group leader sitting beside me when he started to speak.

"Hello everyone," the support group leader says, "I am glad to see that everyone is here today. I would like you all to welcome Sophia to the group. She is new here, and to the school. Please, give her a warm welcome."

I received a lot of shy 'hellos' and 'welcomes' from everyone, but River's greeting was anything but warm. He might not have said anything when everyone welcomed me into the group, but his expression spoke millions.

He doesn't want me to be here, at all, and he wasn't afraid to show it either.

"I want you guys, and girls, to remember something before we begin. This place is not a place of judgement. There is absolutely no judgement here. Everyone here has suffered through some kind of tragedy, and if you want to let out emotions, using some curse words in the process, I'll allow it." The support group leader says, looking around the students sitting around him.

"Okay, now that we have that out of the way, I want you all to introduce yourselves to the group. And tell us a little something about you. What you like to do. What makes you happy. Anything." The support group leader smiles, and waits a few beats before he spoke again. "I'll go first." He claps his hands together happily. "My name is Oliver. I love animals, and my hobbies are painting. Sunsets and reading makes me happy."

Oliver sure looked like the type of guy who reads. He wore thin-rimmed glasses and he wore a similar outfit Mr Yuri wore today, telling me that Oliver was intelligent. He must be if he was sitting here, talking to students who went through trauma and helping them deal with that trauma.

I mean, it isn't exactly an easy task or something you can just brush off.

Some stories are really heart-shattering. You need to have a very tough heart if you want to sit here and listen to students who have lost someone or who have experienced traumatic experiences in their childhood, or lately, like I did, losing Daniel in an accident I have caused by looking away from the road.

"Now, I want all of you to do the same. It doesn't have to be a lot. I just want you all to get acquainted before we begin today's session. So, who would like to begin?"

A girl whose name I didn't know stands up and clears her throat. It looked like she wasn't bothered at all, like being here was just a normal day to her. "My name is Allie." She says. "I love cats and when it rains. I don't really have any hobbies. I used to paint, too, but I sucked at it, so I stopped painting and still haven't found anything else that piqued my interest."

Allie has dark brown hair that's styled into two braids, with hazel-coloured eyes and golden skin. She has three sets of earrings in both of her ears, and she has an eyebrow piercing as well as a lip piercing which she kept biting.

When she noticed me looking, she smiled at me and sat back down.

River was next. I thought he would skip his turn, but he surprised me when he didn't. He doesn't, however, stand up like Allie did. He was still seated when he started to speak. "My name is River and I like to draw. Not portraits or anything. Just doodles, mostly. And I have a dog named Duke."

Oliver smiled the entire time River spoke. I think he was just as surprised as I was that he actually introduced himself to the group and didn't stay quiet.

Oliver then turns to look at me. "What about you, Sophia?" He asks.

"Hi," I clear my throat awkwardly and start to fiddle with the hem of my jacket, "my name is Sophia. I don't really have any hobbies, but I do love to jog, and I love listening to music." I also loved spending time with my boyfriend, Daniel, but unfortunately I cannot do that anymore because, you know, he's dead.

River looked down at the ground the entire time I spoke.

I didn't miss the way he had his hands folded in his lap or the way his jaw clenched every so often like it physically pained him to listen to me talk.

When everyone introduced themselves to the group, Oliver claps his hands together and looks between all of us seated around him with a smile on his face. A proud one, at that. "Who is willing to start today's session?"

I look to the polished floor immediately, not wanting to be the one to speak first.

I know being here is supposed to help me overcome the grief of losing Daniel in that terrible accident I caused, but it was still too soon and still too raw to talk about what happened to a bunch of complete strangers, and not to mention River. I don't want to pour my heart out when he's in the vicinity. I don't want to be the talk of the town tomorrow when he blabbers what happened to me to everyone, because I know he will, just to spite me.

No one volunteered to start today's session.

Not even Allie.

The fun talks were over now and we're on to deeper conversations. Conversations no one wanted to start.

Oliver calls my name and my heart skips a literal beat.

I knew he was going to ask me to talk first seeing that I'm new to the group.

I look up, seeing him and the rest of the group already looking at me.

I fold my hands in my lap, mimicking River, and clear my throat loudly. "I'm sorry... I don't think I'm ready to talk about what happened yet." I avoid everyone's gaze, and look at Oliver, hoping he won't force me to talk.

The smell of the waxed floors started to give me a big headache and the air slowly started to suffocate me, second after second. My hands are clammy and I wipe them against my pants while at the same time still trying to avoiding everyone's gazes-including Oliver who still hasn't spoken yet.

I was surprised when I saw a look of pure understanding on Oliver's face. "I'm here because I want to help you deal with whatever you went through in the past, Sophia." He notices that my fingers were drumming against my upper thigh but he doesn't comment on it. "But I respect your wishes. If you don't want to talk about it yet, that is fine, but there will come a time when you will have to open up to us. No matter how painful it will be." He says.

"I know." I tell him.

I felt disappointed that I somehow let Oliver down, but I wasn't lying when I said that I wasn't ready to talk about the accident just yet. The pain was still too raw. And I was still grieving Daniel's death.

I'm just glad he understood and gave me a free pass today. The next time, though, I won't be so lucky.

River lets out a very harsh laugh. The sound actually made me shiver.

"Do you have a comment, River?" Oliver asks him.

"You always force us to talk." River says, the tightness in his tone was evident. "It's just unfair and complete bullshit that you're giving her a pass on this." He said 'her' with so much disgust, it didn't really go unnoticed.

Everyone knows now that River doesn't like me very much.

Oliver shifts in his seat. "She is new here, River. She is also not ready to talk." I guess it was in Oliver's job description to stay calm. Hell, if I was in his shoes, I would have chased River out of the gym already for being rude and sarcastic. But Oliver surprised me by staying calm. "You didn't talk about your feelings the first time either." Oliver says. "No one did."

River shakes his head in disbelief and a wicked smile formed onto his mouth, making me feel even smaller than I already did. A strand of his blond hair fell to his face. He didn't lift a hand to swipe it away. "Whatever." He mutters under his breath, finally swiping the strand of hair back with the rest.

"Okay then," Oliver breaths out, relieved that River finally let it go, "who is next?"

When no one wanted to talk and everyone's gazes floated around the room, a girl with a denim skirt and white blouse stood up from the chair and started to fiddle with the hem of her skirt. I think her name is Bianca.

I recognise her from Biology.

"I'm here because I lost my mom. Cancer."

I focus my attention on her. She had red-rimmed eyes and a quivering lip. It made my heart ache inside my chest. She also lost someone dear to her.

Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to be here because I can relate with most of the students here, because all of us have something in common-loss, grief.

"And how are you holding up, Bianca?" Oliver asks her.

"I'm fine, I guess." She lifts her shoulder in a half-shrug. "At least I think I'm doing fine. I have to stay strong for my little brother, but sometimes it's hard to stay strong when all you want to do is break down and cry. I just," she sniffles, "I miss her so much. But I'm doing okay under the circumstances. My family supports me. They should," she chuckles half-heartedly and then tucks her short hair behind her ear, "they're there to support you through your tough times."

I chuckle but when the girl beside me gives me a nasty sideways glance, I try to cover the chuckle with a loud cough. It must have worked because she went back to ignoring me again.

I'm glad that Bianca had someone to support her in these difficult times. I mean, my parents didn't even bother to support or stand by me once when I lost Daniel in the accident that took his life. They sent me packing and told me numerous times that the accident was my fault, and then sent me to my grandmother to live with her.

Just because my parents are assholes doesn't mean everyone else's parents are assholes too, so I'm glad Bianca has her dad and brother to support her in this difficult time.

Not everyone is so lucky, though.

I, on the other hand, was alone through it all.

I had to apologize to Daniel's family for taking his life. I had to look at his parents, who raised him to be the gentleman I fell in love with, in the eye and tell them that I took Daniel's precious life by looking away from the road to kiss him. I had to explain to them why we were driving in such cataclysmic weather conditions late at night. I had to explain to them why I was so stupid and so completely reckless.

I was alone through it all.

I was alone when I had to go to the funeral-which was a miracle because his mom and dad actually allowed me to be there-and I was alone right after. I was alone with the grief. I was alone when I sobbed each and every night in my own bed. I was alone through it all, and I deserved being alone.

Everyone thought I deserved being alone except for my grandmother.

She's the only one who wants to see me succeed in life.

As for my parents, on the other hand, they want to see me fall.

My grandmother was my rock after I lost Daniel.

She was there for me when my parents dropped me off at her house after the accident. She comforted me when I sobbed in my room late at nights and held me when I couldn't breathe because the pain was too unbearable. She was there to bring me food when I wanted to do nothing but cry and stay in my room the entire time. She was there for me through it all, and that's why I need to do everything in my power to make her proud of me.

"Well, Bianca..." Oliver says, smiling sadly at her, "This place is a safe space for you and everyone else in this group. You guys can always talk to me when you want to. You can come to me when things get a little too much for you. My doors are always open for every single one of you." Oliver's gaze shifts between everyone sitting around him in a circle, but his gaze lingers for a few seconds too long on me.

• • •

When the session was over, I grab my bag up from the floor and make my way out of the gym's doors. I didn't want to linger inside the gym in case Oliver wanted to speak to me privately, so I made my way out of the school in quite a hurry, but I sigh deeply when my grandmother wasn't here yet.

Wanting to pass the time, I take out my phone and scroll through it randomly when a giggle in the distance makes me look up from my phone's screen. It was a girl being chased by, I assume her boyfriend, with a bug. They were too far away for me to be certain, but he chased her with something.

I don't know why, but seeing her giggling and running for her life made me think back on when Daniel used to chase me with stuff too; crickets and mantises. I used to hate it when he chased me, but thinking back on that now, I would give anything for him to chase me with a creepy crawly one last time.

"What were you doing there?" An angry voice booms behind me.

I turn slowly, seeing River approaching me. "What do you mean?"

"What were you doing in the support group?"

I shake my head slowly, letting a chuckle escape through my lips. "What do you have against me, River? What did I do for you to have this hatred toward me?"

"You didn't answer my question."

I could tell he was starting to get angry with the way he had his bag's strap clasped in his hand, and his jaw kept clenching and unclenching tightly.

"And you didn't answer mine." I retort.

He scoffs without answering my question and storms away. He disappears back through the school's doors and slams the door shut behind him.

• • •

River Jenkins

I barge into the office and close the glass door behind me with such force, the door actually shook on its hinges. "Why the hell is that new girl in support group?"

My aunt looks up from the stack of papers she had in front of her and shakes her head at me. "Sophia is allowed to be there, River." She says, perching her glasses up her nose. "She needs the support, just like you do."

I sit down on the chair beside the door and let out a disgruntled huff. The chair's cushion was completely worn out and the wood was digging into my back harshly.

My aunt looks to the closed door as if to see if there was anyone outside, and then she leans forward as if to whisper. "She lost someone too."

My eyebrows pull together in a frown, curiosity getting the best of me. "Who?"

I hated myself for asking, but I needed to know why that girl was everywhere.

My aunt shoots me a stern look. "You know I can't discuss student's personal lives with you, River. It's confidential and you know that."

"It's not like I have any friends," I urge her on to tell me, "you can tell me."

"What did I just say, River?" She shakes her head slowly at me, as if she was disappointed in me. "It's none of your business, and I will not discuss it with you just because you're curious to why she attends the support group."

"I'm not curious," I lie to her, "that new girl looks like the type who meddles in someone's business and she might tell everyone that I attend that support group too." I run my fingers through my thick hair. "You heard the rumours before... I don't want another to spread because of her."

"Sophia is not like that, River," my aunt explains, "she is not petty."

I tap the golden oak office flooring with the tip of my boot frustratingly. "Whatever," I mutter under my breath, "I'm thinking of leaving that place anyways. It hasn't been helping."

"It's because you don't give it an actual try." She says, "Oliver tells me what's been happening in his sessions. He says you don't talk. He says you don't participate in the activities."

"I don't want to pour my heart out to complete fucking strangers, Aunt Penelope." I lean against the backrest of the wooden chair, feeling the wood dig into my back more. "I don't want to tell complete strangers what happened because it's none of their damn business. Just stop forcing me to go to that support group. We both know what really helps, but you don't get it. I don't need Oliver. I need to fight and you know that actually helps me."

"River..." She lets out a harsh breath and pinches the bridge of her nose. "You will never heal by fighting." She inhales deeply and exhales it again. "Fighting only makes things worse for you. You can't keep coming home with a busted face and bruised knuckles. You need to talk to someone-"

"I will not allow the vultures I go to school with to prey on my past. I will not allow them to rip it apart, either!" I yell at her.

She flinches at my sudden tone.

"They're vultures, every single one of them. They don't care about me. They only care about a juicy story and what to gossip about next. You know that. And Sophia, she was the talk of the town today with that scar of hers, she wants the attention to be on someone else next, and if she starts telling everyone that I go to support group, the rumours that started a while back will return, and more will be started. There's no doubt about that."

My aunt, who was double the age I was, slams her hand against the office's front desk hard; the papers actually went scattering all over the place. She didn't even bother to pick them up or to look at them while they flew to the ground because she had her eyes on me the entire time. "You're being paranoid," she says, inhaling a deep breath, "and I am warning you, boy, if you make Sophia's life hell because you're being-"

I jerk away from her even though she was standing behind the desk.

She seems to realise what she said because her features immediately soften. "River..."

"Don't call me that." I get up from the chair and leave the office, ignoring my aunt's pleads for me to come back to her, and click the office door shut.

I slam my fist against one of the lockers as I passed them, leaving a dent in one. I turn around, fall with my back against the same locker I just punched a dent in, and feel my breathing become more difficult by the second, all because of one damn word.

When I make my way to the boys' bathroom, sweat was already coating my forehead and neck from the lack of oxygen my lungs were getting.

My chest tightens.

My hands are shaking.

My heartbeats are irregular.

And I was starting to become dizzy.

I enter the bathroom hastily and let the door close itself as I made my way to one of the sinks.

I open the cold water, splash some across my face, and close my eyes as the water dripped from my face and back into the sink.

One word was enough for a flood of painful memories to enter my mind.

"Don't talk back, boy."

I take slow and even breaths trying to calm myself down, but to no avail.

"You're just another abomination. You're nothing, boy."

I gasp for air and press my hand against my chest.

"Boy."

I smack my palm against the white sink, like my aunt did a few moments ago. The sting of the slap against the hard surface was enough to make me hiss, but when the sting disappeared, I needed more.

As the word I dislike more than anything in the entire world play inside my mind, my hands started to shake even more than it did a few moments ago and they started to slip from the sink.

"You're nothing, boy."

I ball my hand into a tight fist and use it to punch a hole right through the mirror. The mirror shatters immediately and I watch the shattered mirror pieces along with droplets of blood from my knuckles drop into the sink.

"You're such a disappointment, boy."

I punch the mirror for a second time.

And then I punch it for a third time.

I stare down at my hand, at my knuckles actually, and see blood. The pain in my hand was excruciating, and my hands were shaking violently as more blood dripped into the sink.

I need to feel pain in order for me to forget that taunting voice inside my head. That's what my aunt doesn't understand; fighting helps me forget. Having a busted up face with bleeding cuts on my lip and bruises on my knuckles give me peace. Fighting helps more than support group ever will.

And that is what my aunt fails to understand.

I need to fight to forget him.

The cuts stung, but it seemed to work because his voice was gone.

"What the hell happened?" A panicked voice booms behind me.

I didn't have to turn around to see who it was.

I recognised that voice almost immediately.

Sophia.

"This is the boys' bathroom! Get out!" I yell, pointing to the door.

It was a mistake.

More blood drips from my knuckles and onto the tiled floor.

The scene, to Sophia, made her eyes widen on the spot; she actually dropped her bag to the floor in complete horror.

Her eyes also drifted between the bloody broken mirror, and to the sink with the shards and my blood, and then the floor.

"Didn't you hear me the first time Sop-" I stumble toward her and could've fallen to the floor if she didn't catch me in time.

The lack of breath entering my lungs and the way my heart was palpitating inside my ribcage made my vision blur and my legs give out from underneath me.

I fall to the floor, and so does she.

She doesn't scurry away from me like I expected her to; she throws her arms around my neck instead and starts to rub circles against my back.

I wanted to fight her but I didn't want her to let me go, either.

I start to sob in her arms.

I hear his voice inside my head again, taunting me and laughing at me for crying.

"Weak little boy. Look at you crying."

"Shh," Sophia comforts me, "it's going to be okay."

I wanted to believe those words so badly, but it was impossible for me to believe them. Nothing is ever going to be okay again. I won't be okay again.

"It's a lie," I shake my head, "nothing is okay." I shake my head again. "It's a lie." I press my tongue in my cheek to keep myself from sobbing but I failed. I sobbed. And the more I sobbed, the more I couldn't breathe. And the more I couldn't breathe, the tighter my hold around her was starting to become.

I was holding onto her for dear life. I needed to hold onto something because if I didn't, I'd slip away. I was shaking in her arms uncontrollably.

I couldn't speak again. The words were lodged inside my throat.

"Breathe in and out, River."

She breathes in and exhales it again.

I follow her breathing routine.

I breathe in and out with her.

And then she starts to count to ten. "One... Two... Three..." Breathes in and then out. "Four... Five... Six... Seven... Eight... Nine...Ten..."

And again.

When my breathing returned back to normal, I started to loosen my grip.

When I let her go, I wiped my face with the palm of my hand and got up from the ground.

Sophia stood up from the ground too and grabbed her bag up from the floor.

"Are you okay?" She asks.

I clear my throat. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure you're-"

I remember how we ended up in this situation in the first place and flipped out. I'm in here because my aunt took her side in this situation and not mine. Not only is Sophia going to tell people about me being in support group, but also that I just had a panic attack right in front of her.

"I said I am fine." I run my fingers through my damp hair. "Leave now, and don't tell anyone about what you saw."

She frowns at me, completely confused. I just held onto her a moment ago like my life depended on it, and now I was being rude to her all over again.

"River-"

"Leave, Sophia."

She nods once, turns on both her heels and flees.