Chapter Forty Three: Beck's Notebook
Sophia Crawford

I must admit that my room felt kind of empty without the caterpillar and its cage. It has become such a routine for me to look after him, but after giving the assignments in for Mr Ryan last week, I didn't have anything else to do.

I was staring at my walls and how the paint was still chipping off on some parts and decided that I have to run into town one day to grab some new paint. Seeing that my father now lives with us, he can help me renovate my room and maybe he can start to clear out the study that has been filled with boxes for him to use.

I was glad that my father's back. I didn't want to believe my grandmother a few months ago when she said that he contacted her and asked her how I was doing and how I was settling in because I was so used to my parents not caring about me, but little did I know that my father cared all this time, he just had to put up a front in front of my mother; he had to act like he didn't care about me because she had him wrapped around her finger, and knowing my mother, when she said jump, you needed to ask how high or there would have been consequences.

I was glad he was out of that toxicity that was my mother.

My mother was a poison. She poisoned everyone around her and made them do her bidding, and if things didn't go her way, she poisoned them even more. I'm just glad my father has managed to escape before he got poisoned by her, too.

My phone vibrates against my nightstand.

I didn't bother to look at who it was because I just knew it was River trying to apologize again for saying those rude things about Daniel on his birthday a few weeks ago, but when I opened the chat, it wasn't an apology at all.

RIVER JENKINS: It's gone.

I frown, looking at his message and wondering what he meant by that.

SOPHIA CRAWFORD: What's gone?

I stare at my phone, looking at the three dots indicating that he was typing a message. My heart drops to the floor along with the anger I have felt for him since Daniel's birthday a few weeks ago when the message finally appeared.

RIVER JENKINS: Beck's notebook. It's gone.

He has never left that book out of his sight. It cannot be gone. I know for a fact that River wouldn't just leave the book lying around for someone to just read.

SOPHI CRAWFORD: Did you double check your school bag? Maybe it's behind another book and you just missed it.

RIVER JENKINS: *SEEN*

RIVER JENKINS: *LAST SEEN FIVE MINUTES AGO*

I stare at the screen, hoping that he would message me back, but he never does. Five minutes turn into eight minutes, and eight minutes turn into ten minutes.

Maybe he just found the notebook and didn't want to bother me anymore seeing that we weren't on speaking terms anymore, but just when I wanted to place my phone back onto the nightstand beside me, his caller id comes up on my screen.

He was calling me.

I quickly answer my phone and place my phone against my ear. "Did you fi-"

"Sophia... It's Penelope. River is having a panic attack and he keeps mentioning you. Do you think it would be possible to come over? Please?"

"Of course." I was already off my bed and running toward the staircase in a matter of seconds with the phone still placed against my ear. "I'll be there."

"Thank you, Sophia."

I end the call and ignore my grandmother's calls as I leave the house in a hurry.

• • •

Usually the walk to Penelope's house would have taken me a half an hour to forty to fifty minutes, but I have run so fast, I made it in ten whole minutes.

I open the gate rather quickly, nearly breaking my nail trying to get the latch to lift, and run up the path that leads to the front door when I've finally won the fight with the damn latch. I was a panting mess, and as I knocked on Penelope's front door, sweat was coated against my forehead despite it being cold outside.

Penelope opens the door and pulls me into the house; it didn't take long for the two of us to run up the staircase that led to River's room.

When I entered River's room, he was lying on the floor, hugging his knees to his chest. His face was red from the lack of oxygen his lungs were getting, and there were tears streaming down his face.

Duke was lying on the bed, looking down at his owner with concern in his eyes. I didn't think it was possible for a dog to be concerned, but poor Duke sure was.

I run toward River, falling to my knees behind him so that he can rest his head in my lap. "Breathe, River." I soothe him by rubbing my hand over his shoulder. "Breathe in and out, and then repeat the process."

Penelope was a worried mess as she just stood in the doorway, unable to help. Tears were running down her cheeks and her hand was covering her parted lips.

"In..." I breathe in, waiting for River to do the same before I exhaled the breath. "And out..."

River's chest rose and fell with every slow breath he took.

"In..." I inhale deeply. "And out." I exhale the breath.

We continue the breathing process for another two to three minutes until I noticed that his face started to go back to normal and that it wasn't so red like it was when I first arrived.

River sits up, closes his eyes and takes in another deep breath. He was fine, until he wasn't anymore. He rests his head in his hands, shaking his head slowly and repeatedly. "It's gone." He mutters. "Beck's notebook is gone. It's missing."

"Didn't you leave it at school?" His aunt asks, still standing by the doorway.

River shakes his head. "I always put it back into my bag when I'm done with it. It's not there anymore and it's not here at home either."

Not knowing what to say, I rub circles across his back, hoping that the gesture would somehow calm him down.

It didn't.

He was still restless, and he was still shaking his head repeatedly, as if he couldn't quite comprehend that the thing that meant most to him was gone.

I felt the exact same way when I found out that my ring was gone, it felt as if nothing could ever be okay again because the ring was just so important, but this was very different from losing a ring. River lost the only thing he has left of his family and what happened to them when they were still alive. If someone were to read Beck's notebook, everyone would know what happened to him and they would find out that the rumours they started might be true. Beck's notebook didn't just contain River's doodles; it contained heart-shattering poems too. The poems Beck wrote about what happened to him and his mother.

"I'll go look downstairs." His aunt says, leaving the two of us alone in his room.

River turns to look at me, his eyes filled with unshed tears. "Did you take the notebook to get back at me for taking your ring?"

His words were like a slap to my face.

I know how much that notebook means to him. I would never stoop that low to take the thing that matters the most to him to get him back for taking my ring. Yes, I was angry at River for taking my ring and lying to me when I asked him if he saw it, but I would never, ever take his notebook or do something similar to get him back. I wasn't that kind of person, and for him to think otherwise...

Even though his accusation hurt me, I take his hand in mine and give it a squeeze. "I would never take that notebook, River. It means too much to you."

He nods; regret was written across his face. "I'm sorry." He sniffles and wipes his nose with the back of his right hand. "I didn't know why I asked you that."

"It's fine." I tell him. "Maybe you just misplaced the notebook somewhere."

"Somebody took it." He says. "I triple checked everywhere. Even in my bag. It's not there. It's not anywhere. Someone took it."

"How can you be so sure that someone took it?" I ask him.

"I just know that someone took it." He runs his fingers through his hair frustratingly. "Wait a second...Mackenzie was acting weird when she met up with me at school. She asked me if I was moping over you because she saw how the two of us left the janitor's closet and you were angry. I told her to leave me alone... and the weird part was that she wasn't even angry... she had regret written across her face. She then just left me alone. She acted really weird before I rejected her. She wasn't pissed like I thought she would be. The last time I rejected her, I was receiving death glares from her. But not this time..."

"You think she was the one who took it?" I ask.

River lifts his shoulders in a shrug. "I don't know if she's the one who took the notebook, but she acted really weird. She was being comforting somehow, like she knew that something happened for me to become this person."

If Mackenzie was being comforting and had regret written across her face, something tells me that she might've read the book. I know that I would have felt the same way if I read the notebook containing sad poems written by Beck.

Mackenzie wasn't stupid. She was there when the rumours were started, and if she did read Beck's notebook, it won't take her very long to connect the dots.

River thought so too.

"What would happen if she reads the notebook?"

"She'll know the truth to what happened to my family." He replies.

I nod, feeling nervous on his behalf.

"Let's just hope she didn't read much of it." He says, swallowing hard.