180:

"When I first came out on my mission, I was so green it was pathetic. I knew nothing... literally nothing. I had the bare minimum of a testimony, mostly based on a very deep longing, I now realize, not to please God, but to perhaps qualify to have you."

He heard her slight gasp, and hurried to assuage that thought.

 "That changed, honey, believe me, it changed real quick. You don't leave the MTC with that kind of testimony if you participate in the program the way it is designed. You have to put forth the effort to come to know Jesus Christ. You have to do it for yourself, no one else is going to. And you committed to-- no covenanted to, so you did obligate yourself. If for that reason only, you leave the MTC with a slightly better knowledge than you went in, then you're on the right path."

"That's kind of what I went through. After I lost Raine I realized I had been relying on the testimony of others. I didn't really know for myself because all my knowledge and prayers weren't helping that much. I had to dig deeper, really search for what I believed and why and prove it to myself." She said anxiously. "I had to rely on myself."

"Exactly, except for one thing, you did know for yourself, it's just that you were limited by the amount of effort you'd put in previously. You hit a plateau, and realized if you really wanted comfort, you would have to put in more effort." He agreed. "That's what happened to me. I realized that I wasn't out here to please you. You were only one aspect of it, there was a lot more that was expected of me if I was to really know for myself..." he took another deep breath. "Sometimes all the striving to get the light leaves us a little overwhelmed and exhausted, and up here, there's really no one to talk to except him."

"Unless you're married." She said softly.

He was quiet, thinking about that comment. In his heart they were married, he couldn't help it, he'd felt it so long it was just a part of him, and he knew it was going to happen, but it hadn't happened yet. Sometimes the longing for it was overwhelming, the need to have it be secured, a sure thing, with her in his arms forever.

"It's okay to miss me." He said finally, knowing what to say that was appropriate, and what wasn't.

"I do." She said, and felt once again that sudden rush of missing him.

He swallowed. "I miss you too."

"You couldn't call me on Mother's Day." She said.

"Well, you had mentioned it, but then because of the call in March, you said not to call, and I could see that you were trying to keep the rules, and I admire that, so I let it be. But it was hard."

"So, I'm calling now. And my desire is to call every day." She sounded contrite and annoyed at the same time. 

She went on hurriedly. "I do feel like there's no one to talk to. I pray a lot, and think a ton, and then when I go to talk to other people, like Ramiro is always asking questions about me, and Blaze makes fun of me, because he is really sick of my religious conversations. And I usually try and answer, and my answers are like, way too in depth, or something, and all wrong, and I end up confusing him, and Blaze just laughs and Ramiro leaves me alone for awhile, and then I feel stupid, and wish... you were here."

He was laughing. It was a sensory deprivation type of Tracy feast. He'd been attracted to this girl a long time ago, this girl, the rushed explanation girl, the girl of much sincerity.... The girl whose words were quick and clipped and hysterically funny....

 And then she'd gone away somewhere inside, and he felt deprived. But he'd waited it out, and strangely enough, even though her syntax was closer to what it had been, the quick, random, funny speech...light, happier, he sensed a very deep strength that had come from her sufferings and trials. And he loved her all the more for it.... In fact, fell in love with her all over again for it.

"I wish you were here, there's so much I'd like to show you. Maybe someday we can come back and I'll take you around places." He felt an outpouring of love as if they were inseparably connected from that moment on.

"Absolutely, I would love to."

"No reservations, Trace?"

"Not right this minute." She quipped. "You know me, I over-think things. There's always room for instability in my life!"

"That's why I will balance you." His voice had dropped pitch. "We work well together."

"I think..." She choked up.

"Hey, don't be overwhelmed. It's okay. I- I love you." He said the words, realized he'd said them, didn't stop, felt the rightness and smiled inside. Well, he did. Were those words of any less substance because they had less to do with lust and more to do with actual Christ-like love? Perhaps more substance actually. He'd like to have said them to her face to face, but they'd just come out.

"I love you, Richard." She said, and felt the tears overflow. It was that same acknowledgment he had just had. It wasn't a love based on passion or lust at the moment, all the attraction was far away. This was such a pure and simple love, expressed in the sincerity of context, where they both were feeling the spirit, the humility of joy.

Richard swallowed. "I'm going to have a hard time not thinking about you today."

"I'm going to go to bed now and dream about you." Her voice was musical, gentle, no recriminations, no guilt.

"I'll think about you dreaming about me, then."

"Okay."

"This is kind of weird." He laughed.

"What?"

"That we've never really had this kind of conversation. We've had flirty conversations, deep meaningful conversations, confessions, work related conversations, all kinds of other non-threatening sharing types of conversations.... I've probably talked to you more than anyone else in my life, but...."

"Maybe this is a spiritual conversation?" she supplied.

"It's got that flavor, yes, but we've had a lot of those as well, and contrary to your popular belief, you did share the gospel with me, and you were very clear and I felt the spirit. But I'm thinking this is the first time there's been no real constraint, like there's nothing between us, no other reason to talk like this except that we.... Feel it...."

She remained quiet, thinking about that, agreeing. "I can't believe I said that."

"What, a little prematurely?"

"I didn't plan it, that's for sure. I didn't wake up this morning and say I'm going to call Richard tonight, and tell him I actually do love him."

"Well, it's all good. We'll keep it between us." He said softly, and she knew that perhaps someone else was listening now, and he felt a little awkward.

"Richard, don't let it interfere in your work, okay?" And the implied thought that that idea, more than anything else would bother her. He understood how far she had come from not caring what other's thought, to caring very much what God thought. He'd made that leap too. And somewhere inside he thanked God for that knowledge. 

"I gotta go, okay?" She choked out, feeling the very present threat of overwhelming current and tears winging around inside her. This time she barely said goodbye and then she stood up and went and put her feet into the shiny white surf. The cell beeped immediately.

"Hey." He said and laughed. "That's not how you hang up on me normally."

She was gasping away the tears frantically, shocked that he'd called her back and sputtering, not knowing what to say. "Richard!"

He heard the tears, knew they were for him, not for herself, and felt that warm sensation of peace that he associated with the Lord's approval. Wow! He was getting a lot of reassurance here. It felt good. He understood it now, when he hadn't before. Couldn't see the plan, couldn't have fathomed all the twists and turns.

"How are you feeling, baby?" he quoted.

She laughed, swiped her tears, tried to smile. "High."

"High on life, baby, high on life."

*****