(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 88 - Coming Back To This Place)

Now that the wheels are in motion for our anniversary I feel a sudden urgency to finalise the details as soon as possible. I set about enlisting Callie's help again, asking her to help me get Jess to the address at the right time on the night and to make sure she asks a few of Jess's friends along too - but I stress that if she has any doubts whatsoever about anyone's trustworthiness or integrity, they should not be invited. She tells me she will do anything she can to help me pull this off, and confirms that Maddie will be attending, which I discover means (to my alarm) Calvin will be chaperoning. Jess's brother still terrifies me to my very core, and I only hope he comes in peace and doesn't intend on terrorising me throughout the duration of the evening. 

I research cherry brandy cocktail recipes online so I don't show myself up like last time (although perhaps that would add a bit of charm to the evening). I practise a few times at home with various different mixers until I am fairly confident that I'll be able to make Jess a drink that doesn't end up being poured down the sink. 

I contact Mum as I realise that the date of our anniversary, the fifth of March, falls the day before Mothers' Day this year. While this is the perfect diversion and creates the illusion of me not being around the weekend of our anniversary, strengthening the surprise element, I am also torn about what to do on the Sunday. Should I arrange travel up to see Mum on the Sunday, just for the day? I don't want her to feel as though she has been sidelined, or dropped in favour of someone more important. My fears prove to be unfounded however, when Mum rings me a couple of evenings later and I bring up the subject of my anniversary with Jess, and she tells me she has plans to take my grandad out for Sunday lunch that weekend.

"It also happens to be Mothers' Day," I remind her. "I could come up early Sunday morning and come for lunch with you and Grandad?"

"Oh sweetheart, that would be lovely," she exclaims. "But... well, are you sure you really want to? It's a long way to come for one day, especially if you've planned an evening out with Jess the night before. Won't you be tired?"

"I don't mind," I promise. "But if it's easier for you I could come up a few days earlier and we could have our own proper Mothers' Day celebration?"

"Well that would be even better," she replies, and I can hear the smile in her voice. "I know Grandad would love to see you but I do think it's an awfully long drive for just a few hours. And I don't want you to feel under pressure to fit everything in. You've just finished the busiest few years of your life. I want you to slow down for a bit and just take things easy. No tearing around up and down the country. Just enjoy the quiet life for a bit." 

"I suppose it makes more sense," I concede. "And it means I can spend a couple of days with you, just the two of us." 

"Perfect," she says, and she sounds pleased. "I'll look forward to it." 

Well that has worked out well. I just need to find a way to drop it into conversation with Jess so it sounds casual and not like I'm making a big deal out of it. I'm planning on "forgetting" our anniversary to accentuate the surprise of the house party so this fits in brilliantly. 

It's a busy few days in LA catching up with friends, tying up various contract details and looking forward to this pre Grammys gala. Jeff rings me a few days before and lets me know that Zayn has confirmed his attendance also, and is expected to walk the red carpet. Big showy entrances have never been my thing, and I certainly don't want the Hollywood media filming my first encounter with Zayn since he walked out on the band nearly one year ago.

"Don't feel you can't walk the red carpet if you want to," Jeff is quick to point out. "You have as much right to be there as Zayn. And we can coordinate it so your paths won't cross."

But even so, I don't want the whole evening to be about me and Zayn being in the same building so I am happy not to take the grand entrance but vow to keep my wits about me the entire evening, and hope I might bump into him and clear the air, just to ensure any future encounters won't be met with awkwardness or hostility.

I order a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to Jess on the morning of Valentines Day - it falls on a Sunday this year and I know she has plans to spend it with Callie as I can't be there with her. I know that due to the nature of my work and the amount of time I spend around the world there will always be some dates of importance that we won't be able to spend together. Jess hasn't said anything about me not being with her on our first Valentines Day, but I suspect this is because she doesn't want to make me feel bad. This makes me love her even more. It crosses my mind that I don't remember a time when I have actually brought her flowers myself - and with this in mind I ask the florist to write on the card, "One day I will be the one to bring you flowers. H xxx"

I wake up on the fourteenth of February to a photo from Jess of said flowers and card, accompanied by a message telling me she's missing me like crazy and she can't wait to see me, along with the devil emoji which instantly sends my mind into overdrive imagining the welcome she might give me when I get home. 

I'm just about to make the most of the alone time in bed with these thoughts when my phone lights up again with a text from Callie. 

Just a heads up. Jess is also planning something special for your anniversary and from the sounds of it, it could be expensive. You might want to nip this in the bud sooner rather than later so she doesn't get carried away and spend a small fortune. 

 Bollocks. Callie did warn me about this already but I was so carried away and excited looking at the photos she retrieved from Jess, I had completely forgotten about it. 

Thanks, I reply. I'll ring her in a bit and pretend I know nothing.

I'm sure that won't be difficult, comes the reply, and I stare at it for a moment, unsure how to take this. We'd called a truce, and I'm not sure if this is Callie just joking or if it's a genuine insult. I know she has a dry sense of humour, and to be honest, she scares me a little. Not as much as Calvin does, though. He's definitely the worst. 

I send a Ha ha back, which I'm hoping could be taken as either me laughing along or laughing sarcastically at her jibe (I'm back to overthinking everything again) and then lie back in bed, turning my attention back to Jess again and allowing my thoughts to wander back to her text with the devil emoji, and how she will show me that she's missed me when I get back. It doesn't take me long to make myself come thinking about her riding me, and once I've composed myself I pick my phone up and call her. It's around tea time in London, and I'm happy when she answers with a smile in her voice. 

"Hi Squidge!" 

"Happy Valentines Day, baby," I smile.

"Happy Valentines Day," she greets me back. "Thank you for the flowers, they're beautiful."

"Not as beautiful as you."

"Or you," she fires back immediately and I can't help chuckling. I miss her so fucking much. 

"What are you doing?" I ask, rolling over onto my side and tucking my phone under my ear.

"Just spent the day in the pub with Callie," she says casually. "How about you? Haven't you got some awards thing tonight?"

I decide not to inform her what I've just been doing, although if she hadn't been with Callie I might have called her at the start to join in with me.

"A pre-Grammys gala," I nod. "Zayn's on the guest list, apparently. So that should be interesting."

"Do you think he'll talk to you?" she asks curiously and I run my fingertip over a loose thread in the duvet cover. 

"I'll make sure I find him and say hi," I reply, firmly. "I don't want there to be an atmosphere. But Zayn can be a bit funny sometimes with stuff like this. If he blanks me, that's up to him. But I'm not going to avoid him."

"Does it piss you off?" she asks bluntly. "The stuff he said about the band, I mean."

Yes. Yes, it fucking does. I feel protective over the band, and the other boys. It really fucking pisses me off every time I hear about Zayn taking the piss out of it as though it's beneath him. 

"Honestly? Yes," I answer truthfully. "I understand that he wanted to leave, and his reasons for doing so, but I'm disappointed with the way he has spoken about us since. He dissed the very thing that got him where he is today, and I don't think that was a nice thing to do. None of us would be in the positions we are now if it weren't for One Direction. We're so thankful to everyone who helped us achieve our dreams. So it's hurtful to hear Zayn scoffing at it and belittling it. It's not what I would do, if I were him. But each to their own, I suppose."

"Hmm."

"Why do you ask?" I wonder. 

"I'm interested," she replies. "I know we don't really talk about the band much, but I wondered how you felt about Zayn."

I turn it back around on her. "How do you feel about Zayn?" 

I feel like I can guess what her answer will be, and I smirk as she launches into heated reply and proves me right.

"I like him even less than I did when he was in One Direction. I think he's a prick for slating the band, I think he's a prick for fighting with Louis on Twitter, and I think he's a prick for never apologising for making me spill my drink on you." 

"Don't hold back, baby," I tease. "Say what you really think."

"And he seems to think he's better than all of you now he's gone solo," she continues. "His ego is so big it needs its own postcode."

This makes me laugh out loud. It's such a Jess thing to say. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," I grin.

"Hell hath no fury like a Directioner scorned," she corrects me, and I laugh delightedly at her indignation and fierce protectiveness over me and the band. 

"You are funny, Jessie Braddy."

"Anyway," she sighs, with an air of someone trying to rein themselves in, "despite all that, I hope the party goes well. Jeff's going with you, isn't he?"

"Yeah." I stifle a yawn. "It should be a good evening." I take another sip of my coffee. 

"Will you be walking the red carpet?" Jess asks.

"Nah, not if I can avoid it. I think Zayn probably will though." 

"Hey, have you got any plans for the fifth of March?" she asks, completely changing tack and nearly catching me off guard. "It's a Saturday." 

Fuck. I was going to bring this up myself and now I feel flustered and wrong-footed. I hate lying at the best of times. 

"Um, not specifically, but I'm going to be at Mum's that weekend," I answer, convinced I can hear a vague tremor in my voice as my lie trips off my tongue. "It's Mother's Day on the Sunday, so I was going to travel up on the Thursday before and spend a long weekend there with her." I'm babbling, I'm definitely babbling. I need to shut up or she'll smell a rat. "Why?" I ask, as innocently as I can, turning the conversation back on her so she can do the talking instead.

And then my heart drops to my toes as I wonder if she'll remind me it's our anniversary and call me out for not knowing the date. Fuck. 

"Oh, um, no reason," she mutters, and I feel a wave of relief mixed with a stab of guilt at deceiving her like this and making her feel like I've forgotten the most important date of my life.

"Aren't you seeing your mum on Mother's Day?" I prompt. 

"Yeah, yeah," she answers quickly, sounding as flustered as I feel. "I haven't arranged anything yet, though. I was just wondering what your plans were."

Obviously I know this is a fib as Callie has tipped me off, and I can only hope her own fluster is disguising mine. 

"I guessed you'd be wanting to see your family, and I knew you were unlikely to be able to get the time off work to come with me mid-week," I elaborate. "I didn't want to take you for granted like last time," I then add, and immediately regret that last comment. I'm laying it on too thick, making too much of a deal out of it. She's bound to guess something's off. 

But apparently she doesn't, and accepts this explanation without question. 

"Was there something you wanted to do on the Saturday?" I can't help asking. I don't know why I'm so determined to dig a deeper hole, but apparently I'm unable to stop myself.

"No, nothing in particular." 

"OK, well if you're sure," I reply. "I'd better get up, I have to go into Beverly Hills this morning and collect my suit for tonight."

"Anything outrageous?" she wants to know, and I grin at her teasing tone. 

"No, just plain black, and a white shirt." 

"You can rock any look," assures me. "Send me a picture once you're dressed and ready." 

She's so wholesome. I, on the other hand, would have asked for a picture of her before she got dressed and ready. Fuck, I miss her! 

"Will do, baby," I agree. "I love you. Sorry I couldn't be there with you on Valentines Day."

"There'll be plenty more," she says but I detect a melancholy undertone. "I love you too."

We say goodbye and I feel a stronger stab of guilt, not just at making her think I've forgotten our anniversary but also because I'm away from her today, and it reminds me just how much my schedule dictates my life rather than the other way around. It's the price I have to pay to kickstart my solo career and maintain my profile within the industry. These next few months are make or break for me as a solo artist. One wrong move, or one poorly timed release and it could be the end of everything. 

~~~

I'm relieved that the pre-Grammys gala goes smoothly and without a hitch. I manage to avoid the red carpet and all the drama from the press that would undoubtedly have come with it. Once inside I discreetly scan my surroundings - the last thing I want is a surprise encounter with Zayn before I can compose my thoughts, but Jeff's voice in my ear tells me Zayn has already left before I arrived. I have no idea whether this was done deliberately to avoid me, and a small part of me feels sad that our paths won't cross, but another small part of me is equally relieved that I won't have to face an awkward meeting, especially not knowing how Zayn would react to me, either in private or in front of a crowd. I spend most of the evening with the Azoffs (the gala is in honor of Jeff's dad, Irving) and it's good fun. The alcohol is flowing and I allow myself to relax and drink probably more than I should and it's the early hours of the morning by the time I stagger up to bed, drunk and silly, laughing at myself each time I bump into a wall. 

The next few days pass uneventfully: I spend some more time with Jeff and Glenne, catch up with Kendall and am in regular contact with Callie, confirming arrangements for Saturday 5th March. I head out for dinner at Food Lab the night before I'm due to fly home, hoping I'll be spotted and that this will give me a couple of days' breathing space in London before anyone realises I've changed continents. 

I'm elated that Jess is half awake when I crawl into our bed in London in the early hours of the morning after what feels like an impossibly long flight, and even more elated when she nudges her hips towards me as we kiss, pressing against my hardening dick and sighing softly as I slide my hands under her tshirt to touch her hardening nipples. I've missed her so much. No amount of hand action can make up for the feeling of being inside her.

Our kissing is fast, but gentle. Urgent, but loving. She pulls me deep inside her, digging her nails into my back as I build up the pace. When I roll off her, a few minutes later, she nestles into my shoulder breathing deeply and I kiss the top of her head. I'm home. I'm finally home. 

~~~

Unfortunately Jess is up and out the following morning for work, but all is not lost. I've arranged to call round to Callie's flat to pick up Jess's One Direction stuff in preparation for Saturday so I drag myself out of bed pretty much as soon as Jess has left, have a long hot shower and sit in the kitchen eating toast and drinking tea. I don't know why, but tea and toast always tastes a million times better here than in LA. Once I'm ready to leave, Callie sends me her postcode and I make the fairly short journey from my house to her flat, remembering dropping Jess off here only a few months ago when Callie was embroiled in some boyfriend drama and caused Jess to miss our X Factor performance. I feel a pang of resentment at that memory, but force myself to swallow it as I get out of the car and take a deep breath. The last thing I need is to approach Callie already irritated with her. 

I press the buzzer for her flat and the main front door vibrates almost immediately. I push it open and step into the hallway just as she appears at the stop of the stairs, as though surveying me from the top of her castle. 

"Hi," I greet her a little awkwardly and she gives me an awkward nod in return. 

"Hi. Come on up. I've got all her stuff here. It's still in the bin bag she gave me."

Ouch. I wince at her words and she glances at me as I follow her up the stairs.

"That wasn't a deliberate dig. I just meant I haven't touched it since she gave it to me. I was supposed to bin it but, well... I didn't, as you already know." 

"Thank you," I smile tentatively. "For what it's worth, I'm really glad you didn't."

She shrugs and leads me down the hallway to the door of her flat. "I know Jess. It was a kneejerk reaction at the time. I knew she would regret throwing it all away one day, once she'd moved on and could think clearly. I have to be honest though, I didn't think I'd be giving it back to you after the two of you were back together." 

Her tone isn't particularly welcoming, but neither is it hostile. I debate asking her to elaborate on this statement, and then decide against it. She opens the door and points to a black bin bag lying on the floor. 

"Everything's in there. It's just been sitting at the bottom of my wardrobe since last year. I haven't been through it or anything," she adds hastily, and I see something other than dislike in her eyes for a change.

"I didn't think you would have," I assure her. "Thank you for keeping it safe all this time." 

She nods sagely, and opens her mouth as though she's about to say something before quickly closing it again. I bend down and pick up the bin bag.

"You know, I'd really like us to call a truce," I offer as I straighten up. "I don't want to be at war with you. And it would be really nice not to feel awkward every time our paths cross. I mean, you don't have to like me or anything, but it would be good if we could be civil, at least." 

She nods again. "I can do civil. Just don't hurt Jess again and we'll be fine." 

"I'm not going to hurt Jess," I reply, my tone a little harder than I intend. I'm trying not to feel irked at this superior attitude. "I love her, you know that." 

"Yeah, I do," she sighs, and then there is silence. I stand there awkwardly, unsure whether she is going to add anything to this, but after about five very long seconds it's clear she has said all she is going to so I take a deep breath.

"Well, thanks again for giving me all of this stuff." I hold the bag up and wiggle it. "And for your help with getting her photos and stuff from her icloud. I - and she will too - really appreciate it." 

"It's fine. Just make it an anniversary to remember. You seem pretty good at big romantic gestures, so I'm sure she'll love it." 

I'm not sure if this is sarcastic or a compliment. It's so hard to tell with her tone of voice being so deadpan. 

"And you'll find a way to get her there on the day?" I confirm.

"Yup. Just let me know the exact timings and I'll make sure she's there." 

I leave Callie's flat with mixed emotions. I get the feeling that she still strongly dislikes me, so I have no idea why she is helping me with these anniversary plans. The suspicious part of me wonders if she is planning some kind of sabotage, but surely she isn't that psychotic? And if she is, she must know that Jess wouldn't take kindly to an attempt to ruin my plans on purpose? 

I ponder this all the way back home, and later in the afternoon while going through the bag of One Direction merch. At the bottom of it all is my old Green Bay hoodie which I remove and throw straight into the washing machine as I have no idea when it was last washed. I make sure it is dried and folded back in the bin bag with everything else, and stowed at the back of one of my drawers before Jess returns home from work that evening. The last thing I want is her stumbling across this stuff before the big day. 

I'm careful not to mention anything over the next few days about the date, the time of year, or make any reference to the length of time we have been together and to my surprise, Jess says nothing either. I've been half expecting some mention of it, and actually start to wonder whether I have definitely got the right date. I even check back in my phone calendar to the date we flew back into Heathrow in March 2015 but I'm correct. 

"Have you got any plans for the weekend while I'm away?" I ask innocently on Thursday morning as she is eating a piece of toast in the kitchen before she leaves for work and I leave to go to Mum's. 

"No, nothing yet. I might see Callie on Saturday night but we haven't arranged anything concrete. I haven't heard from her much this week." 

"You should text her," I suggest. "See if she's free. Go out for drinks or something." 

"Yeah, I'll speak to her today," she answers, looking a little downcast. 

I check in with Callie via text in the afternoon once I've arrived at Mum's, but am concerned to discover she hasn't made any plans with Jess yet. I don't want to seem pushy, but I'm nervous she'll end up having a night on the sofa in her pyjamas and won't appreciate being dragged out of the house. 

Chill, comes Callie's reply. I was going to text her tonight. If I start planning a night out too early in the week she'll smell a rat. I don't think she'll want to be holed up alone on the day she first met you. I think she'll text me first but don't worry, I'll make sure everything goes to plan. 

"Everything OK?" Mum asks, setting a cup of tea down in front of me at the kitchen table. 

"Just making sure my anniversary plans go to, er, plan," I answer. 

"So when exactly is your anniversary?" she asks. 

"Well, Saturday is one year exactly since we first met," I tell her. "Remember when I came up here during our tour break at the beginning of March?" 

"Of course I do," she smiles. "You'd only just met her. You got photographed leaving your place with her the next morning and you were worried she might have sold her story to the press. And you were still a bit confused over your feelings for Nadine." 

I nod, amused that Mum can remember these details. "Very good. Although that feels like a million years ago now." 

"It certainly feels like Jess has been in your life for longer than a year," she agrees. "She feels like one of the family." 

I smile at this. It's good to know Mum feels this way, although I never doubted it really. She's always been vocal about how much she likes Jess. 

"So come on, tell me about this big anniversary surprise you have planned," she urges, and so I fill her in. She suggests I allow myself to be spotted while I am here, preferably on Saturday morning before I leave, not only for Jess's benefit so she will think I am still here with Mum, but also to buy me a day's privacy when I get back home. 

I enjoy two quiet days with Mum and Robin, punctuated by a catch up with some friends at Belle Epoque in Knutsford where I am spotted, photographed and posted on their Twitter account. I spend much of my time finalising my plans for Saturday via phone and text, and then take a quick journey into Holmes Chapel village on Saturday around lunchtime to allow myself to be caught by some fans. I smile happily as I pose for photos and pray that at least one of them will find their way onto social media in the next couple of hours. 

Callie has confirmed she and Jess have plans for "drinks" later, and I zip down the motorway smiling to myself and singing along to the radio at full volume all the way. I have transferred her One Direction things into a large gift bag and have the slide show of photos and text messages on my laptop in the boot. I head to Grimmy's house first, for a shower and to get changed into the black skinny jeans and blue shirt I bought especially for tonight, and about five o'clock we both head to the house in Primrose Hill. There is already a small sound system being set up for Ellie Goulding to sing our song, and Josh, the host, is overseeing the unpacking of various type of glasses, plates, drinks and food. (I have also arranged for professional cleaners to attend the following morning to give the full house a deep clean.) 

"You nervous?" Grimmy asks as I help set out the glasses on a large table in the kitchen, checking in the box that the bottle of cherry brandy I ordered has arrived. It has. 

"A bit," I admit. "I'm now wondering if all this is way too over the top, and she'll wonder why I'm such a weirdo." 

"Nah, chicks love all this romantic soppy stuff," he assures me. "And you know you love being all romantic and soppy. It's win-win. As long as you don't do anything crazy like propose to her... oh my God you're not going to propose to her are you?" he practically squeals.

"What? No! Of course not! Don't be ridiculous," I hiss. "And keep your voice down or it'll be all over the papers by the morning." 

"I just wouldn't put it past you, that's all," he grins. "I've seen you smitten before, but this is a whole new level even for you." 

"Yeah yeah," I mutter. "Shut up and help me sort these plates out." 

The time both flies and drags as the house is set up for Jess's arrival. Calvin and Maddie arrive about seven o'clock,  Maddie totally starstruck by Ellie Goulding's presence as she sound checks the microphone. A few more friends arrive, some of mine, some of Jess's and lots of Grimmy's who were here last time, and that I trust not to post pictures online. After greeting everyone I open up my laptop and get the slideshow ready to play, and slide the gift bag under the table by the stairs. People start arriving and I can feel a nervous sweat breaking out as I check my phone every five seconds for Callie's tip off that they are on their way. 

It finally comes: Just about to pick Jess up from your house. 

I am on pins watching discreetly out of the window, staring into the darkness, and my phone buzzes with another text from Callie. Less than a minute away.

"They're here," I tell Grimmy, my heart thumping painfully in my chest. I signal to the DJ to start playing Uptown Funk, as this was the song that was playing when I caught my first glimpse of Jess. He turns the music up a notch and the level of conversational noise rises. I'm glad of this as it takes the attention away from me. I imagine Jess paying the cab driver, I imagine the sound of shoes on gravel, I wonder if she has cottoned on to the fact that this is the same place we met exactly a year ago today. 

My heart gives a huge leap as the doorbell rings and I take my place by the arm of the sofa, as near to where I can remember standing exactly one year ago today. I take a deep breath as Josh walks down the hall to open the front door. 

Here we go. 

---***--- 

Happy Saturday! Although I'm only posting Chapter 88 tonight, I'm further ahead with the writing of the book and only have four more chapters to write to complete the series. The written chapters all need revising and editing before posting though so I'll be back again soon with the next update xx