(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 81. There's Nothing I'm Running From)

The following week is hectic. I have to send a brief taped audition to Christopher Nolan in advance of my official audition, which is probably one of the most daunting things I've ever done. Usually when I'm on camera I'm just being me, Harry. I might be performing on stage, but the general pratting about with the others and engaging with the audience is all me - it's never scripted. But performing for the camera as someone else, and not only that, someone I don't even know (I've been given no script, no backstory, no information about which role I am auditioning for) is a completely different ball game. Jeff assures me my piece is great, and although I don't want to watch it back I know I must if I am going to get used to seeing myself play a part on screen. I need to be able to critique myself objectively and look for ways to improve; I'll never be able to do that if I don't watch my performances back.

The audition itself is the opposite of what I am expecting. When thinking about film production I have always assumed grandeur, effects, people milling around and realistic sets. The reality is me sitting alone in a small, empty room with no heating, with no idea what is expected of me, and I can only describe the sense of relief when another guy walks in from another door and takes a seat on a plastic chair next to me.

"You here for the audition too?" he asks.

"Yeah, I am," I answer, holding my hand out to shake his. "I'm Harry."

"Fionn," he answers. "Excuse the way I look - I'm in the middle of shooting something right now and they've let me out for an hour to come and do this." 

It would be rude to look him up and down so I deliberately avoid it. I don't want to look haughty or anything. 

"So do you know which part you're auditioning for?" he asks me.

"Um, no," I reply, feeling very much like the new boy on my first day at school. "I haven't been told anything." I want to ask if this is normal, but don't want to show myself up or highlight my own inexperience.

"Me neither," he says. "They're keeping their cards very close to their chest on this one. I've had no script or anything. I don't know what type of role it is, what the character is like, or how they want me to play it. I'm completely in the dark."

"Same," I nod, a little more at ease now. If this guy has been told nothing too then that is surely a good sign. Or maybe it's a bad sign for us both. It's probably better if I don't overthink this. 

When I am finally called through into a small room, I catch sight of Christopher Nolan at the back in the shadows. I introduce myself, unsure whether to make a point of greeting Chris. He stays silent so I follow his lead and concentrate solely on the audition, although it is unnerving knowing he is watching from the far end of the room and saying nothing. When I come out I call Jeff and bend his ear for ten minutes about whether all of this sounds normal - he tells me that while it is unusual, each director has their own unique way of going about these things and I shouldn't obsess about it because I won't find out anything for ages. According to Jeff they have literally thousands of people to see. This deflates me a little, although it helps keep me grounded. I know my name alone creates headlines and so if by some miracle I actually land this part, I'd like to be able to say I beat thousands of people to get it. Sounds better than them hiring me because they think it'll be good publicity. I want to be known for working hard, being good and having talent. Not buying my way to what I want. 

I push the audition to the back of my mind and focus on the next few days. I view a couple more houses with Mum and Robin, but none of them are as nice as the first one I saw, for which I have the second viewing booked with Jess. I sign my new contract with Full Stop Management, popping a cork with my family and the Azoffs to mark the occasion. And of course, it is Jeff's birthday party which I have been looking forward to for a while as it will be a nice opportunity to catch up with friends and get drunk and silly. It's also the first time I'll see Kendall since the yacht disaster over New Year. As it turns out, she isn't feeling well and so although we have a quick chat at the bar she comes to find me an hour or so later to say she's leaving already and hopes we might be able to catch up another time. She doesn't even stay long enough to hear my Birthday Roast (that I would love to say I spent hours working on but in reality I threw together in under an hour) which goes down well and has everyone laughing - always a relief. 

I leave the party with Mum and Robin in the small hours and fall in to bed happy after a good night out and looking forward to seeing Jess tomorrow. Although I can't help wondering whether this is the last time she'll visit me while I'm in this house. If all goes well we might be living in a new one in a few months' time. She'll be especially excited that I've bought her some cherry scented shower gel to keep here for when she comes over.

Cherry ice cream, cherry coke, cherry shower gel... the girl's obsessed, I think to myself. I should start calling her Cherry as a joke. I could even write a song about it! Or maybe I'm only giggling uncontrollably at this idea because I'm ridiculously drunk and need to get some sleep. I'm pretty sure that's it. 

~~~

I'm expecting a worse hangover in the morning, but I'm pleasantly surprised. Although my head feels a little sensitive I don't feel ill, just tired after going to bed late and I plan to enjoy a quiet and lazy day in front of the TV. However, it is punctuated by two unwelcome things:

The first is speculation in the media that the reason Kendall left Jeff's party early was because she was upset about me being unfaithful to her in London with Pandora. (Honestly, where do they get this shit? There are so many inaccuracies in this non-story, it's hard to keep track.)

The second is a text from Megan Smith, the air hostess who made a pass at me in the summer whilst we were on the private jet. Or rather, it is a picture. A picture that leaves only a little to the imagination. I do a double take when it pops up on my screen and almost drop my phone in shock. She is taking the picture herself and clearly has nothing on her top half, although thankfully she has covered her chest with her arms so nothing is actually visible. The message accompanying the picture reads: Thinking about you. Wanna meet up? ;)

Shit. I'm pretty sure I told her about Jess when she made a pass at me last time. In fact, I know I did. I need to shut this down before it goes any further or anything gets taken out of context. I contemplate deleting the message and the picture but then decide I will need to show it to Jess just to cover my own back so that she can see I played no part in this. It takes me a minute to decide how to word it and I settle on this: Megan, I've got a girlfriend. Please don't send me stuff like this, it isn't appropriate.

I press send before I can overthink it, and a few minutes later I can see she has read the message. She doesn't reply. 

Ugh. I really don't want to have to bring this up with Jess and ruin an evening, but I know from experience that not mentioning something important like this is a recipe for disaster. But more than anything else, I'm annoyed with Megan for putting me in this position where I have to deal with this. 

~~~

Mum and Robin stay at home that evening and make dinner while I sit in the back of a car all the way to LAX to meet Jess, and I remain in the back, hidden behind tinted windows, while the driver gets out and puts her bags in the boot and I hear the sound of a few cameras clicking. They obviously haven't realised who she is or who I am, because the clicking isn't frenzied and there are no excited shouts. As Jess climbs into the backseat I try to keep myself hidden but the paparazzi obviously realised a second too late what is going on and immediately the flashing starts, just as she closes the door. 

Before I can say a word she leans towards me and plants a massive kiss on my lips as we're just starting to drive off. I'm so shocked by this that I pull back in surprise, blinking. 

"Lucky for you the windows are flash-proof," I tease her, expecting that she would be horrified to learn she might have compromised our privacy. Her reaction shocks me further.

"Are they?" she frowns.

I frown too, nonplussed. "Yeah - that's how I got away with being in the back unnoticed. I didn't think you'd want the world to know you'd arrived in LA."

"I don't," she says, but it's so unconvincing that I'm even more confused. 

"Wait - did you want us to be seen just then?" I ask.

"No," she scoffs. "Of course not." Then, after a beat, "I guessed they would be darkened windows."

She's fibbing. I know she is - I can tell by her tone and the way her eyes won't meet mine. I'm pretty sure that for a second back there she wanted us to be seen, and now she's questioning her own actions and is just as confused by them as I am. Could this mean... could this mean, at long last, that she is starting to resent the sneaking around and is ready for the world to know about us? It's a thrilling yet terrifying thought.

I slip my hands into hers and she finally meets my gaze. "Miss me?" I ask, flashing her a cheeky, toothy smile. I'm trying to be cute. I hope it's working.

"Of course," she smiles. "This last week has dragged impossibly without you."

God, she's beautiful. I pull her towards me, needing to feel her lips on mine again. "I've missed you too. I've been counting down the days until you arrived. Are you tired?"

She tries to conceal a yawn. "Yeah. I tried not to sleep too much on the flight."

"You can go straight to bed when we get home if you want," I suggest, and she squeezes my thigh in response. 

"Oh baby yeah," she whispers.

"Hey, that's my line," I protest, although I'm not complaining. Straight to bed to get naked is always the best option.

"Take it up with my solicitor," she shrugs, pulling me closer and kissing me harder. 

"Someone's sassy," I murmur as her body presses against me suggestively, sending a delicious twinge to my groin. "I can't wait to get you home." 

I'd momentarily forgotten that Mum was making dinner so my plan to take her straight upstairs and kiss every inch of her body is foiled as soon as we walk in the door. 

"Are you ready to eat?" Mum asks brightly once the greetings are out of the way.

"Ooh, yes please," Jess beams. "I'm absolutely starving. I had a small dinner on the flight and that feels like hours ago."

"Take a seat and I'll bring it through," Mum says, hurrying into the kitchen and ushering us through to the table. Robin dishes up as Mum pours us all wine and we chat about Jeff's birthday party last night. 

"How did the speech go?" Jess asks.

"The roast?" I ask. "It's what they call it over here when you take the piss out of someone in that context," I explain when she looks at me blankly. "And yeah, it went well. I just sort of went with the flow. I jotted a few ideas down beforehand and sort of freestyled it. I didn't want to write it all down and sound wooden."

"Everyone loved it," Mum beams, looking at me and then at Jess. "It was very funny. You make a good comedian, Harry."

"Singer, actor, comedian," Robin teases. "Is there anything you can't do?"

"I'm not an actor yet," I remind them.

"Just wish you'd stop being so brilliant," Robin continues, winking at Jess. "You're making the rest of us look bad."

"Oh stop it," I smile goodnaturedly. "You're all wonderful, you know that."

"It was lovely seeing everyone," Mum smiles fondly. "It was great to see all of the Azoffs. It's been a while since I saw the whole family."

"I see everyone made a big deal out of Kendall leaving the party early," I remark, rolling my eyes at Jess.

"What do you mean?" she asks.

"She wasn't feeling well, so she didn't stay long," I explain. "But the rumour is that she left because she was upset, and we're on the rocks after my fling - " I draw air quotes - "with Pandora." 

Jess's smile doesn't quite reach her eyes. "So everyone still thinks you and Kendall are together?" 

I shrug, trying to play this down. Especially as I have the Megan bombshell to drop later. "Who knows? Anyone close to Kendall wouldn't believe for a second that she would tolerate infidelity."

"Apparently that's just me," Jess snaps.

Hold on - what? Did she just... was that a bitchy comment aimed at my infidelity with Sara? 

I feel heat rising in my cheeks. I can't believe she's brought this up at the dinner table in front of Mum and Robin, and from the silence around the table, neither can they.

"Oh - God," Jess chokes. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean... I wasn't referring to... to that... I just -"

Her stumbling and trying to recover is somehow worse than the original comment. 

"It's fine," I mutter.

"No, it's not, that came out all wrong! I didn't mean you and Sara -"

I drop my fork at the mention of her name out loud and stand up, pushing my chair back noisily. "Anyone want another drink?" I offer. I turn away, not wanting to look at her. I feel embarrassed and humiliated. 

"Harry," she pleads from the table behind me. "Please... that isn't what I meant. It isn't."

I don't reply, fumbling instead in the drawer for a corkscrew to open another bottle of wine.

"So, what have you two got planned this week?" Mum asks.

I say nothing, reluctant to join in with the small talk, my cheeks literally smarting from Jess's words.

"I, um, I don't know," Jess flounders behind me. "Have you got any plans?"

"Well, I think Harry's planning a low-key meal for his birthday, with all of us and a few friends," Mum says brightly.

"Sounds good," Jess offers, with no real enthusiasm. 

I can feel her eyes on me as I return to the table and we pick over the remains of the meal. My appetite is gone and I just want to be left alone to brood over Jess's comment. When Mum finally stands up to clear the table I stand up too, carrying my own plate over to the sink and wondering how I can make an excuse to get away from everyone for the rest of the evening. I feel sick that she threw Sara at me out of the blue like that. Mum, however, has other ideas. She appears at my side and removes the plate from my hands. "I think you need to talk to Jess," she instructs.

I look up as Jess approaches me cautiously, twisting her fingers together. I lead her out of the kitchen and into the lounge with resignation and stand awkwardly with my arms folded, unable to look her in the eye.

"I'm so sorry," she apologises in a small voice. "I didn't mean that as a dig at you, I swear."

"What did you mean then?" I demand.

"I meant that if you're supposedly having a fling with Pandora it would therefore be me tolerating infidelity, not Kendall," she explains patiently. "Because I'm your girlfriend, not her. But it isn't even infidelity, because it didn't happen."

Oh. That actually makes sense. 

"Harry, I would never bring that stuff up and use it against you in that way," she says, her tone soft and sincere. "Surely you know that."

Fuck. 

"I do know that," I admit with a sigh, feeling stupid and paranoid and stressed and like a bit of a prick. "It just took me by surprise, that's all. It's the one thing I regret most in my whole life. I wasn't expecting it to be brought up at dinner in front of my mum."

"It wasn't," she argues, her hands on her hips. "You brought up the fact that the whole world thinks you're in a relationship with your ex, and that you're some kind of serial cheater, unable to resist any pretty female who crosses your path!"

Her frown is suddenly so deeply ingrained in her forehead it looks as though someone has drawn it on.

"No pretty females cross my path," I argue back, in a gentler tone than hers. "No one compares to you, in any way. I am not in a relationship with my ex, and I am not cheating on anyone, because I am in love with you." I remove her hands from her hips and bring them around my waist instead. She gives an acquiescent sigh and closes her eyes.

"I know," she mutters. "I'm sorry for snapping at you. And I'm sorry for making you think I was bringing up the past."

"I'm sorry for throwing a strop over it," I counter, kissing her softly on the lips. "I know you wouldn't rake all that up again. Just ignore me, I was being oversensitive."

Look at us being all mature and talking through our problems! I'm about to say this out loud but I notice the tension in her shoulders as she turns her face away and rests her cheek on my chest. I have a horrible feeling she is fighting back tears.

"Baby, what's this really all about?" I whisper. "You've been weird about the Pandora story since the beginning. You say you're OK, but I don't believe you."

When she doesn't answer I let go of her and tuck my finger under her chin, lifting her head towards me.

"I don't like it," she mutters, her cheeks pink.

"Don't like what?" 

"I don't like people saying you hooked up with Pandora. I'm not directing this at you, but I hate the idea of the rest of the world thinking she had you, when she didn't - you were with me." She takes a deep breath. "And now you tell me they're saying Kendall left Jeff's party early because she's so distraught over you cheating on her. But you didn't. And she isn't even your girlfriend - I am!" She's working herself up now. She steps back from me, her face turning redder by the second and her anger clearly mounting. "Everyone's gossiping about you like you're public property, like it's their right to comment, to speculate, to have an opinion on your love life, and all I want to do is set them straight, and shout from the top of the nearest mountain that every single one of them is wrong, because you are my boyfriend, and if anyone should be jealous about all these rumours, it's ME!"

She shouts the last word with such vehemence that I feel my eyes widening. I recall her weird behaviour in the car at the airport, and this all fits in with my earlier theory.

"And are you jealous?" I ask, unable to keep the smile from breaking on my lips.

"YES!" she shouts. "Yes, I am jealous! I feel sick at the thought of you with someone else, and it didn't even happen! It's getting so fucking repetitive, Harry! And at first I found it amusing, that the whole world was fooled, and we could sneak around without anyone really knowing about us properly, but now..."

She pauses, seemingly unable to form the right words.

"Now what?" I grin.

"Now, I don't want them thinking you're with Kendall, or Pandora, or anyone else."

"And you want to shout from the rooftops that I'm with you?" 

"Yes!" she practically bellows. "Yes, I do! I'm tired of it, of all of it. I'm tired of hiding away, I'm tired of pretending that we're just friends, I'm tired of not being able to hold your hand and kiss you in public in case someone sees. I want everyone to know that you're mine, and mine only."

Her hands are raking through her hair, when they're not gesticulating wildly.

"Well," I grin. "Finally."

This stops her in her tracks. "What do you mean, finally?" 

"I mean, I've been wanting us to go public for months," I reply, simply, my stomach fluttering with a mixture of nerves and excitement. "Everything you've just said, about telling the world about us, about shutting everyone up... did you mean it?" 

She considers this for a moment, looking away to the side, still breathing deeply from her explosion of frustration, and then looks up at me suddenly, her face set.

"Yes. Yes, I did mean it. I do mean it. I'm ready to go public." She hesitates for a second, and then adds, "If.. if you are."

I need to make sure this is the right decision. I need to make sure she knows exactly what she is getting herself into.

"Are you doing this for the right reasons?" I check.

"I don't know," she sighs. "Define 'right reasons.'"

"I don't want you doing this because you feel you have to," I elaborate. "Or because you feel backed into a corner by the media, or because you're angry about these stories being written about me. It shouldn't be a knee-jerk reaction. Once it's done, it can never be undone."

She thinks about this for a second. "I admit I am angry about the stories," she admits. "But this has been coming for a while now. I mean, we talked about it before Christmas, and we said we would wait until the time is right. Well, now it feels right. To me, anyway. Does it feel right to you?"

"I've wanted this since last summer," I remind her. "But..." (I can't believe I'm about to say this, in case I put her off, but I can't have her jumping into this without looking at it from all angles, especially ones that might make her look bad.) "I want you to consider how this will be perceived right at this moment. In the world's eyes: I was with Nadine last Christmas, hooked up with a fan on tour in February, hooked up with you in March, hooked up with another girl straight after while I was still on tour, before you took me back. Then I cheated on you with Sara, so you and I broke up, I then hooked up with Georgia Fowler before jumping into a relationship with Kendall this Christmas and New Year, hooked up with Pandora only last week, and then I go public with you?" Christ, it sounds even worse when I say it all out loud. "You will face a barrage of speculation, assumptions and probably public disgust," I tell her. "Are you ready to handle all of that, just for loving me?"

"Yes, I am," she answers. "Because it will be the truth for a change; rather than more lies pretending I'm not involved with you. I know the truth behind every girl you've just mentioned, and unless there is anyone else that might come out of the woodwork that I don't know about, I'm forearmed to deal with it. Is there anyone else?" 

I'm about to answer no, of course not, and then I remember Megan and her stupid picture message earlier. I can't believe I have to bring this up now. It's going to look like I wasn't going to tell her... oh God.

"Harry?" she prompts.

"Actually, there is something I need to tell you," I begin.

---***--- 

I've been listening to Four this last week, and hearing No Control again has inspired me so much and put me back in the writing zone! It's crazy to think it's been nearly eight and a half years since that album was first released. I hope you enjoy this update, and I'll do my best to get another one edited and published next weekend xx