(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 70 - The Greatest Team That The World Has Ever Seen)

My Saturday consists of a lazy morning with Jess, a lunchtime workout with my friends Mark and Cal and an afternoon of decorating Jess's Christmas tree at her flat and helping her wrap her Christmas presents. It's days like these that are my favourites. Don't get me wrong, I love travelling the world and performing to sold out stadiums, but after five years of this non-stop whirlwind I've learnt to appreciate the quiet moments spent with loved ones and the simple enjoyment of doing something normal just like everyone else.

As I'm being driven to the SSE Arena in Wembley early Sunday afternoon ahead of our last ever performance at the X Factor Final as One Direction (for a good while, at least) I am struck with an overwhelming sense of sadness at leaving this part of my life behind indefinitely, with such an open expanse ahead. I feel as though I have counted down to this moment for a long time, and now it's almost here I find myself wishing the minutes wouldn't pass so quickly, and wanting to relish every last second of being one quarter, once one fifth, of One Direction. My mind wanders to Zayn, and whether he felt this way prior to his departure. I wonder how long he was thinking about leaving, and whether he counted down the days to the moment he broke away, or if it was just a snap decision to leave there and then. I feel sad that he isn't here to be part of this final performance that is to be celebrated and enjoyed. He was part of One Direction just like the rest of us, and all that drama seems so long ago now, and so much water has passed under the bridge. Not for the first time, I wish he had shared how he had been feeling so that we could have helped him.

On impulse I pull out my phone and type a quick text to him. Hi mate. Hope you're ok. Gonna be strange tonight looking back over the past 5 years without you there with us. No hard feelings from my end. Take care of yourself, and if you ever wanna catch up just drop me a text. H x

I don't know if he'll reply, or if this is still even his number. I stow my phone away as the car arrives at the arena. As soon as I walk into the green room Niall gives me a fistbump, followed by a hug which immediately brings a strange lump to my throat. 

"Bit emotional all this, isn't it," I mutter, and he nods solemnly as he sits back down on the sofa, his knees jiggling jerkily. It isn't long before Louis arrives, followed shortly after by Liam. The ITV production team flit in and out, along with our own crew, everyone seemingly jittery and hyper, excited yet nervous for the last time we will ever do this. 

Simon Cowell comes in to see us as soon as he arrives, and gives us all a hug in turn as he tells us just how proud he is of all that we've achieved, and says his door is always open to work with us in the future, should any of us want to. "I'm hoping at least one of you will return as a judge on a future series," he smiles, his eyes twinkling, and we all laugh. "I'm serious," he insists. "And that goes for solo performances, too. You four are always welcome here. This is your second home, ok?"

We all nod, smiling at each other, and murmur our thanks. I can only imagine performing on stage on my own, and the idea of returning to this stage, where our careers started, without the others by my side, feels terrifying and exciting at the same time. I want to do so many things during this break, and keep wavering between wanting to take on the world, and wanting to hide myself away in case I flop. Thankfully the moments of wanting to hide away are few and far between, and are becoming less and less as time passes. Knowing I have such a strong support network from my family, friends and Jess, is spurring me on immensely.

As more people arrive, including the X Factor hosts Olly Murs and Caroline Flack, judges Rita Ora, Cheryl and Grimmy, and our own hair and makeup team including Lou Teasdale and Lottie Tomlinson, the fever and excitement around us begins to mount. As Grimmy appears at my side and gives me a high five I catch sight of Jess shyly entering the room with Gemma, and I beam at her, a sudden fluttering in my stomach that has nothing to do with performance nerves. I beckon her over, trying not to stare at her so blatantly but jeez, she looks amazing. How can someone just exude grace, and class? Even when she's clumsy, she's graceful. How is that even a thing?

"You look incredible," I breathe in her ear. "Come and meet Simon. I want to show you off."

I can tell by the way she nods jerkily that she is nervous, and I can also tell she in concentrating hard on not wobbling in her heels as she walks at my side over to Simon. I know him well enough to recognise when he is impressed by someone, and the way she smiles at him as they shake hands, and the graceful way she leans in to him as they kiss cheeks is just so.... right. I know she worries about how to fit in to the celebrity world, but watching her like this as she chats with him, laughing at his jokes and tucking her hair shyly behind her ear, just emanates class. I don't know how she can't see it. She's a natural.

Mum arrives a minute or so later, followed not long after by Grimmy sidling over to us to say hi. Jess looks relieved at the familiar friendly faces, and I'm not worried when I get called away with the rest of the band for photos and interview before the show begins.

"Anyone heard from Zayn?" Liam murmurs as we line up for a group shot. Louis stays silent, Niall mutters a no, and I briefly explain my text that has so far gone unanswered, but I'm not sure where in the world Zayn in as the moment and whether he will even have seen the message.

The next hour passes in a whirl of a quick bite to eat, hair and make up (Lou is tearful, Lottie hyperactive) and before we know it we're waiting backstage while the X Factor live show is broadcast, on tenterhooks ready for the nod that signifies it is time to take our places ready for our last ever performance. The lights inside the arena on the stage are dimmed while Olly Murs announces us so we can scurry into place on the stage, and we watch the screens playing our introduction until the lights go up and the crowd in the arena roars, our intro to Infinity striking up behind us from our band. Apart from a couple of sound level issues (both Niall and Liam immediately pull their left ear pieces out when they come to sing) the performance goes without a hitch. Once again the crowd goes crazy as the song finishes; we hug each other briefly before standing in a line in front of the judges, a strange and nostalgic echo of where we first began this crazy journey as One Direction. Simon even refers to it as he thanks us for the last five years and introduces a short video from a few others wishing us well: Jack Whitehall, James Corden, Danny DeVito, David Beckham among them. 

And then we begin the final performance as One Direction, our single History, which has the crowd on its feet and my friends and family sobbing and hugging each other just behind the judges. I struggle to fight the swell of emotion as the notes die and Louis grabs me and Liam so the four of us can hug for the last time as the band.

"This is Us!" Liam declares, so only we can hear. "We'll always be One Direction, no matter where the future takes us. Love you boys."

"Love you all," we all echo, grabbing each other tightly and giving a quick jiggle before we break apart and reform our line, and Olly asks Liam how he is feeling. I look out across the crowd but my eye is immediately drawn to Jess next to Gemma, her face streaked with happy tears of pride. In the crowd of ten thousand, I only have eyes for her. I can't help smirking at her unbridled emotion, and as her eyes meet mine I pretend to wipe a tear away from the corner of my eye and she pokes her tongue out at me.

While the show cuts to a break we hang around for a minute to pose for photos with the judges before making our way off stage to wait for the end of the live broadcast so we can head to the afterparty at the Edition Hotel in Soho. We travel there together; Jess and the rest of my family arrive not long after. I can tell Jess is a bit starstruck, even after almost a year of being part of my circle, but that's one of the things I love so much about her. She's so down to earth, and after these last five years I know I need that grounding more than ever.

I'm just catching up with Selena Gomez when a guy appears at my side looking a little hesitant, and I turn to him and smile. 

"Excuse me," he says, "I'm sorry to interrupt."

"No problem," I smile. "I'm Harry." I hold my hand out to him and he shakes it firmly.

"I know," he says. "My name is Alex. We haven't met properly but I'm a photographer and I was working the night of your live show in Sheffield in October."

"Our last tour show?" I ask, wondering where this is going.

"That's right," he nods. "Look, I hope you don't think this is weird or anything, but I captured a few shots that night of you looking into the audience towards your family, and them looking back at you. Some of them are really great, and I wondered if you wanted to take a look at them?"

"Um, sure, yeah," I reply. "Do you have them with you?"

"Not on me, no. They're on my Mac," he replies. "Do you have an email address I can send them to?"

He takes down my business email address, and nods at me. "Cool, thanks. I'll whizz them over to you tomorrow. I hope you don't mind me approaching you like this. I didn't want to bother you."

"No problem. It was really nice to meet you," I smile. I mean, it's not like I'm short of photographs of myself, but this guy seems so genuine and there might be some nice shots of Jess as she was in the crowd that night. 

Selena has now disappeared and I catch sight of her across the room with her hand resting lightly on Niall's back, and I grin to myself. Further along, Liam and Cheryl are standing very close together, while Louis is now surrounded by a huge circle of people, consisting mostly of his family and mine. I weave my way through the crowd towards them, accepting a glass of champagne from a waiter's tray and one for Jess too, and slip quietly next to her, linking my pinkie with hers. She turns to smile at me.

"You having a good time?" I murmur in her ear as I hand her the champagne.

"The best," she grins. Her face is flushed and her eyes are sparkling, and it looks like her nerves have dissipated now. She looks comfortable and relaxed, laughing at a story Lottie is telling, with added notes from Lou, and for the remainder of the night she continues to exude poise, class and grace. Yet again I am amazed at how seamlessly she fits into my world, amongst my family and friends, as though she has always been there. As time goes on, I'm starting to wonder just what I would do without her.

---***---

Sorry this is a bit late! I was hoping to update last night  (Saturday night is always my aim) but instead we watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 1. I've been reading the series to my son, determined to turn him into a Potterhead like me, and each time we finish a book we watch that film. So we're on the last part of the Deathly Hallows book now!

I'll try and have another update ready for you for next Saturday night xx