(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 53 - Show Me You Care)

"Three and a half?!" Jess echoes, her eyebrows raised as she runs her hands over her face and smudges her eye make up. "You've written three and a half songs about me?"

Ha. If only she knew the real extent.

"Well, they're just the ones for our album, yeah," I reply. "I've been writing a lot of stuff over the summer. Some for One Direction, some for potential solo stuff. You've been a pretty heavy influence."

"Oh my God, Harry..." She stares out of the window, her eyes focussing on a point in the distance.

"I couldn't get you out of my head, so it makes sense you're in my songs," I mumble quickly, feeling more than a little exposed by this unexpected revelation of my songwriting.

"Can I hear the others?" she asks tentatively, and stupidly I feel shy and embarrassed at the thought of her hearing the depths of my heartbreak while we were apart.

"If you want," I shrug, as nonchalantly as I can.

"Of course I do!" she insists eagerly, and my heart warms at her enthusiasm. "I want to hear everything you write. Will I need to pull over again though? I am best waiting here while I listen to them?"

I smile in spite of myself. "The others aren't as sad as If I Could Fly. I think you'll be OK."

"What are they called?" she wants to know.

"Um, Olivia, and Walking In The Wind."

"Olivia?" She's confused, understandably.

"Yeah... it started off as 'Jessica', but, uh, it didn't exactly fit," I explain awkwardly. "You'll understand when you hear it." 

I hope.

"John - he's one of our songwriters -" I begin to elaborate, but I had momentarily forgotten whom I am talking to until she jumps in -

"I know who John Ryan is."

I can't help grinning as I roll my eyes at her and her One Direction knowledge. "Course you do. Well, he didn't think the name 'Jessica' worked, and we all agreed. Plus, you and I weren't together at the time - it was when you thought I'd been cheating on you with Taylor." Bad times. "We wrote it literally the day before I flew back home for the Big Weekend. I wasn't sure how you'd react if there was potentially a song on the album called 'Jessica', especially as you'd been struggling with the world knowing our business. It would have been as good as confirming our relationship."

"Wow," she chuckles, with a slight shake of her head.

"I still think 'Jessica' in my head when I sing it, though," I am quick to reassure her, as she starts the car again and backs out of the parking space, in case she is uncomfortable at the idea of me singing another girl's name - although Jess isn't exactly the type to care about things like that. 

I flick through the songs on my phone until I find Olivia, and hit play. Apart from changing every 'Olivia' to 'oh Jessica', to which she gives a nod and a smile of acknowledgement, I keep quiet to let her listen to the song. I don't think any of the other tracks I've written about her will cause an emotional breakdown like If I Could Fly, and she seems to enjoy the tempo and arrangement of Olivia. 

"I like it," she announces once the song comes to a close. "Was that the half-song you wrote, or the whole song?"

"The whole song. Walking In The Wind is about missing someone, but a lot of it was written by Julian. And John and Jamie co-wrote it, too." I glance over at her, raising my eyebrows and wondering unnecessarily if I need to explain who John and Julian are, but she gives a brief nod that I take to mean she knows. Of course she knows.

"I contributed a bit," I explain, referring to Walking In The Wind, "and some of it related to the way I missed you but I still had hope for us. I'd been struggling for a while on how to end the chorus, and then when we were saying goodbye in Cardiff, after we'd walked along the river and talked some stuff through, it came to me."

"What did?" 

"The line I'd been searching for," I tell her. "You'll see..." I scroll to the song and wait until the opening notes filter through the speakers.

Jess is quiet as the melody fills the car, and when it gets to the line Goodbyes are bittersweet, but it's not the end; I'll see your face again I clear my throat. "This is the part I mean. It came to me as we were saying goodbye. I was just struck by this overwhelming feeling that it wasn't the end for us, and I would see your face again. I vowed to myself at that moment to keep fighting for you, for us, until I fixed everything I had broken. And the lyrics fit with the tone and theme of the song; of losing a loved one, in any literal or figurative way."

Jess says nothing so I continue, my heart beating a little faster than normal as I prepare to bare another part of my soul to her.

"The title, Walking In The Wind, relates to the moment I realised I was in love with you. It was kind of inspired by the photo of you on my lock screen; that day we went for a walk along the River Dane. The wind blew your hair across your eyes; we were literally walking in the wind. So if you ever came looking for me and wanted me back, that's where you'd find me. Walking in the wind. Lost in my memory of you. Of us."

There is a pause, which I fill self-consciously by clearing my throat.

"You said it wouldn't make me cry!" she pouts, and as I glance over at her I can see her eyes are filled with tears again.

"I didn't plan on telling you about the title," I admit.

"I'm glad you did," she says, her voice shaking. "I just wish I'd stayed parked up so I could kiss you. It's beautiful. The lyrics, the title, everything. You're incredibly talented. Your songs are amazing."

"Thanks," I mutter, unable to keep the idiotic grin from spreading across my face. I catch sight of my reflection in the wing mirror: I look like a lovestruck buffoon.

Of course, Jess wants to listen to the rest of the tracks for the album, and of course I can't resist an opportunity to bask in her adoration so I give in, as she knows I will.

~~~~~

It's a hectic week, with an appearance at the Music Industry Trusts Awards the next day to present an award to Simon Cowell for his outstanding contribution to the music industry. There's a hairy moment on stage where Niall mutters a crude observation about my weekend with Jess that almost lets out a bubble of hysterical laughter that had been threatening to rise in my throat, but I manage to keep it under control in front of the camera and disguise it with a smirk, and smack his bony arse the minute we leave the stage causing his own maniacal cackle to resound all the way along the corridor.

Backstage Niall and Louis try to convince me and Liam to join them on a night out in the city: they have plans to visit Cirque Le Soir nightclub and are obviously looking for fellow mischief makers, but both Liam and I politely decline. Liam, although I don't think he would admit it, needs some rest and relaxation, and I'm hoping to see Jess tomorrow and don't want either the hassle of being papped drunk outside a nightclub (it was a catastrophic disaster last time that happened) or to be hungover tomorrow, feel like shit and ruin my evening with her.

Of course, this leads to a ten-minute-long piss-take from Niall and Louis about how I'm whipped, and under the thumb, and a pathetic loser, all of which I take in good spirits as they are all, of course, correct.

I know Jess has plans with Callie on Wednesday and although I have been considering texting Callie again about Jess's One Direction memorabilia that she salvaged, I decide against any contact for now - I don't want to cause any friction or atmosphere between them, and I also could do without any rude responses from Callie.

I have a lengthy discussion with my mum on the phone on Thursday, initially making plans regarding going up to see her at the weekend for the Holmes Chapel bonfire and somehow ending up discussing my relationship with Jess while I potter around in the kitchen and make a cup of tea.

"You seem so much happier," she remarks, and I can hear the smile in her voice as she speaks. "Your voice is lifted and upbeat. You haven't sounded so cheerful in such a long time."

"I am happy," I tell her, truthfully. "I feel as though everything has finally fallen into place. I feel relaxed and carefree. The knot in my stomach has gone - I hadn't even realised it was there. I can't believe how low I was until I came back up again."

"I've been so worried about you," she sighs. "I can't tell you how relieved I am that you're happy, sweetheart. I hope things work out for you and Jess, however you want them to."

"I think we've learnt the hard way that above all, we just need to be completely open with each other," I admit. "But I still worry that the media storm will knock her confidence one day, and we'll be back to square one."

There is a pause on the other end of the phone. "What do you mean, the media storm?" Mum asks.

"Well, it's bound to go stratospheric once we go public," I explain. "We both need to be fully prepared for the attention it will bring us."

"I didn't know you were planning on going public anytime soon," Mum replies after another pause, and I can hear the surprise in her voice.

"Well," I reason, "Not like next week or anything. But hopefully soon. I'm so tired of being on high alert every time I'm around Jess. I don't want to be on edge all the time. I want to enjoy this relationship. I want to be able to relax and be myself, just like any other twenty one year old. And I want to show her off to the world. I want everyone to know I'm hers, and she's mine. I don't want to hide her away. She deserves better."

"Yes, I completely understand your feelings..."

There's a 'but' coming. I can hear it. I can sense it. Wait for it... 

"But -" 

There it is! 

"-don't you think it's wise to take things slowly, and enjoy being together again before you take any gigantic steps that will change your life forever? Once you've allowed the public a peek into your private world, that door will always be open. The pictures can't be unshared, the articles can't be unwritten, the tweets from jealous fans can't be unseen. I don't want anything to spoil your happiness, which is why I want you to think so so carefully about any decisions like this. Talk them over together, speak to Karen, ask Louis and Liam - they've both had public romances and experienced public break ups. Make sure you're one hundred percent sure before you take such a lifechanging leap."

"To be fair, it's usually me who spoils my happiness," I mutter, feeling annoyed at this logical and sensible point of view my mum's just presented to me. "I'm the one who wrecks the relationship. I'm the one who publicly fucks up. I wonder how different it would have been if the world had known about my relationship with Jess before... you know. Before New York."

"The world knew enough to speculate and guess for the most part correctly," Mum reminds me.

"Yeah, but we'd never confirmed it, did we? And Jess just walked away."

"You think she would have reacted differently if you'd been in a public relationship?" Mum asks.

"No... I don't know. Maybe..." I rub my face with my free hand, hating myself for realising that part of me wants to go public with Jess because it might make her think twice about walking away from me in the future. What kind of person does that make me, for wanting her to feel pressured to make a relationship work? Don't answer that. "I have to go, Mum."

It's a lie. I don't have to go. But this conversation has taken a turn down the path of self analysis that I really didn't want to go. We ring off with the promise that I'll see her on Friday night, and to take my mind off my own thoughts I head upstairs to plan what to take with me this weekend.

~~~

I pick Jess up from work at five pm on Friday and head north towards Watford to pick up the M1. We stop for Petrol, and as I'm paying at the kiosk I catch sight of a familiar movement out of the corner of my eye that I recognise immediately as someone taking a photo of me. Believe me, without sounding conceited, it happens so often I can spot it from miles away. I turn my head and instantly my gaze falls on a guy on the forecourt snapping away on a fancy camera from beside a pump. Fuck. If they've seen me, there's a chance they've seen Jess in my car. 

I walk briskly back to my car, shut the door, start the engine and pull out of the forecourt while I'm still fastening my seatbelt.

"What's the rush?" Jess frowns.

"Someone's just been taking photos of me as I went to pay."

"Who? Paps or fans?"

"I think a pap, but it was fairly low-key. I didn't recognise him."

"Do you usually?" she enquires.

"Most of the time," I reply. "You get to know the same faces."

"Do you think they saw me?" 

"I don't know," I admit, throwing her a cautious look. She shrugs nonchalantly.

"It's bound to happen at some stage. So I'm in your car. So what?"

I murmur noncommittally, my mind racing. She didn't seem perturbed by the idea of being seen, and that makes my heart pound. I try to put it out of mind as we crawl up the M1 in the Friday night traffic. Once we get on the M6 we make a stop at Corley services for a toilet break. 

I'm finished first (obviously) and while I'm waiting for Jess I peruse the Subway menu, my mouth watering at the thought of one of their sandwiches.

"I really fancy a foot long," I muse as she comes up behind me.

"Me too," she replies coyly, and I know without having to look at her that her mind has just wandered somewhere dirty.

"Are you flirting with me, Miss Bradshaw?"

"Whatever gave you that idea, Mr Styles?" she counters, with exaggerated innocence.

I lean closer to her and drop my voice an octave. "I've got a foot long over here for you."

"I've got that earmarked for dessert," she fires back without missing a beat, and immediately a feel a twitch in my pants.

"It really will be foot long if you carry on talking like that," I warn her under my breath.

"I don't know what you're referring to, but I am talking about a sandwich," she retorts in a self-righteous tone.

"Yeah, yeah, pull the other one," I tease, and then lean right against her so my lips brush her ear and add, "Please." 

I can tell I've rattled her now, because she can't think up anything clever to say back.

"What's with the innuendos?" she whispers.

"You started it," I point out. "With the foot long." And then we say in unison, "Don't start what you can't finish!"

"Come on," she grins, enclosing her fingers around my hand. "Let's get you your foot long."

We order at the counter and Jess insists on paying for mine, which I concede because I know she hates it when I don't let her pay for stuff. Once we've got our food she turns to leave - she's assuming we would eat in the car but I am feeling suddenly giddy after our flirty exchange and have a desire to be reckless.

"Jess?" I call after her, and she stops and turns. "Let's eat here."

"What if we're seen?" she asks nervously as she follows me to a table and takes a seat opposite me.

"There's not many people around," I shrug. "And I've just been pictured in London. But if you don't want to risk it, it's cool."

"No, it's fine," she says, in a voice that exudes more confidence than her expression.

"I can't wait for us to be able to go out in public and not care who's watching," I confess. "I want to be able to put my arm around you, and hold your hand, and kiss you, without constantly looking over my shoulder."

"I know, same," she replies with a soft sigh. "Maybe we could think about it in the new year?"

My heart skips several beats. "Really?" I take a large bite of my sub, watching her intently for her reaction.

"I mean, part of me just wants to throw caution to the wind and go public now," she says carefully. "But I suppose it's best to wait, like we said."

"Now?" I mumble around my food. "Like, right now?"

Oh my God. Is she for real?

"Well, maybe when you've finished your mouthful," she teases and I swallow quickly without chewing properly; a move I instantly regret. "Attractive," she teases.

"OK, so kiss me." 

Oh God, my voice sounds like a teenage boy. Not cool. 

"Here?" She looks terrified, but determined.

"Here," I confirm, unable to tear my gaze from hers.

It's like a game of chicken - who is going to call the other's bluff first?

Suddenly she's standing up and leaning over the table towards me and before I can even decide whether or not this is a good idea she has planted a soft kiss on my mouth. I really hope I don't have salami breath. It's over as soon as it's begun, and she sits down in her seat again and takes a bite of her own sandwich, only her trembling hands giving away the enormity of what she has just done.

She doesn't look at me straight away but an impulse is rising me so fast I can't fight it - I want to kiss her back and if she looks into my eyes I know I'll do it. Her eyes flick up to mine nervously and I push my chair back with a screech, lean forward with both my hands on the table and kiss her back, harder and with more determination. And then I sit back down, my legs actually shaking beneath the table, and let out a long and ragged breath.

"I fucking love you, Jessica Bradshaw."

She grins at me, her eyes betraying her excitement and nervousness as she glances quickly around the room before taking another bite of her sandwich and chewing thoughtfully.

"Well, there was one small flaw in the brilliant plan," she says eventually. "There's nobody even here."

I let out a bark of hysterical laughter that I immediately rein in. "Probably just as well. Karen would have kittens if this got out before she'd had chance to prepare."

"Just for the record," she adds, her voice now a whisper, "I fucking love you too, Harry Styles."

"I know you do," I whisper back, my insides wriggling like a bunch of worms. "I know."

"And I can't wait for the day we do this properly," she continues, still in an undertone, "in front of a load of paps, or fans, or both. I can't wait for the world to know we're official."

I want to dance on the table top.

I settle instead for reaching for her hand and bringing it to my lips to kiss her soft skin.

"It means the world to me that you want that too," I tell her. "I know the baggage that comes with being in a relationship with me, and it makes me so happy that despite being on the receiving end of said baggage, you're here now."

"Of course I am. My favourite place in the whole world is -"

"In the arms of the person you love," I finish, and smile at the look of surprise on her face that I remember this little snippet of information she shared with me so many months ago. "I remember everything. Especially stuff like that. I'm so happy that person turned out to be me."

"Like anyone else would ever have stood a chance once I'd met you," she sighs. "No one could ever compare."

"There's a song in there somewhere," I tease her, with a wink. Like she hasn't already thought it herself.

"One of my favourites," she grins. "I can't believe we're having a soppy conversation like this at Corley services, of all places."

"It's called being spontaneous," I smile. "Something I can never usually be. Maybe that's why it's so exciting for me."

"It's exciting for me, too," she says earnestly. "Just being around you is exciting."

It's pretty amazing how something so straightforward and simple as a few nice words can literally make your whole day.

---***---

I'm baaaaaack!! Happy NaNoWriMo! If you follow me on here you may have seen my latest message to followers about taking part in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) 2020 - basically the aim is to write 50,000 words in November and I after much deliberation I decided that Trace would be my focus for this year's project. It's bugged me for so long that I stopped writing it, and I've wanted to complete it for so long but just lacked motivation and inspiration. Anyway, here I am on 1st November with my first writing sprint - woop woop! I can't promise I'll be in a position to update every night, or even every few nights - some chapters will need more focus, detail and editing than others and will require a lot more work before they are ready to be posted. But I do promise to do my best to hit the 50k word-goal, which should mean a lot of Trace updates soon, and hopefully before the end of the year!

So, wish me luck, follow me on social media if you like (details in my Wattpad bio) and feel free to comment, vote, send words of encouragement or anything else you see fit! Bye for now xx

**On a side note, in a strange twist of fate (ha!) the scene at the beginning of this chapter with Jess and Harry listening to MITAM took place on 1st November 2015, and I am writing and posting this update on 1st November 2020! I love quirky coincidences!!