(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 28 - One Step Closer)

There is a stunned silence, for about three seconds. My heart is pounding so hard it hurts, and I'm actually scared to look up because I can't bear to see the disgust on her face.

"What - so Jeff pressured you into it?" she says in disbelief, and for a moment I am thrown - that wasn't what I meant at all.

"God, no! I wanted it," I admit. "Everyone was buzzing, Jeff offered it to me, and at the time it just seemed like the solution to all my problems. I knew from experience it would perk me up and I just wanted an escape from everything. An escape from being me, just for a couple of hours. I didn't have to think twice - I just took it."

Please understand. Please don't judge me. Please don't hate me.

"Oh my God," she says, her voice trembling. "Oh my God."

"I'm sorry."

It's a pathetic apology, but I am sorry. I regret it more than anything in my whole life.

She stares at me, disappointment radiating from every pore. I didn't think I could possibly feel any worse but it turns out I was wrong.

"Please don't look at me like that," I beg. 

"I just... I don't...," she stammers, stumbling over her words. She shakes her head, as though trying to make sense of this latest revelation. "I'm just shocked," she concludes. "I don't know what I was expecting you to say, but it wasn't that. I mean, I'm not stupid. I know the kind of circles you socialise in, and who your friends are. I'm not completely naïve. It doesn't exactly come as a shock to me that you've taken drugs. I suppose I just assumed it wasn't a regular thing."

Woah, hold on - what?! I'm not a habitual user, even recreationally. I mean, I've tried it. More than once. But I quickly realised it was a bad idea and in the showbiz world it only leads one way: down.

"It isn't!" I protest. "It's rare! I've tried stuff a couple of times, mostly when I was a bit younger on our first couple of tours, and on odd occasions over the last couple of years. But it's never really appealed to me, even though a lot of my friends do it. It's never really been my thing."

I think fast, trying to remember dates. 

"It had been over a year since I last took anything," I explain. "I swear to you. I was literally on the verge of cracking that night, over everything that was going on in my life. I just wanted something to take the edge off, and I know that doesn't excuse it but that was the reason I did it. It was the worst decision I've ever made."

"I wouldn't have thought Speed was your thing," she says, almost to herself. "I'm no drugs connoisseur, but I would have thought Coke was more your scene."

Oh, so suddenly she's an expert?

"None of it is 'my scene'," I snap defensively, quoting the last two words in the air with my fingers. "I told you - it's a not a regular thing for me."

And then as quickly as the anger rose, it fades again.

"But you're sort of right," I sigh. "When I've dabbled in the past I've taken Coke more than Speed. But I need to tell you the rest; I need to get this out, and explain the full story. Please."

After a moment's hesitation she begrudgingly consents, and I start talking again before she can change her mind.

"I felt the effects pretty quick - I'd snorted it to get the high quicker. I didn't feel tired anymore, I just wanted to party. We stayed in the bar for about half an hour, and then decided to go on somewhere else. We walked outside and I saw Sara. She was with another girl from their group, and she smiled when she saw me. I went over to say goodbye to her and she was being all giggly and flirty."

Relax, Harry. Nadine's not here, she's gone. She left a while ago.... You're wired! 

I feel guilty that the memory of Sara's face turns my stomach, but I can't help it. She represents everything that went wrong in my life, and every bad decision I made that night.

"I gave her a hug," I continue, less confidently, "and she sort of pressed herself up against me, and..."  

Oh God, this is going to hurt Jess when I tell her how I reacted to Sara. I don't know if I can do it. But I have to do it.

"And what?" she asks, with trepidation. 

"And... it kind of turned me on, the way she felt against me," I say in a whisper. "She gave me a kiss on the cheek, and I kissed her cheek, and then she gave me a flirty smile and then left."

I feel physically sick.

"So you did fancy her," she says softly, standing up from the bed and staring down at me in utter misery, and I look up to see tears running down her cheeks. "You did want someone else. I knew it. I knew I wasn't enough for you!"

"No, Jess, please, you have to hear the rest," I beg, getting to my feet.

"I don't want to hear the rest!" she squeals. "I don't want to listen to how you had the hots for some size zero bitch and fucked her in your hotel room because I wasn't pretty enough to keep you satisfied!"

Her low opinion of herself, and of me, causes a sharp stab of pain in my chest. I'm not explaining this properly, and I'm afraid of damaging her further if I continue to crash through the story like a bull in a china shop. I have hurt her so much already, and knowing the worst is still to come, and anticipating the hurt it will undoubtedly cause her brings another surge of regret, rising in my throat like bile.

"No, it wasn't like that," I argue, and my voice cracks with emotion. "Please let me explain. It's not what you think, I swear to you, Jess. I swear on my life."

"Just go, Harry," she cries, with her back to me.

"No." 

I haven't come this far to be kicked out before I have finished. I won't let her push me away again until she knows everything. 

A small sob escapes, and I sniff quickly in an attempt to disguise it but she turns around in shock and stares openly at my face. 

"It wasn't as straightforward as that," I plead, looking into her eyes. "Please just let me tell you everything. This has been a secret for long enough. You need to know the truth."

She hesitates for a moment, and then sits back down on the bed. I don't waste any time in carrying on.

"I went with Jeff to the next bar and he had some more shots, and all of us were buzzing. I felt on top of the world. None of the stuff I had been worrying about seemed important anymore. It was like I didn't have a care in the world. But at the back of my mind I knew I needed to call it a night because I didn't want to be too trashed in the morning, so I told them I was going to bed, and Dale took me back."

I need to get some sleep. I need to get back to my hotel. 'm gonna head off.

"I could hardly walk. I don't know if it was the alcohol or the Speed. I was wrecked. I managed to get into my hotel room and Dale made me drink a pint of water, slowly. He knew what I'd taken and he didn't want to leave me alone, but I knew I needed to go to bed. I was trying to convince him to go when my phone rang. I thought it would be you, but it wasn't, it was Sara. I thought it was odd that she was ringing me, so I answered the call. 

Hey, where are you? Can I see you? I was hoping we could talk before you go back. 

"She asked where I was; I said I'd gone back to my room, and she asked if she could see me. I tried to put her off because I didn't feel comfortable at the thought of her coming up to my hotel room. I mean, we're not particularly close - it just felt weird. I told her I needed to get to bed, but she said it was important, and she was worried about Nadine."

I was such an idiot. Embarrassingly naive. I will never make a mistake like this ever again.

"So I gave in and told her Dale would meet her downstairs and bring her up," I admit, feeling sick at my own stupidity. "He was only gone a few minutes; I made a cup of tea while I waited, and poured one for her too. I was still off my face, and I needed to sober up - and come down. When she arrived, she gave me a hug again, and...," I falter again. "And I had that same reaction to her."

As soon as the words have left my mouth Jess's face crumples in misery.

"Please, let me finish," I start to say, and then stop when she covers her face with her hands and sobs again. "Oh Jess - I'm not saying this to hurt you, you have to believe me," I say sadly. "I've got to tell you what really happened."

"Just carry on," she chokes, without removing her hands from her face. "The sooner you get this off your chest the sooner you can leave me the fuck alone."

Ouch. Just when I was beginning to wonder whether her extreme reaction could mean she might not be over me.... I push this thought away before she kicks me out, determined to get to the end of this before she loses what little patience and energy she has left.  

"I offered her the cup of tea I'd made for her but she said no," I continue. "We went and sat down on the little armchairs in my suite, and she started telling me she'd had an argument with Nadine because Nadine thought she had been flirting with me."

I wish I'd had a pound for every time I wondered if I encouraged either of them in some way.

"She said she was worried about Nadine because she'd had a lot to deal with lately, with her friend being admitted to an eating disorder clinic. And apparently she'd been talking about me a lot, saying I was the one that got away and she should never have let me go."

She's been saying you were the one that got away. She seems really upset; she's in a bad way. I think she was pinning her hopes on tonight. She wants you back.  

"I wasn't really saying much. Sara kept giving me these looks, like really intense looks, and she kept crossing and uncrossing her legs a lot. She said she understood why Nadine was so cut up over me, because I was a very attractive person. She was flirting with me, and I remember sort of flirting back."

I can understand how she feels. You're one hell of a catch. 

Says the Victoria's Secret model.

Maybe it was that comment that encouraged her. Maybe I brought this on myself. Did I say it in a suggestive way? To me it was just an impulsive compliment to a pretty girl, nothing more. To her it was probably a come-on. I don't remember clearly enough to be sure.

"A lot of this stuff is hazy, and I can only remember bits of it," I admit, apologetically, and I close my eyes for a moment, hoping for clarity. "I remember yawning, and she asked me if she was boring me. I said she wasn't, and then she said she was feeling tired and needed a buzz."

You want a line? I have some here from earlier that Jason gave me.  

"She offered me the same stuff Jeff's friend had given me, but I said no, I'd already had some. I was starting to feel a bit weird, and I just wanted to go to bed, but I didn't know how to kick her out without being rude. She asked if I minded if she had some, so I said I didn't, and she got up to go to the bathroom. She brushed past me really close, and touched my cheek with her hand, and I knew she was kind of coming on to me, and... and my body was reacting to it. I told her it was late and I had to catch a flight back to Brussels the next day, so she said she'd be really quick and then she'd leave. I waited while she snorted a line in the bathroom, and then when she came out she said she'd let me get to bed."

I've taken up enough of your time tonight. I'll let you get some sleep.

"The way she was looking at me - it was obvious what she wanted. She came really close to me again and gave me a hug, and she started stroking my back."

I swallow a lump in my throat and turn my gaze to Jess who is watching me sadly, her face contorted with grief. "It was turning me on, Jess - she was pushing her body against me, and then she kissed my neck, and..." 

She lets out another sob and covers her mouth with her hand.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper, hanging my head in shame.

"No, go on," she says, boldy, despite the tears streaming down her cheeks. "She kissed your neck and then what? You fucked her?"

Her bluntness shocks me and I blink hard.

"Don't go all shy on me now Harry!" she shouts desperately. "You wanted to tell me the full story, so come on! Out with it!"

"She kissed me on the lips and I kissed her back," I reply quickly, my lip trembling and tears brimming in my eyes.

"And then?" 

She's trying to break me. She doesn't realise I am already broken.

"And then we had sex," I blurt.

I give in to my emotion and cover my eyes with my hands as my chest heaves. I knew this would be hard, but I didn't realise it would be like this. I am literally ripping her feelings to shreds.

"Great," she says sarcastically, her voice shaking with emotion. "Well, you've done what you came here to do. So get the fucķ out of my life and do not contact me again."

"Wh - what?" I stammer, lifting my face to stare at her in horror.

"Oh don't tell me this has come as a surprise to you?" She laughs derisively, although it is obvious that neither of us finds this in any way funny. "What did you expect me to do, throw my arms around you and take you back? You still cheated. You still boned Redrum. Nothing's changed, except you snorted a couple of lines of white powder into the bargain."

Her scorn is intended to hurt. 

It hurts.

"No, I'm not asking you to take me back," I say truthfully, wiping my eyes. "But there's still more to it, Jess. Please don't kick me out until I've told you everything."

"I already know the rest!" she screams desperately. "You can't excuse the fact you cheated!"

"But you need to know why!" I shout back, with equal desperation. "You're judging me on half the story! At least let me get to the end before you kick me out of your life for good!"

She sinks down on the bed again in defeat, twisting her body away from me as though trying to protect herself from me. I have to get to the end of this, no matter how much the truth hurts. I have lied to her for long enough.

"I didn't really feel anything - no emotion, I mean," I begin again. "It was like it was happening to someone else. It was over pretty quick. I must have fallen asleep straight afterwards, because I woke up the next morning and saw her lying there, and for a second I didn't remember. I just thought it was you, and then..."

I feel bile rising in my throat, just like it did at the time, when I realised what had happened. What I had done. What I had ruined.

"Then I saw her dark hair, and I just..."

I'm stumbling over my words, trying to be coherent, trying to give her the explanation she deserves. I take a deep breath.

"I couldn't believe it, Jess. I couldn't believe what I'd done. I remember sitting up and looking at her and in that moment I knew it was over between us. I knew I'd ruined everything for good. I knew in my heart I was everything you were afraid of; a liar, a cheat and a player. I hated myself. I felt so sick, and it wasn't from the alcohol or the drugs. It was because of what I had done. I got out of bed and I only just made it to the bathroom before I chucked my guts up. There wasn't much there - I hadn't eaten anything since lunchtime the previous day. I was sick because I knew I'd lost you. I knew I didn't deserve you."

She has completely lost control now. She is almost hysterical from her sorrow, her breath coming in ragged gasps, her fists clawing at the bed involuntarily, grabbing handfuls of the duvet before tugging desperately at her own hair while her body shakes.

I can't sit here any longer letting her hurt like this. I move from the chair to the bed and sit carefully next to her while she lets out her anguish, tears coursing down my cheeks as I watch her pain. 

"Please look at me," I say gently, sniffing as discreetly as I can.

"I can't."

"You can. Please."

"Don't, Harry," she begs. "Don't play with my emotions like this. It's not fair."

I would never play with her emotions. I couldn't intentionally treat them carelessly. I love her.

I wait until my tears are under control again before continuing.

"I had a shower, and by the time I was finished she was awake. She was trying to be affectionate with me, but I had to set her straight."

Come back to bed?  

I fight another wave of nausea, here in the present. I have spent so long blocking these memories out, choosing instead to occupy my mind with other things, that I suddenly realise I have never properly dealt with what happened to me. I have never talked about it out loud, in detail, to anyone. Perhaps I should have, but it is too late now.

"I apologised for what had happened, and told her I had a girlfriend, and that I shouldn't have done it. She knew about you, because Nadine had told her, and she said Nadine was going to kill her when she found out about this, because the whole reason they'd come to that bar last night was so that Nadine could try and get me back. She said Nadine was ruthless, and would stop at nothing."

Nadine's going to kill me. She only went to the same bar as you last night to try and tempt you back. She's determined, ruthless. She'll stop at nothing. She's going to fucking kill me.  
How was I so blind? How did I not see it coming?

"I should have figured it out then," I say bitterly, "but I was hung over and sick at what I'd done, and I wasn't really paying attention. She said she was sorry that I regretted it, and that she didn't, and that she would have liked to see me again, under different circumstances. I said I didn't think that was a good idea, and apologised again for the whole thing, and then she left. I couldn't face staying in the hotel room a minute longer. So I got my stuff together and Dale came and picked me up."

"Wait a second - what do you mean?" Jess asks, her voice stronger again. I'm momentarily confused.

"What?" 

"What you just said then - something about you should have figured it out then?" she frowns. "Figured what out?" 

My heart starts to pound. We're finally here, at the last twist in this part of story. Once the truth is out our future is entirely in her hands, and the way she is acting towards me doesn't fill me with confidence.

"Harry?" she presses, staring at me seriously with those beautiful, wide eyes. "What should you have figured out?"

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I'm struggling for an opening line for chapter 71 of HMR (I have 0 words written) so I decided to come over to Harry's POV instead. So here you go - another chapter! Thank you for reading, lovely people. And thank you so much for 170+ votes on the last chapter! Keep them coming, they mean the world to me xxx