(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 19 - The Stories That I Can't Explain)

I struggle to keep my hands from shaking as I jab clumsily at my phone screen, trying to call Louis. Lou pays for our lunch and steers me out of the restaurant and back towards my car, and the world seems hazy and surreal as I attempt to get my emotions under control.

Why is Jess tweeting a picture of Louis? Are they in contact? Is something going on between them, more than just the kiss that was supposedly a one off?

I shouldn't care; I don't want to care. We're not together anymore, it's none of my business what she does.

Except it is my business when it involves publicity regarding me or One Direction, particularly when it could be perceived negatively. It is my business when she had a crush on my bandmate the whole time we were together, kissed him only last week and is now tweeting pictures of him for the whole world to see.

"Harry, you need to calm down," Lou is saying from next to me.

"I am calm," I reply through gritted teeth. "I need to talk to Louis, that's all."

He finally answers as we are driving along Sunset Boulevard. He sounds surprised, happy and nervous to hear from me.

"We need to talk," I tell him.

"OK," he agrees.

"Where are you?"

"I'm looking at properties in Calabasas," he replies. "For Briana and the baby. Thinking ahead, you know."

The wind is taken out of my sails at this statement. "Oh," I mutter.

"D'you want me to come over when I'm finished? I'll only be another half an hour here."

"Yeah, if that's OK," I mumble.

"No problem. I'll see you in a bit."

I sigh as Lou pats my legs supportively, the anger I felt only moments earlier now replaced with humility and guilt. Louis is going through a tough time, trying to do his best for his unborn baby while coming to terms with how his life will change in a matter of a few short months. In my tense, emotional state I had completely forgotten the weight on his shoulders. I've been so wrapped up in my own heartbreak I've been neglecting my friends.

"Do you want me there when you speak to Louis?" Lou offers, but I decline, drop her off at her hotel and shoot home. Louis arrives about ten minutes later, and fidgets nervously as I lead him through to the kitchen and offer him a drink.

"I could murder a brew," he admits, and we make idle small talk while I boil the kettle to make the tea.

"Sorry, it's Tetley, I haven't got any Yorkshire," I apologise awkwardly as I set his cup in front of him.

"Nah, don't worry about it," he dismisses, and watches me as I take a seat opposite him across the breakfast bar.

"Sooo... you wanted to talk?" he begins tentatively.

I lick my lips and press them together as I stare down at my mug, trying to work out how to ask what I want to know without sounding like a complete psycho.

"What's going on between you and Jess?" I ask.

"Nothing," he answers immediately. I look up and he is regarding me earnestly, his blue eyes wide. "I swear to you, mate. I wouldn't fucķ you over like that."

"Why is she tweeting pictures of you then?" I fire at him, feeling anxiety starting to rise in me already.

"One picture," he defends, holding up the index finger on his right hand to emphasise his point. "One. And I don't know. I haven't spoken to her yet-"

"Yet?" I echo, and he lets his head fall to one side in mild exasperation.

"Yes, yet. I'm not going to ignore her. When she left Brussels I told her to keep in touch. I felt bad for her after the way you treated her. And she's a nice girl. Just because you cut her out of your life doesn't mean I have to."

"Why though?" I ask, a little more heatedly than perhaps I should. "Why do you want her in your life so badly if there's nothing going on?"

"Because - and don't take this the wrong way, alright? - but because it's not up to you who I'm allowed to speak to or be friends with. I'm not flaunting it in your face; well, not intentionally. And in my opinion the two of you need your heads banging together. I mean, what is this shit you keep spouting about being better off apart? You're fuckıng miserable, anyone can see that. You're carrying this big secret around with you, the secret that destroyed your relationship with this great girl that you're madly in love with, and it's eating away at you. You shouldn't shoulder the blame yourself because it wasn't entirely your fault, but you're shouldering it anyway, and dealing with the consequences completely on your own. It isn't healthy."

I'm silent for a moment while I absorb everything he has just said.

"Why did you lie to me when I asked you about the kiss?" I challenge.

He sighs and picks at a spot of dried milk stuck to the worktop. "I promised her I wouldn't tell you about it. I was trying to cover for her. I knew how insecure you were over her fancying me and I thought the pair of you had more chance of working things out if that stupid kiss hadn't happened. I didn't think she'd admit to it! She's too damn honest for her own good."

"Who kissed who?" I demand, and my heart misses a few beats while I wait for his answer.

"She kissed me," he replies. "Sorry. I don't know if that's what you want to hear or not, but it's the truth."

"Tell me what happened."

He lets out a long breath. "I dunno, mate, I'd had a few drinks, it was over in less than a second. I honestly didn't see it coming. She'd been crying, we'd talked about you, and me, and Briana, and all that shit. I think I told her she was pretty or something; I was trying to make her feel better, and I said she'd easily find someone else and she just fucking kissed me."

"Kissed you like how?" My voice is trembling now, and my hands are shaking.

"What, you want a fucķing demonstration?" he smirks, and I snap.

"Don't fuckinģ laugh at me! It's not a joke!" I rage.

"Alright, chill," he says sarcastically, pulling a face. "The sort of kiss you give Lux, or your mum on the cheek. A peck. Nothing more."

I feel sick. The image of them kissing is much more real now he has described it, and instead of making me feel better it is making me feel worse. Hearing him talk about it like it is nothing is infuriating me.

"And what? You kissed her back?" I hurl.

"No, I already told you. I pulled away and told her she was out of line. Then she begged me not to tell you. She was crying again, and I said I wouldn't. So I didn't. Until now, obviously."

"How do I know this is the truth?" I demand. "You've lied before. Why should I believe you now?"

He shrugs. "You don't know. It's up to you what you believe. But what have I got to gain by lying?"

"Not getting punched in the face."

The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

Fuck.

I didn't mean that.

He smirks. "OK."

"You think I won't?" I yell, standing up.

"I fucking know you won't. Sit down."

I hate him for being right. I hate him for being smug. I hate him for being Jess's not-so-secret crush.

I sit back down on the stool again, seething.

"Mate, she loves you, alright?" he says. "Not me."

"But you would, though, wouldn't you? If she wasn't my ex-girlfriend?"

We're into dangerous territory now, and the question hangs between us, weighing heavily on the tension in the room. I know he'd sleep with her. I know he would.

A faint smirk passes over his lips, and then he sighs again and places both hands flat on the worktop in front of him. "Alright, cards on the table. If we're going to be really honest, then yes, I would. I think she's hot. She's by far the hottest bird you've ever pulled in your entire life. And she just fits in with all of us, y'know? Because she's normal. I like her, a lot. And I flirt with her because I can't help it - I do fancy her and she fancies me a bit too. But if you're going place more importance on that tiny little detail than you are on the fact that she is IN LOVE WITH YOU, you're a țwat."

I am staring at him, my stomach churning over his admission. I don't know what to say. I had honestly expected him to deny it.

"Don't go reading too much into this," he says, rolling his eyes at my no doubt wide-eyed, horrified expression. "I'd bang her and she'd bang me, if circumstances were different. We both admitted as much. But so what? You'd bang Jenner again given half the chance."

My heart almost comes to a complete stop.

"What?" I bark. "What do you mean, you both admitted as much?"

"Oh, have some fuckiņg chill," he says exasperatedly. "That night at Libertine, after she kissed me, as we were walking back in the club she just gave me this look, and I called her out on it -"

"What look?" I demand, feeling my heart rate increasing again.

"Just a flirty look!" he says, wearily. "Nothing life-changing. Anyway, I teased her and said I knew she would, y'know - trying to make her flustered, but she just fucking gave it right back and said she knew I would, too. So I said yes. And that was it. Conversation over. We haven't mentioned it since and I doubt we ever will again."

I stare at him, trying to read his face, and he stares calmly back.

"Take it in context," he says, pointedly. "It's a mutual appreciation of hotness, nothing more."

Although I am insanely jealous of the idea that Louis and Jess have discussed these thoughts, somehow the way Louis is talking about it so openly and casually is now calming me in a way I never could have predicted. His account of their conversation is so real to me, I can suddenly see it for what it is - a cheeky comment and an even cheekier response. Isn't that one of the things I love about Jess: that when Louis tries to throw her off guard she gives it back harder?

"You told me that night she was fair game," I remind him, "when you were trying to get me to come down to Libertine. You implied you would make a play for her if I didn't stop you."

Louis looks away. "Ah. Yes. About that..."

My heart begins thudding sickeningly again.

"Don't have a hernia, but... it was actually Karen who engineered all of that."

This was the last thing I was expecting.

"What?!" I squeak. (Honestly, 'squeak' is the only way to describe the noise that has just come out of my mouth.)

"Karen was flipping her lid over the articles of you and Sara. She's been really worried about you. She knows how important Jess is to you so I when I told her I'd asked Jess to come to Libertine, to keep her in the loop, she told me to get you there any way I could in the hope that you would sort things out. And restore your image in the process," he adds, with a nod of acknowledgement to the unspoken fact that Karen always has an ulterior motive.

I stare at him with my mouth hanging open.

"I can't believe I didn't know any of this," I breathe.

He shrugs. "Everyone's been worried about you, mate. And Karen went ape over the picture Jess tweeted earlier. I wouldn't be surprised if she calls her."

"What?!" I snap. "I don't want Karen calling Jess."

"I don't think you have a choice," he replies. "Karen does what she wants. She's ruthless, we all know that. If she wants to call her, she'll call her."

I rub my face with my hands as I process all of this new information.

"I'm sorry," Louis says after a minute, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I look up at him, and his expression is one of guilt and regret.

"I'm sorry for being a dıck around Jess. I didn't mean to make you feel insecure over it. It's banter, nothing more. You know what I'm like, I go too far sometimes."

"Thanks," I acknowledge. "It's fine."

"I'm not going to change who I am," he explains. "I'm always going to say inappropriate stuff. I let my mouth run away with me. And I'm still going to keep in touch with Jess. But I promise you, there is absolutely nothing going on between us, and there never will be. You need to sort things out with her."

"It's too late for that," I sigh. "Too much water under the bridge."

"That's bollocks," he retorts. "Text her. Ring her. Message her on Facebook -"

"She deleted me," I respond, flatly.

"Oh."

There is an uncomfortable silence.

"OK, so just send her a text - casual, like."

"Saying what?" I moan.

"Fuck's sake, Harry, I don't know," he huffs. "Whatever you want. You've got to do something, though. You have to tell her what really went down in New York. She's angry with you but she doesn't know the full story."

I shake my head, unable to rehash this again. My head hurts from thinking of nothing else.

"Give it some thought," he says, draining the last of his brew and standing up. "I've got to go. Karen also informed me today that People Magazine have got wind of Briana's pregnancy and they're running the story as soon as they've got the legalities nailed."

"What?!" I gape.

"You heard," he says glumly. "She can't stop it because it's come from a source, most likely one of Briana's friends."

"What are you going to do?" I ask, stupidly, staring at him with my mouth open like the village idiot.

"Nothing," he replies. "I'm not issuing a statement, or any of that shit. Briana needs a stress-free life. It'll be bad enough once the baby is born. The least I can do is try and keep things low key until then."

I feel even more guilty that I have dragged him here to interrogate him over his banter with Jess when he has this latest bombshell to deal with.

"I'm sorry," I apologise, feeling abashed. "I'm sorry I've given you a hard time over all this. I've been a shit friend to you lately."

"Nah, don't worry about it," he says, giving me a bro handshake and fist bump. "You've had enough of your own stress going on. Can we put this to rest now, though?"

"Yes," I answer fervently. "We can. I get it now. I'm sorry I thought the worst of you."

"I probably would've thought the worst of me, too," he admits, his lips twisting into a smirk. "Let's just call it quits and move on, yeah?"

I nod in agreement, and he pauses at the front door.

"Call Jess," he says. "It'll be the biggest mistake of your life if you let her go."

"I'll think about it," I mutter, but already my heart is aching for her again, especially after talking about her with Louis. It felt for a few short minutes like she was still part of my life. I miss her so much.

I sit down at the breakfast bar after he has gone, pull out my phone, open up Twitter and tap onto Jess's profile. I stare forlornly at her tweet that has now been retweeted thousands of times. No wonder Karen is going mental over it. I have to hand it to Jess - she really doesn't give a toss about following protocol. The memory of her standing up to Karen and tipping water on her skirt comes into my mind, and I smile fondly at the recollection.

Fucķ this - I'm going to text her. I can't stand this any longer. I'm going crazy without her. I'm not getting over her like I was supposed to, and everyone keeps telling me to talk to her, so here goes. No doubt she's moved on, but even if we can just be friends it's better than not having her in my life.

I'm doing it.

Hey, how are you? Hope you're good.x

Send.

---***---

Sorry this isn't a HMR update, but I'm trying so hard to get Harry's POV more up to date because it's now a year behind present day and HMR is eight months behind!

On another note, remember the Fanfiction Awards that I was nominated for about six months ago? Well, the same people are now running the Fiction Awards with a Fanfiction category, and a Best Series category. If you would like to nominate the No Control Series, head over to the Nominations book on their profile thefictionawards and follow the instructions.

Thanks, as always, for reading :) xxx