(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 12 - You Suddenly Want Me)

I can tell by the intensity of her kiss that she wants me. Her hands are scrunching my shirt at my hips, pulling my body closer to hers, and I gladly oblige. I press my erection against her again, silently willing her to touch me.

When she doesn't, I let my hand fall to the hemline of her dress where I curl my fingers around the back of her thigh and pull her leg up so it rests against my waist. I pull back from her, just for a moment, searching her face for confirmation that this is OK, that I'm not crossing a line. The look on her face is one of pure hunger and lust; it's a green light.

I kiss her again, harder and rougher, and I feel her fumbling with the button on my jeans, attempting to open them. She manages to pop the button and then pulls on the zip and peels them down my thighs. I'm throbbing at the thought of her touch, and then I feel her curl her fingers around me through my underwear. I voice my approval.

"Fuck."

I lift up her dress, aware this isn't very classy, and not my usual style, but I can't let myself show any emotion towards this. I can't let her inside my head.

She pulls my boxers down a few inches, freeing me, and then begins to stroke her hand up and down. I let out a harsh breath as pleasure courses through me, and I push my fingers between her legs, gasping at how wet she is for me. She whimpers softly and it spurs me on; I slip my finger inside her and press my thumb against her, drawing another moan from her lips. Her legs shake and her hand begins to move faster, up and down.

I lean forward and kiss her again, adding a second finger and she cries out softly, her legs trembling slightly. She gasps again, and suddenly I'm confused. Her hand has slowed a bit - has she come? I thought I would have felt it from inside her, but now I'm not so sure. I don't want to carry on if it will make her uncomfortable.

I break the kiss and pull back to look at her. Maybe I can tell from her face.

She opens her eyes and looks at me.

"Did you... have you just...," I begin, but she just stares me. "Did you come?" I ask, stupidly, and to my horror she gives a derisive laugh.

"No! For fucķ's sake, Harry. You're good, but you're not that good."

I feel uncomfortably hot all over, as embarrassment prickles through me.

Why the fucķ did I ask that? This here, right now, has to be one of the most humiliating moments of my life.

"Oh- sorry... sorry..," I stammer. "I just.. I thought you had..."

Stop. Talking. Now.

I swallow, my face burning, but she stares down at floor.

"No," she mumbles.

I need to recover this.

Kiss her.

I'll kiss her.

OK, here goes.

I lean forward again and press my mouth to hers, a little more softly this time.

Big mistake.

The tenderness sends a stab of longing to the pit of my stomach, and I find myself fighting a wave of emotion. She's kissing me back, and I move my hips forward, the tip of my erection now pressing against her, where she is warm and wet.

I stop, remembering the comment she made in Karen's office about not knowing who else I was sleeping with. Will she want to use protection? She won't still be taking the contraceptive pill, so we definitely should, to be safe.

"Do I need a condom?" I murmur.

"No," she whispers. "I'm still... I'm on the pill."

WHAT.

I pull back and stare at her.

"Why?" I ask, loudly, and she flinches.

"Why what?"

"Why are you still on the pill?" I demand.

Oh my God, is she sleeping with someone else? Gary? Adam? WHO?

"I couldn't just stop taking it, mid-pack," she's saying, but I'm not really paying attention. I can't get the thought of her with someone else out of my head. I want to rip my hair out again.

"What?" she asks, after a moment, and I realise I am staring at her, breathing heavily, probably looking a little deranged.

"Are you... are you sleeping with someone else?" I bluster.

"What- No!" she snaps, and she places her hand on my chest and pushes me roughly away. I step back and to my dismay she pulls her dress down.

"Wait - I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked that," I backtrack quickly, but her face has hardened. "Please..," I whisper.

I step forward again and attempt to kiss her, but she turns her face away, and I feel her slipping through my fingers once again.

"Please, Jess," I beg, but she ignores me, and instead bends down and pulls her knickers up, a faint flush tinging her cheeks.

She's embarrassed in front of me.

How has it come to this?

She steps away from me and I pull my jeans up, feeling hurt and humiliated. She's standing with her back to me, but when she turns around her face is twisted in a snarl, and I feel my stomach flutter with nerves.

"It's none of your business," she hisses. "But just for the record, I'm not sleeping with anyone else. I'm not that fickle, and I don't sleep around! I'm not you," she spits at me, and the hatred in her eyes causes me to step back from her, my heart pounding, my chest tightening with misery.

"I know," I say thickly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insult you. It just shocked me that you were still taking the pill. I... I don't know how that stuff works."

I genuinely don't. That's girl stuff. How am I supposed to know what the rules are?

"Well think, in future, before you speak," she hurls at me.

"I will," I say, humbly. "I'm sorry. I really am."

I start towards her, reaching my arms out to her to try to pull her to me, but she sidesteps me, and I stare at her miserably.

"No, Harry. That's not happening."

"Wh - why?" I plead.

She doesn't understand. I need her. She's the only one who can take this pain away.

"This was a stupid mistake," she says bluntly. "I should never have come here. This was wrong. All of it is wrong. You're not in love with me."

I stare at her. What's love got to do with anything?

"I can't do this, knowing you're not in love with me," she says, with finality.

Wait a second - I know she's never had a one night stand (apart from me), but did she wait until she was in love with every boyfriend she's had, before she had sex with them?

I sit on the edge of the bed, trying to process this.

"You're telling me you've never had sex with someone you're not in love with?" I repeat, confused.

She hesitates, staring at me. She starts to say something and then stops. It reminds me of when we first starting going out, and she would stop herself from blurting out something One Direction related.

Those were the days.

My phone begins ringing, and I stand up and walk over to the table by the door, still wobbly on my feet from the shots. It's Karen. Oh God. This can only mean trouble.

"Hello?" I mutter.

"Are you with Jess?" she asks, without even saying hello.

"Yeah," I reply.

"Where?"

"Just at the hotel."

I hunch my back, away from Jess, not wanting her to hear this. I don't want her to storm off.

"And the paparazzi? Did they see you?" Karen persists.

"Yeah," I sigh. "A couple, outside."

"And they got pictures?"

"Yeah."

I mean, I think they did. Fucķ, this isn't good. Jess won't like this one bit.

"Good," Karen breathes. "This is good, Harry. This is all we needed to cast a shadow of doubt over the New York rumours. What's happening with you and Jess now?"

A bit fat nothing, if she gets wind of any of this. It was only a couple of paps, wasn't it? And their cameras were focussed on me, from what I can remember. Not Jess.

"Nothing," I reply, shortly.

"You're being cagey," Karen declares, and the suspicion in her tone is evident.

"I can't talk right now," I mutter.

If I don't get off the phone quickly Jess is going to leave, and I really don't want that. I still have to tell her everything. This is such a mess.

"OK. Try and get pictured again, if you can," Karen instructs. "Let me know where and when, and I'll tip the paps off."

Has she not listened to anything I've ever said about any of this?

"No don't tip the paps off," I argue, trying to get my words out clearly but quietly. My tongue feels too big for my mouth.

"It will seal the deal. Dispel the rumours," she urges.

"No! Let me deal with this in my own way," I snap.

I don't care what people say about me. I just want to spend this last bit of time with her before she undoubtedly walks out of my life again.

"Harry-"

"Bye," I say abruptly, and hang up.

I walk back over to the bed and set my phone down on the bedside table.

"Sorry," I apologise, avoiding Jess's gaze. "Sit down. Let's talk."

I sit down on the bed and wait for her to join me, but she doesn't move; instead she watches me, pulling at her fingers, like she does when she's nervous. I can't tell whether that's a good thing or a bad thing right now.

"Jess?" I say softly. "Come on. There's stuff I need to explain."

She looks hard at me.

"You're drunk," she declares.

Oh.

"Yeah, well... so are you," I counter.

She doesn't deny this, but watches me for a moment.

"Please," I say, gently, extending my hand to her. "I'm not trying to manipulate you. I may be a lot of things, but right now I'm trying to be honest."

I'm the most nervous I've ever been in my whole life right now. I don't know how she will react when she hears the truth. My chest is shaking from the thud of my heart.

"There's stuff I need to tell you," I continue. "I feel I owe you the full story, after the way I treated you. And it won't excuse what I did, but it might make you understand-"

"Make me understand?" she repeats, and I can almost see her hackles rising. That was clearly the wrong thing to say. "Make me understand?!" she screeches again. "What don't I understand? You flew half way around the world for a one night stand with some... some..." (she searches for the right word) "hobby horse! That's pretty fųckıng clear to me!"

Her chest is heaving now, in fury.

"No - I didn't mean it like that..," I say, desperately. "Jess, I was upset. There's stuff you don't know about, stuff I only found out recently-"

She cuts me off again sharply.

"I know! I know. Louis is having a baby. Well - Briana is. He told me."

I feel like I've been punched.

"You know about that?" I gasp, in disbelief. "How?"

"Louis told me," she supplies. "Apparently he trusts me. Unlike some."

Fury is rising in me.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I demand, furiously.

"It means, you didn't see fit to fill me in on that piece of information, but Louis didn't have a problem telling me - " she fires back.

"He was forbidden from telling you!" I shout, standing up. "When? When did he tell you?"

I'm pulling at my hair again, like some sort of maniac. How long has she known? Has she been talking to Louis behind my back?

"Tonight!" she shouts back. "He told me tonight."

"Why?!" I rage. What could he possibly gain by spilling the beans about this to her? Does he want her to feel sorry for him? Why would he defy Karen like this?

I feel stupid that part of this big secret has already been revealed. I feel like everyone else is in on something, apart from me.

"I don't know - because he thought I deserved to know?" Jess yells. "Who cares why he told me? The fact is, I know. And it doesn't change anything. So what if he's going to be a dad? Why would that make you jump into bed with someone else?! Why would it mess you up so much?!"

Ah. So he hasn't told her the rest. He hasn't told her we're taking a break.

"Because... of what it means for the band," I tell her, and I hear a crack in my voice.

"What do you mean?"

My anger ebbs away, as quickly as it came. I sit down on the bed and hide my face behind my hands.

"Harry?" she asks gently, and I feel a burn behind my eyes again. I refuse to cry in front of her. I may not have much dignity left, but what little I do have I want to keep.

"After this tour... after the release of the next album... we're..."

Here we go. I'm actually going to do this. I'm going to tell her everything, from the beginning.

"What?" she asks, taking a step closer to me, but still two steps away.

"We're taking a break," I whisper. "An extended hiatus. From... from One Direction."

Her expression is one of shock and disbelief. I can tell this is news to her. I return her gaze, wishing she would come closer so she can hold me.

"Why?" she asks finally.

"Louis... he can't be a dad and tour the world," I explain. "He needs time to bond with the baby. His priorities will change. They've already changed. He's on call twenty-four seven for Briana now, and that will only get more intense the further along she gets, and more so once the baby is born."

"But... what if it's not his baby?" she asks, and I can tell by the way she says this so confidently that she has already had this conversation with Louis.

I shrug.

"Then if everyone wants to come back, we'll come back sooner rather than later. But..." I take a deep breath. "But what if they don't want to? What if this all just fizzles out after we go our separate ways? What if this is the end now?"

The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them, and she is at my side immediately, her arms around me.

It's like a warm blanket around my shoulders. I feel my muscles relaxing and I sink into her embrace. Everything seems slightly numbed, all of a sudden. My worries don't seem so bad, just for a moment. I press my face into her neck, breathing in her scent, craving the intimacy.

"Oh Harry," she sighs. "I'm so sorry. I hadn't heard."

"No one knows yet," I mumble. "It won't be announced publicly for a while."

She says nothing, but her hand rubs my back gently through my shirt. I close my eyes and slide my arms around her waist, squeezing her.

"I'm scared, Jess," I admit, in a small voice.

I'm scared of what happened to me, of what the future holds, of life without her.

She doesn't respond to my words, but somehow she doesn't need to. Just her being here is enough to console me. I can feel the wispy ends of her hair brushing my hand, and I reach up and fiddle with them gently. Her hands continue to stroke my back, but I know I can't stay here forever. Reluctantly I sit up and she lets go of me.

"Sorry," I apologise.

"It's fine. Are you OK?"

No.

"Yeah. I will be," I sigh. "I've been working on some solo stuff. I've laid down some vocals already - just trialling a few things, you know."

I can feel your heart inside of mine, and I've been going out of my mind.

"I don't know if anything will come of it yet," I add, pushing the melody of If I Could Fly out of my head. "Some of it may be used on the fifth album."

"You won't fade into the background, Harry," she reassures me. "You're talented. You have an amazing voice. And you have a huge fan base. Everyone will want to hear your solo stuff, and interview you, and work with you. Your face alone makes headlines. No one will forget about you."

"They might," I whisper, looking down at my feet.

You might.

"They won't," she insists, and her soft hand touches my cheek, turning my face towards her.

My stomach flutters at the contact, and my heart misses several beats when our eyes meet.

"You're amazing," she says softly.

My heart begins to thud. I swear her eyes just flicked to my lips briefly.

"You're gorgeous," she continues, breathlessly, "and funny, and sweet..."

My heart is pounding. I can feel myself leaning towards her; I can't stop myself.

"...and clever..," she adds, her voice trembling.

I'm so close to her I can feel her breath on my cheek. I can see the tiny flecks of colour in her irises. I can feel the warmth radiating from her body.

"...and..." She hesitates, biting her lip.

"And what?" My hands are shaking.

"And sexy," she finishes, her voice barely above a whisper.

Oh my God. I've never been so nervous in my whole life.

I lean forward another couple of inches and gently press my lips to hers. I reach up and brush her hair behind her ear with trembling fingers, and then stroke my fingertips down her cheek.

I open my eyes to look at her and move my head back slightly to focus. We stare at each other silently, motionlessly.

There is so much I need to say to her. I don't know where to begin.

"Jess," I start to say, but she closes her eyes and gives a single shake of her head, and I know to keep quiet if I want this to continue.

I shouldn't be letting myself get carried away again like this, but I'm so exhausted from the struggle to stay away from her. I want to give in, just this one time.

I lean forward again, going for another kiss, and she doesn't fight me. I touch her bottom lip with my tongue and she opens her mouth, sliding hers against mine, her fingers brushing my hair back from my face. I slide my arms around her; she feels so soft and comforting against my chest. I don't know how I have coped this long without her. She strokes the back of my neck, sending a tingle down my spine, and somehow we end up lying down on the bed, me on top of her, kissing with increasing urgency.

"Harry," she protests. "Harry... this... we shouldn't be doing this..."

But even as she's saying this she is kissing me, her hands slipping down to my chest. She gives me a gentle push as if she wants me to climb off her, but her lips press to mine again hurriedly, as if afraid I really will move away.

"I'm tired of doing the right thing, Jess," I sigh, brushing my lips to hers again gently.

"Harry..." she murmurs, almost pleadingly. "Harry... stop..."

Stop.

This brings me up short.

What if she actually means it?

"Say it like you mean it, and I promise I will," I assure her, looking deep into her eyes, and as I lean down to kiss her again she doesn't stop me.

"Harry... this isn't fair..," she begs, turning her head and exposing her neck as I trail soft kisses along her jawline. "Harry... you know what you do to me... the effect you have on me..."

I kiss her neck and the dip of her collarbone and she whimpers softly, pulling me closer. My already rock-hard dıck twitches in my pants.

I do know the effect I have on her, and I hate myself for using her weakness against her in this way, but there is a sort of unspoken understanding flowing between us right now, that she needs me just as much as I need her.