(No Control - 72. Last First Kiss, third part)

I pull a face at the burn inside my nostrils. I'm not an avid user of any type of drug, really, so I'm not used to it. I wait for a moment until the discomfort subsides, and then snort the dregs before rubbing my nose with my fingers and stepping out of the cubicle to wash my hands.

"You good?" Jason asks.

"Yeah, fine," I reply.

We stumble out of the toilet together and head back over to our table.

"H!" Jeff booms. "Where ya been, man? I got you some..." He lowers his voice to a harsh whisper. "I got you some stuff."

"I'm sorted," I reply, feeling a grin spread across my face. "I'm sorted."

I can feel the effects starting to kick in. I have this feeling of euphoria, like I can do anything; be anything. I feel like I can conquer the world.

I sit down next to Jeff and we begin this intense conversation about the future. He says he has big plans for me, once I am out of my contract with Modest next year. He knows we won't be touring the next album, and seems to take this as the band splitting up. His dad wants to manage me, he says. He wants me on their books with CAA, their management company.

There's so much to talk about, and so little time. The others are keen to move to the next bar, so we stand up and head outside. I catch sight of Sara standing just to the left of the door, and I beam at her.

"Hey!" I exclaim. "What are you doing here? Fuck, wait - where's Nadine? Is she here? I don't want to make a scene."

She giggles. "Relax, Harry. Nadine's not here, she's gone. She left a while ago."

"OK, that's good, because you know I don't have anything against her, I just don't want another argument, I can't face another argument after the last one. It was harsh."

"You're wired," she remarks, gazing up at me through her eyelashes and giving me a sultry look, like the ones I've attempted in the past and failed.

"Yeah," I admit sheepishly.

"H, come on!" Jeff shouts, and I turn to see them waiting for me.

"I'd better go," I tell Sara. "It was good seeing you. You look great."

"Thanks," she smiles. "You too."

She steps towards me and I put my arms around her to give her a hug. I can feel her breasts soft against my chest and I feel a tingle somewhere I shouldn't. She kisses my cheek and my dick twitches again at the feel of her lips against my skin. I return the gesture, more out of obligation than anything else, and as she pulls away her hair is soft and slippy against my hand and she looks up at me with these massive doe eyes.

"Take care, Harry," she says softly.

"Yeah, and you," I mutter. I turn around and scurry back to the others.

"Fuck, man, she's fucking hot," someone says, but I'm not paying attention. I'm starting to feel weird.

I haven't taken Speed in a long time; over a year. Maybe two. I don't remember how it feels.

We arrive at the next bar and while Jeff downs a couple of shots with the others I stick to water. I'm buzzing but it's hazy; blurry. I feel euphoric but it's muted, like it's suppressed with a blanket or something. I feel like I have cotton wool in my ears; in my mouth.

I blink and realise I have been participating in a conversation for the last five minutes about football. I don't remember the conversation, but my mouth is running away with me, talking of its own accord. Does it usually do this? I'm not sure.

Is this normal? Something isn't right. Why the fuck am I here? I don't feel right. I feel weird.

"H, you OK?" Jeff is asking.

"Yeah, I need to get some sleep," I mumble. "I need to get back to my hotel."

"You seem a bit out of it," he remarks, and I nod.

I feel a bit out of it, but I seem to be the only one, apart from Jason who is staring into space with a vacant expression. He looks how I feel.

"'m gonna head off," I slur.

All of a sudden I am outside the bar and Dale is helping me to my car. Thank fuck there are no paps around because I'm off my face. I only had one small line, how can I be feeling like this? Probably because I'm not used to it. Fucking hell, I'm a dick. All I wanted was to forget everything for one night. I can't even remember what I was supposed to forget.

This thought makes me laugh out loud.

"What's so funny?" Dale asks.

"I can't remember what I wanted to forget!" I giggle, and then start laughing hysterically, my head lolling back like my neck is made of rubber.

Wouldn't it be funny to have a rubber neck?

I laugh harder, and catch Dale's eye in the rearview mirror as the car moves off. My laughter dies on my lips as I take note of his stern expression and I force a sombre look onto my face and stare out of the window all the way back to the hotel.

I stagger up to my room and Dale fetches me a glass of water.

"You need to drink this, slowly," he says. "I know you've taken something. Do you know what it was?"

"Just Speed," I say thickly.

It's ironic really. I've taken Speed and now I'm feeling slow.

I start to laugh again and my phone rings. For a fleeting moment I think it might be Jess but instead it's Sara's name on the screen. Odd.

"Hey, where are you?" she asks when I answer.

"Um, back in my room," I reply, trying to sound normal.

"Can I see you?" she asks.

"What, now?"

I just want to sleep.

"Yeah, I was hoping we could talk before you go back?"

"Um, I should really get to bed. Can I call you tomorrow?"

"I won't be around tomorrow, I have a lunch meeting and then I'm flying out of JFK in the late afternoon," she says. "I could come to your hotel? It won't take long."

I don't feel comfortable at the thought of her in my hotel room, but I'm not sure why?

"I really need to get to bed," I repeat.

"I'm worried about Nadine," she says softly, and I sigh and close my eyes. I really don't need this. I was supposed to be forgetting this, among other things. I'm supposed to be forgetting about the things she said about me and the person she thinks I have become.

"Fine," I mutter. "Fine. Come to the hotel. Dale will come down and get you."

Dale is reluctant to leave me, but I insist and make two cups of tea while he is gone. I need to sober up, and get this shit out of my system. I'm obviously not having a great reaction to it, and I just want it to be over now. It was a stupid thing to do.

Sara enters the room again with Dale, and then he gives me a nod and steps back outside again. I greet Sara with a hug, and I can't help the feeling of desire that fires through my body as soon as her skin touches mine. She smells fresh, sort of citrus-y. It's delicate and enticing. I rub my face with my hand and step away from her, inviting her to sit in one of the armchairs.

"I've made you tea, but I don't know how you like it," I offer, apologetically.

"Thanks, but I don't really drink tea," she smiles. "You Brits love it don't you?"

"There's nothing like a good brew," I admit, and there's a moment of silence.

Sara crosses her legs. I stare at them.

"I had a horrible argument with Nadine tonight," she begins, and I feel my expression darken at the mention of Nadine's name. "She was angry with me because she thought I was trying to make a play for you."

"What?!" I interrupt. "That's ridiculous."

"She's had a lot to cope with," Sara says, dismissively. "You know what she's been going through, right?" (I nod, but she spends five minutes explaining everything I already know.) "She talked about you a lot recently," she continues. "She's been saying you were the one that got away. She seems really upset; she's in a bad way. I think she was pinning her hopes on tonight. She wants you back."

I watch her legs as she shifts position, and I can feel a dull ache in my groin. Fucking hell.

"I can understand how she feels," Sara says, looking at me coyly. "You're one hell of a catch."

"Says the Victoria's Secret model," I retort, with a smirk. I'm no better than anyone else, am I?

She looks into my eyes with a burning stare and licks her lips. I stifle a yawn behind my hand as discreetly as I can, but she clocks me.

"I'm boring you?" she asks.

"No, no," I say quickly. "I'm just tired. I don't know what else I can say about Nadine. Did she tell you about our conversation earlier?"

"Bits," she shrugs.

"I don't want to betray her confidence," I sigh. "But I think she needs her friends at the moment. She wants me, but I'm not the right person to be there for her. I can't give her what she wants or needs."

I'm impressed I've been able to articulate this sentence without stumbling over my words. I feel like shit.

I suppress another yawn, and she catches me again.

"You want a line?" she offers. "I have some here from earlier that Jason gave me."

"Nah, I'm good thanks. Jason from our group?" I clarify.

"Yeah, he got chatting with all of us earlier in the evening, and then offered me some as I was on my way to the bathroom just before we left. I guessed he was OK as he was with you. You mind if I...?" she lets the question hang, and I gesture to the ensuite. "Thanks," she smiles, and stands up. She slips past me and touches my cheek with her fingers as her body slides past mine. I feel a tingle in my dick.

I know what she wants. There's a reason I shouldn't go there.

"It's late, I have to be on a plane tomorrow," I call to her as she disappears into the bathroom.

"I'll be really quick," she calls back.

When she reappears she's smiling broadly at me, and she approaches me like she's on a fucking catwalk. Her eyes are on mine and she steps up to me and slips her arms around me. She pulls me tight against her and I don't stop her, even though I feel like I should, and I return the embrace.

Her hands stroke my back and her lips are really close to my ear. I'm hard.

She turns her head and softly kisses my neck and my dick twitches in response. My heart rate is rising as I pull away slightly and look down at her, staring deep into her eyes. She says nothing but stares back, and then leans towards me so her lips touch mine softly.

She pulls away and looks at me again, as if waiting to see what I will do. I hesitate, and then lean towards her so our lips touch again, for longer this time and with increased pressure. We break apart and look at each other, and then her arms are sliding around my neck as my mouth presses against hers impatiently, my tongue pushing into her mouth and her body crushing against mine.

I can't control this burning lust inside me. I want her, and I want her now.

My hands run through her hair as I walk backwards - is she pushing me or am I pulling her? - and we fall on the bed. Her hands unbutton my shirt as I slip her top over her head and reach up to squeeze her breasts. Her nipples are like hard beads and she gives a soft moan as I pinch them gently. She pulls my jeans open and I kick them off, along with my boxers, as she slides her shorts down and straddles me on the bed wearing only the tiniest white lace thong. I reach up to her breasts again, covering them with my hands as she grinds against my erection. She leans down to me and kisses me, and I fumble down the side of the bed for my holdall. There must be a condom in here, somewhere. Her lips break away from mine and kiss my neck as my fingers find a single foil packet, and I rip it open behind her back, eager to get on with it. I'm so fucking turned on I feel like I'm going to explode.

She sits up and I roll the condom on, and slide my finger inside her thong between her legs. She moans as I stroke her gently, and then guides my erection inside her, but it's like I can barely feel it. I hold onto her waist as she starts to move up and down, her hair falling forward around her face. She leans down to kiss me and I flip her over so I am on top of her, and thrust hard into her to try and get better friction. She's moving in rhythm underneath me, her nails scratching at my back, her legs over mine. I pick up the pace and she moans my name. I feel strangely removed from the situation, but in this position it's getting me close. I barely last two minutes but neither does she - she comes first, throwing her head back and crying out, and half a minute later I follow. It doesn't last long and it feels partially numbed, like it's happening to someone else.

When it's over I pull out and lay on my front on the bed. I don't remember anything else.