(No Control - 57. You and I)

"From the minute we met I felt like I was just in the right place at the right time with you," she begins, her voice trembling slightly. It's so cute. "Like if it hadn't been me at that party it would have been somebody else that ended up in your bed that night."

Woah, hold on, what?

I open my mouth to protest, to tell her that I wasn't looking for someone to hook up with that night, but she holds her hand up before I can speak.

"Let me get this out Harry, before I bottle it," she says, almost pleading, and I snap my mouth quickly shut before she changes her mind.

"You don't understand what it's like to have had this crush on you for so long, to have read stuff about you in magazines, seen you in concert, had your picture on my laptop screen," she says, almost sadly. "And then all of a sudden you're part of my life like this normal person. I felt like I'd known you for years, yet we'd only just met and you knew nothing about me. I tried not to have this perception of you, but it's hard to forget everything you've read - good and bad."

I am a normal person! I know what she means, and it's good she's telling me all this, but I wish people would just realise I am a normal person, just like everyone else.

"I couldn't believe someone as gorgeous and incredible as you would be interested in me," she says, her cheeks reddening. "You date stick-thin models and famous singers. I'm just Jess. I'm no one special. I don't even have a thigh gap."

What the hell is a thigh gap?

"I've had this inferiority complex the whole way through and that's why I'm always so quick to jump to the wrong conclusions about you. It's because deep down I think it's only a matter of time before you get bored of me, so every time the media says you've found someone else it comes as no surprise. I can't help it. It's just the way I think."

I can't believe she's so insecure. Hasn't she seen herself in the mirror? She's beautiful. She's radiant. She's funny. She's intelligent. How on earth would I ever be bored of her?

I'm leaning forward with my chin on my palm, completely transfixed by her, and this conversation. I probably look like a loser but I don't care. I'm fascinated by her.

"I'm sorry I didn't believe you about Taylor Swift," she's saying. "I'm sorry I left LA without giving you a proper chance to explain everything. That wasn't fair."

No it wasn't. But slowly, this is starting to fall into place.

"I was just so shocked when that pap blurted it out, and I felt so stupid," she confesses. "I felt like you'd been playing me all along, and I should have seen it coming. I was so hurt, I had to get away so you wouldn't see."

I feel sick at the thought of her thinking these things about me.

"I didn't mean what I said about it just being a bit of fun, and I didn't use you to meet the rest of One Direction. It's been way more than that for me and it terrifies me how quickly I got in so deep."

I feel a flush of relief at these words. They were among the ones that hurt the most when she threw them in my face. And my heart is beginning to pound at the thought of her being 'in so deep.' What does she mean by that?

"I'm sorry I asked you to stop calling me the other week," she's now saying. "I thought I'd be better off without you in my life but I was wrong. I'm not, and I'm sorry that I ever thought I would be. I shouldn't have given you shit over that Joy Muggli girl."

No, you shouldn't. But I get it now.

"I still can't believe you publicly denied it, twice. I understand how much of a big deal it was for you to do that, and I'm so sorry I threw it back in your face and ended things."

It was a big deal for me to do that. And it makes my fingertips tingle to know that she truly understands the significance of it.

"I'm also sorry for the way I acted today when I saw you with your sister. I swear I didn't know it was her, Harry," she pleads, her eyes wide and desperately searching mine. "Callie saw you first and said you were with a girl and I just panicked."

Ah, yes. Callie.

My cheeks burn at the memory of my conversation with her earlier, and her accusation that I'm in love with Jess.

"I couldn't bear to see you with someone else and my instinct was to show you I'd moved on as well, even though I hadn't. I shouldn't have kissed Gary like that."

No, you shouldn't. But I'll forgive you, you beautiful girl, because I took you for granted and hurt you without realising. We are both to blame in this, for not communicating properly.

"I hurt him as well as you," she says sadly. "I know I have massively, massively fucked this up and to be honest I can't believe you're even here right now. But please believe me when I say I am so glad you are. Even though I know I don't deserve you."

She can't believe I'm here? Where else in the world would I ever want to be?

I open my mouth to reassure her that it's ok, but before I can speak, she starts again.

"And as I'm being completely honest, I need to tell you -"

Oh my God, is she going to say she's in love with me?

My stomach lurches.

" - you massively pissed me off when you told me to stop winding Louis up on Twitter."

Oh.

Maybe not, then.

"I was a Directioner long before I met you, and I'm not going to stop being a fan. I would have tweeted Louis and Zayn whether I knew you or not, and I don't appreciate being told how to behave. But you need to understand I didn't do it to cause trouble. I did it because I thought Zayn was out of order and Louis needed defending. And several million fans agreed with me."

I blush as I remember that row. I need to confess all about that.

"And... and I'm not saying you were, but if you were jealous that I tweeted Louis you have absolutely no need to be."

I love how she's pretending like she doesn't know I was insanely jealous of Louis. I love how she's trying to save my ego.

"You haven't left my thoughts since the minute I walked into the departure lounge at LAX. In fact, no - you haven't left my thoughts since you dropped me home after we first spent the night together, and not because you're Harry Styles from One Direction."

My heart is pounding again.

"But because you are just Harry. Harry whose wink makes my knees go weak, Harry whose kisses make my heart pound and Harry whose face makes me forget my own name. And if you don't want to be with me after hearing all that then I understand, but at least now you know the truth."

It's all I ever want to be, to her. Just Harry.

I'm so fucking happy right now.

I look at her shyly, not sure what to say, and she smiles back.

"Wow," I say eventually. "That's a lot to take in. Is that everything?"

"Um, I think so," she says uncertainly.

Really? So the L-word wasn't coming? I feel something that vaguely resembles disappointment, deep in the pit of my stomach, but I'm not sure why.

"You sure?" I press. "There's nothing else you want to get off your chest?"

"Um, well I guess you should know that Gary asked me out today."

OK, what the actual fuck?

"It was before I kissed him. But I turned him down," she says quickly.

I resist the urge to crack my knuckles menacingly. It's not like I'm ever going to do anything. I'm not the violent type.

"I'm not saying this to try and make you jealous," she explains, looking worried. "I just don't want to keep secrets from you."

Well, there are some secrets I don't want to know. Like the fact that some dude who hangs around her at work, who she has history with, wants to be her boyfriend.

Wait - who am I kidding? Of course I want to know. But that wasn't what I wanted her to say.

Did I want her to say she loves me? Fuck, I don't know. This getting too complicated. I just need to be with her. We can figure the rest out later.

"OK," I nod. "Thank you for being honest. So that's everything?"

"Yes," she says, frowning at me.

"OK," I concede. "So I guess I need to set the record straight about a couple of things, too."

Where do I begin?

"OK, I'm listening," she says timidly.

At the start, I suppose. I need to let my guard down, fully. I just hope she doesn't run a mile when I show her my heart.

"First of all, Jess, I didn't set out that night we met to find a girl to sleep with," I say, firmly.

She needs to understand I'm not that guy.

"I intended on going to that party and saying hi to Nick and then going home because I was knackered. But I stayed because of you. There was something about you that drew me in."

I close my eyes for a second and take myself back to that night, when I first saw her from across the room, making her way through the crowd towards the kitchen with her friend. I recall the jolt in my stomach when our eyes met. I knew right then there was something curious about her. She stood out from the crowd.

"But if we hadn't met I would have just gone home alone," I continue, opening my eyes to look at her. "And I'm guessing my life would be very different right now."

"A lot less complicated?" Jess suggests, and I smile.

"A lot less interesting," I explain. "What you said about how you had a crush on me before we met... you're right, I don't know how that feels, but it sounds pretty confusing. I don't make a point of just dating 'stick-thin models and famous singers'. It just so happens that I have dated those types of people because they happen to move in the same circles as me. It's not intentional. And believe me when I say you are far more special than any of them could ever be. You are beautiful, funny, down-to-earth and you've got me wrapped around your little finger."

Should I tell her about what happened between me and Nadine? Is this the right time? I don't want to make this conversation about my ex-girlfriend, because right now this is about me and Jess. I've got my own issues going on beneath the surface, if even they can't be seen.

I'll bring it up later, if the conversation moves that way.

"And I don't even know what a thigh gap is," I admit. "But you have no need to feel insecure. I guess it finally explains why you're always so quick to think the worst of me. But I have never ever been unfaithful in a relationship and I don't intend to start now."

I would never cheat on anyone. It just isn't in me.

"I don't blame you for being upset when you found out about Taylor Swift," I assure her, and she gives me a half smile. "I don't want to rake all that up again but for what it's worth I am sorry I didn't tell you. If I'd known it would come out like that I would have told you a lot sooner. I wish I hadn't hurt you, I feel so bad about that. But I finally understand your reaction to Taylor, and that story about that weird girl the other day, Joy whats-her-face. And to be honest, you kind of made me see I'd been a bit of an arse just expecting your trust without having earnt it. I took you for granted, Jess, and it was only when you flew off the handle about it and reminded me I had never publicly stuck up for you, like you have for me and the others, that I realised it properly."

"What do you mean, stuck up for you publicly?" she asks, creasing her brow at me.

"You supported the No Control Project even though we weren't together anymore," I explain, feeling anxious that I am getting to the bit where I have to confess my jealousy of Louis. "You defended Louis when Zayn and Naughty Boy were trying to humiliate him. That may not have been for me, but you were willing to show the world how much you love One Direction, despite the shit you've been given just for being linked to me."

Oh God. Here goes. Deep breath.

"And yeah, you were right. I was jealous that you tweeted Louis. I was jealous from the moment I saw your reaction when he called me in the car the morning after I stayed at your flat, and when you thought he was coming to the beach that day in LA. I was jealous when I saw you hug him in the pool at my house and realised he really was your 'second favourite'. And I was jealous when you were saying how much you liked the songs he wrote with Liam, and didn't seem as bothered about the ones that I wrote. And I saw you checking him out when you were standing behind him when we facetimed your friend Sarah."

She's staring at me with her mouth open. I feel like a tosser.

"I know it's stupid but you just seemed to hit it off with him when you met him," I tell her, and my voice sounds small and ashamed. "And when he flirted with you and sassed you you just gave it back. You seemed so excited to be around him and you've never really seemed like that with me. You always play it so cool with me. I just never really know where I stand with you."

I look down at my hands, feeling very vulnerable that I've just let out all these insecurities.

"Oh my God - are you serious? I... I can't believe you would think that!" she says in shock.

"I'm sorry I had a go at you over those tweets," I apologise.

I want her to understand where this came from.

"I wasn't lying when I said you could have done a lot of damage - you really could. And I was genuinely really pissed off that you couldn't see it from my side. But I was also furious that you'd leapt to Louis' defence, and that he'd been so excited about it. And that he'd been messaging you privately."

"Yeah - about you," Jess interrupts. "That's all we talk about. You can read the messages if you want."

OK, I'm not that much of a control freak.

"Harry - I fangirl over Louis, and I get seriously excited when any opportunity comes up to have any sort of contact with him," she says earnestly. "That's just my inner Directioner. But that is absolutely nothing compared to how I feel about you. And Louis knows that. He seemed to want us to sort things out. And be honest - if I had acted all fangirly over you would you have stuck around? Or even looked twice at me?"

Wasn't this what attracted me to her in the first place? The way she gave as good as she got, and didn't fawn all over me?

"No, probably not," I confess. "I'm a dick for thinking all that stuff."

I really am such a dick. Saying all this out loud just reaffirms that.

"No you're not," she says softly, and my heart gives a little leap at the affection in her voice. "You only felt how I feel all the time about every female who comes within fifty feet of you."

OK, that makes me feel a bit better.

"And believe me when I say I was seriously fangirling over you when we first met," she continues. "And sometimes I still do. I just keep it locked away inside. But... but I trust you, Harry. I didn't; not until about an hour and a half ago when you turned up here. But I think I've just had an epiphany."

Fucking hallelujah.

"Well it's about time," I tease her, with a smile.

"I know," she sighs. "I've been a massive idiot. Not to mention a whiny brat. I'm so sorry."

"I suppose I'll forgive you. I don't really have much choice when you're looking at me like that and wearing my hoodie."

She looks amazing in my hoodie. Like I can't even explain how amazing.

"It still smells of you," she mumbles.

What?!

"Haven't you washed it?" I ask, in mild disgust.

She's had it for weeks, hasn't she?!

"It was comforting," she says, looking a bit defensive. "My heart was fucking breaking, Harry. I missed you so much, and this was the only thing that made me feel any better."

It's so weird, hearing her confess these feelings for me. Weird, but amazing.

"And there was me thinking you weren't that bothered about me," I tell her, and she frowns and shakes her head in confusion.

"How can you say that? How could you even think that?"

OK, time to lay this one on the line too.

"You played it cool from the word go," I say, trying to sound casual. "I was always the one who messaged you, it was never the other way round. You never went all - what was that word you just used? - fangirly over me. Well, apart from the odd 'Harry Styles' moment, as you call them. But even they were rare."

I hesitate. She's watching me intently, so I plough on.

"You seemed more worried than me about being pictured out together in public. You let me do all the running and you seemed more than capable of walking away if you needed to. And you were always so quick to correct anyone who might think you were my girlfriend. I just assumed that you didn't want to be; that you weren't that into me."

I mumble this last part and look away as I feel the heat rising in my cheeks again. I'm not comfortable admitting this sort of stuff, but I know I have to be honest with her if there's a chance this could ever work.

"I told you - I just couldn't believe you would even look twice at me," she reminds me. "I didn't think I would ever be enough for you. Every time you showed any interest I was convinced it would be the last time, and I didn't want to be the desperate fan texting you, unable to take the hint. I didn't realise I was playing it cool until Louis said - "

Woah, what?

"What did Louis say?" I interrupt quickly, and her eyes flick to mine suddenly, like child caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

"Nothing," she says, hastily. "We just got chatting at the Ed Sheeran gig and he mentioned that I acted really cool around you and it sort of made me realise I had been pushing you away."

So I have Louis to thank for her honesty later that evening? Well, this puts a different spin on things.

"Is that why you finally opened up that night?" I ask.

"Sort of," she says uncomfortably. "I didn't want you thinking I didn't care, because that couldn't be further from the truth."

But is she in love with me?

"And you almost broke me, Harry, when you said on the phone you weren't worth the hassle. Of course you are. I had just let everything get to me and the only way out I could see was the path that took me away from you. And I realise now I made things ten times worse for myself because you are the one person I need in my life. Even if you do come with your own personal set of photographers that pop up at the worst possible moments."

What is she saying? That she's OK with this now? That it's no longer a problem? That she wants us to be together again?

"So everything you said about not being strong enough to deal with the media...?" I need to be sure she's not going to run from me when the going gets tough. Liam doesn't have to deal with this sort of shit with Sophia, it's so fucking unfair.

"I'll just have to learn to ignore it," she says firmly, and then she looks suddenly afraid. "Well - that is, if I'll still need to...," she stammers. "I mean, I don't know what we are... if we're..."

Haha, she just got ahead of herself there, didn't she? This is funny.

"If you're asking if you can be my girlfriend again, the answer is yes," I smirk.

"Woah woah woah, hold on," she says, holding her hands up in front of her. "I don't ask to be anyone's girlfriend."

As if she won't just let me have the upper hand and keep it for more than three seconds.

"Can you not just let me call the shots, just for once?" I tease.

"You always call the shots!" she protests.

Is she fucking kidding?

"I think we both know I have never called the shots," I correct her, darkly. "Not since you threw your drink down my shirt at that party. You practically had me sitting up and begging that night. And from that moment it's never been any different."

I suddenly picture Louis' face in my pool when Jess had kicked our arses with the hosepipe.

"'Whipped,' as Louis would say," I grin.

We look at each other stupidly, and neither of us says anything. I know she's waiting for me to clarify our relationship status, but after that intense heart-to-heart I feel the need to take the piss.

"Soooo...," she prompts.

"Soooo...," I mimic, and press my lips together to try and hide my smirk.

She rolls her eyes.

"So, what are we?" she asks.

I pretend to misunderstand, and look furtively around the room, and even peer between my legs under the sofa.

"We're sitting in your conservatory," I say finally, sitting back up and flipping my hair out of my eyes, and she pulls a pained face.

"Harryyyyyyyyy," she whines, and I grin stupidly before forcing my face into an exaggeratedly serious expression.

"Yes?"

"Don't do this - you know what I'm trying to say," she pleads.

I purse my lips into a frown and crease my brow at her.

"You've lost me, sorry," I say seriously, but I can feel the corners of my mouth twitching.

"Harryyyyy!" she scolds again, and she actually stands up to stamp her foot. I laugh in delight.

I am going to make her beg for this, just because I can, and because it will do her good.

"You already know what the answer is, you only have to ask the right question," I say with a grin.

"I'm not asking," she says defiantly, folding her arms and looking me in the eye.

"Oh," I say, with exaggerated discomfort. "Wow. Well, this is awkward."

"I am going to kill you," she says, setting her mouth in a hard line.

"Sorry, only my girlfriend is allowed to get away with making threats like that," I say regretfully. "And I currently don't have one, because someone - " I look at Jess pointedly - " someone is too pigheaded to ask."

She looks up at the ceiling, her arms still folded, and taps one foot impatiently. "I can't believe you're making me do this," she says, flatly, and I stand up and take a step forward so I am right in front of her.

She looks up at me and I see her breath catch slightly in her throat. I love that I have this effect on her.

"I'm waiting," I say after a moment when she doesn't say anything.

"Alright!" she snaps.

She closes her eyes and sucks in her breath, and then opens her eyes to look at me. She's stalling.

I glance pointedly at my watch, and then back at her face to see she is glaring at me with the same murderous look her brother pulls off so well.

"You're enjoying this far too much," she says huffily.

"Stop stalling," I call her out.

"Oh for God's sake!" she exclaims. "CanIbeyourgirlfriend?"

She's not getting away with that.

"Sorry, I didn't quite catch that?" I tease, cupping one hand behind my ear.

"Can. I. Be. Your. Girlfriend?" she repeats slowly, through gritted teeth.

"Say please," I grin. "Manners cost nothing."

This is fucking amazing.

She closes her eyes resignedly.

"Please," she says softly.

"Please what?"

I'm really pushing my luck now, but I just can't resist. It's just too much fun.

"Please can I be your girlfriend again?" she says in an even, level tone.

I decide to toy with her for just a little bit longer, because she's just so cute when she's being like this.

"I'll think about it," I say casually, and I am rewarded by her eyes widening in disbelief.

"Are you joking?!" she cries, and she actually thumps my chest with her fist and I laugh again.

"Now now, there's no need for violence," I chastise her.

"No, you're right," she says suddenly, and she takes a small step towards me, curling her fingers into my belt loops and pulling me forward so our hips are touching. Her hand then slips around the back of my neck and pulls my face towards hers, and the smile dies on my lips as my heart begins to pound at her close proximity to me. Her face is millimetres from mine when she suddenly pulls back a bit and bites slowly down on her bottom lip, looking deep into my eyes, teasing me.

"I know what you're doing," I say huskily.

"Good," she says cheerfully. "Then you should know by now that this is how I get my own way."

I slip my arm around her and pull her fully against me so her whole body is pressed up against mine. I would do anything for her right now if she asked me to. I would give up everything, I would give her the world.

"Yes," I whisper, in answer to her question.

"Yes to what?"

"Yes, you can be my girlfriend again," I clarify, and she grins, bites her lip again and looks away, suddenly shy.

"But can we promise each other something?" I murmur, and she looks back at me nervously. "Let's not fuck it up this time."

"Deal," she whispers, and I can't hold back anymore.

I bend down and kiss her lips, tasting the sweetness I have craved these last few weeks, and everything falls back into place.