(No Control - 48. One Way Or Another, second part)

I wait.

She hesitates.

"Thought not," I say abruptly, and I turn away and walk round the car and get into the driver's seat.

"Harry," she says softly as I shut the door, cutting her off. She gets in.

"It's fine, I get it," I snap. Just fucking leave me to my humiliation.

"I really don't think you do," she sighs.

Really? You won't kiss me in case someone sees. I've told you I'm fine with it. Clearly you're not. Why won't you let me get close to you?

Obviously I don't say this out loud.

"Harry," she says again, and I don't answer but I am listening. "I...I... I don't want us to fall out," she pleads.

The tone of her voice calms me, and I sigh.

"Neither do I," I admit.

She reaches over and takes my hand and I entwine my fingers with hers.

"Sorry," she says in a small voice, and it makes me sad. I shouldn't have given her a hard time.

"I wish you'd open up to me," I say, gently.

"What do you mean?" she asks, and I decide to jump in with both feet.

"It's like you're afraid to get close to me or something."

My heart is thudding as we are now approaching the subject of our feelings.

She stares silently out of the window. I decide I've come this far, I may as well continue.

"What's the worst that could happen?" I ask.

She doesn't answer me. She doesn't even look at me.

"Jess?" I say, as softly as I can. I don't want to push her away. I just want her to tell me what's going on in her head.

She doesn't. Instead she just stares out of the window, completely shut off.

I give a sigh, and remove my hand from hers. I don't know what else I can do. I can't force her to open up to me if she really doesn't want to. I guess she just wants to keep things casual.

That sucks.

Lou calls while we're still driving and says she'll meet us there at 8 with Jeff and Glenne, and I know I'm being short with her but I just can't muster up any enthusiasm.

"Who are Jeff and Glenne?" Jess asks, breaking the silence.

"Friends, coming tonight," I reply. I could go into details but I really can't be bothered. I just want some time to myself, to think.

We arrive home and I chuck my keys on the hall table and walk off, hoping she'll take the hint and leave me be for a minute. I know I'm being an arse but I just need some time to lick my wounds. I feel her grab my hand and I stop. She slowly pulls my arm so I am forced to turn back around to face her, but I can't bring myself to look at her. I feel like if I look into her eyes I will unravel and confess these stupid feelings I'm having, that I don't even understand myself. I can tell she isn't looking at me either, and instead she puts her arms around my waist and leans her head on my chest. I feel instantly calmer and let out a large breath, wrapping my arms around her and pressing my cheek against the top of her head. She doesn't pull away for ages, and when she does she stands on her tiptoes and presses her soft lips to mine.

"I should probably make a start on packing," she whispers, and I nod.

"OK."

I watch her turn away and walk to the bedroom, and I walk into the kitchen and stare out across the hillside for a few minutes, pinching my bottom lip between my finger and thumb. My phone beeps with a text from Lou.

You seemed off just then. Are you OK? x

I check Jess is out of earshot, and call Lou back.

"Hi darling!" she sings.

"Hi," I mumble.

"Oh dear - what's the matter?"

"Mmmhhh," I mutter.

"What?" she says, uncomprehendingly.

"Women," I moan.

"Oh no - what's happened?"

"She's just... I dunno. Still acting like she just wants something casual. I dunno, I can't figure her out."

"Have you talked to her?" Lou asks.

"No," I sigh.

"Well how do you expect to know what's in her head if you don't ask?" she says, with a hint of exasperation. "I told you the other night-"

"Told me what?"

"Don't you remember?" she sighs. "I told you she was falling for you, and you should tell her how you feel."

"I'm scared," I mutter. "I'm scared she'll run a mile."

"Harry," Lou says patiently, "the girl is crazy about you. Believe me, she isn't going to run a mile. You have to tell her what you want before it's too late. She's not Nadine."

"Yeah, I know. Liam said that too."

"I know," she says, and I can hear her smiling.

"Is everyone talking about me or something?" I mumble, and she just laughs, which I take to mean yes. "She won't let me in," I say in a rush. "She's always got her guard up around me, like she's afraid of being herself. I don't get it."

"You need to talk to her," Lou urges. "She's not doing this because she doesn't care. She's scared too. Don't ruin this, Harry. Just talk to her. Please."

"OK, OK," I sigh.

"Love you, babe," she says. "I'll see you later OK?"

"Love you too. Thanks Lou."

I sigh as I pull my phone away from my ear, and tap it against my chin thoughtfully. I have to talk to her. I understand that. I'm fucking terrified, but I've got to do it if I don't want to lose her, which I definitely don't.

I shove my phone in my pocket and head to the bedroom. There isn't a sound, and when I peep in the door she is lying on my side of the bed wearing my hoodie, her eyes closed and her breathing deep. I watch her for a moment, this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. She looks so fucking cute.

I crawl onto the bed next to her, curling up against her back and draping my arm around her.

"Harry," she mumbles, and I kiss her hair and breathe in the smell of her shampoo. It relaxes me. 

I'll just close my eyes for a moment...

Something is stroking my face. Stroking my hair off my face. Someone not something. I open my eyes. She's so beautiful.

"Hi," she whispers, lying in my arms facing me. "Fancy seeing you here."

"You fell asleep on my bed," I explain, groggily.

"Yeah, sorry," she says shyly. "I only lay down for a second. Your pillow's really comfy."

"You looked cute," I mutter, and she blushes, which in turn makes me smile.

"Sorry for... everything. Before," she whispers, looking away from me.

Fuck, I was a complete prick to her wasn't I.

"No, I'm sorry," I say humbly. "I was being really pushy, I don't know what came over me. I'm not normally like that."

I behaved like a petulant child who didn't get his own way. I'm ashamed.

"You weren't pushy," she says immediately. "It was my fault. I should have just kissed you when you asked."

That's just wrong. I would never force her to kiss me against her will.

"Not if you didn't want to," I reasoned.

"Of course I wanted to," she says, as if this is obvious. "I always want to. It's just not that simple."

Why isn't it? I told her it didn't bother me. What isn't simple about that?

"I just... find it a bit scary being thrust into the spotlight, with everyone wondering what's going on with us," she begins. "It's intrusive enough as it is, and we've only actually been pictured just hanging out together. I got photographed with my brother, and having lunch with Gary, and that got twisted by the media into me breaking your heart! If we're pictured kissing it'll just add more fuel to the fire."

I've been such a dick. Such a complete dick. I didn't even consider how this might affect her, in any way. I was so busy making it all about me.

"I forget you're not used to dealing with all this," I confess. "I just ignore it most of the time. Sorry for being a dick."

I'm so fucking sorry. I need to make it up to her, big time.

"You weren't a dick," she smiles.

"Can I kiss you?" I ask nervously. My feelings are all over the place.

"Since when do you ask permission?" she asks, wrinkling her nose.

"Since I don't know where I stand," I think. And fuck, it comes out of my mouth before I realise.

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

She's looking at me in disbelief.

"I don't play games," she says, and she sounds almost... offended? But then she leans towards me and kisses me, and I press her close to me, my hands on her back, my dick hardening at the feel of her lips against mine.

She kisses me, but it's not with the usual fervour. She seems distracted. It feels like she's just going through the motions. I kiss her harder, cranking it up a notch, trying to get her in the mood but she doesn't take the bait.

 I hope she's not pissed off with me. I pull away from her a fraction.

"Jess?"

She looks at me.

"Yeah?"

"You seem..." How do I phrase this? "Not really with it."

"Sorry," she says, and her face is turning a bit pink. "I wasn't, really. I was thinking about something."

My stupidity, perhaps?

I look at her questioningly.

"A conversation with Lou the other night," she says.

Oh God. This must be how Lou knows what's going on in her head.

"What about?" I ask, afraid of the answer.

"That's just it, I can't really remember," she admits, and I don't know why but I'm sort of relieved. "I'll ask her tonight. Speaking of which... we should think about getting ready."

"We don't have to leave for two hours!" I protest.

"Exactly. I know how long it takes you to pick out an outfit," she jokes, and I push her gently, making her laugh.

She disappears into the bathroom and I lie on the bed staring up at the ceiling, feeling glad the tension seems to have dissipated a bit. When she returns I shower quickly and then lie on my stomach on the bed in just my towel, watching her get ready.

"Why do you straighten your hair?" I ask, leaning my chin on my hands.

"It depends on my mood," she answers. "Sometimes I like it wavy, sometimes I like it straight." She looks over at me. "Which do you like?"

I know from my experience with women that there is no correct answer to questions like these.

"I prefer my hair curly," I tease, and she throws a makeup sponge at me.

"You know what I meant," she scolds.

"Yeah, and I know you won't believe me when I say you always look amazing," I tell her. "You'll just roll your eyes and tell me off for being corny."

She doesn't have an answer to this, and give me a sheepish smile in the mirror and I know I won that point.

"Your hair looks longer when it's straight," I observe.

"Obviously," she says, without looking at me.

Oh yeah. I'm an idiot.

"Will you help me into my dress?" she asks shyly, and I stand up and zip it up for her, brushing her hair forward over her shoulder so it doesn't get caught. I kiss the nape of her neck softly. I want to make some comment about looking forward to helping her out of this dress later on, but the words die in my throat as our eyes meet in the mirror again.

She starts putting makeup on and I continue to watch her as I pull on a shirt and a pair of jeans.

"You look incredible," I say huskily. My voice doesn't seem to be working properly.

"You talking to your reflection again?" she fires immediately, and the quick wit makes me laugh.

"I'm talking to you, you spanner," I fire back, and to my satisfaction her hand trembles and she smudges black stuff on her nose.

"You look hotter," she says, less confidently, and I suddenly feel cool and calm. I've got the upper hand again. I've not had it for a while.

"Nah, there's something missing," I joke, shaking my head, and I walk over to her and swing my arm around her shoulders. I look into her eyes in the mirror.

"That's better," I nod, and we smile stupidly at each other. We really are a pair of pathetic losers. Or maybe it's just me.

"Don't worry, no PDAs in the restaurant tonight," I add, wanting her to understand that I have taken on board what she said to me earlier, and she smiles gratefully at me.

We arrive at Cecconi's to find Jeff, Glenne and Lou already there. James Corden and his wife Julia arrive just after us, and Jess goes all squeaky and starstruck again as she shakes James's hand.

"Thanks for the warning!" she hisses in my ear as we sit down and I wink at her, just because I can, and just because I know I have the upper hand still.

Liam and Louis are last to arrive, and Louis sits down on the other side of Jess before I can do anything about it.

She whispers something in Louis' ear and he mutters something back, and they grin at each other. I ignore my jealousy and instead send grateful thoughts towards Louis in my head that he has hit it off with her so well and makes her feel at ease in this big group. I can tell she's nervous around James Corden, but he quickly starts cracking jokes at my expense and soon everyone is laughing at me.

"What the... everyone stop picking on me," I whine as Louis joins in too, and I jiggle my legs in a mock tantrum. I feel Jess's hand gently squeeze my thigh, so I slip my hand under the table and interlace my fingers with hers. She squeezes my fingers softly, sending butterflies into my stomach again.

She soon gets involved in a conversation with James, Louis and Liam, so I get quietly interrogated by Jeff and Glenne about how things are going with her. I give them a brief lowdown and try not to sound like a complete loser.

Of course, they see straight through me.

Everyone has managed to keep the Ed Sheeran gig a secret until now, and once our plates have been cleared I lean over to Jess to reveal all.

"Do you fancy going on somewhere after this?" I ask, resisting the urge to kiss her behind her ear.

"Yeah sure," she replies. "Did you have somewhere in mind?"

"Yeah, I've got tickets to a private gig not far from here," I say, as casually as I can.

"Sounds good," she nods, and I'm so excited I could burst. "Who's playing? Anyone I know?" she wonders.

Well, funny you should ask.

I can't hide my smirk as I look at her to watch her reaction.

"Yeah. Ed Sheeran."